Bala Rinas win league, Fadges win cup

TWO Kenna managers began their trophy collections on the weekend after a combined 21 seasons of trying.

Bala Rinas confirmed their league title having comfortably topped the table for 29 weeks, picking up the October, December, and March manager of the month awards on the way.

The Kenna treasurer’s big money auction signing Sir Marcus (£29m) was among the season’s top ten performers, and will be drinking for free in the pubs of Bala now local parents have a bit more money in their pockets.

Pikey Scum, the 2018 champions, put in a spirited performance but have been in no danger of catching Bala for weeks finishing second.

The Norris Bros make up the rest of the top four. With three relegations and a highest previous finish of ninth in eight seasons, Piss Poor excelled themselves to come third.

Coming into the season trophy-less since his league, cup, and Emerson World Cup treble in 2014, the tale of the fallen (Death) Star continues for the Dark Lord, who just lost out on the Covid Cup to Hairy Fadjeetas.

Fadges toiled in the league finishing in 14th, but the luck of the knockout cup draw saw them face the only two teams lower placed than them in the league – in the quarter finals (Lokomotiv Leeds, 16th) and semi finals (Craft Beer Wankers, 17th) – before a first proper test in the final.

‘I’m cock-a-hoop, but I’m never buying Donny van der Beek again,’ said the Fadges boss.

The top six places in the league were occupied by managers ‘on the phones’, who dialled into the September auction remotely.

The rule of six managers in ‘the garden’ finished in 7th, 9th, 10th, 12th, 13th, and 15th, boasting one manager of the month award between them.

‘Midtable,’ tweeted Opta Joe.

Attentions now turn to next Saturday’s Euros Super League auction, or at least the attentions of five managers, who are the only ones to confirm attendance.

Covid Cup final result

Hairy Fadjeetas 50 – 46 The Dark Lord

Kenna week 34

Kenna-24-May-2021-final-standings-and-MOTMs
Kenna League week 34 – 24 May 2021 – Final standings and MOTMs

Prize money

Bala Rinas – £180 (Champions: £150, MOTMx3: £30)

Hairy Fadjeetas – £75 (Cup winner)

Pikey Scum – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)

Piss Poor – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)

FC Testiculadew – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)

Test Team (Please Ignore) – £10 (MOTM)

Thieving Magpies – £10 (MOTM)

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Police hunt for Bala double hopes in Dark place

Excavation work is to begin at a cafe where police have been searching for the Bala Rinas’ double hopes.

The league treasurer‘s chance of winning the Kenna title and cup went missing last week and police have been searching the cellar of the the Dark Lord‘s premises.

Officers were called to FC Testicualdew on 7 May following suggestions a cup run may have been buried there.

There is enough evidence for excavation work to take place, police said.

Bala Rinas had hoped to win a maiden league and cup after 11 seasons in the Kenna League, but will have to settle for the title with an unassailable 98-point lead.

FC Testiculadew face long-time rivals Hairy Fadjeetas in this weekend’s Covid Cup final.

The Fadges manager has had a lacklustre season in the league but is hoping for his first piece of Kenna silverware.

The pinstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are massively favouring the Dark Lord, who despite not winning a trophy for seven years has two doubles to his name.

Covid Cup semi final results (from last week)

Bala Rinas 28 (54) – 31 (61) FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 26 (43) – 27 (35) Craft Beer Wankers

Final this weekend: Dark Lord v Fadges

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 32 – 11 May 2021

Kenna week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 33 – 18 May 2021
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Dark Lord threatens Bala double

BALA Rinas inexorably march on to a maiden Kenna title, but the Dark Lord threatens their double hopes.

FC Testiculadew come out of the Covid Cup semi final first leg with a four-point advantage over the league treasurer‘s eleven.

Deciphering how the Dark Lord’s team is playing so well proves difficult. Anthony Martial hasn’t made an appearance for five weeks and is set to miss at least another two.

Clean sheets from Eric Dier and Gabriel headline a workmanlike week from the FC Testiculadew side.

Bala put in a similar performance, in the Kenna equivalent of a no score draw. The only individuals of note Hugo Lloris and Joao Cancelo with seven points apiece.

Nevertheless, the treasurer will be very pleased with the 100-point cushion between him and 2018 champions Pikey Scum in the league.

He will also be delighted at having picked up Cancelo for £0.5m in the September auction, a terrific piece of pot-luck business every title-winning Kenna manager will appreciate.

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 30 FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 17 – 8 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 5 May 2021
Kenna week 31 – 5 May 2021
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‘Bramble Six’ breakaway league collapses

Bramble Super League proposals withdrawn after huge global backlash.

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THE football world exploded on Sunday evening when six clubs in the Kenna League announced they were forming a breakaway Bramble Super League.

The so-called ‘Bramble Six’ tried to create a midweek competition where tactical Brambling is acceptable, but unbridled global outrage forced them to shelve the plan.

The splinter group were led by the manager of FC Testiculadew, known in the Kenna as ‘the Tactical Brambler’ for his shocking exploitation of the auction forfeit process in 2012.

Upon announcing the BS League, the Tactical Brambler told media ‘legacy managers’ were holding back football with their traditional views of fair play.

Known habitual ‘Bramblers’ at Kenna auctions are among the other breakaway managers. They include:

Reaction to the BS League announcement was unequivocal.

UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said: ‘Gentelmen [sic], you made a huge mistake. There is time to change your mind.’

FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: ‘There is a lot to throw away for maybe a short-term financial gain for some. Either you are in or you are out.’

Alan Shearer said: ‘This league is plain simple and wrong [because it doesn’t include Newcastle].’

The Kenna chairman claimed the Bramble Six plans were simply a red herring, devised by the Tactical Brambler to gain concessions and be made guest organiser of of the Euro 2021 auction.

‘You think these people care about the fans? You think they care what you, or the media says about them?’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘They’ve all come out and apologised now, but they never wanted to create the BS League from the start. They want more power over the structures already in place, and they’re trying to flex their muscles to get it.’

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 27 (53) – 19 (31) Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 15 (37) – 27 (51) The Dark Lord
Fadges 8 (27) – 17 (21) Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 13 (36) – 27 (49) Craft Beer Wankers

Semi final fixtures (4 May first leg, 11 May second leg)

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 29

Kenna week 29 - 20 April 2021
Kenna week 29 – 20 April 2021
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Cock block

THE Suez Canal was blocked for several days by a draft Kenna update about rumours of James Rodriguez’s gender reassignment.

So inappropriate it could be seen from space, the post attempted to make ironic observations about society’s attitudes to diversity, but only led to huge delays in maritime shipping.

‘It was obvious there was nothing in the Rodriguez rumours and they were ripe for the kind of biting satire for which the Kenna has come to be known,’ began the chairman brightly.

‘We started a list of potential headlines, but at some point we wrote down ‘J Rod-less’ and we began to suspect our insightful metaphor could be taken out of context.

‘We’re football administrators but we’re not completely out-of-touch blazers. We know a fantasy league won twice in the past by a side called Sporting Lesbian is not in the best place to make wry comment on gender and sexual orientation,’ he said, as two men with an excavator made a futile attempt to dig the chairman out of the hole he’d created.

Pressure from international shipping concerns eventually led to the Kenna abandoning the draft post.

Maritime routes reopened and the Craft Beer Wankers manager returned from his snap visit to the Red Sea.

Kenna HQ is now left with nothing to include in the latest league and cup updates.

‘There’s not much happening at in the world at the moment,’ said the chairman.

‘After all it’s not like the Pikey Scum manager’s brother in law has been arrested for grand theft auto and possession, or Frank Lampard’s sex tape has been published online.’

Covid Cup – group stage results

Covid Cup - 19 March 2021
Covid Cup – 19 March 2021

Kenna League week 27

Kenna week 27 – 6 April 2021

Kenna League week 26

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26 - 23 March 2021
Kenna week 26 – 23 March 2021

Kenna League week 25

Kenna League week 25 - 19 March 2021
Kenna League week 25 – 19 March 2021
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Remains found in search for missing Kenna title defence

DYNAMO Charlton have given up hope of winning a second consecutive Kenna League title after police found remains in a Kent woodland.

Police chief Desdemona Johnson said it will take time for formal identification and added this was “every Kenna manager’s worst nightmare.”

The Dynamo manager reported his championship defence as missing last week, but many claim it was gone the moment he signed Sebastian Haller at the pre-season auction in September last year.

Dynamo dropped to 10th place in the league this week, but there is a glimmer of silverware as they sit second in the Covid Cup group A with a game to play.

However, their final group-stage tie is against Bala Rinas who presently sit 200 points above Dynamo at the top of the Kenna League table.

A man with a ginger beard has been arrested.

Covid Cup

Top two teams qualify

Covid Cup - 9 March 2021
Covid Cup – 9 March 2021

Kenna League week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 – 9 March 2021
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Sean Dyche’s Kenna lookalikes

KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.

The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.

The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.

‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.

‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.

‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’

Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.

‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.

Sportsmen
The Chairman – Jamie O’Hara
The Barry Town manager – Thomas Tuchel
The Walthamstow Reds manager – Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager – Gael Clichy

Politicians
The Piss Poor manager – Vladimir Putin

TV and radio
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager – Tony Livesey
The Bunch of Kuntz manager – Dale Winton
The Pikey Scum manager – ‘Dave Hedgehog’
The Dynamo Charlton manager – ‘Gareth Keenan’

Children’s characters
The Clotted Cream First manager – Bungle
The Thame Network Solutions manager – Badger
The Thieving Magpies manager – Skeletor
The Treasurer – Bitzer

Film
The Daggers’n’Redbridge manager – ‘Don Logan’
The Test Team (please ignore) manager – Stanley Tucci
The Dark Lord – ‘Hugo Drax’
The Craft Beer Wankers manager – ‘Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse’

Murderers
The Judean Peoples’ Front manager – Anders Breivik
The Vice Chairman – Vincent Tabak
The Cowley Casuals manager – Stuart Hazell

Covid Cup results and standings

Top two teams qualify.

Covid Cup 2 March 2021
Covid Cup 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 23

Kenna week 23 - 2 March 2021
Kenna week 23 – 2 March 2021

Kenna League week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 22 - 24 February 2021
Kenna week 22 – 24 February 2021
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Who needs enemies when you’ve got managers like these?

THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.

Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who is more than two years behind in payments, is reported to have sent the items to Kenna HQ after being humiliated before Christmas when he was snapped in the pub with fellow debtor the Dulwich Red Sox manager.

‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.

Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.

Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.

The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

Transfer window details announced

The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.

Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.

The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.

Eight loan players will also be made available for the window:

Trent A-A (42 points) – Bala Rinas, 1st in the league
Sebastian Haller (41) – Dynamo Charlton, 5th
Joelinton (35) – Bunch of Kuntz, 13th
Oliver McBurnie (28) – Thame Network Solutions, 6th
Luke Shaw (23) – Cowley Casuals, 8th
Fred (19) – Piss Poor, 3rd
Gareth Bale (10) – Judean Peoples’ Front, 20th
Thiago (5) – Lokomotiv Leeds, 17th

Auction non-attendees the vice chairman and the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager are yet to discover the identity of their loan players.

A live head-to-head challenge between the two managers just before the transfer window begins has been tabled. The winner will decide the loser’s loan player.

Dennis Praet (33 points, vice chairman) and Bobby De Cordova-Reid (44 points, Daggers) are front runners.

Covid Cup

This season’s cup competition will see four groups of five in a seeded draw at the window, with the top two teams from each advancing straight into a quarter-final knockout stage.

WeekScores publishedNotesTransfer windowCup
1612 January
1719 January
1826 JanuaryDouble GW
192 FebruaryFriday 5 FebruaryDraw
209 February
2116 FebruaryGroup fixture 1
2223 FebruaryGroup fixture 2
232 MarchGroup fixture 3
249 MarchGroup fixture 4
2516 MarchGroup fixture 5
2623 March
Internationals
276 April
2813 AprilQF first leg
2920 AprilQF second leg
3027 April
314 MaySF first leg
3211 MaySF second leg
3318 May15 May – FA Cup Final
3425 MayFinal

Kenna table week 15

Kenna week 15 - 6 January 2021
Kenna week 15 – 6 January 2021

Kenna table week 14

Kenna week 14 - 29 December 2020
Kenna week 14 – 29 December 2020

Kenna table week 13

Kenna week 13 - 22 December 2020
Kenna week 13 – 22 December 2020
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