Khashoggi set for surprise Kenna appearance

MISSING journalist Jamal Khashoggi is expected to make a shock appearance at the Kenna League transfer window on Friday (19 October).

Turkish authorities alerted news outlets to Khashoggi’s disappearance earlier this month with allegations of undercover involvement by a Saudi Arabia government unhappy with the journalist’s criticism of the regime.

Sources inside Kenna HQ contradict that narrative.

They claim a set of CCTV stills proves beyond doubt the journalist was kidnapped by the Kenna HQ manager experiences department, a notorious wing of the fantasy football league’s apparatus involved in blackmail, kidnapping and ‘wet work’.

It is thought Khashoggi is set to make his debut as a Titus Bramble forfeit player at Friday’s window.

Khashoggi will join Jimmy Savile, Barry Bennell, Ian Brady, Rolf Harris, Harold Shipman and Stuart Hazell as a Bramble player, the others being released by managers ahead of today’s noon player release deadline.

A source at the Saudi consulate concurred with the Kenna HQ account in quotes cited reported by Al-Jazeera: “Khashoggi did visit the consulate but left via the back door. There were a few guys outside, he talked to them and then they got into a Hertz rental car. One of the guys looked a lot like Emanuel Pogatetz.

“Like we said, it’s just a total coincidence the Saudi consul decided to redecorate his residence afterwards.”

In a statement earlier, the Kenna chairman said: “To think the Saudis would abduct and murder a man on foreign soil just because he criticised the regime. How ridiculous! What’s next: Russian spies unleashing nerve agent in English cathedral cities?

“Anyway, we’re really getting our money’s worth out of that Saudi Arabia bunting we bought for the Kharine World Cup.”

A total of 18 players were released by managers today (below). As usual the auction spendthrift Dynamo Charlton manager takes the biggest war chest into the transfer window: £37.5m.

Khashoggi style – alternative journalist disappearance in pictures

Biggin Hill Airport – A private plane registered to Kenna HQ is spotted preparing for take off the night before Khashoggi’s disappearance.

Khashoggi - plane
Ataturk Airport, Istanbul – Members of the Kenna manager experiences department, including Clint Dempsey and Emanuel Pogatetz, are seen being waved through airport security.

Airport security - Khashoggi

North London – Jamal Khashoggi seen arriving at Kenna HQ this week under the watchful eye of manager experiences department ‘muscle’.

Consulate - Khashoggi

Released players and remaining budgets

*indicates a manager absent from the auction receiving the average remaining budget

Manager Releases Remaining budget Remaining budget (inc. bonus) Auction attendance
Dynamo Charlton Hernandez (WHU, ST) 27.5 37.5 Present
Dulwich Red Sox None 19.5 29.5 Present
Lokomotiv Leeds Fabinho (LIV, MF), Bonatini (WLV, ST) 18 28 Present
Dark Lord Clyne (LIV, DF) 11.5 21.5 Present
Sporting Lesbian Guaita (CRY, GK), Kongolo (HUD, DF), Schar (NEW, DF) 9 19 Present
Dagger’n’Redbridge None 8.5* 18.5 Absent
The treasurer Balogun (BTN, DF), Joselu (NEW, ST), Perez (WHU, ST) 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Pikey Scum None 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Newington Reds Phil Jones (MUN, DF), Mawson (FUL, DF), Andre Gomes (EVE, MF) 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Test Team None 7 17 Present
JPF Lovren (LIV, DF), Moses (CHE, DF), Niasse (EVE, ST) 7 17 Present
Craving Cottaging Ian Brady (BRM DF), Stuart Hazell (BRM, DF), Delph (MCY, MF), Gabbiadini (SOT, ST) 7 17 Present
Piss Poor None 6 16 Present
Fat Ladies Herrera (MUN, MF), Puncheon (CRY, MF) 4.5 14.5 Present
Mo Me The Mane Barry Bennell (BRM, MF), Rolf Harris (BRM, ST) 3 13 Present
Cowley Casuals Fredricks (WHU, DF), Lichsteiner (ARS, DF), Fred (MUN, MF) 3 13 Present
Chairman None 2 12 Present
Still Don’t Know Yet Batshuayi (VAL, ST), Romero (MUN, GK) 1.5 11.5 Present
Clotted Cream First Lanzini (WHU, ST) 1 11 Present
Young Boys Heaton (BUR, GK), Harold Shipman (BRM, MF), Llorente (TOT, ST) 0.5 10.5 Present
The Pirate Danilo (MCY, DF), Besic (MID, MF), Wilshere (WHU, MF) 0.5 10.5 Present
Magpies None 0 10 Present
Fadges Christiansen (CHE, DF) 0 10 Present
Tottenham Network Solutions Jimmy Savile (BRM, MF) 0 10 Present
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Rob Green signed as tour guide

ROB Green has signed for Chelsea to introduce the club’s new foreign signings to English culture.

The 38-year-old goalkeeper isn’t expected to take part in any football matches, just show new players famous London landmarks and introduce them to British cuisine.

Chelsea’s £50.4m signing Jorginho was the first to go on Green’s induction and spoke about his experience.

“Yesterday Rob take me Tower of London. I say to him ‘Rob, what are these men in the red facking uniforms?’

“He tell me they are Beefeaters. You English crazy. How they going catch crooks stealing the crown jewels in that stupid facking outfit.

Green then took Jorginho on a Thames Clipper cruise before the pair went for lunch.

“I tell him ‘Rob, I want to eat the fish and the facking chips, Rob. The fish and the facking chips.’

“He show me saveloy sausage and teach me new phrase ‘oi oi, saveloy’.

“We get the fish and the facking chips in paper and eat sitting on wall in front of tower block, like the real English people. I take one bite and say ‘Rob, this English food it taste like the facking shit.”

Should Chelsea sign Juventus centre-back Daniele Rugani, Green plans to take him to Madame Tussauds before going for pie and mash in Islington.

Kenna League managers are not expected to sign Green at next month’s fantasy football auction, but interest in Jorginho is likely to see the Italian fetch a high price in the bidding.

“Oi, oi, facking saveloy,” said the former Napoli midfielder.

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Like Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House

THE chairman is to cede control of an auction in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league for the first time in history, according to sources at Kenna HQ.

It’s believed the 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup auction next June will be coordinated and run by another member of the league.

In the 12 years since the Kenna League founded, the chairman has been responsible for running 13 domestic and six international tournament auctions.

The news prompted jubilant scenes at the Young Boys of Vauxhall training facility Fiddler’s Harris (pictured).

The Young Boys manager, who is also vice chairman of the Kenna League, is a long-time critic of the Kenna leadership, fomenting unrest at every opportunity.

The Welsh-Belgian has claimed he would have been chairman were it not for inherent racism against the people of Wales at Kenna HQ.

Last November, he used the #NotMyChairman protests among Kenna managers to further his own case for taking over the league.

Should the vice chairman assume control of the World Cup auction it’s thought he will make root-and-branch changes to the event.

Last August, the Welshman broke into a 10-minute rant at what he considered unfair processes with the league’s notorious forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

What’s become the traditional venue of the auction, the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, could also be under threat.

It’s feared the auction could move from a convenient central London location to the Young Boys’ Yewtree Lane home ground in the transport blackhole of Battersea.

‘The chairman’s been running these auctions well for years, but he feels now could be time to let someone else have a go,’ said the source at Kenna HQ.

‘Should he pass control of the auction to the vice chairman, I’m sure it’ll never come to be likened to Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House.’

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Sanchez buyout clause confounds Pirate

ALEXIS Sanchez could be snapped up for as little as £10m at the October transfer window after having a buyout clause put in his contract.

Kenna League blazers took the unprecedented step having found the £32m Chilean forward was illegally signed by Islington Sports Islam & Leisure at the auction on Friday evening (4 August).

The decision will pile yet more woe on the ISIL manager.

Known as the Pirate, he became the highlight of the 13th annual Kenna auction by losing Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling and trying to resign.

The ISIL manager finished the night with a strike force of Sanchez, Glenn Murray, Andre Gray and Bramble player Dr Cliff Huxtable.

Overlooked at the time by the Kenna charts and graphs department, the team was found afterwards to have more than the limit of three strikers.

In a press conference outside the Holborn Whippet on Monday, the chairman explained: “Hold onto your tactics whiteboard pens, this will divide opinion.

“We’ve deliberated this at Kenna HQ. Charts and graphs feel they should take some of the blame for not spotting this on Friday.

“Therefore a decision has been taken.

“ISIL lose Gray, who goes on a silent bid to Puncheon The Bony Kante.

“Sanchez remains an ISIL striker but has a £10m buyout clause inserted into his contract.

“Effective at the October window, bidding will start at £10m for the Chilean striker.

“The Pirate cannot bid and will not receive any monies paid.”

The Burqini Pool Party manager summed up the feeling among managers: “What a time to be alive.”

The outcome was not well received at ISIL’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Trying to threaten Kenna HQ with a photo of his proposed resignation letter, the Pirate sent an unrelated photo from his camera roll.

“That’s twice he’s tried to resign in less than a week,” quipped the chairman.

Pirate resignation
Everything but the resignation: The Pirate’s second attempt to quit in a week
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What’s the Morata with the Pirate?

MELODRAMA lit up the Kenna League auction on Friday night when a manager threatened to resign after forfeiting Alvaro Morata.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager, known as the Pirate, put on his pea coat and almost jumped ship after illegally buying Thibault Courtois and losing Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling.

The incident, coupled with a round of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, turned the auction from studied caution into a partisan crowd.

Cheers and jeers rang out in the patio area of the Hoop & Grapes as the Pirate’s mutiny interrupted the auction for 10 chaotic minutes.

ISIL had signed Morata for £15m in the first lot of the evening: a novelty lucky dip involving the Spanish striker, Jordan Pickford, Tom Ince and Bramble player Siri.

From there the Pirate’s early business was promising. Alexis Sanchez was quickly added to his attack, but seasoned Kenna managers suspected the combination of a swelling ISIL team sheet and a shot of homemade hooch was a powder keg waiting to blow.

The hotheaded manager claimed his bid on goalkeeper Courtois was made in jest.

With such a high-profile signing as Morata already in his team, the league correctly jumped on the sniff of a Bramble.

The incident was a close repeat of the Pirate’s acrimonious resignation during the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction in 2012.

In both cases the manager eventually returned to his senses and rejoined the auction.

The evening had started in understated fashion. A largely unprintable keynote address from the chairman proceeded the lucky dip signings of Morata by ISIL and Kyle Walker by Sporting Lesbian.

From there 16 attendees, including defending champion the Thieving Magpies manager, bid on the 50 most well-regarded footballers in England drawn at random. Another four managers absent submitted sealed bids.

The dregs of the auction were mopped up by 11.30pm, but everyone will remember the night for the Pirate’s outburst which came around 90 minutes into affairs.

Full teams will be available in The Rub in the next 24 hours.

The auction in photos

Pirate paying subs
The Pirate finally catches up on his subs before the auction.
Lucky dip
The chairman explains the lucky dip bid to get proceedings underway.
The Pirate looks pleased with his early progress
The Pirate looks pleased with his early progress.
Once unleashed, the homemade quince vodka is a ticking time bomb
Once unleashed, the homemade quince vodka is a ticking Titus Bramble time bomb.
The chairman rules Morata is lost on a Bramble. Onlookers cannot contain their schadenfreude.
The chairman rules Morata is lost on a Bramble. Onlookers cannot contain their schadenfreude.
Pirate sulk
‘Alvaro, are we still friends? That thing with Courtois meant nothing to me.’
The Spanish striker who sparked chaos
The Spanish striker who sparked chaos
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Kenna manager tells judge ‘you’re picking on me because I’m a Brambler’ during subs dodge grilling

A KENNA League manager told a judge he was being picked on because he can’t grasp basics of the Titus Bramble forfeit rules during a grilling on claims he dodged £85 of league subs.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager was quizzed by magistrates in north London for 90 minutes at a pre-trial hearing.

The session was behind closed doors, but it’s emerged the ISIL manager rowed with the judge saying: ‘If I hadn’t once resigned halfway through an auction because I kept Brambling myself and threw my toys out the pram, I wouldn’t be here’.

The judge at Highbury Corner Magistrates Court replied: ‘Everyone has to pay their subs to enter the Kenna. The fact is you haven’t.’

The court is likely to pursue a payment plan with the ISIL manager, particularly since his entry to the Kenna auction this week means the monies owed rise to £110.

Authorities are also targeting the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who has owed £30 to the Kenna League in subs since last year.

The prosecution lawyer said this morning: ‘The DRS manager is as evasive as Cristiano Ronaldo’s taxes.’

Around 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub from 6.30pm on Friday (4 August) for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download this season’s Kenna player list.

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Fantasy league begins disciplinary proceedings against manager’s profane rant

THE Kenna League has started a disciplinary process against a manager after footage emerged of him calling rival managers ‘fucking shit’ while drunk in a bar.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, known as ‘Breivik’ for his resemblance to the infamous Norwegian mass murderer, was captured on video apparently criticising the managers of Piss Poor and Just Put Carles.

All three clubs finished in the relegation zone last season. JPF was just above the other two in 20th place.

The pressure appears to have got to Breivik, who under league rules now has to come up with a new team name if he wants to enter this Friday’s Kenna League auction.

Reports claim his drinking bouts have become more violent over the summer, often cornering strangers in pub smoking areas and repeatedly shouting ‘Judean Peoples’ Front’ in their faces, mostly with the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Kenna HQ said in a statement: “Breivik has conducted himself in a manner unbefitting of the Kenna League. The apostrophe comes after the ‘s’ in ‘Peoples”.”

Up to 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub this Friday for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download the player list.


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Who will be deadliest from close range?

HARRY Kane could be the deadliest Englishman from close range since Harold Shipman.

So how will that affect his value in a fantasy football auction?

Next Friday around 20 managers will be battling it out for the signatures of Kane, Romelu Lukaku, Sergio Aguero and the like at the 13th annual Kenna League auction.

With a team budget of £100m, the most desirable strikers in the land can expect to fetch anything between £30 and £50m.

Kenna rules mean managers can only buy one player from each Premier League club.

What does that do the signing fees of second tier strikers?

The return of Javier ‘El Chicharito’ Hernandez to England will be watched with interest.

‘The Little Pea’ has Kenna League experience, which is a big advantage over a newcomer like Alexandre ‘The Casette’ Lacazette.

The Mexican is also likely to get plenty of game time considering his competition for a place comes from Andy Carroll, a man so prone to injury his season will have more interruptions than a Kensington and Chelsea council meeting.

Wayne Rooney’s return to Merseyside is another move to raise an eyebrow.

Formally an outstanding performer at this level, enthusiasm from Kenna managers in recent times has…ahem…waned.

Two years ago Rooney was signed at auction for £31m. Last year it was £20m before he was sold in the February transfer window for a miserable £0.5m.

Rooney’s summer move will see his value increase, although many managers will consider him a gamble for anything more than £10m.

Saying that, players are randomly generated to be picked for auction so if Rooney comes out in the first half hour he’ll probably pick up a bigger signing fee.

If he comes out once managers have had a few beers and a couple of shots of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, who knows what will happen?

Download the Kenna League 2017-18 player list

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Kenna mourns loss of Cheick Tiote

FORMER Kenna League player Cheick Tiote has died aged 30 after collapsing in training in China.

Tiote appeared for three Kenna clubs during his spell in England, but his tough-tackling defensive style saw him quickly moved on by managers.

The Ivory Coast midfielder’s first season in the Kenna with The Dan Terry Seduction was the only one he saw out with a club, albeit getting relegated.

The DTS manager snapped up Tiote for £0.5m at the October transfer window. He scored just 25 points in 29 weeks.

Later that summer Tiote was signed, again for £0.5m, by Judean Peoples’ Front.

Tiote only lasted two months before being released alongside Scott Parker in a midfield clear out by the JPF manager, in favour of Jean Beausejour and Abu Diaby.

JPF went on to finish the season in third place, the manager’s best league performance.

Tiote wouldn’t feature again in the Kenna for two years.

When the Young Boys manager signed him for £0.5m in October 2014 it unfortunately coincided with two months of miserable form for the club.

The midfielder was released in February as part of a five-player clear out.

“We’re very sorry to learn of the death of Cheick Tiote,” said the chairman outside Kenna HQ this week.

“He didn’t enjoy the most auspicious Kenna career, but he was a good panic buy for managers struggling late on in an auction or transfer night, and he did make an excellent fall guy when things weren’t going well.

“Our thoughts are with the family.”

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Introducing: this season’s Bramble players

FANTASY football has few harsher punishments than the Titus Bramble ruling.

Mess up at the Kenna League auction draft – overspend, buy an illegal player – and there are no easy let offs and no ‘oh, poor luck let’s forget about that shall we?’s.

Buy an illegal player and you’ll have him whipped out your team and replaced with a forfeit faster than you can say ‘Twattus Bollocks‘. And you’ll lose half the cash you paid for him.

It doesn’t end there. The forfeit players used to be active Premier League footballers, but some notorious chicanery four years ago means they’re now the ultimate deterrent: convicted sex offenders.

Last month’s auction saw three paedophiles turn out for Kenna League teams.

Let’s meet the Charlie Chesters who managers can’t get rid of until the first transfer window in October.

Adam Johnson (£21m), midfielder, Piss Poor

Adam Johnson
Adam Johnson

Why’s he here?
Put Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jamie Vardy and Adam Johnson into an envelope and auction off a lucky dip. It’s called Chinese Roulette. That’s how the Piss Poor manager ended up paying £21m to have the former Sunderland man in his midfield.

What can he contribute?
Johnson creates and scores goals, even more so in the number 10 spot, but then he was sentenced earlier this year for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. He’ll give opposition fans something to sing about though.

Stuart Hall (£12.5m), midfielder, FC Testiculadew

Stuart Hall
Stuart Hall

Why’s he here?
Usually so cunning at skirting Kenna auction regulations, the manager best known as the Tactical Brambler walked straight into this Bramble when he signed a second Leicester City player. Cheerio Jamie Vardy and half his £25m signing fee. Hello, It’s A Knockout!

What can he contribute?
At 86, it’s unlikely Hall will translate his poetic vocal style to the FCT midfield. Has he got any attacks left in him?

Mark Bridger (£16.5m), midfielder, Bala Rinas

Mark Bridger
Mark Bridger

Why he’s here?
The Bala Rinas manager overspent late in the auction and lost his most expensive player Eden Hazard, who had cost £33m. A tremendous oversight from the league’s Welsh treasurer, for whom Mark Bridger was the obvious Bramble.

What can he contribute?
Rarely caught in possession, but his resourcefulness under pressure hides traces of greater concern.

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