Lokomotiv Leeds

Manager: Mr Ben Silver (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Leeds United

Foster, B WBA £4m
Skrtel, M LIV £18m
Samba, C BLR £9m
Simpson, D NEW £0.5m
Heitinga, J EVE £0.5m
Wilshere, J ARS £20m
Toure, Y MCY £16.5m
van der Vaart, R TOT £5m
Moses, V WIG £3m
Hernandez, J MUN £21m
Sturridge, D CHE £0.5m
    £98m
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Newington Reds

Manager: Mr Ben Dudley (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Kenny, P QPR £0.5m
Shawcross, R STO £9m
Ferdinand, R MUN £18m
Dawson, M TOT £10m
Toure, K MCY £2.5m
Downing, S LIV £16m
Albrighton, M AVL £13m
Nasri, S MCY £18m
Sinclair, S SWA £1.5m
Ba, D NEW £11m
Holt, G NOR £0.5m
    £100m
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Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Mr Alistair Drummond (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: League winners in 2005, league and cup double in 2010

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Schwarzer, M FUL £0.5m
Young, L QPR £10m
Shittu, D (B) QPR £0.5m
Hutton, A AVL £0.5m
Boyce, E WIG £0.5m
Sneijder, W INT £0.5m
Nzonzi, S BLR £0.5m
Kuyt, D LIV £20m
Gardner, C SUN £3m
Aguero, S MCY £40m
Ebanks-Blake, S WLV £2m
    £78m

Vasco De Beauvoir

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Young Boys of Kilburn

Manager: Mr Andrew Denney (WAL)

Since: 2006

Trohpy cabinet: league 2011

Sympathies: Spurs

Given, S AVL £8m
Kompany, V MCY £27m
Huth, R STO £12.5m
Cole, A CHE £28.5m
Rafael MUN £1m
O’Hara, J WLV £5m
Thomas, J WBA £0.5m
Cabaye, Y NEW £0.5m
Richardson, K SUN £0.5m
Gervinho ARS £12m
Campbell, DJ QPR £1.5m
    £97m
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Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Mr Abdi Ali (SOM)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Arsenal

Al Habsi, A WIG £6m
Hangeland, B FUL £14m
Distin, S EVE £8.5m
Smalling, C MUN £2.5m
Nelsen, R BLR £4m
Fabregas, C FCB £10m
Henderson, J LIV £6.5m
Jarvis, M WLV £10m
Bale, G TOT £23m
Tevez, C MCY £2m
Bothroyd, J QPR £7m
    £93.5
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Record attendance at pre-season auction

A record number of managers took part in last night’s Kenna auction.

A staggering eighteen turned up to pit their wits at fantasy football’s highest table.

With almost £2bn spent on players, some city analysts are linking the auction with today’s global market crisis.

The Kenna Chairman said: “Our seventh auction was by far the best attended in the league’s history, and I’d like to thank managers for making it such an enjoyable evening”

Early indications of which team will become favourites are unforthcoming, but Dynamo Charlton’s strike force of Gyan and Drogba is being tipped as a formidable one.

Bookies are already offering odds on Vasco De Beauvoir’s defence of Shittu, Hutton, Boyce and Luke Young being the most disappointing.

“Disappointing? This is an outrage!” said the Vasco manager. “My defenders all have international pedigree. Emerson Boyce is the lynchpin of the Barbados side and Alan Hutton’s the Scottish Cafu.”

The success of auction night was slightly marred by reports of the Chairman allegedly embezzling league funds.

“It was a chicken kebab and a taxi fare. I’ll pay it back,” he stormed.

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Auction tactics: which One are you?

Rubber suit
The auction: all the fun of dressing in a rubber suit

Approaching the auction night is like going to a fetish party for the first time. You prepare yourself beforehand with a mental checklist of exactly what you’d like to do, but the next day you wake up with a heavy feeling of remorse and eleven men to whom you wouldn’t normally give the time of day.

Managers have come up with many formulas for avoiding just this scenario over the years, with varying degrees of success. With the big night due tomorrow, here are some manager profiles you’re likely to spot:

The Shrewd One – outlay a fairly reasonable bit of cash on three or four solid players who’ll be certain to get points. Wait patiently for everyone else to blow their wad before scooping up proven creative talents from unfashionable teams unchallenged. Demands research.

The Blasé One – do no homework, warm up with a couple of beers, then turn on the war face and bid for every player going until snagged by the Titus Bramble ruling. Results can be haphazard and have never attained league or cup success.

The Frustrated One – be absolutely certain of targets pre-auction, but gradually miss out on more and more of them due to lack of funds after ill-advised, early-evening purchases. Become increasingly irked at lack of progress. Finish the night livid.

The Confused One – get a list of players to buy from a guy at the desk next to you earlier in the day and watch them disappear under the hammer while trying to work out what the hell’s going on. Repeatedly say to managers next to you ‘Is this guy any good?’ while mispronouncing foreign names.

The Tentative One – keep holding back the budget for those big signings, but get outbid each time when the price gets high. End the evening with a mid-table mentality that derails league campaign.

The Lucky One – pick a few good players who hit form for the season and sit back while you scoop the Kenna.

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The Friday Poll: Who’ll be the big money signing?

The Friday Pole
The Friday Pole

As managers choose their likely targets for the impending auction, who will be the players on everyone’s minds?

Last season Didier Drogba went for a Kenna record-breaking £47m. Seven other household names went for over £30m with varying results.

So who will attract the biggest price tag this time around?

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department have selected a likely bunch to choose from below.

If you think it’ll be someone other than this, take the option to add them in.

[polldaddy poll=5287103]

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The thorn in your side

Gary Mabbutt
"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"

The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.

Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.

The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.

This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.

The updated ruling – highlights

Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:

  • More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
  • A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.

Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).

Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.

Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.

The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12

Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.

If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.

Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.

Goalkeepers

1 John Ruddy Norwich
2 Jose Moreira Swansea City
3 Paddy Kenny QPR

Defenders

1 Titus Bramble Sunderland
2 Danny Shittu QPR
3 Zak Whitbread Norwich City
4 Angel Rangel Swansea City
5 Rafik Halliche Fulham
6 Christophe Berra Wolves
7 Stotirios Kyrgiakos Liverpool
8 Pablo Ibanez West Bromwich Albion

Midfielders

1 Shaun Wright-Phillips Manchester City
2 Josh McEachran Chelsea
3 Emmanuel Frimpong Arsenal
4 Christian Poulson Liverpool
5 Hendry Thomas Wigan Athletic
6 Darron Gibson Manchester United
7 Michael Tonge Stoke City
8 Dan Gosling Newcastle United

Strikers

1 Michael Owen Manchester United
2 Ji Dong-Won Sunderland
3 Emile Heskey Aston Villa
4 Conor Sammon Wigan Athletic
5 Magaye Gueye Everton
6 Sam Vokes Wolves
7 Roman Bednar West Bromwich Albion
8 Mamady Sidibie Stoke City

Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.

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The Friday Poll: Tevez or Fabregas?

The Friday Pole
Stanisław Zbyszko - The Friday Pole

The word ‘wantaway’ crops up every summer to the chagrin of the Kenna manager.

With the auction taking place three weeks before the end of the transfer window, there’s always a risk of blowing the budget on a ‘top, top, top, top‘ player for him to do one before the season has even begun.

In no time has the risk been higher than now, with captains Cesc Fabregas and Carlos Tevez both heavily tipped to either leave, be frozen out by their manager or fly to Luxembourg at half time

So with the potential for either player to stay in England and rack up a Kenna-winning points total, which player is more likely to go for the most money at auction?

[polldaddy poll=5255561]

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