James Milner has been fined in Switzerland for breaking Covid restrictions with a Kenna League manager and nine sex workers.
Local police raided a party last night in the Basle flat of the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who claims he was following rules by being in a private location with up to nine people, and the English midfielder turned up uninvited.
‘I’ve been single since the start of the pandemic, it’s been lonely, and Swiss Covid restrictions allow up to 10 people inside each other,’ said the Fadges boss.
Milner’s presence at the flat is thought to have been caused by the Kenna post-auction autofill, whereby any gaps in a manager’s starting eleven are automatically allocated the highest-valued unsold players.
The veteran English midfielder is frequently overlooked by Kenna managers at the start of the season because everyone thinks he’s past it.
With 43 points (13 starts, 13 sub appearances, two assists) Milner is currently outperforming a host of midfielders for whom Kenna managers paid multi-million pound sums at the September auction.
This inauspicious list includes Donny van de Beek, for whom the Fadges boss paid £16m (or 16 per cent of his total budget).
The Dutchman was released at the February transfer window having scored a paltry 22 points.
Hairy Fadjeetas are 15th in the table, but have a chance to win the manager’s first ever piece of silverware in 10 seasons with a Covid Cup semi final against Craft Beer Wankers, known to insiders as the Duke of Sussex Derby.
The first leg takes place this weekend.
The Fadges boss said: ‘Winning the Covid Cup would be an honour, but since I live in Switzerland the £75 prize money won’t even begin to cover the cost of this Covid fine. Or the hookers.’
Kenna League week 30
Covid Cup semi final first leg fixtures this weekend
Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers