Author: The chairman

As if the Kenna manager didn’t have enough to worry about what with all this violence and looting on the streets, there’s starting the season with gaps in the starting eleven.

Vasco De Beauvoir and FC Testiculadew are no closer to seeing Wesley Sniejder and Maicon move from the Alpine foothills, and the Pikey Scum manager will be a lot happier than his counterpart at Headless Chickens that ‘Chungy‘ will have trouble kicking a ball with his leg in plaster for the next nine months.

Bala Rinas could start with a gap in their midfield if Andrey Asharvin moves to big-spending Anzhi Makhachkala, and the Polonia Forsyth manager will be heartbroken if dart-and-tantrum throwing Mario Balotelli goes to Napoli.

There’s also an ironic blow for the Hairy Fadjeetas boss as midfielder Steven Pienaar was ruled out for six weeks with a groin injury.

Superfuzz will miss both Diaby and Higginbotham until September, while Lokomotiv Leeds will be without £21m Hernandez because of an acute brain condition, previously undetected by the club medical team, that threatens to derail his season.

In a press conference today at their Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager remained upbeat about his two signings Tevez and Fabregas staying at the club.

“There not be a soul in land ‘at’ll be lootin’ from I,” he said, while holding a terrified-looking reporter at cutlass point and making him turn out his pockets. “These so-called ‘looters’ need to be given a good keelhaulin’, an’ thar be no mistakin’ ‘at!”