FC Testiculadew 2017/18

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Ramirez, S EVE  £15.00
Berahino, S STO  £3.00
     £97.00
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FC Testiculadew 2016/17

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.137 – 1st
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Starting XI – August auction

Heaton, T BUR  £                   0.50
Cathcart, C (TW1) WAT  £                   5.00
Walker, K TOT  £                10.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £                  6.00
Silva, D MCY  £                14.00
Stuart Hall (TW1) HMP Kenna  £                12.50
Iwobi, A ARS  £                  2.00
Hojbjerg, P (TW1) SOT  £                   0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £                  2.00
Hernandez, A HUL  £                   3.00
Ibrahimovic, Z MUN  £                31.00
     £                86.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (3rd)

In
Adam Smith – Bournemouth defender – £5m
Sofiane Boufal – Southampton defender – £0.5m
Etienne Capoue – Watford midfielder – £9m

Out
Craig Cathcart – Watford defender – free
Stuart Hall – HMP Kenna midfielder – free
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg – Southampton midfielder – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £9m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (2nd)

In
Calum Chambers – Boro defender – £2m
Gini Wijnaldum – Liverpool midfielder – £16m (the ISIL manager had lost him under the Titus Bramble ruling)

Out
Sofiane Boufal – Southampton defender – free
Abel Hernandez – Hull striker – free

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £1m

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FC TesticuladewLand

Manager: James N

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: 2014 Emerson World Cup champions

Formation: 3-4-3

Neuer, M GER £16m
Cahill, G ENG £5m
Corluka, V CRO £0.5m
Piszczek, L POL £0.5m
Turan, A TUR £8m
Alcantara, T ESP £13m
Dzsudzsak, B HUN £0.5m
Kucka, J SVK £0.5m
Lukaku, R BEL £25m
Yarmolenko, A UKR £5m
Griezmann, A FRA £19m
£93m
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FC Testiculadew 2015/16

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.137 – 1st
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence (on 28 September): An uncharacteristically underwhelming side from the Dark Lord of the Kenna, who would appear to have his hands full with Aleksander Mitrovic’s anger management issues.

Courtois, T (TW1) CHE £0.5m
Otamendi, N (TW2) MCY £?m
Morgan, W (TW2) LEI £?m
Sakho, M LIV £0.5m
Ogbonna, A WHM £4m
Walcott, T ARS £19m
Tadic, D SOT £7m
Cabaye, Y CRY £17m
Deulofeu, G (TW2) EVE £?m
Naismith, S (TW2) NOR £?m
Krkic, B (TW1) STO £2m
£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In 
Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Walthamstow Reds)
Krkic, B – Stoke striker – £2m (from Walthamstow Reds)

Out
Romero, S – Manchester United goalkeeper – free
Fletcher, S – Sunderland striker – free

Remaining budget: £11.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Otamendi, N – Manchester City defender – £?m
Morgan, W – Leicester defender – £?m
Deulofeu, G – Everton midfielder – £?m
Naismith, S – Norwich striker – £?m

Out
Clichy, G – Manchester City defender – free
Coleman, S – Everton defender – free
Sinclair, S – Aston Villa midfielder – free
Mitrovic, A – Newcastle striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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FC Testiculadew 2014/15

James N
Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Winner

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence: Retreating ever further from public life into the shadows of tactical Bramblerdom, the defending double championEmerson World Cup victor and all-round ‘Dark Overlord’ of the Kenna still made his eerie presence felt at the auction in the form of half of case of champagne, and retains the budget to command bidding for Radamel Falcao at the transfer window.

Thacker, J (TW2) (Bramble) ROT £0.50
Blind, D (TW1) MUN £5.00
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Reid, W WHM £0.50
Dann, S CRY £0.50
Fernandinho MCY £0.50
Larsson, S (TW1) SUN £7.00
Cuadrado, J (TW2) CHE £9.00
Ramirez, G (TW2) HUL £0.50
Berahino, S (TW1) WBA £10.00
Benteke, C (TW1) AVL £0.50
    £34.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Blind, D – defender, MUN – £5m
Larsson, S – midfielder, SUN – £7m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0.5m
Berahino, S – striker, WBA – £10m
Benteke, C – striker, AVL – £0.5m

Out
Agger – defender, LIV – £0m
Fellaini – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Wanyama – midfielder, SOT – £0m
Torres – striker, MIL – £0m
Podolski – striker, ARS – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Former Rotherham Counsellor Joyce Thacker – goalkeeper, ROT – £0.5m
Cuadrado, J – midfielder, CHE – £9m
Ramirez, G – midfielder, HUL – £0.5m

Out
McGregor, A – goalkeeper, HUL – £0m
Barry, G – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

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Testiculadew Land

Manager: James N

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Courtois, T – BEL – GK  £12.00 
Torosidis, V – GRE – DEF  £0.50 
Spahic, E – BIH – DEF  £0.50 
Blind, D – NED – DEF  £0.50 
Schar, F – SUI – DEF  £0.50 
Kroos, T – GER – MID  £0.50 
Dzagoev, A – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Barkley, R – ENG – MID  £0.50 
Honda, K – JAP – MID  £0.50 
Messi, L – ARG – STR  £50.00 
Balotelli, M – ITA – STR  £17.00 
 £83.00 
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FC Testiculadew 2013/14

James N
Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 2nd

Trophy cabinet: 2011/12 league and cup double

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Imperial March – Star Wars 

Outlook (on 16 September 2013): Forty floors below the club’s Itchysack Park training facility, the FC Testiculadew manager mused behind his heavy oak desk. He had won the league and cup double on his first attempt. He’d broken records that year and shown up the rest of them to be the footballing simpletons they were, groping around in dark while his team had run away with the championship. He had created the master stroke of tactical Brambling, buying ineligible players to wilfully accept a forfeit and give himself an advantage by freeing up funds late on in the auction. It was an act everyone else found atrocious. Why? There was no cheating in the world, only winning, no matter what ridiculous code of honour those bungling fools at Kenna HQ tried to uphold. Chivalry doesn’t equal success, cunning equals success and success equals power, and power, true power, was everything.

In May the unthinkable happened: he’d finished second. This was definitely not part of the plan. FCT would have to win this season, and with Benteke and Dzeko on form his team had made a good start. The half a million paid for Juan Mata didn’t quite seem like the bargain it was a month ago, but the rest of the midfield showed promise. He was reasonably satisfied with the defence too, although Debussy’s performances were a worry. The truth was every player was expendable in the hunt for a second title. Very soon they would understand that.

He pulled a tasselled chord next to the desk. There was no sound for a few moments until the door creaked open and an elderly butler entered. “Have they assembled in the sacrificial chamber?” said the manager. The subordinate nodded in assent. “Good, tell them I’ll be there directly.”

The butler left the room. The FCT manager robed himself in a ceremonial cloak and pulled on the hood. It was time.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzntZLHcYy0&w=420&h=315]

Lloris, H TOT £0.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £5m
Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
Sakho, M LIV £7m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m
Mirallas, K EVE £13m
Mata, J MUN £0.5m
Shelvey, J SWA £0.5m
Ozil, M ARS £13m
Benteke, C AVL £38m
Dzeko, E MCY £19m
£108m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £22,5m, remaining budget: £4.5m, net loss: £18m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Olsson, M NOR Free DEF Olsson, M NOR £0.5m
DEF Koscielny, L ARS £2.5m DEF Sakho, M LIV £7m
MID Taarabt, A FUL Free MID Ozil, M ARS £13m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
DEF Rafael MUN £11m DEF Azpilicueta, C CHE £11m
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FC Testiculadew

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Champions

Trophy cabinet: League and cup double (last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Big Balls – ACDC

Outlook: Ever the pantomime villain after his indiscretions ahead of the Olisadebe Euro 2012, a ripple of boos accompanied the FCT manager’s late arrival to last week’s auction. Unperturbed he went on to assemble a capable side, but how long will fans’ patience last if he fails to defend the title without a big-money signing?

No Brambles

Ruddy, J NOR £1.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Luiz, D CHE £3m
Evans, J MUN £7.5m
Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £21m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Remy, L QPR £35m
Berbatov, D FUL £37m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Simpson, D NEW £6.5m Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Vertonghen, J TOT £13m Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Bannan, B AVL £0.5m Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Crouch, P STO £2m Remy, L QPR £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Vidic, N MUN £13m Evans, J MUN £7m
Sinclair, S SWA £11m Bannan, B AVL £0.5m
Frei, K FUL £5.5m Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £11m Berbatov, D FUL £37m
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FC Testiculadew (second window)

FC Testiculadew made no transfers in the second window

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m
£96.5m
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FC Testiculadew (first window)

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m
£96.5m
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