Don’t Know Yet 2017/18

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Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2016/17 – Did not enter

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Buying four players, dropping the mic and leaving the rest to autofill could guarantee a third straight relegation – 50/1

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Karius, L

LIV

£0.50

Otamendi, N

MCY

£0.50

Reid, W

WHM

£0.50

Dann, S

CRY

£0.50

Maguire, H

LEI

£0.50

Ozil, M

ARS

£20.00

Eriksen, C

TOT

£30.00

Pedro

CHE

£18.00

Mata, J

MUN

£18.00

Vokes, S

BUR

£6.00

Afobe, B

BOU

£0.50

£95.00

 

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Real Brexit

Manager: Pete

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: none

Formation: 3-4-3

Tatarusanu, C RMN £2m
Shevchuk, V UKR £5m
Rodriguez, R SUI £8m
Danilo POT £3m
Busquets, S ESP £9m
Sigurdsson, G ICE £10m
Inan, S TUR £0.5m
Fellaini, M BEL £13m
Dzyuba, A RUS £12m
Lafferty, K NIR £1m
Rashford, M ENG £0.5m
£64m
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Uncertain FC 2015/16

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Over before it’s begun: The Uncertain manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 September): It’s not about glory, it’s about how many sex tapes Tom Hopper can knock out before relegation closes in.

Howard, T EVE £3m
Gomez, J LIV £0.5m
Huth, R LEI £0.5m
Kelly, M CRY £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Sissoko, M NEW £7m
Hopper, T BRAMBLE £16m
Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Brunt, C WBA £5m
Rooney, W MUN £31m
Iheanacho, K MCY £0.5m
£65m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £35m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £35m

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Still Don’t Know Yet 2014/15

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Undecided: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 17th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Season preview in one sentence: With a 14th-place finish and a 17th-place finish under his belt, the manager knew that – for a third successive campaign – sticking to his auction strategy of blowing half the budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no hopers and bench warmers would be the last thing his competition would expect.

Boruc, A SOT  £3.00 
Huth, R LEI  £7.00 
Manquillo, J LIV  £0.50 
Monreal, N ARS  £0.50 
Zouma, K CHE  £0.50 
Downing, S WHM  £4.00 
Johnson, A SUN  £8.00 
Lennon, A EVE  £3.00 
Morrison, J WBA  £3.00 
Dzeko, E MCY  £21.00 
van Persie, R MUN  £39.00 
 £89.50m 

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Lisbon bars.

Remaining budget (for the Kenna): £10.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Singapore bars.

Remaining budget (for the Kenna): £10.5m

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Rio De Je Don’t Know

Manager: Pete

Nationality: English

International honours: none

Kawashima, E – JPN – GK  £0.50 
Jones, P – ENG – DEF  £1.00 
Zokora, D – CIV – DEF  £0.50 
Mensah, J – GHA – DEF  £0.50 
Almeida, A – POR – DEF  £0.50 
Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID  £20.00 
Iniesta, A – ESP – MID  £31.00 
Mejia, A – COL – MID  £0.50 
Glushakov, D – RUS – MID  £0.50 
Hulk – BRA – STR  £34.00 
Jelavic, N – CRO – STR  £1.00 
   £90.00 
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Still Don’t Know Yet 2013/14

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At odds: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook (on 20 August 2013): Despite earnest, late 90s conversations to the contrary, the internet definitely caught on. Not only did it allow the Still Don’t Know Yet manager to Skype into the Kenna auction from his summer sojourn in the Med complete with sunglasses and a panama hat, it gave him the platform to prove that no matter where you are in the world it’s possible to spend half your budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no-hopers who’ll make less substantive appearances this season than Madeleine McCann. Still, if there’s a chance of her mum turning up looking worried in a bikini…

Of course, for the SDKY manager the auction was less about mounting a title challenge and more a further opportunity to nurture his growing disillusionment with the league apparatus. Disappearing early for a can Boddingtons and re-runs of Only Fools and Horses in Valencia’s premier English pub, he left three gaps in his team filled by correspondence later that week. An Andre Wisdom, Philippe Senderos and Billy Jones later (see paragraph above), a leaked email about how the auction was run revealed the struggling manager to be apoplectic:

“For a start I’m only missing three players which means I’ve done 73% of a job not a “half a job” which considering I was only able to see the first 1/16th of the auction I believe was a creditable performance. I used to think that your offer to take transfer requests via fax was some sort of retro joke but now it seems more likely that this is due to the antiquated technological set up at Kenna HQ. I hope some of this year’s increased fees will be invested in infrastructure.”

The leaked email also revealed the SDKY manager clearly hasn’t forgotten that Gary O’Neil/James Collins incident last summer, which resulted in the Irish defender being kidnapped from the team hotel by a van load of goons with poor elocution, thought – but never proven – to be acting on the orders of the Kenna executive. He raged:

“I’m not having your bureaucrats cripple my team again this year after O’Neil-gate with petty administrative attacks.”

Kenna HQ remain tight lipped about the affair, except to make a firm rebuttal that there was “no retro joke involved in such a serious matter as faxing in transfer window requests”.

The fracas looks set to continue.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFrqbfiFlQQ&w=420&h=315]

Guzan, B AVL £8m
Agger, D LIV £5m
Tomkins, J WHU £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Jenkinson, C ARS £0.5m
Pilkington, A NOR £8m
Sung-Yeung, K SUN £8.5m
Adam, C STO £0.5m
Davis, S SOT £4m
van Persie, R MUN £46m
Gayle, D CRY £0.5m
£82m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £13m, net profit: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes to/from which club player was sold/bought)

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Wisdom, A LIV Free DEF Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
DEF Senderos, P FUL £2m DEF Jenkinson, C ARS £0.5m
MID Essien, M CHE Free MID Adam, C STO £0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Connolly, M CAR Free DEF Agger, D LIV £5m
DEF Davies, B WBA Free DEF Tomkins, J WHU £0.5m
MID Cabaye, Y PSG Free MID Sung-Yueng, K SUN £8.5m
STR Graham, D MID Free STR Gayle, D CRY £0.5m
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Still Don’t Know Yet

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: Domestic debut (entered The Olisadebe Euro 2012)

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook: After a warm-up 12th in the Olisadebe in the summer, this was a chance to stamp some authority on the domestic game but the SDKY manager already finds himself under considerable pressure. Not content with being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, and hence have the services of missing reserve player from the Cameroon Olympic women’s team Drusille Ngako between the sticks, the SDKY boss unsuccessfully appealed against a controversial decision to remove defender James Collins from his side.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Ngako, D (B) AWOL £1m
Jagielka, P EVE £7.5m
Ferdinand, A QPR £4m
Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
Ferguson, S (B) NEW £1m
McAnuff, J REA £18m
Gerrard, S LIV £15m
Cattermole, L SUN £2.5m
Morrison, J WBA £2.5m
van Persie, R MUN £35m
Kone, A WIG £19m
 Total £109m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Jenkinson, C ARS £13m Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
O’Neil, G WHM £0.5m McAnuff, J REA £18m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Evans, J MUN £5m Jenkinson, C ARS £13m
Balotelli, M MCY £23m Kone, A WIG £19m
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