FOUR football managers from Wolverhampton have filed a class action lawsuit against the Kenna League for alleged discrimination at last week’s transfer window.
Running the window auction on video conferencing for the first time in the history of the Kenna, the chairman kept mistaking which Black Country manager was bidding for players because ‘they all sound the same to me’.
‘Usually we’re in the pub and I can tell who’s who because of where they’re sitting and where the low sort-of-growly noise is coming from. Last Friday it was a wall of tiles on the screen,’ said the chairman this week.
The Wulfrunian managers were outraged, and have not accepted the chairman’s explanation, instead choosing to pursue legal action.
The Wolverhampton-born manager of Walthamstow Reds detailed exactly why they were taking this issue so seriously: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam just laayzy stereotoiping.
The Thieving Magpies manager, another plaintiff, was clearly furious: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam don’t all sound the soime. It’s a disgroice.’
The Cowley Casuals boss told the Express and Star: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam soigned Benrahma not Royan Bertrand.’
The fourth Black Country manager to file the class action suit, the Bunch of Kuntz gaffer, is in his debut season in the Kenna. He added a touch of metaphor to his comment on the situation: ‘Yam yam yam. Yam yam yam. Yam yam Ebangks-Blaayke in Roileys on Broad Street.’
Covid Cup draw
Group A – Bala Rinas, The Dark Lord, Dynamo Charlton, Reds, Vice chairman
Group B – Pikey Scum, Pies, Casuals, Bunch of Kuntz, Daggers
Group C – Chairman’s XI, Clotted Cream, Test Team, Fadges, The Pirate
Group D – Piss Poor, TNS, Barry Town, Lokomotiv, Breivik
Bala v Dark Lord Dynamo v Reds Scum v Pies Casuals v Kuntz Chairman v Cream TT v Fadges PP v TNS Barry v Lokomotiv
Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.
Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?
Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.
The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.
Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.
Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.
Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.
Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.
Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.
But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.
Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?
The Dark Lord’s wildcard
No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.
Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.
It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.
The Pirate’s Bramble
Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.
Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.
The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?
Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.