Piss Poor 2017/18

John N profile pic
Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Tempered the incredible bargain of Alvaro Morata when the player became unexpectedly available by signing a Roma player. Piss poor transfer window attendance record – 100/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Lloris, H

TOT

£10.00

Valencia, A

MUN

£9.00

Bertrand, R

SOT

£4.00

Kolarov, A

ROM

£8.00

Ox-Chamberlain, A

LIV

£5.00

Ibe, J

BOU

£3.00

Snodgrass, R

WHM

£6.00

Barkley, R

EVE

£6.00

Morata, A

CHE

£6.00

Rondon, S

WBA

£9.00

Origi, D

LIV

£0.50

£66.50

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Piss Poor 2016/17

John N profile pic
Sucking it in: The Piss Poor manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.641 – 20th
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

Starting XI – August auction

Stekelenburg, M EVE £5.00
Sagna, B MCY £5.00
Cresswell, A WHM £3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT £10.00
Johnson, A (TW2) HMP Kenna £21.00
Mane, S LIV £22.00
Zaha, W CRY £8.00
Ibe, J BOU £6.00
Januzaj, A SUN £4.00
Berahino, S WBA £9.00
Welbeck, D ARS £0.50
£93.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (16th)

No changes.

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (20th)

In
Scott Arfield – Burnley midfielder – £0.5m

Out
Adam Johnson – HMP Kenna midfielder – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £6m

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Headless Chickens 2015/16

John N profile pic
Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.641 – 20th
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 September): When a manager Brambles himself with two Read Madrid players, what further punishment can Kenna HQ mete out?

Lloris, H TOT £8m
Kompany, V MCY £14m
Janmaat, D NEW £6m
Williams, A SWA £7m
Ramos, S RMA £0.5m
Schneiderlin, M MUN £4m
Lallana, A LIV £0.5m
Cleverley, T EVE £0.5m
Adam, C STO £0.5m
Costa, D CHE £50m
Jerome, C (TW1) NOR £0.5m
£91.5m

First transfer window – Friday 2 September 2015

In
Jerome, C – Norwich striker – £0.5m

Out
Ronaldo, C – Real Madrid striker – free

Remaining budget: £13m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £13m

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Headless Chickens 2014/15

John N profile pic
Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicEveryday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Season preview in one sentence: Led the Kenna for a period of last season before falling into mid-table obscurity, and appears to have assembled a side capable of doing the same again.

Courtois, T CHE  £4.00 
Kompany, V MCY  £13.00 
Rangel, A SWA  £1.00 
Schlupp, J (TW1) LEI  £5.00 
Shaw, L MUN  £13.00 
Cazorla, S ARS  £15.00 
Gouffran, Y NEW  £3.00 
Huddlestone, T HUL  £5.00 
Lallana, A LIV  £18.00 
Adebayor, E TOT  £10.00 
Rodriguez, J SOT  £0.50 
 £87.00m 

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In 
Schlupp, J – defender, LEI – £5m

Out
Ward, J – defender, CRY – £0m

Remaining budget – £14.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £19.5m

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Headless Chickens

Manager: John N

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Muslera, F – URU – GK  £4.00 
Srna, D – CRO – DEF  £3.00 
Toure, K – CIV – DEF  £3.00 
Zapata, C – COL – DEF  £0.50 
Debuchy, M – FRA – DEF  £4.00 
Silva, D – ESP – MID  £12.00 
Fellaini, M – BEL – MID  £1.00 
Lallana, A – ENG – MID  £9.00 
Candreva, A – ITA – MID  £1.00 
Podolski, L – GER – STR  £9.00 
Ronaldo, C – POR – STR  £43.00 
   £89.50 
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Headless Chickens 2013/14

John N profile pic
Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 11th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Everyday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Outlook (on 24 August 2013): Detractors would say he’s never won any silverware, not even a Manager of the Month award. Apologists would argue he’s never been relegated or even got a Turkey of the Month award. Everyone would agree the Kenna career of the Headless Chickens manager has been one of absolute mediocrity, and the stats back this up.

In his third attempt to win, well, anything, the Chickens boss picked up one of the bargains of the auction in Yaya Touré for half a million. Fortunate, since the rest of the midfield look unable to score points at this level – Schneiderlin plays in the holding role, Gardner plays in defence and Sigurdsson rarely plays at all.

Further uncertainty hangs over the front pair. Will Michu continue to enjoy the rich vein of form that saw him score 19 goals last season? Will Craig Bellamy take a five iron to his team mates?

At the back things look more solid, and not just because they have an extra right back in Gardner. Cole, Baines, McAuley and Bassong are likely to start almost every game this season. The Szczesny circus act looks set to continue.

Perhaps where the Chickens manager needs to be most careful is the transfer window. Last October he jettisoned a performing Theo Walcott in favour of Raheem Sterling. Walcott ended the season as one of the top midfielders with 179 points. Sterling scored a below-par 68.

He may as well have used Bellamy’s golf clubs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw&w=420&h=315]

Szczesny, W ARS £7m
Baines, L EVE £17m
McAuley, G WBA £6.5m
Bassong, S NOR £6.5m
Cole, A CHE £11m
Gardner, C SUN £6.5m
Sigurdsson, G TOT £5.5m
Schneiderlin, M SOT £4.5m
Toure, Y MCY £0.5m
Michu SWA £27m
Mitroglou, K FUL £12.5m
£104.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £3m, net loss: £8m

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
STR Bellamy, C CAR Free STR Cisse, P NEW £8m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Value
STR Cisse, P NEW Free STR Mitroglou, K FUL £12.5m
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Headless Chickens

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 11th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: The Chicken Dance

Outlook: Beyond Cech, Kompany and Walcott, the Chickens boss doesn’t look like having the tools to better last season. Marquee signing Clint Dempsey is ‘unsettled’ and looking to swap his role as a big fish in a little pond for minnow in the sea of Liverpool midfielders. Caroll and Cole up front are fully expected to warrant their price tag.

Cech, P CHE £19m
Kompany, V MCY £18m
Heitinga, J EVE £0.5m
Brown, W (B) SUN £5m
O’Brien, J WHM £2.5m
Sterling, R LIV £22m
Dempsey, C FUL £21m
Routledge, W SWA £1m
Pilkington, A NOR £3.5m
Hernandez, J MUN £15m
Crouch, P STO £6.5m
 Total £114m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Santos, A ARS £0.5m Brown, W (B) SUN £5m
Bardsley, P SUN £2.5m O’Brien, J WHM £2.5m
Carroll, A WHM £1m Hernandez, J MUN £15m
Petric, M FUL £12m Crouch, P STO £6.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Jones, P MUN £9.5m Heitinga, J EVE £0.5m
Dawson, M QPR £6m Santos, A ARS £0.5m
Walcott, T ARS £17m Sterling, R LIV £22m
Cole, C  WHM £1.5m Petric, M FUL £12m
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Headless Chickens (second window)

Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Mignolet, S SUN £6m
Huth, R STO £1m
Williams, A SWA £9m
Clichy, G MCY £8.5m
Johnson, R WLV £4.5m
Adam, C LIV £10m
Pedersen, M BLR £9m
Walcott, T ARS £17m
Parker, S TOT £6.5m
Pogrebnyak, P FUL £15m
Morison, S NOR £11m
£97.5m
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Headless Chickens (first window)

Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Mignolet, S SUN £6m
Huth, R STO £1m
Baird, C FUL £6m
Clichy, G MCY £8.5m
Johnson, R WLV £4.5m
Adam, C LIV £10m
Pedersen, M BLR £9m
Walcott, T ARS £17m
Parker, S TOT £6.5m
Long, S WBA £14m
Best, L NEW £16m
£98.5m
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Headless Chickens

Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Mignolet, S SUN £6m
Enrique, J LIV £7.5m
Baird, C FUL £6m
Clichy, G MCY £8.5m
Johnson, R WLV £4.5m
Adam, C LIV £10m
Pedersen, M BLR £9m
Walcott, T ARS £17m
Chung-yong, Lee BOL £3m
Berbatov, D MUN £5m
Kalou, S CHE £0.5m
    £77m
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