Category: News

MISSING journalist Jamal Khashoggi is expected to make a shock appearance at the Kenna League transfer window on Friday (19 October).

Turkish authorities alerted news outlets to Khashoggi’s disappearance earlier this month with allegations of undercover involvement by a Saudi Arabia government unhappy with the journalist’s criticism of the regime.

Sources inside Kenna HQ contradict that narrative.

They claim a set of CCTV stills proves beyond doubt the journalist was kidnapped by the Kenna HQ manager experiences department, a notorious wing of the fantasy football league’s apparatus involved in blackmail, kidnapping and ‘wet work’.

It is thought Khashoggi is set to make his debut as a Titus Bramble forfeit player at Friday’s window.

Khashoggi will join Jimmy Savile, Barry Bennell, Ian Brady, Rolf Harris, Harold Shipman and Stuart Hazell as a Bramble player, the others being released by managers ahead of today’s noon player release deadline.

A source at the Saudi consulate concurred with the Kenna HQ account in quotes cited reported by Al-Jazeera: “Khashoggi did visit the consulate but left via the back door. There were a few guys outside, he talked to them and then they got into a Hertz rental car. One of the guys looked a lot like Emanuel Pogatetz.

“Like we said, it’s just a total coincidence the Saudi consul decided to redecorate his residence afterwards.”

In a statement earlier, the Kenna chairman said: “To think the Saudis would abduct and murder a man on foreign soil just because he criticised the regime. How ridiculous! What’s next: Russian spies unleashing nerve agent in English cathedral cities?

“Anyway, we’re really getting our money’s worth out of that Saudi Arabia bunting we bought for the Kharine World Cup.”

A total of 18 players were released by managers today (below). As usual the auction spendthrift Dynamo Charlton manager takes the biggest war chest into the transfer window: £37.5m.

Khashoggi style – alternative journalist disappearance in pictures

Biggin Hill Airport – A private plane registered to Kenna HQ is spotted preparing for take off the night before Khashoggi’s disappearance.

Ataturk Airport, Istanbul – Members of the Kenna manager experiences department, including Clint Dempsey and Emanuel Pogatetz, are seen being waved through airport security.

North London – Jamal Khashoggi seen arriving at Kenna HQ this week under the watchful eye of manager experiences department ‘muscle’.

Released players and remaining budgets

*indicates a manager absent from the auction receiving the average remaining budget

ROB Green has signed for Chelsea to introduce the club’s new foreign signings to English culture.

The 38-year-old goalkeeper isn’t expected to take part in any football matches, just show new players famous London landmarks and introduce them to British cuisine.

Chelsea’s £50.4m signing Jorginho was the first to go on Green’s induction and spoke about his experience.

“Yesterday Rob take me Tower of London. I say to him ‘Rob, what are these men in the red facking uniforms?’

“He tell me they are Beefeaters. You English crazy. How they going catch crooks stealing the crown jewels in that stupid facking outfit.

Green then took Jorginho on a Thames Clipper cruise before the pair went for lunch.

“I tell him ‘Rob, I want to eat the fish and the facking chips, Rob. The fish and the facking chips.’

“He show me saveloy sausage and teach me new phrase ‘oi oi, saveloy’.

“We get the fish and the facking chips in paper and eat sitting on wall in front of tower block, like the real English people. I take one bite and say ‘Rob, this English food it taste like the facking shit.”

Should Chelsea sign Juventus centre-back Daniele Rugani, Green plans to take him to Madame Tussauds before going for pie and mash in Islington.

Kenna League managers are not expected to sign Green at next month’s fantasy football auction, but interest in Jorginho is likely to see the Italian fetch a high price in the bidding.

“Oi, oi, facking saveloy,” said the former Napoli midfielder.

ALEXIS Sanchez could be snapped up for as little as £10m at the October transfer window after having a buyout clause put in his contract.

Kenna League blazers took the unprecedented step having found the £32m Chilean forward was illegally signed by Islington Sports Islam & Leisure at the auction on Friday evening (4 August).

The decision will pile yet more woe on the ISIL manager.

Known as the Pirate, he became the highlight of the 13th annual Kenna auction by losing Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling and trying to resign.

The ISIL manager finished the night with a strike force of Sanchez, Glenn Murray, Andre Gray and Bramble player Dr Cliff Huxtable.

Overlooked at the time by the Kenna charts and graphs department, the team was found afterwards to have more than the limit of three strikers.

In a press conference outside the Holborn Whippet on Monday, the chairman explained: “Hold onto your tactics whiteboard pens, this will divide opinion.

“We’ve deliberated this at Kenna HQ. Charts and graphs feel they should take some of the blame for not spotting this on Friday.

“Therefore a decision has been taken.

“ISIL lose Gray, who goes on a silent bid to Puncheon The Bony Kante.

“Sanchez remains an ISIL striker but has a £10m buyout clause inserted into his contract.

“Effective at the October window, bidding will start at £10m for the Chilean striker.

“The Pirate cannot bid and will not receive any monies paid.”

The Burqini Pool Party manager summed up the feeling among managers: “What a time to be alive.”

The outcome was not well received at ISIL’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Trying to threaten Kenna HQ with a photo of his proposed resignation letter, the Pirate sent an unrelated photo from his camera roll.

“That’s twice he’s tried to resign in less than a week,” quipped the chairman.

THE Kenna League has started a disciplinary process against a manager after footage emerged of him calling rival managers ‘fucking shit’ while drunk in a bar.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, known as ‘Breivik’ for his resemblance to the infamous Norwegian mass murderer, was captured on video apparently criticising the managers of Piss Poor and Just Put Carles.

All three clubs finished in the relegation zone last season. JPF was just above the other two in 20th place.

The pressure appears to have got to Breivik, who under league rules now has to come up with a new team name if he wants to enter this Friday’s Kenna League auction.

Reports claim his drinking bouts have become more violent over the summer, often cornering strangers in pub smoking areas and repeatedly shouting ‘Judean Peoples’ Front’ in their faces, mostly with the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Kenna HQ said in a statement: “Breivik has conducted himself in a manner unbefitting of the Kenna League. The apostrophe comes after the ‘s’ in ‘Peoples”.”

Up to 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub this Friday for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download the player list.

HARRY Kane could be the deadliest Englishman from close range since Harold Shipman.

So how will that affect his value in a fantasy football auction?

Next Friday around 20 managers will be battling it out for the signatures of Kane, Romelu Lukaku, Sergio Aguero and the like at the 13th annual Kenna League auction.

With a team budget of £100m, the most desirable strikers in the land can expect to fetch anything between £30 and £50m.

Kenna rules mean managers can only buy one player from each Premier League club.

What does that do the signing fees of second tier strikers?

The return of Javier ‘El Chicharito’ Hernandez to England will be watched with interest.

‘The Little Pea’ has Kenna League experience, which is a big advantage over a newcomer like Alexandre ‘The Casette’ Lacazette.

The Mexican is also likely to get plenty of game time considering his competition for a place comes from Andy Carroll, a man so prone to injury his season will have more interruptions than a Kensington and Chelsea council meeting.

Wayne Rooney’s return to Merseyside is another move to raise an eyebrow.

Formally an outstanding performer at this level, enthusiasm from Kenna managers in recent times has…ahem…waned.

Two years ago Rooney was signed at auction for £31m. Last year it was £20m before he was sold in the February transfer window for a miserable £0.5m.

Rooney’s summer move will see his value increase, although many managers will consider him a gamble for anything more than £10m.

Saying that, players are randomly generated to be picked for auction so if Rooney comes out in the first half hour he’ll probably pick up a bigger signing fee.

If he comes out once managers have had a few beers and a couple of shots of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, who knows what will happen?

Download the Kenna League 2017-18 player list

FORMER Kenna League player Cheick Tiote has died aged 30 after collapsing in training in China.

Tiote appeared for three Kenna clubs during his spell in England, but his tough-tackling defensive style saw him quickly moved on by managers.

The Ivory Coast midfielder’s first season in the Kenna with The Dan Terry Seduction was the only one he saw out with a club, albeit getting relegated.

The DTS manager snapped up Tiote for £0.5m at the October transfer window. He scored just 25 points in 29 weeks.

Later that summer Tiote was signed, again for £0.5m, by Judean Peoples’ Front.

Tiote only lasted two months before being released alongside Scott Parker in a midfield clear out by the JPF manager, in favour of Jean Beausejour and Abu Diaby.

JPF went on to finish the season in third place, the manager’s best league performance.

Tiote wouldn’t feature again in the Kenna for two years.

When the Young Boys manager signed him for £0.5m in October 2014 it unfortunately coincided with two months of miserable form for the club.

The midfielder was released in February as part of a five-player clear out.

“We’re very sorry to learn of the death of Cheick Tiote,” said the chairman outside Kenna HQ this week.

“He didn’t enjoy the most auspicious Kenna career, but he was a good panic buy for managers struggling late on in an auction or transfer night, and he did make an excellent fall guy when things weren’t going well.

“Our thoughts are with the family.”