Month: April 2021

Milnered

James Milner has been fined in Switzerland for breaking Covid restrictions with a Kenna League manager and nine sex workers.

Local police raided a party last night in the Basle flat of the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who claims he was following rules by being in a private location with up to nine people, and the English midfielder turned up uninvited.

‘I’ve been single since the start of the pandemic, it’s been lonely, and Swiss Covid restrictions allow up to 10 people inside each other,’ said the Fadges boss.

Milner’s presence at the flat is thought to have been caused by the Kenna post-auction autofill, whereby any gaps in a manager’s starting eleven are automatically allocated the highest-valued unsold players.

The veteran English midfielder is frequently overlooked by Kenna managers at the start of the season because everyone thinks he’s past it.

With 43 points (13 starts, 13 sub appearances, two assists) Milner is currently outperforming a host of midfielders for whom Kenna managers paid multi-million pound sums at the September auction.

This inauspicious list includes Donny van de Beek, for whom the Fadges boss paid £16m (or 16 per cent of his total budget).

The Dutchman was released at the February transfer window having scored a paltry 22 points.

Hairy Fadjeetas are 15th in the table, but have a chance to win the manager’s first ever piece of silverware in 10 seasons with a Covid Cup semi final against Craft Beer Wankers, known to insiders as the Duke of Sussex Derby.

The first leg takes place this weekend.

The Fadges boss said: ‘Winning the Covid Cup would be an honour, but since I live in Switzerland the £75 prize money won’t even begin to cover the cost of this Covid fine. Or the hookers.’

Kenna League week 30

Kenna week 29 - 27 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 27 April 2021

Covid Cup semi final first leg fixtures this weekend

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

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‘Bramble Six’ breakaway league collapses

Bramble Super League proposals withdrawn after huge global backlash.

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THE football world exploded on Sunday evening when six clubs in the Kenna League announced they were forming a breakaway Bramble Super League.

The so-called ‘Bramble Six’ tried to create a midweek competition where tactical Brambling is acceptable, but unbridled global outrage forced them to shelve the plan.

The splinter group were led by the manager of FC Testiculadew, known in the Kenna as ‘the Tactical Brambler’ for his shocking exploitation of the auction forfeit process in 2012.

Upon announcing the BS League, the Tactical Brambler told media ‘legacy managers’ were holding back football with their traditional views of fair play.

Known habitual ‘Bramblers’ at Kenna auctions are among the other breakaway managers. They include:

Reaction to the BS League announcement was unequivocal.

UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said: ‘Gentelmen [sic], you made a huge mistake. There is time to change your mind.’

FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: ‘There is a lot to throw away for maybe a short-term financial gain for some. Either you are in or you are out.’

Alan Shearer said: ‘This league is plain simple and wrong [because it doesn’t include Newcastle].’

The Kenna chairman claimed the Bramble Six plans were simply a red herring, devised by the Tactical Brambler to gain concessions and be made guest organiser of of the Euro 2021 auction.

‘You think these people care about the fans? You think they care what you, or the media says about them?’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘They’ve all come out and apologised now, but they never wanted to create the BS League from the start. They want more power over the structures already in place, and they’re trying to flex their muscles to get it.’

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 27 (53) – 19 (31) Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 15 (37) – 27 (51) The Dark Lord
Fadges 8 (27) – 17 (21) Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 13 (36) – 27 (49) Craft Beer Wankers

Semi final fixtures (4 May first leg, 11 May second leg)

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 29

Kenna week 29 - 20 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 20 April 2021
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Kenna pays tribute to Duke of Inappropriate Content

THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.

Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.

‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.

‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.

‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’

The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 12 Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 22 – 24 The Dark Lord
Fadges 19 – 4 Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 23 – 22 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 28

Kenna League week 28 - 13 April 2021
Kenna League week 28 – 13 April 2021
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Cock block

THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.

So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.

‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.

‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.

‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.

Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.

Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.

Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.

‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.

‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’

Covid Cup – group stage results

Covid Cup - 19 March 2021
Covid Cup – 19 March 2021

Kenna League week 27

Kenna week 27 – 6 April 2021

Kenna League week 26

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26 - 23 March 2021
Kenna week 26 – 23 March 2021

Kenna League week 25

Kenna League week 25 - 19 March 2021
Kenna League week 25 – 19 March 2021
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