The chairman – Page 67 – The Jeff Kenna League

Easy targets

Tirowka — Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012 — Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	4
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	28	2
4	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	2
5	Greendale Rockets	Stu	26	3
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	2
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
9	Woking	Mike	22	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	1
12	Piedmonte	Phil	19	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	2
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	16	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Mata, J – CHE – MID
		Club	PSV Mornington

Just one, Borini

Cornetto — He’s from Bologna, in Italy: Fabio Borini’s summer is over unless he can find the net

There was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Enter!” said the Vasco De Beauvoir manager from his desk. It was performance review day.

A gauche Fabio Borini shuffled in wearing the club’s new training kit: brown with pink lightening bolts. The Vasco manager gestured towards the empty chair in the middle of the room. The Italian gingerly seated himself.

“Do you know why I’ve asked you in?” said the Vasco boss. He glowered, visibly on edge.

Borini looked at the floor.

“That’s right,” continued the manager, starting to toy with a silver letter opener. “I’d like to talk to you about expectations.”

The last word the Vasco manager pronounced very slowly. It was imperative he dragged the team out of this rut. Ever since the 2010 treble, results had dwindled. His empire was crumbling.

The Italian knew what was coming and rallied. He rattled out: “It’s just a matter of time for me. The same thing happened last season. I scored one goal before October, then got injured for three months and after that I scored my second goal in January.

“From January until March I scored eight goals. I know from past experience that the goals will come. In Swansea I scored six goals from March until May. The goals do com….”

“January! Fucking January!” yelled the Vasco boss, stabbing the paper knife into the polished mahogany desk and springing to his feet. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed in between picking up 10 fucking appearance points in the last two months, but we’re bottom of the fucking league!

“I need you to start pulling something out your arse, Sonny Jim, or you won’t just find yourself with the knife between your teeth, or whatever that contrived goal celebration is about, you’ll find this fucking letter opener giving you a Chelsea fucking smile!”

As he delivered this impassioned vitriol, the Vasco manager had picked up the dagger, moved around the desk and ended the outburst pointing it, shaking with rage, an inch from the quaking 21-year-old’s nose.

“B..b..but..” he stammered.

“Don’t fucking ‘but’ me,” screamed the Vasco boss, spittle hitting the Italian’s face. “I spent a lot of time justifying to the board why I forked out £19m for you. I told them you’re the next fucking Aguero.”

Borini knew better than to react at this last comment. Jermaine Pennant had been dropped after one start for mentioning the Argentine’s name in a team meeting.

“Now, let’s make a deal, “said the Vasco manager in a conciliatory yet strained voice. “You start scoring goals and I won’t sling you out of here like the slovenly luxury player you want to be.”

As he nodded his assent, Borini was saved by a knock at the door. He would not be the only player to get this one-on-one motivational talk today.

“And speaking of slovenly luxury players,” the Vasco boss was genial again. The head of Tomas Rosicky popped around the door.

“Come in Tomas. Fabio was just leaving,” said the gaffer. “Now tell me: why shouldn’t I injure your other shin?”

League table

Week 7 - 9 October 2012 — Week 7 – 9 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	39	2
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	33	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	31	1
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	30	2
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	26	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
12	Woking	Mike	21	1
13	FC Testicluadew	James N	21	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	20	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	9	0
19	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	7	0
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	5	0

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article — Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012 — Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	4
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	2
6	Woking	Mike	27	0
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	25	0
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	22	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lambert, R – SOT – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S	GK	Dynamo Charlton	£13m
Dunne, R	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£3.5m
Hutton, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Warnock, S	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2m
Holman, B	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
N’Zogbia, C	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
El Ahmadi, K	MID	Pikey Scum	£3m
Ireland, S	MID	Woking	£7m
Delph, F	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Agbonlahor, G	STR	PSV Mornington	£7m
Bent, D	STR	Piedmonte	£16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T	GK	Woking	£4m
Wilson, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£2m
Huth, R	DEF	Pikey Scum	£5m
Shawcross, R	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£11m
Upson, M	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Delap, R	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Pennant, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1m
Kightly, M	MID	Greendale Rockets	£5m
Etherington, M	MID	Newington Reds	£6m
Walters, J	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£7m
Crouch, P	STR	FC Testicluadew	£2m

Swansea

Taylor, N	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Rangel, A	DEF	Newington Reds	£3m
Williams, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£3.5m
Michu	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£2.5m
Routledge, W	MID	Headless Chickens	£1m
Britton, L	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Sinclair, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£11m
Dyer, N	MID	Piedmonte	£10m
Lita, L	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£20m
Graham, D	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£10m

West Brom

Foster, B	GK	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
McAuley, G	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£0.5m
Olsson, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tamas, G	DEF	Woking	£5.5m
Morrison, J	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Brunt, C	MID	Pikey Scum	£4m
Mulumbu, Y	MID	Newington Reds	£1.5m
Lukaku, R	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Odemwingie, P	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.

Norwich

Ruddy, J	GK	FC Testicluadew	£1.5m
Pilkington, A	MID	Headless Chickens	£3.5m
Snodgrass, R	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£6.5m
Hoolahan, W	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2.5m
Holt, G	STR	Bala Rinas	£9m

Reading

Federici, A	GK	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Harte, I	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£10m
Pearce, A	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£3m
McCleary, G	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	STR	Pikey Scum	£8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P	GK	PSV Mornington	£4.5m
Clyne, N	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m
Lallana, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Sharp, B	STR	Woking	£1.5m
Lambert, R	STR	Piedmonte	£13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – North east

Immediately identify Kenna players in north east Premier League clubs: Newcastle and Sunderland.

Newcastle

Krul, T	GK	Spartak Mogadishu	£21m
Ferguson, S	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£1m
Santon, D	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£4m
Williamson, M	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£4m
Taylor, S	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£5m
Simpson, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£6.5m
Coloccini, F	DEF	Piedmonte	£10m
Taylor, R	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Marveaux, S	MID	Bala Rinas	£2m
Gutierrez, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Tiote, C	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Ben Arfa, H	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£6.5m
Cabaye, Y	MID	Woking	£17m
Ba, D	STR	PSV Mornington	£17m
Cisse, P	STR	Northern Monkeys	£15m

Sunderland

Mignolet, S	GK	Hairy Fadjeetas	£5.5m
Brown, W	DEF	PSV Mornington	£3m
Bardsley, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£2.5m
Cuellar, C	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
O’Shea, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£5.5m
Johnson, A	MID	Piedmonte	£4.5m
McClean, J	MID	Bala Rinas	£14m
Cattermole, L	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Sessegnon, S	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£13m
Larsson, S	MID	Woking	£9m
Campbell, F	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m

London club guide

North west club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.

Everton

Howard, T	GK	Newington Reds	£8m
Baines, L	DEF	Woking	£22m
Distin, S	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£6m
Neville, P	DEF	Bala Rinas	£4m
Jagielka, P	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£7.5m
Heitinga, J	DEF	PSV Mornington	£6m
Hibbert, T	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Osman, L	MID	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Fellaini, M	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£9m
Pienaar, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£12m
Jelavic, N	STR	Judean Peoples’ Front	£21m

Liverpool

Reina, P	GK	Greendale Rockets	£16m
Agger, D	DEF	Bala Rinas	£15m
Skrtel, M	DEF	Newington Reds	£17m
Enrique, J	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£13m
Carragher, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£0.5m
Johnson, G	DEF	Piedmonte	£8m
Downing, S	MID	Pikey Scum	£8m
Gerrard, S	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£15m
Leiva, L	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Henderson, J	MID	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Allen, J	MID	Woking	£7m
Borini, F	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£19m
Suarez, L	STR	Sporting Lesbian	£36m

Manchester City

Hart, J	GK	Judean Peoples’ Front	£22m
Savic, S	DEF	Bala Rinas	£10m
Zabaleta, P	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£7m
Kompany, V	DEF	Headless Chickens	£18m
Lescott, J	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£12m
Richards, M	DEF	Woking	£12m
Milner, J	MID	Newington Reds	£0.5m
Silva, D	MID	Just put Carles	£32m
Nasri, S	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£15m
Toure, Y	MID	FC Testicluadew	£21m
Balotelli, M	STR	Still Don’t Know Yet	£23m
Aguero, S	STR	Sporting Lesbian	£12m
Adebayor, E	STR	Pikey Scum	£0.5m
Tevez, C	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£30m
Dzeko, E	STR	Northern Monkeys	£1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D	GK	Pikey Scum	£19m
Ferdinand, R	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£6.5m
Evra, P	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£15m
Jones, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£9.5m
Vidic, N	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£13m
Rafael	DEF	Piedmonte	£2m
Kagawa, S	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£26m
Nani	MID	Bala Rinas	£15m
Carrick, M	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Valencia, A	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£17m
Cleverley, T	MID	Northern Monkeys	£8.5m
Young, A	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£15m
Rooney, W	STR	Greendale Rockets	£38m
Welbeck, D	STR	Just put Carles	£7m
Hernandez, J	STR	Woking	£5.5m
van Persie, R	STR	Still Don’t Know Yet	£35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A	GK	Vasco De Beauvoir	£2.5m
Figueroa, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£0.5m
Boyce, E	DEF	Pikey Scum	£0.5m
Alcaraz, A	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Miyaichi, R	MID	Newington Reds	£5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham

Arsenal

Szczesny, W	GK	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£19m
Gibbs, K	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£15m
Sagna, B	DEF	Pikey Scum	£11m
Koscielny, L	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£17m
Vermaelen, T	DEF	Newington Reds	£17m
Squillaci, S	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Santos, A	DEF	Woking	£2.5m
Rosicky, T	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1.5m
Walcott, T	MID	Headless Chickens	£17m
Chamberlain, A	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£8.5m
Arteta, M	MID	Just put Carles	£16m
Cazorla, S	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Giroud, O	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£6m
Gervinho	STR	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Chamakh, M	STR	Hairy Fadjeetas	£16.5m
Podolski, L	STR	FC Testicluadew	£11m

Chelsea

Cech, P	GK	Headless Chickens	£19m
Ivanovic, B	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£10m
Cahill, G	DEF	Pikey Scum	£7.5m
Cole, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£17m
Terry, J	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£14m
Luiz, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£3m
Mata, J	MID	PSV Mornington	£28m
Marin, M	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£0.5m
Ramires	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£12m
Meireles, R	MID	Greendale Rockets	£6m
Oscar	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£5.5m
Hazard, E	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£26m
McEachran, J	MID	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£9m
Moses, V	MID	Bala Rinas	£12m
Lampard, F	MID	Piedmonte	£16m
Torres, F	STR	Newington Reds	£37m
Sturridge, D	STR	Just put Carles	£20m

Fulham

Schwarzer, M	GK	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Riise, J	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£10m
Senderos, P	DEF	PSV Mornington	£5m
Riether, S	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m
Hughes, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£4m
Hangeland, B	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£11m
Frei, K	MID	FC Testicluadew	£5.5m
Rodallega, H	STR	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m

QPR

Green, R	GK	Piedmonte	£0.5m
Fabio	DEF	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Ferdinand, A	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£4m
Fabio	DEF	PSV Mornington	£5m
Nelsen, R	DEF	Newington Reds	£0.5m
Young, L	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
Taarabt, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£1m
W-Phillips, S	MID	Greendale Rockets	£6m
Park, J	MID	Northern Monkeys	£6m
Cisse, D	STR	Bala Rinas	£12m
Zamora, B	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£2m

Spurs

Friedel, B	GK	Northern Monkeys	£0.5m
Kaboul, Y	DEF	Bala Rinas	£6.5m
Dawson, M	DEF	Headless Chickens	£6m
Walker, K	DEF	Just put Carles	£12m
Assou-Ekotto, B	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£7m
Vertonghen, J	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£13m
Sigurdsson, G	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£20m
Bale, G	MID	Pikey Scum	£30m
Modric, L	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£1m
Lennon, A	MID	Greendale Rockets	£8.5m
Parker, S	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
van der Vaart, R	MID	Piedmonte	£17m
Dempsey, C	MID	Headless Chickens	£21m
Dembele, M	STR	Newington Reds	£2.5m
Defoe, J	STR	Hairy Fadjeetas	£13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J	GK	Bala Rinas	£0.5m
Collins, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	DEF	Piedmonte	£3m
O’Neil, G	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£0.5m
Noble, M	MID	PSV Mornington	£8m
Nolan, K	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£5m
Cole, C	STR	Headless Chickens	£1.5m
Carroll, A	STR	Headless Chickens	£1m

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene — Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern Monkeys, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	46	2
2	Greendale Rockets	Stu	30	2
3	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	0
6	Woking	Mike	24	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	19	1
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	18	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	2
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	17	0
16	Piedmonte	Phil	16	0
17	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	16	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	13	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	2	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Gervinho – ARS – STR
		Club	Greendale Rockets