IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?
For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.
The question is who you shouldn’t buy.
Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.
Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers
A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.
The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.
Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI
It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.
No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.
Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies
A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.
The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.
Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds
It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.
The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.
As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.
Reds are 16th in the league.
Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town
The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.
The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.
Kenna League week 5
Full scores available from The Rub
