SWEDISH doormen were made to earn their crust last night as the Chairman’s party descended on their capital city.
Despite their impeccable manners, the prospect of two Englishmen wearing faux football shirts and pub crawl faces was too much for Stockholm: the delegation was ejected from three establishments and refused entry to many more.
In one particularly farcical incident, the pair were asked to leave a premises after a random Finn drained his glass, smashed it on the floor and went out for a cigarette.
“Sweden has a very liberal reputation, but in this case it was ill deserved. We faced discrimination at its basest level and were forced to watch each of the five goals in different bars,” said the Chairman this morning, while fighting a bitter war of attrition with a headache.
It was points o’clock in the Olisadebe as seven different players found the net yesterday, including Horn of Africa’s Andy Carroll.
“Yarrrr! He be a fine purchase,” said the Somali manager.
NICHOLAS Bendtner will be glad his mum packed a spare pair of underwear after an ambush marketing stunt at yesterday’s Euro 2012 match in Lviv.
The Everybody Gdansk Now striker may have bagged a brace to send his team top of the Olisadebe, but tournament organisers have said pants to displaying Paddy Power branding during his goal celebration.
In this morning’s press conference the Everybody Gdansk Now manager said: “As far as I’m concerned Nicholas can advertise Irish bookies, Eastern European h00kers and Bolivian marching powder in the middle of his face if he keeps this up.
“It’s still early days, but I’m hoping the fans will be Gdansking in the streets if we manage to bring home the trophy.”
Bendtner’s second-choice smalls are unknown. Official Euro 2012 sponsors Canon are reported to be lining up a bid.
Cesc Fàbregas, Thomas Müller, Fabio Contrão, Franck Ribèry and Kim Källström were among others under awarded points.
“Weally weally enwaged by the scowing on the fwist table. Feel discwiminated against. This is diwe,” said the Bwing on the Euwos boss in a press conference as his players Mario Götze and Dįrk Kūŷt prepared to warm the bench in tonight’s titanic clash.
The individual top points scorer so far is Utoya Island XI’s Alan Dzagoev (18).
Going bananas: human rights groups claim the crop is as bad as that of opium in Afghanistan or cocoa in South America
AUTHORITIES have taken a drastic step against racism at Euro 2012, by closing down every green grocers within a 30-mile radius of host venues.
Polish and Ukrainian police forces made a coordinated swoop from the Baltic coast to the Black Sea in an attempt to remove the threat of bananas being thrown at black players during the tournament.
As part of the operation, thousands of fruit and veg venders were arrested on suspicion of inciting racial hatred.
With the spectre of racism hanging over the competition, European football’s governing body welcomed the move.
“It’s good to see authorities have eradicated the opportunity for these dealers of hate to profiteer from the tournament, especially when they haven’t given us a penny of corporate sponsorship,” read a UEFA statement.
Despite ensuring revenue for Euro 2012 organisers, the arrests have increased concerns that driving exotic fruit underground will create a black market.
A Polish green grocer who escaped the purge and wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals said: “I’m just doing the best for my family. Locally-grown apples and strawberries keep me above the poverty line but imported fruit like bananas turn a far superior profit.
“If 20 men with shaved heads come into my shop and buy enough bananas for me to send my children to university, what am I supposed to do?”
Ukrainian women’s rights group FEMEN, fierce critics of the anticipated boost to prostitution Euro 2012 will bring to the country, joined the debate by getting their melons out.
Make Party celebrate Olisadebe lead
Standings after matchday 1
TWO GOALS from Andriy Shevchenko saw Make Party take the initiative in the opening round of fixtures.
“People they talk we no have chance but I good motivate for team. I also do plumb,” said the Make Party manager.
Everybody Gdansk Now are a close second, not down to any particular individual performance but because they were the only team in which all 11 players picked up appearance points.
Testiculadewland, whose preparations for the tournament were mired in controversy, struggled to make an impact as goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny sent off in the opening match.
Points are taken from matches up to and including Greece v Czech Republic on 12 June 2012.
“Like Paul the Octopus in 2010, Barney the Psychic Owl is set to become one the prevailing features of the tournament. We’re very proud to be associated with him and any additional television revenue he brings,” said an Olisadebe spokesman at the launch.
Asked to interpret these signs at the launch event, organisers were evasive.
“Barney can not only call the results of football matches, but also pick winners at the track. The dark-haired fellow in Wood Green Weatherspoon’s who sold it to us was very explicit about that and also very convincing,” continued the spokesman, showing the nonplussed novelty runners in the 4.15 at Uttoxeter.
