Sporting Lesbian 2017/18

Ben M profile
Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name@BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Home ground: Todger Dodger Street

Training facility: The Dyke

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13 and 2014/15

Kenna Index rating TBC
2012/13 – 1st
2013/14 – 8th
2014/15 – 1st
2015/16 – missed auction due to washing machine delivery
2016/17 – 8th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicLesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

What the chalkstripes are saying in Kenna HQ speculations department: Form has the Sporting manager finishing either champions or eighth. With Bill Cosby in midfield he’s probably looking at the latter again.

Auction XI (5-4-1)
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Begovic, A BOU  £1.00
Walker, K MCY  £8.00
Soares, C SOT  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £0.50
Kaboul, Y WAT  £0.50
Dawson, C WBA  £2.00
Mkhitaryan, H MUN  £18.00
Salah, M LIV  £32.00
Cosby, B BRM  £0.50
Lamela, E TOT  £0.50
Lacazette, A ARS  £35.00
     £98.50
Share Button

Dynamo Charlton 2017/18

Alex
Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Form
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th
2015/16 – 4th
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Once again the thriftiest manager in the league, but when did financial fair play ever win anything? – 33/1

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £36.5m

Foster, B WBA  £9.00
Milner, J LIV  £ 7.00
Zouma, K STO  £ 3.00
Kolasinac, S ARS  £ 3.00
Herrera, A MUN  £0.50
Lanzini, M WHM  £7.00
Atsu, C NEW  £2.00
Brady, R BUR  £0.50
Mooy, A HUD  £0.50
Iheanahco, K LEI  £25
Nolito MCY  £0.50
     £63.50
Share Button

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 2017/18

Abdi
Scourge of the high seas: The ISIL manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Form
2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)
2015/16 – 16th
2016/17 – 5th

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Even if the Pirate could keep Alvaro Morata from the auction and retain Alexis Sanchez beyond the next transfer window, the smart money has him throwing it away all over again – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £16.5m

Courtois, T CHE  £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £9.00
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00
Britos, M WAT  £0.50
Robertson, A LIV  £0.50
Sane, L MCY  £21.00
Ince, T HUD  £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE  £0.50
Dr Cliff Huxtable BRM  £7.50
Murray, G BTN  £0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £32.00
     £83.50
Share Button

Burqini Pool Party 2017/18

Aiden
Wheeler dealer: The Burqini Pool Party manager
Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Koran Koran

Training facility: Deep End

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2011/12 – 15th
2012/13 – 9th
2013/14 – 13th
2014/15 – 10th
2015/16 – 17th (relegated)
2017/18 – 3rd

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Inner Circle – Sweat

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: A solid team built around a light midfield but historically a mid-table finish likely – 25/1

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Forster, F SOT  £4.00
Trippier, K TOT  £15.00
Alonso, M CHE  £16.00
Mendy, B MCY  £6.00
Klaassen, D EVE  £11.00
Walcott, T ARS  £10.00
Loftus-Cheek, R CRY  £2.00
Wijnaldum, G LIV  £2.00
Ritchie, M NEW  £11.00
King, J BOU  £12.00
Rodriguez, J WBA  £0.50
     £89.50
Share Button

Cowley Casuals 2017/18

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2015

Form
2012/13 – 17th
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – 2nd
2015/16 – 12th
2016/17 – 7th

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: His befuddled behavior had many wondering if the Cowley boss went for a drink with Bill Cosby before the auction, yet his woozy approach has thrown up some astute signings – 20/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Schmeichel, K LEI  £0.50
Lindelhof, V MUN  £8.00
Stones, J MCY  £0.50
Mustafi, S ARS  £3.00
Mane, S LIV  £29.00
Phillips, M WBA  £2.00
van La Parra, R HUD  £0.50
March, S BTN  £0.50
Hernandez, J WHM  £24.00
Gabbiadini, M SOT  £16.00
Gayle, D NEW  £0.50
     £84.50
Share Button

No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta 2017/18

Carles
Showman: The No Fiesta Without Iniesta manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Form
2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th
2015/16 – 17th
2016/17 – 22nd (last)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Catalan tries to break his four-year slump with star signings in midfield and a shiny new goalkeeper, but looks light up top and has poor transfer window attendance record – 30/1

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £13.5m

Moraes, E MCY  £ 4.00
Davies, B TOT  £4.00
Holebas, J WAT  £3.00
Daniels, C BOU  £2.00
Coleman, S EVE  £ 0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £ 33.00
Coutinho, P LIV  £31.00
Ramsey, A ARS  £ 6.00
Afellay, I STO  £ 0.50
Dembele CET  £0.50
Long, S SOT  £2.00
     £86.50
Share Button

Thieving Magpies 2017/18

Phil profile pic
England till he dies: ‘Pies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: 2016/17 league winner

Form
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th
2015/16 – 9th
2016/17 – 1st

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts musicThe Great Escape – the England Band

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: If the ‘Pies boss is the first manager to successfully defend the Kenna he’ll be relying heavily on injury-free seasons from physio table regulars Vincent Kompany, Chris Smalling and Daniel Sturridge – 12/1

Auction XI – 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £1m

Gomes, H WAT  £1.00
Kompany, V MCY  £10.00
Smalling, C MUN  £0.50
Cresswell, A WHM  £0.50
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £18.00
Mahrez, R LEI  £16.00
Knockaert, A BTN  £9.00
Mirallas, K EVE  £2.00
Sturridge, D LIV  £21.00
Wilson, C BOU  £6.00
Giroud, O ARS  £15.00
     £99.00
Share Button

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2016/17

Denney
Don’t mention the war: The Young Boys manager

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name@andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Kenna Index rating: 0.3 – 4th
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Starting XI – August auction

Lloris, H TOT £ 15.00
Azpilicueta, C CHE £ 17.00
Baines, L (sold TW1) EVE £ 12.00
Valencia, A MUN £ 7.00
van Aanholt, P SUN £ 10.00
Kolarov, A MCY £ 0.50
Savile, J (sold TW1) HMP Kenna £ 12.50
Bolasie, Y (sold TW2) CRY £ 9.00
Routledge, W (sold TW1) SWA £ 0.50
Phillips, M WBA £ 2.00
Rhodes, J (sold TW1) MID £ 0.50
£ 86.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (8th)

In
Steven Defour – Burnley midfielder – £5m
Roberto Pereyra – Watford midfielder – £9m
Islam Slimani – Leicester City striker – £13m
Adama Diomande – Hull striker – £10m

Out
Leighton Baines – Everton defender – sold for £18m to Bala Rinas
Jimmy Savile – HMP Kenna midfielder – free
Wayne Routledge – Swansea midfielder -free
Jordan Rhodes – Middlesborough striker – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: none

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (5th)

In
Robbie Brady – Burnley midfielder – £2m
Ibrahim Affelay – Stoke midfielder – £2m
Oumar Niasse – Hull midfielder – £0.5m
Ademola Lookman – Everton striker – £0.5m

Out
Steven Defour – Burnley midfielder – free
Roberto Pereyra – Watford midfielder – free
Yannick Bolasie – Everton midfielder – free
Adama Diomande – Hull striker – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £5m

Share Button

Sleptember XI 2016/17

Paul pic
Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Andre Gray’s Appeal

Training facility: Andre Gray’s Social Media Manager

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: debut season

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

Starting XI – August auction

Gomes, H WAT £ 2.00
Delaney, D CRY £ 3.00
Daniels, C BOU £ 5.00
Schlupp, J (sold TW1) LEI £ 0.50
Friend, G MID £ 4.00
Mata, J MUN £ 8.00
Fletcher, D WBA £ 2.00
Noble, M WHM £ 10.00
Sterling, R MCY £ 9.00
Defoe, J SUN £ 9.00
Gray, A BUR £ 15.00
£ 67.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (5th)

In
Jamie Milner – Liverpool midfielder – £20m

Out
Jeffrey Schlupp – Leicester City defender – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £22.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February (3rd)

 

No changes.

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £32.5m

Share Button

Two Goals One Cup 2016/17

Spencer anon
Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

Starting XI – August auction

Hart, J (TW1) MCY  £                10.00
Monreal, N ARS  £                15.00
Ivanovic, B CHE  £                11.00
Blind, D MUN  £                  4.00
Taylor, N (TW1) SWA  £                   0.50
Barkley, R EVE  £                18.00
Coutinho, P LIV  £                23.00
Shaqiri, X STO  £                12.00
Lanzini, M (TW1) WHM  £                   0.50
Wickham, C (TW1) CRY  £                   3.00
Janssen, V (TW1) TOT  £                   0.50
     £                97.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (9th)

In
Artur Boruc – Bournemouth goalkeeper – £5m
Vincent Kompany – Manchester City defender – £0.5m
Stewart Downing – Middlesborough midfielder – £12m (signed from So Good They Named Him Twice)
Steve Davis – Southampton midfielder – £0.5m
Duncan Watmore – Sunderland striker – £0.5m

Out
Joe Hart – Manchester City goalkeeper – free
Neil Taylor – Swansea defender – free
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – sold for £8m to So Good They Named Him Twice
Connor Wickham – Crystal Palace striker – free
Vincent Janssen – Spurs striker – sold for £0.5m to Pikey Scum

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (14th)

 

No changes.

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Share Button