Bala Rinas 2017/18

Lewis
Day release: The Bala Rinas manager

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name@jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts musicC.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The league treasurer ended a run of three podium finishes last season with 9th place and having not showed up to the auction a new pattern of disappointing mid-table form has been born – 50/1

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Elliot, R NEW  £1.50
Naughton, K SWA  £0.50
Shawcross, R STO  £0.50
Taylor, C BUR  £1.00
Suttner, M BTN  £0.50
Willian CHE  £3.50
Fellaini, M MUN  £0.50
Fernandinho MCY  £0.50
Austin, C SOT  £11.00
Ings, D LIV  £0.50
Kachunga, E HUD  £0.50
     £20.50

 

Share Button

Don’t Know Yet 2017/18

Ball profile pic
Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2016/17 – Did not enter

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Buying four players, dropping the mic and leaving the rest to autofill could guarantee a third straight relegation – 50/1

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Karius, L

LIV

£0.50

Otamendi, N

MCY

£0.50

Reid, W

WHM

£0.50

Dann, S

CRY

£0.50

Maguire, H

LEI

£0.50

Ozil, M

ARS

£20.00

Eriksen, C

TOT

£30.00

Pedro

CHE

£18.00

Mata, J

MUN

£18.00

Vokes, S

BUR

£6.00

Afobe, B

BOU

£0.50

£95.00

 

Share Button

Piss Poor 2017/18

John N profile pic
Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Tempered the incredible bargain of Alvaro Morata when the player became unexpectedly available by signing a Roma player. Piss poor transfer window attendance record – 100/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Lloris, H

TOT

£10.00

Valencia, A

MUN

£9.00

Bertrand, R

SOT

£4.00

Kolarov, A

ROM

£8.00

Ox-Chamberlain, A

LIV

£5.00

Ibe, J

BOU

£3.00

Snodgrass, R

WHM

£6.00

Barkley, R

EVE

£6.00

Morata, A

CHE

£6.00

Rondon, S

WBA

£9.00

Origi, D

LIV

£0.50

£66.50

Share Button

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2017/18

Denney
Don’t mention the war: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Manager attempts to bounce back from his disappointing title defence last season by signing three defensive midfield players and making Christian Benteke his second-most-expensive player – 35/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Fabianski, L

SWA

£0.50

Cahill, G

CHE

£17.00

Nyom, A

WBA

£0.50

Bailly, E

MUN

£5.00

Ndidi, W

LEI

£0.50

Ward-Prowse, J

SOT

£0.50

Gradel, M

BOU

£0.50

Dier, E

TOT

£0.50

Benteke, C

CRY

£29.00

Jesus, G

MCY

£31.00

Joselu

STO

£0.50

£85.50

Share Button

Walthamstow Reds 2017/18

Dudley profile pic
English food: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Now the only manager to enter all 13 seasons of the Kenna with an empty trophy cabinet, soon to become 14 – 30/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Butland, J

STO

£0.50

Keane, M

EVE

£4.00

Ake, N

BOU

£0.50

Fonte, J

WHM

£0.50

Silva, D

MCY

£24.00

Pogba, P

MUN

£23.00

Zaha, W

CRY

£16.00

Redmond, N

SOT

£6.00

Batshuayi, M

CHE

£5.00

Heung-Min, S

TOT

£19.00

Mounie, S

HUD

£0.50

£99.00

Share Button

Two Goals One Cup 2017/18

Spencer anon
Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Lost Peter Crouch on a Bramble, but still has plenty up front and solid at the rear, a bit like the Two Goals Bramble player, fnarr! fnarr! – 25/1

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Mignolet, S LIV  £5.00
Koscielny, L ARS  £7.00
Blind, D MUN  £5.00
Zabaleta, P WHM  £5.00
van Aanholt, P CRY  £0.50
Sterling, R MCY  £24.00
Fabregas, C  CHE  £10.00
Shaqiri, X STO  £0.50
Vardy, J LEI  £18.00
Rooney, W EVE  £18.00
Clancy, A BRM  £0.50
 £93.50
Share Button

Pikey Scum 2017/18

Jack
Solitary cup win: The Pikey Scum manager

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts musicI’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Oh dear, would you look at that midfield, and £8m on Bravo. There are some things even Harry Kane can’t do – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Bravo, C MCY  £ 8.00
Azpilicueta, C CHE  £18.00
Lovren, D LIV  £5.00
Monreal, N ARS  £5.00
Dunk, L BTN  £2.00
Townsend, A CRY  £3.00
Ayew, A WHM  £1.00
Shelvey, J NEW  £0.50
Albrighton, M LEI  £0.50
Rashford, M MUN  £15.00
Kane, H TOT  £40.00
     £98.00
Share Button

Sleptember XI 2017/18

Paul pic
Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Autumn Road

Training facility: The Schlepp

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 6th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Hart, J WHM £ 2.00
Alderweireld, T TOT £ 18.00
Rojo, M MUN £ 4.00
Malone, S HUD £ 0.50
Lallana, A LIV £ 11.00
Toure, Y MCY £ 0.50
Capoue, E WAT £ 0.50
Fletcher, D STO £ 2.00
Llorente, F SWA £ 14.00
Costa, D CHE £ 15.00
Collymore, S BRA £ 4.00
£ 71.50
Share Button

Lokomotiv Leeds 2017/18

Ben S profile pic
All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name@BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts musicBicycle Race – Queen

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Came to the Kenna with great fanfare but despite showing early promise has struggled to compete at this level for some time – 40/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Pickford, J EVE  £4.00
Bellerin, H ARS  £8.00
van Dijk, V SOT  £3.00
Smith, T HUD  £0.50
de Bruyne, K MCY  £32.00
Moses, V CHE  £4.00
Antonio, M WHM  £3.00
Dembele, M TOT  £1.00
Firmino, R LIV  £28.00
Martial, A MUN  £8.00
Deeney, T WAT  £2.00
     £93.50
Share Button

FC Testiculadew 2017/18

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Ramirez, S EVE  £15.00
Berahino, S STO  £3.00
     £97.00
Share Button