Managers – The Jeff Kenna League

Bala Rinas 2017/18

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The league treasurer ended a run of three podium finishes last season with 9th place and having not showed up to the auction a new pattern of disappointing mid-table form has been born – 50/1

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Elliot, R	NEW	£1.50
Naughton, K	SWA	£0.50
Shawcross, R	STO	£0.50
Taylor, C	BUR	£1.00
Suttner, M	BTN	£0.50
Willian	CHE	£3.50
Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.50
Fernandinho	MCY	£0.50
Austin, C	SOT	£11.00
Ings, D	LIV	£0.50
Kachunga, E	HUD	£0.50
		£20.50

Don’t Know Yet 2017/18

Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2016/17 – Did not enter

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Buying four players, dropping the mic and leaving the rest to autofill could guarantee a third straight relegation – 50/1

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Karius, L	LIV	£0.50
Otamendi, N	MCY	£0.50
Reid, W	WHM	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£0.50
Maguire, H	LEI	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£20.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£30.00
Pedro	CHE	£18.00
Mata, J	MUN	£18.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£6.00
Afobe, B	BOU	£0.50
		£95.00

Piss Poor 2017/18

Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Tempered the incredible bargain of Alvaro Morata when the player became unexpectedly available by signing a Roma player. Piss poor transfer window attendance record – 100/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£9.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Kolarov, A	ROM	£8.00
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Snodgrass, R	WHM	£6.00
Barkley, R	EVE	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Origi, D	LIV	£0.50
		£66.50

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2017/18

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Manager attempts to bounce back from his disappointing title defence last season by signing three defensive midfield players and making Christian Benteke his second-most-expensive player – 35/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Nyom, A	WBA	£0.50
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Ward-Prowse, J	SOT	£0.50
Gradel, M	BOU	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Benteke, C	CRY	£29.00
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Joselu	STO	£0.50
		£85.50

Walthamstow Reds 2017/18

English food: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Now the only manager to enter all 13 seasons of the Kenna with an empty trophy cabinet, soon to become 14 – 30/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Fonte, J	WHM	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Batshuayi, M	CHE	£5.00
Heung-Min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£99.00

Two Goals One Cup 2017/18

Spencer anon — Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Lost Peter Crouch on a Bramble, but still has plenty up front and solid at the rear, a bit like the Two Goals Bramble player, fnarr! fnarr! – 25/1

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Mignolet, S	LIV	£5.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£10.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Clancy, A	BRM	£0.50
		£93.50

Pikey Scum 2017/18

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Oh dear, would you look at that midfield, and £8m on Bravo. There are some things even Harry Kane can’t do – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Bravo, C	MCY	£ 8.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Lovren, D	LIV	£5.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£1.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£98.00

Sleptember XI 2017/18

Paul pic — Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Autumn Road

Training facility: The Schlepp

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 6th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Hart, J	WHM	£ 2.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£ 18.00
Rojo, M	MUN	£ 4.00
Malone, S	HUD	£ 0.50
Lallana, A	LIV	£ 11.00
Toure, Y	MCY	£ 0.50
Capoue, E	WAT	£ 0.50
Fletcher, D	STO	£ 2.00
Llorente, F	SWA	£ 14.00
Costa, D	CHE	£ 15.00
Collymore, S	BRA	£ 4.00
		£ 71.50

Lokomotiv Leeds 2017/18

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Came to the Kenna with great fanfare but despite showing early promise has struggled to compete at this level for some time – 40/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Pickford, J	EVE	£4.00
Bellerin, H	ARS	£8.00
van Dijk, V	SOT	£3.00
Smith, T	HUD	£0.50
de Bruyne, K	MCY	£32.00
Moses, V	CHE	£4.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£3.00
Dembele, M	TOT	£1.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£28.00
Martial, A	MUN	£8.00
Deeney, T	WAT	£2.00
		£93.50

FC Testiculadew 2017/18

‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P	ARS	£ 7.00
Matip, J	LIV	£3.00
Fuchs, C	LEI	£0.50
Rose, D	TOT	£0.50
Tadic, D	SOT	£9.00
Arnautovic, M	WHM	£8.00
Chadli, N	WBA	£4.00
Gundogan, I	MCY	£6.00
Lukaku, R	MUN	£41.00
Ramirez, S	EVE	£15.00
Berahino, S	STO	£3.00
		£97.00

Auction XI (4-3-3) Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Auction XI (4-4-2) Remaining budget: £5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £33.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £14.5M

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £1m

Auction XI (4-3-3) Remaining budget: £6.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £2m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £28.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £6.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £3m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m