Player list published

Player list
Tevez, hairplugs, malaria, molester, out of form, dobber: in that order

Carlos Tevez has put quality time with his daughters on hold to become the most expensive signing in the DT player list, issued today.

The ‘wantaway’ striker, who spurned free plastic surgery on a childhood accident that left his neck scarred for life, shares the top spot with a man who had hairplugs fitted and announced it on the internet.

Frank Lampard takes the wig in midfield, despite his truly awful season for bottom-placed PSV last season. Watch Gareth Bale’s auction value plummet as he no longer picks up clean sheet points.

Vidic is the new JT/Ian Harte as the priciest defender. Joe Hart’s club form makes him first choice ‘keeper.

Managers are reminded that the position in which a player is included on this list, is the position they will play in their Kenna 4-4-2 formation.

View the player list by clicking on the PDF icon on the right, and remember: a Kenna manager is better than the information contained in the green box at the top.

Just one calendar month to go until the start of the new season. Salty.

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Open letter to Ruud Gullit

Kenna HQ
London WC2

Dear Ruud,

We’re sorry to hear about you losing your job this week.

As the saying goes, when one door closes another one opens, and that’s why we’d like to offer you the fantastic opportunity to manage your own team next season in the Jeff Kenna League.

The format is simple. We meet in a bar before the Premiership season to hold an auction of players and afterwards we all go to a discotheque. We officially meet in a bar another two times in the season for transfer nights, and once business is concluded we proceed to a discotheque.

Other than that managers are free to visit as many bars and discotheques as they like. As you’ll know from your Chelsea days, there’s rather a lot of them in London.

We think your credentials make you an ideal manager for ‘the Kenna’. Provided, of course, you can pay the £20 entry fee.

We can even give your team an amusing name like ‘Terek-ball Perm’.

Eagerly awaiting your response,

The Chairman

PS – to allay any apprehensions you may have, I do not own a gold gun nor am I alleged to have been involved in violent political crimes. Neither, to the best of my knowledge, have any managers in the Kenna.

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10-pint Thursday

The Young Boys manager
The YB manager: champion of the Kenna, and alternative fashion

Thank you to managers who attended last night’s end-of-season debrief on the pavement outside an exclusive central London venue.

The Chairman would say it was memorable, but frankly details at the end are as blurred as the purpose of the FIFA ethics committee.

Those not present missed a remarkable story about sneaking out of a wedding in France to watch the Champions League final, drinking a bottle of Beaujolais and causing a scene when they wouldn’t let him bring two local peons into the reception after the match.

If this sounds like you then you’re just the calibre of manager the Kenna is looking for. We need more of you to offest the smug-as-hell-even-though-their-shirt-is-tucked-into-their-pants brigade.

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A better fantasy

Welcome to Jeff’s new home on the internet.

It’s here you can find out the latest news and updates of an intrepid band of managers and their own unique brand of fantasy football.

We look forward to the 2011/12 season, and especially the summer auction, where managers will spend five hours in a pub buying their first XI before the start of the Premiership.

Stats, teams and weekly updates will appear here soon. In the meantime, find out about our history, prizes, scoring and Titus Bramble by clicking on the links above.

Alternatively, you can look at last season’s results by clicking on the Excel icon on right.

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