The Kenna Putsch

THE political world was rocked this week as dissenting fantasy football managers stormed Kenna HQ in protest at the chairman.

The managers of Judean Peoples’ Front, Dagger’n’Redbridge, Lokomotiv Leeds, and Young Boys overwhelmed security forces to occupy Kenna HQ, before desecrating the chairman’s cocktail cabinet, smashing up the Titus Bramble Lounge (pictured), and taking recreational drugs in the executive toilet.

The attack is thought to have been sparked by the perceived unfair treatment of the quartet of managers who failed to turn up to the September auction, and had their teams completed by autofill once all the best players had been sold.

Mobile phone footage of the insurrectionists shows them shouting slogans ‘free the absentees’ and ‘hell no autofill’.

Once the alcohol had run dry, the rebels got bored and left, telling TV news crews outside they would continue to take revenge at the transfer window two weeks on Friday.

The chairman, who was away from Kenna HQ in self isolation, played down security fears, putting the sedition down to jealousy.

‘Let’s not forget, these managers all failed to attend the auction, so if they end up with the likes of Mesut Ozil and Odion Ighalo they’ve only got themselves to blame.

‘They may have occupied Kenna HQ for a couple of hours, but they’ll be occupying four of the last five places in the table for the rest of the season.

‘Of course, the other place will be occupied by the Craft Beer Wankers manager who did attend the auction, but performed so badly he’s got Glenn Murray and north London serial killer Dennis Nilsen up front.’

Kenna League week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 17 - 19 January 2021
Kenna week 17 – 19 January 2021

Kenna League week 16

Kenna week 16 - 12 January 2021
Kenna week 16 – 12 January 2021
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Who needs enemies when you’ve got managers like these?

THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.

Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who is more than two years behind in payments, is reported to have sent the items to Kenna HQ after being humiliated before Christmas when he was snapped in the pub with fellow debtor the Dulwich Red Sox manager.

‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.

Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.

Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.

The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

Transfer window details announced

The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.

Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.

The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.

Eight loan players will also be made available for the window:

Trent A-A (42 points) – Bala Rinas, 1st in the league
Sebastian Haller (41) – Dynamo Charlton, 5th
Joelinton (35) – Bunch of Kuntz, 13th
Oliver McBurnie (28) – Thame Network Solutions, 6th
Luke Shaw (23) – Cowley Casuals, 8th
Fred (19) – Piss Poor, 3rd
Gareth Bale (10) – Judean Peoples’ Front, 20th
Thiago (5) – Lokomotiv Leeds, 17th

Auction non-attendees the vice chairman and the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager are yet to discover the identity of their loan players.

A live head-to-head challenge between the two managers just before the transfer window begins has been tabled. The winner will decide the loser’s loan player.

Dennis Praet (33 points, vice chairman) and Bobby De Cordova-Reid (44 points, Daggers) are front runners.

Covid Cup

This season’s cup competition will see four groups of five in a seeded draw at the window, with the top two teams from each advancing straight into a quarter-final knockout stage.

WeekScores publishedNotesTransfer windowCup
1612 January
1719 January
1826 JanuaryDouble GW
192 FebruaryFriday 5 FebruaryDraw
209 February
2116 FebruaryGroup fixture 1
2223 FebruaryGroup fixture 2
232 MarchGroup fixture 3
249 MarchGroup fixture 4
2516 MarchGroup fixture 5
2623 March
276 April
2813 AprilQF first leg
2920 AprilQF second leg
3027 April
314 MaySF first leg
3211 MaySF second leg
3318 May15 May – FA Cup Final
3425 MayFinal

Kenna table week 15

Kenna week 15 - 6 January 2021
Kenna week 15 – 6 January 2021

Kenna table week 14

Kenna week 14 - 29 December 2020
Kenna week 14 – 29 December 2020

Kenna table week 13

Kenna week 13 - 22 December 2020
Kenna week 13 – 22 December 2020
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NEARLY £500 of unpaid Kenna subs have been photographed at large walking a tightrope of pandemic restrictions in a London pub.

The grainy image emerged on Tuesday evening and featured the Judean Peoples’ Front manager and former Dulwich Red Sox manager taunting the league chairman from a table of Czech lager.

The Red Sox manager is reported to still be defending his debt with a seven-year-old story of a botched ‘first goal of the season’ sweepstake excuse involving Daniel Sturridge.

The JPF manager is said to be unrepentant and even failed to acknowledge a demand for payment disguised as a ‘Congratulations’ card sent by Kenna HQ on the birth of his second child earlier this year.

The Kenna ethics committee are particularly keen to speak to the vice chairman, who appears in the image with the two debtors, and crucially was delegated to organise a first goal of the season sweepstake seven years ago.

Upstanding Kenna managers will be pleased to note both Judean Peoples’ Front and the vice chairman’s side Young Boys are languishing at and near the foot of the table respectively.

French authorities are still keen to speak to the vice chairman over a string of suspected sex offences in the Midi Pyrenees region last month dubbed ‘Le Young Boys’ by local media.

Kenna table week 11

Kenna week 11 - 8 December 2020
Kenna week 11 – 8 December 2020

Kenna League week 12

Kenna week 12 - 15 December 2020
Kenna week 12 – 15 December 2020

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Bala Rinas dancing to treasurer’s tune

THE Kenna League treasurer spent his fifth week running at the top of the table with a host of players performing strongly.

Jamie Vardy (57 points), Che Adams (46), Jarrod Bowen (43), Sir Marcus (39), and Hugo Lloris (37) have raced out the traps for a manager who’s highest Kenna finish is third in nine seasons of trying.

The Bala manager’s most expensive auction signing Trent Alexander-Arnold (£30m) has returned the fewest points (14) with the exception Saed Kolasinac, whose principle role in the team is as a car jacking deterrent.

‘It’s 10 weeks into the season and all the players and club staff are safe and well, so we can’t fault Saed’s commitment,’ said the treasurer.

Kenna debutants Bunch of Kuntz jumped into the top half of the table after a hat-trick from Riyad Mahrez and another penalty from Bruno Fernandes, his seventh goal of the campaign.

The Bunch of Kuntz manager will be looking forward to the February transfer window to patch up an incredibly shaky defence which includes Kevin Long (8 points), Ruben Vinagre (6) and Joe Gomez (2).

The highest performing unsigned defender Kurt Zouma will be a target, but the Kuntz manager will face stiff competition from the Pirate (Rudiger, 7 points) and Dynamo Charlton (Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, 2).

Kenna League week 10

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 10 - 1 December 2020
Kenna week 10 – 1 December 2020
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French police hunt ‘Le Young Boys’

FRENCH police say they are tightening the net on a suspected sex offender at large in the south of the country.

Numerous reports have been made during the pandemic lockdown of a man hiding in wooded areas throughout the Midi-Pyrenees region waiting to pounce on teenagers who show any football talent.

French media have dubbed him ‘Le Young Boys’.

‘We’re very keen to speak to anyone who may know the whereabouts of this man. He’s around 40 years of age, and of medium height and build. He may identify himself as a Welshman or a Belgian, but strangely has no working knowledge of the Welsh, Flemish or French languages,’ said a Gendarmerie National spokesman.

‘Le Young Boys’ is said to approach targets with promises of a lucrative contract to play football in England.

One victim, who wished to remain anonymous, said: ‘He jumped out of a tree and said I’d be part of the richest league in the world. He insisted we toast the contract with a drink, which he provided.

‘I woke several days later in south London, locked in a cellar with Kostas Tsimikas and made to spend 15 hours a day making replica Marc Wilmots Belgium shirts from the 2002 World Cup.

‘I managed to escape but it was touch and go. I couldn’t find any way to leave the area apart from the number 88 bus which took forever. Later I was told ‘Le Young Boys’ had a place in Wandsworth.’

Authorities believe ‘Le Young Boys‘ may be part of a obscure fantasy football league formed in London, and struggling this season near the relegation zone.

Kenna League week 9

Kenna week 9 - 24 November 2020
Kenna week 9 – 24 November 2020
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[insert pithy headline here]

[insert withering takedown of modern life using Ollie Watkins as a metaphor here]

Kenna League week 7

Kenna week 7 - 3 November 2020
Kenna week 7 – 3 November 2020

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 10 November 2020
Kenna week 8 – 10 November 2020
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Cuckoo Lane

Turning into the pathway he stopped still and stared into the black.

Sodium lighting in the street was doing little to penetrate the narrow passage and he could only see a few feet of heavy stone wall disappearing into nothingness.

Straining his ears after the dash along the pavement, urging the blood fizzing around his head to stop, he could only make out distant traffic from the London Road until he heard the faint scrape of a footstep up ahead.

He fished out his phone and flicked on the torch. Slowly at first he advanced, the phone illuminating a small circle of light just in front of him. The ground was littered with leaves in various stages of decay, the gauzy halo of lamplight reflected pale greens, white golds and tans. The foliage tangled with broken twigs and heavy rainfall from earlier in the day, all of which squished underneath his shoes. The smell of wet fauna and the cold, smokey aroma of evenings suddenly lengthened filled the air, and it almost felt like the damp and decomposing vegetation underfoot would seep through his leather soles and up his body, bringing with it anxiety, low self-esteem and a sense of doom lapping at his soul. Doctors might call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Kenna managers knew the sensation simply as ‘the season’.

He ducked under an arched stone bridge, his trepidation and nerves echoing from the grimy walls. Stood upright the other side he paused and listened. Was that another footstep?

He ran. Slowly at first as he bowed to dodge a second arch, but then in full strides, the ends of his breath visible in the jolting ring of torchlight. Hanging birch leaves brushed his head and shoots of ivy lashed his eyes.

If he failed to catch the fleeing form before the end of the lane he knew it would be gone for weeks, only to reappear fleetingly just before the February transfer window.

Surfacing at the other end of the passageway he slowed to the disappointed jog/walk of a commuter styling out just missing the 76 to Waterloo.

That was it. In the quiet street opposite Rowlands Pharmacy – hands on his knees, long deep breaths inflating and collapsing his shoulders – he knew the chase was futile.

The ghost of J Rod’s form had vanished.

Kenna week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 6 - 27 October 2020
Kenna League week 6 – 27 October 2020
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The five worst Kenna auction signings

IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?

For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.

The question is who you shouldn’t buy.

Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.

Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers

A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.

The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.

Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI

It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.

No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.

Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies

A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.

The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.

Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds

It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.

The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.

As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.

Reds are 16th in the league.

Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town

The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.

Kenna League week 5

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna League week 5 - 19 October 2020
Kenna League week 5 – 19 October 2020
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MESUT Ozil has been disciplined by his club for secretly sending a second to take his place in training sessions.

The German playmaker was found to have paid the club mascot to pretend he was Ozil in a dinosaur suit and attend training on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.

A source at Ozil’s Kenna League club Judean Peoples’ Front says it took two days to uncover to the switch because a middle-aged man in an oversized comedy dinosaur suit shuffling around the training ground so resembled the Ozil the coaching staff have come to know.

‘To be honest we were surprised because he appeared to be putting in some effort for once. We thought he was trying to play his way back into the starting eleven,’ said the source.

‘Mesut Ozil has been suspended pending an internal investigation. It would be inappropriate to comment further while the investigation is underway,’ read a statement from club blazers.

It is thought the club investigation will centre on a tweet by Ozil offering to pay the mascot’s wages.

Judean Peoples’ Front have made a slow start to the season, which stems from the manager’s failure to attend the 12 September auction and have his team hatecrimed by autofill.

Asked about his ambitions for the campaign, another JPF midfielder Gareth Bale said: ‘Could you pass my six iron?’

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 4 – 6 October 2020
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Dagger’n’Redbridge 2020/21

Kepa ArrizabalagaCHE £                     0.50
Joel MatipLIV £                     0.50
John StonesMCI £                     0.50
Fabian SchärNEW £                     0.50
Ahmed El MohamadyAVA £                     0.50
Nathan RedmondSOU £                     0.50
Dani CeballosARS £                     0.50
Luka MilivojevicCRY £                     0.50
Tanguy NdombeleTOT £                     0.50
Odion IghaloMUN £                     0.50
Bobby De Cordova-ReidFUL £                     0.50
   £                     5.50
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