FC Testiculadew 2020/21

AlissonLIV £                     0.50
Lucas DigneEVE £                     7.00
Eric DierTOT £                     5.00
Timothy CastagneLEI £                     7.00
GabrielARS £                     0.50
Matheus PereiraWBA £                    8.00
Hakim ZiyechCHE £                  10.00
Wilfried ZahaCRY £                  16.00
Dwight McNeilBUR £                     0.50
Anthony MartialMUN £                  25.00
Gabriel JesusMCI £                  14.00
   £                  93.50
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FC Testiculadew 2019/20

AlissonLIV £                  15.00
Cancelo, JMCY £                     0.50
Williams, BMUN £                     0.50
van Aanholt, PCRY £                     5.00
Lascelles, JNEW £                     0.50
Barnes, HLEI £                     0.50
RicharlisonEVE £                  23.00
Hudson-Odoi, CCHE £                     3.00
Bergwijn, STOT £                     0.50
Martinelli, GARS £                     0.50
Pukki, TNOR £                    2.00
   £                 60.00
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FC Testiculadew 2018/19

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd
2017/18 – 14th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £15.5m
Spend: £8m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £7.5m

Arrizabalaga, K CHE  £14.00
Otto, J (TW1) WLV £8.00
Mina, Y EVE  £0.50
Zabaleta, P WHM  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £4.00
Meyer, M CRY  £0.50
Ozil, M ARS  £21.00
Elyounoussi, M SOT  £0.50
Gundogan, I MCY  £3.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Iheanacho, K LEI  £6.50
 £98.50

Auction XI

Arrizabalaga, K CHE  £14.00
Clyne, N LIV £3.00
Mina, Y EVE  £0.50
Zabaleta, P WHM  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £4.00
Meyer, M CRY  £0.50
Ozil, M ARS  £21.00
Elyounoussi, M SOT  £0.50
Gundogan, I MCY  £3.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Iheanacho, K LEI  £6.50
 £94.50
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FC Testiculadewland

Pickford, J ENG  £                     5.00
Rojo, M ARG  £                     0.50
Meunier, T BEL  £                     0.50
Kolarov, A SRB  £                     0.50
Reus, M GER  £                    8.00
Willian BRA  £                     5.00
Lemar, T FRA  £                    9.00
Dzagoev, A RUS  £                     3.00
Ronaldo, C POR  £                  41.00
Lewandowski, R POL  £                  23.00
Costa, D ESP  £                     0.50
 £                 96.00
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FC Testiculadew 2017/18

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £4m

Cech, P ARS £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI £0.50
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Coleman, S EVE £0.50
Tadic, D SOT £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM £8.00
Gundogan, I MCY £6.00
Barkley, R (TW2 – from Piss Poor) CHE £0.50
Lukaku, R MUN £41.00
Benteke, C (TW2) CRY  £18.00
 £94m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £12.5m

Player sales: Sandro Ramirez to Judean Peoples’ Front for £0.5m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Coleman, S EVE  £0.50
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Batshuayi, M CHE  £0.50
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
     £80m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Ramirez, S EVE  £15.00
Berahino, S STO  £3.00
     £97.00
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FC Testiculadew 2016/17

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.137 – 1st
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Starting XI – August auction

Heaton, T BUR  £                   0.50
Cathcart, C (TW1) WAT  £                   5.00
Walker, K TOT  £                10.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £                  6.00
Silva, D MCY  £                14.00
Stuart Hall (TW1) HMP Kenna  £                12.50
Iwobi, A ARS  £                  2.00
Hojbjerg, P (TW1) SOT  £                   0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £                  2.00
Hernandez, A HUL  £                   3.00
Ibrahimovic, Z MUN  £                31.00
     £                86.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (3rd)

In
Adam Smith – Bournemouth defender – £5m
Sofiane Boufal – Southampton defender – £0.5m
Etienne Capoue – Watford midfielder – £9m

Out
Craig Cathcart – Watford defender – free
Stuart Hall – HMP Kenna midfielder – free
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg – Southampton midfielder – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £9m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (2nd)

In
Calum Chambers – Boro defender – £2m
Gini Wijnaldum – Liverpool midfielder – £16m (the ISIL manager had lost him under the Titus Bramble ruling)

Out
Sofiane Boufal – Southampton defender – free
Abel Hernandez – Hull striker – free

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £1m

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FC TesticuladewLand

Manager: James N

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: 2014 Emerson World Cup champions

Formation: 3-4-3

Neuer, M GER £16m
Cahill, G ENG £5m
Corluka, V CRO £0.5m
Piszczek, L POL £0.5m
Turan, A TUR £8m
Alcantara, T ESP £13m
Dzsudzsak, B HUN £0.5m
Kucka, J SVK £0.5m
Lukaku, R BEL £25m
Yarmolenko, A UKR £5m
Griezmann, A FRA £19m
£93m
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FC Testiculadew 2015/16

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.137 – 1st
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence (on 28 September): An uncharacteristically underwhelming side from the Dark Lord of the Kenna, who would appear to have his hands full with Aleksander Mitrovic’s anger management issues.

Courtois, T (TW1) CHE £0.5m
Otamendi, N (TW2) MCY £?m
Morgan, W (TW2) LEI £?m
Sakho, M LIV £0.5m
Ogbonna, A WHM £4m
Walcott, T ARS £19m
Tadic, D SOT £7m
Cabaye, Y CRY £17m
Deulofeu, G (TW2) EVE £?m
Naismith, S (TW2) NOR £?m
Krkic, B (TW1) STO £2m
£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In 
Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Walthamstow Reds)
Krkic, B – Stoke striker – £2m (from Walthamstow Reds)

Out
Romero, S – Manchester United goalkeeper – free
Fletcher, S – Sunderland striker – free

Remaining budget: £11.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Otamendi, N – Manchester City defender – £?m
Morgan, W – Leicester defender – £?m
Deulofeu, G – Everton midfielder – £?m
Naismith, S – Norwich striker – £?m

Out
Clichy, G – Manchester City defender – free
Coleman, S – Everton defender – free
Sinclair, S – Aston Villa midfielder – free
Mitrovic, A – Newcastle striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

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FC Testiculadew 2014/15

James N
Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Winner

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence: Retreating ever further from public life into the shadows of tactical Bramblerdom, the defending double championEmerson World Cup victor and all-round ‘Dark Overlord’ of the Kenna still made his eerie presence felt at the auction in the form of half of case of champagne, and retains the budget to command bidding for Radamel Falcao at the transfer window.

Thacker, J (TW2) (Bramble) ROT £0.50
Blind, D (TW1) MUN £5.00
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Reid, W WHM £0.50
Dann, S CRY £0.50
Fernandinho MCY £0.50
Larsson, S (TW1) SUN £7.00
Cuadrado, J (TW2) CHE £9.00
Ramirez, G (TW2) HUL £0.50
Berahino, S (TW1) WBA £10.00
Benteke, C (TW1) AVL £0.50
    £34.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Blind, D – defender, MUN – £5m
Larsson, S – midfielder, SUN – £7m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0.5m
Berahino, S – striker, WBA – £10m
Benteke, C – striker, AVL – £0.5m

Out
Agger – defender, LIV – £0m
Fellaini – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Wanyama – midfielder, SOT – £0m
Torres – striker, MIL – £0m
Podolski – striker, ARS – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Former Rotherham Counsellor Joyce Thacker – goalkeeper, ROT – £0.5m
Cuadrado, J – midfielder, CHE – £9m
Ramirez, G – midfielder, HUL – £0.5m

Out
McGregor, A – goalkeeper, HUL – £0m
Barry, G – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

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Testiculadew Land

Manager: James N

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Courtois, T – BEL – GK  £12.00 
Torosidis, V – GRE – DEF  £0.50 
Spahic, E – BIH – DEF  £0.50 
Blind, D – NED – DEF  £0.50 
Schar, F – SUI – DEF  £0.50 
Kroos, T – GER – MID  £0.50 
Dzagoev, A – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Barkley, R – ENG – MID  £0.50 
Honda, K – JAP – MID  £0.50 
Messi, L – ARG – STR  £50.00 
Balotelli, M – ITA – STR  £17.00 
 £83.00 
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