January 2019 – The Jeff Kenna League

The highs and lows of Dulwich Red Sox

THE Dulwich Red Sox manager is not eligible for any Kenna prize money because he has failed to pay a single penny of subs since 2011, according to league authorities.

Moving to an unprecedented second place in the table this week, the DRS manager is enjoying his best ever season in the Kenna with strong contributions from Mo Salah (150 points), Raul Jiminez (111) and Richarlison (97), but it could all be for nothing.

‘We’re sending a strong message to managers they must pay their subs,’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘The Dulwich Red Sox manager has continually flouted requests to pay any monies whatsoever to the league and currently owes £100. He just turns up at auctions and talks b0ll0cks.’

The parsimonious DRS manager claims he has a longstanding appeal with the Kenna over a Daniel-Sturridge-first-to-score-sweepstake misunderstanding in August 2013.

Interviewed backstage at a badly-organised live music event, the DRS manager says he still refuses to cover his subs until the bet is honoured.

‘I get a sniff of league success and now I hear the Kenna isn’t going to pay out. At first it left me with a numb feeling and now I just have so much emotion rushing around inside me I’ll be up all night.’

A habitual absentee from transfer windows, the DRS manager faces a big decision this Friday if he wants to stay in with a chance of at least maintaining his league position.

Key player Aaron Ramsey is heading to Germany, Gary Cahill’s scored three points all season and Claudio Bravo is yet to appear. Nearly £30m is in the Dulwich Red Sox coffers.

Like the rest of the league, the DRS manager has until 9am on Friday to submit his released players to Kenna HQ before the window opens that night at 7pm in the Hoop & Grapes.

Krakow Cup – knock out stage fixtures

Last 16 – first leg: 12 February, second leg: 26 February

Quarter final – first leg: 5 March, second leg: 19 March

A. 1 v 3

B. 2 v 6

C. 5 v 7

D. 4 v 8

Semi final – first leg: 9 April, second leg: 23 April

A v B

C v D

Final – 14 May

Kenna table week 22

Kenna manager fears over missing striker

KENNA League managers have expressed their growing concern over the disappearance of Argentine footballer Emiliano Sala.

The Piper Malibu light aircraft carrying the striker vanished over the English Channel on Monday night.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager was first to comment from his rolled-down car window outside the club’s Bellend Road stadium.

‘I’m worried sick for the lad. He was scoring loads of goals in France and had promise coming to England.

‘Alvaro Morata’s been a flop for Lokomotiv this season and I was hoping to be in with a chance of signing Sala at next Friday’s transfer window.’

The Pikey Scum manager echoed those concerns: ‘Devastated. What more can you say? Harry Kane’s injured until March and if I’m to have any chance of challenging for the league I’ll need a decent replacement at a decent price. This shocking news can only drive up bidding values.’

The Sporting Lesbian manager took a more Cumbrian approach to expressing his concerns over the missing Sala.

‘I paid £23m for Arnautovic and now he’s buggering off to China. I’ve only got £7m in the bank and the best strikers out there are Fernando Llorente, Jurgen Locadia and Isaac Success.

‘I’m going to need a bloody miracle.’

Managers have until 9am on Friday 1 February to submit their players to be released to Kenna HQ.

The season’s second transfer window will open at 7pm that night in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Krakow Cup results – final group game and standings

Krakow Cup – third place group standings (top four qualify)

Position	Team	Played	For	Against	Difference	Points
1 (Q)	Fat Ladies	3	82	94	-12	6
2 (Q)	Dagger’n’Redbridge	3	92	94	-2	3
3 (Q)	Pikey Scum	3	120	127	-7	3
4 (Q)	Newington Reds	3	77	86	-9	3
5	Cowley Casuals	3	134	144	-10	3
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	3	73	98	-25	3

Kenna table week 21

Kenna week 21 - 22 January 2019 — Kenna week 21 – 22 January 2019

Kenna rocked by ‘spygate’

A KENNA manager is being held by the league’s manager experiences department on suspicion of spying on other clubs, it was revealed today.

The unnamed manager is under investigation for spying on Young Boys, Hairy Fadjeetas, Sporting Lesbians and Craving Cottaging.

According to a source at Kenna HQ, when questioned about why he had chosen to spy on those four clubs and not others like the Chairman’s XI or Pikey Scum he replied: ‘I wouldn’t be interested in that sort of thing.

‘I once spied on Piss Poor, but it didn’t turn out to be what I thought it might.’

Injury to Pikey Scum’s Harry Kane will be welcome news at Bikini Lane, home ground of Hairy Fadjeetas. They now top the table by more than 100 points.

Krakow Cup fixtures this weekend – final group game

Piss Poor	v	Turnpike Pirates
Craving Cottaging	v	Newington Reds
Clotted Cream First	v	FC Testiculadew
Daegger’n Redbridge	v	Thieving Magpies
Fat Ladies	v	Test team please ignore
Still dont know yet	v	Tottenham Network Solutions
Hairy Fadjeetas	v	Dynamo Charlton
Young Boys	v	Pikey Scum
Mo me the Mane	v	Chairman’s XI
Cowley Casuals	v	Dulwich Red Sox
Lokomotiv Leeds	v	Sporting Lesbian
Judean Peoples’ Front	v	Bala Rinas

Kenna table week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Wayne’s Struggle

Given the brevity of a career in professional football I had decided to plan for retirement by going into vegetable farming. I purchased a cabbage farm. Keen to employ a local workforce, I advertised in the local paper and a number of people from the Polish community applied. They worked hard and they worked long hours, so in return…
@WayneHennessey1

…I had some crude wooden huts built so they could shelter from the weather. To give them a team spirit I was kindly given some 2000-01 Crystal Palace shirts which were fine aside from a mistake at the factory which meant instead of having red and blue stripes they were brown and a grey/green colour. After a number of cabbage thefts…
@WayneHennessey1

…from the farm, I took advice from a security consultant. Having erected a 10-foot perimeter fence of barbed wire around the farm, I decided to take on the security firm, who were called All Black Security due to the founders coming from New Zealand. In accordance with their brand guidelines their security uniforms were all black. As part of the security company’s sustainability strategy their guard dogs…
@WayneHennessey1

…were rescued from a local animal shelter for German shepherds. It was therefore not my intention, upon inviting a children’s group from the local synagogue to find out more about vegetable farming, to give the impression I was operating a fully-functional concentration camp. I understand how this could be misconstrued and I assure you my values or the values of my cabbage farm do not tally with this version of events. I would never do that, and any resemblance is coincidental. Love and peace.
@WayneHennessey1

Krakow Cup – second group match results

Krakow Cup third place qualifying group (top four qualify)

Pos	Team	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Clotted Cream First	75	76	-1	3
2	Newington Reds	58	62	-4	3
3	Dynamo Charlton	74	87	-13	3
4	Fat Ladies	63	83	-20	3
5	Chairman’s XI	90	124	-34	3
6	Bala Rinas	61	114	-53	3

Kenna table week 19

The Big Win

EXCITEMENT around Kenna HQ was palpable.

It was more than just the buzz from a festive excess of cheese, sloe gin or the realisation you can buy a round for the whole of a country pub for the price of two pints on Theobalds Road.

The treasurer apparently had some investment news.

The promise of a windfall was affecting different football administrators in different ways.

The vice chairman booked out the board room and was phoning his ‘contact’ for a bumper order ahead of the second transfer window. It was rumoured he would be organising the event in the chairman’s likely absence.

Giggles of glee could be heard from the charts and graphs department in anticipation of entering big numbers in their little boxes.

The chalkstripes from speculations had headed to the Kenna HQ local, the Goalshy Badger, especially early and were bounding around the public bar pool table in high spirits in between unusually long stints in the gents.

The most hubbub, however, came from the chairman‘s office.

“We can finally open the Kenna club, buy premises, get those club ties!” he was heard shouting over the din of his cocktail cabinet.

“Finally, we can attract a higher class of manager. I won’t have to slum it with these taffs, pirates and tactical dimwits,” he later claimed was misheard.

After lunch, the Kenna committee gathered in the lounge bar of the Goalshy Badger for the treasurer’s full report. The chairman opened the meeting.

“Mr treasurer, we understand you have good news for me….ahem…for the league. Pray share this update with the committee.”

As the treasurer stood preparing to speak, the chairman leafed through a brochure of commercial premises in Mayfair. The vice chairman continued to pour the contents of a small plastic bag into urine sample pots of cider.

“Our investment vehicle has made a return for the first time in 10 years,” announced the treasurer to an expectant committee.

“Tell us,” demanded the chairman, “Tell us how much? Is it £50k? £100k? No, no, you don’t mean you got a visit from Agent Million?”

Shaking, the head of charts and graphs knocked back one of the urine sample pots.

The treasurer looked embarrassed.

“Umm, it’s £25,” he said.

The room went quiet. After a few moments the chairman arose, stuffed seven urine sample pots into his pockets and disappeared over the road into the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

It would be some time before he emerged.

Krakow Cup fixtures – second group match

Group A	Piss Poor	Newington Reds
Group A	Craving Cottaging	Turnpike Pirates
Group B	Clotted Cream First	Thieving Magpies
Group B	Daegger’n Redbridge	FC Testiculadew
Group C	Fat Ladies	Tottenham Network Solutions
Group C	Still dont know yet	Test team please ignore
Group D	Hairy Fadjeetas	Pikey Scum
Group D	Young Boys	Dynamo Charlton
Group E	Mo me the Mane	Dulwich Red Sox
Group E	Cowley Casuals	Chairman’s XI
Group F	Lokomotiv Leeds	Bala Rinas
Group F	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sporting Lesbian

Month: January 2019