DARK times at Kenna HQ.

Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.

What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?

Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.

Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.

Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.

Many hope this is just a temporary blip.

They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.

Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Full scores available from The Rub.

Krakow Cup – 16 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 17 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 17 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 9 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 5 January 2018
Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Kenna table week 20

Kenna table week 20 - 16 January 2018
Kenna table week 20 – 16 January 2018

Kenna table week 19

Kenna week 19 - 9 January 2018
Kenna week 19 – 9 January 2018

Kenna table week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 18 - 5 January 2018
Kenna table week 18 – 5 January 2018

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New Year message from the chairman

‘I’m on the wagon until the Kenna transfer window on Friday 2 February.

‘Yes. You have heard that one before.’

Kenna League table week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 17 - 29 December 2017
Kenna table week 17 – 29 December 2017
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Killing time in West Pomerania

THE Berlin to Poznan train was fully booked.

Rather than shelling out for first class the next morning, the Kenna League chairman opted for a more roundabout route through Szczecin (or Stettin if you’re Teuton) and a maiden voyage into the region of West Pomerania.

The journey included onward travel so of course, the big question was: how do you kill 90 minutes in West Pomerania?

One of the nearest pubs to the Szczecin station was Irish.

It was the Friday before Christmas. Unlike Godless Brits, Poles view advent as a time of reflection rather than Prosecco and photocopied private parts. It was late afternoon and the majority of West Pomeranians were soberly going about their business.

The street was called Kaszubska, named after a region in Pomerania to the east. A few steps descent into the Irish Pub Dublin, the chairman walked into decor straight from the Guinness catalogue.

Dark wood, low lighting and mirrors with stout brands. The barman wasn’t Irish, a surprise to result in a clumsy exchange which left the barman quite certain the customer was English.

This may account for what happened next.

Settling down at a table with his pint of Pomeranian-brewed Kasztelan, the chairman all of a sudden heard the music stop. What would they put on the welcome the leader of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league?

‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ sang a rabble to the five punters in the pub. Then a beat, then lots of men effing and jeffing about West Ham. Oh dear, it was a Hammers CD.

The chairman sipped his Pomeranian beer, wondered what the reaction should be in West Pomerania and decided to do nothing.

Halfway through the second Hammers song the bar gave up and put Christmas music back on.

The chairman finished his pint, put on his hat and coat, and left the pub wondering if he’d been mistaken for a Green Street casual.

Krakow Cup – group stage round two

Krakow Cup round 2 - 19 December 2017
Krakow Cup round 2 – 19 December 2017

Kenna League table week 16

Kenna table week 16 - 19 December 2017
Kenna table week 16 – 19 December 2017
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Puncheon above his Bony Kante

THE Christmas party at Kenna League club Puncheon the Bony Kante has been cancelled due to a culture of dressing room violence, it has emerged.

The side’s poor form and the manager’s strange choice of team name has led to macabre bust ups between players after matches.

A source at the club said: ‘Early in the season the manager walked into the dressing room to find Ashley Williams holding Mamadou Sakho in a headlock while Danilo hit him in the head shouting “I’m Puncheon the Bony Sakho Shit”.’

The manager had to intervene but the incident has led to players ganging up on each other to come up with the best word play on the team’s name, claimed the source.

Shortly after the initial incident, a young Nigerian playmaker needed hospital treatment when someone coined ‘Puncheon Iwobi Kante’.

Then young English striker Lingard suffered a black eye when a teammate cracked ‘Puncheon the Jesse Kante’.

During the Rainbow Laces LGBT awareness weekend in November, striker Andre Gray found himself the unfortunate victim of ‘Fisting the Bony Kante’.

The striker was attacked again alongside midfielder Demarai Gray as teammates quipped ‘Puncheon two shades of Gray out the Kante’.

The situation came to a head last weekend when goalkeeper Caballero received life-changing injuries after his Gatorade was spiked with Viagra to tee up the punchline ‘Puncheon the Bony Willy’.

Languishing third from bottom in the league and losing the opening group game of the Krakow Cup, the pressure is on the mysterious debutant manager.

He’s responded by pulling the plug on the fairy lights and is rumoured to be taking advice on the issue from the England Cricket Board.

Krakow Cup group stage – results and standings

Kenna cup results - 12 December 2017
Kenna cup results – 12 December 2017

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 15 - 12 December 2017
Kenna table week 15 – 12 December 2017
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Disappointing turn out for Krakow Cup draw

FIFA blazers are being blamed for the low turn out at the Kenna’s Cup draw in London, because they held the World Cup draw in Russia six days later.

Just three people, including the Kenna League chairman and former Bramble player Eric Djemba-Djemba, attended the Krakow Cup draw two weeks ago in the Pressure Drop brewery in Tottenham.

“We invited the cream of world football society – Maradona, Gordon Banks, Fabio Cannavaro and the like, the media and Zurich blazers but they turned us all down to get to the fleshpots of Moscow a week early,” said a downcast Kenna chairman to no journalists outside the brewery on the Lockwood Industrial Park.

Sources at Kenna HQ say in the end the chairman got desperate and called former Bramble players to drum up some numbers.

Christophe Berra had a crucial home game for Hearts against Hamilton Academical, Adam Johnson was otherwise detained and Eric Djemba-Djemba only showed up to demand £20k in cash to pay off some loan sharks,” said the Kenna deep throat.

Nevertheless, the Krakow Cup draw went ahead with holders AJFC drawn into six-team group C. The first fixtures take place this weekend.

In the league, Pikey Scum retain a slender 22-point lead over a surging Two Goals One Cup.

Tuesday 12 December
Tuesday 19 December
Tuesday 2 January
Tuesday 9 January
Tuesday 16 January
Group A
Bala Rinas
Dynamo Charlton
Cowley Casuals
No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta
Group B
Wandsworth NS
So Good Twice
Pikey Scum
Burquini Pool Party
Young Boys
Group C
Piss Poor
Puncheon the Bony Kante
Lokomotiv Leeds
Two Goals One Cup
Don’t Know Yet
Group D
Sporting Lesbian
The Brambler

Kenna League table – week 14

Kenna table week 14 - 6 December 2017
Kenna table week 14 – 6 December 2017

Kenna League table – week 13

Week 13 - 28 November 2017
Week 13 – 28 November 2017
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Brewery to host Kenna cup draw

THE Kenna League’s cup competition draw is to be held on a Tottenham industrial estate after this Saturday was designated ‘Beavertown Day’ by officials.

Teams from the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league will be drawn into four groups by Kenna HQ delegates visiting the Beavtertown Brewery on Lockwood Industrial Park in north London (pictured).

The decision to hold the draw in a taproom was a ‘strategic consideration’ according to Kenna HQ, and nothing to do with the chairman’s wife being away for the next few days in Krakow.

Whatsapp push notifications lit up across London with the ‘strategic consideration’.

Made up of picnic tables in a concrete car park and up to eight cheap and delicious beers flowing from 2pm to 8pm every Saturday, the Beavertown Brewery taproom is seen by many Kenna HQ gazers as a long overdue venue for official league activity.

Beavertown Brewery founder and owner Logan Plant, son of Led Zeppelin star Robert, said: “To have the Kenna League cup draw here is a real honour, but we’re still turning down a request for members of the Kenna executive committee to drink for free all day, despite promises of up to seven people watching the event live on Periscope.”

To mark this ‘seminal moment’ in the league’s history, the knockout competition has officially been renamed the Krakow Cup.

Fact: Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant once played fathers’ day cricket against former Kenna League competitor The Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Kenna table – week 12

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 12 - 21 November 2017
Kenna week 12 – 21 November 2017
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Charge your phone on a hand dryer? USB joking

YOU may have noticed every pub crawl organised by the Kenna includes a full down rundown of hand dryers in the gents.

You may have wondered why.

Well, there’s a simple reason. It’s an enigma.

Kenna research is conclusive. No scientific relation exists between the quality of a pub and the quality of its hand drying facilities.

The Croydon Tram pub crawl is a fine example.

The 21 Club in New Addington had shell suits, mullets, Argos gold, kids playing pool and 90s lager on tap.

It was unfriendly. It was Shameless

But this, the most base level of drinking establishment, had a Dyson Airblade.

At the other end of the spectrum, the Inspector Morse Oxford pub crawl.

The Eagle & Child on St Giles has been frequented by some of the world’s finest scholars, and boasts JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis among former regulars.

But all that prestige and sophistication vanishes with their pathetic hand dryer and the image of Morse, after a heavy setback in the investigation, muttering his way through a trouser wipe.

All of which means there was palpable excitement today in the corridors of Kenna HQ when a new hand dryer innovation was rumoured.

A photo appeared in a whatsapp group. An acquaintance claimed their new workplace washroom device – a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer – had USB ports.

‘USB ports! What witchcraft is this?’ was the kind of utterance whispered in the labyrinthine departments and committee rooms of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league administrative hub.

In a fit of excitement, Kenna HQ reached out to other hand dryer enthusiasts on social media.

Excitement spread.

Could this be the end of…

But then two things happened.

First of all, upon further rumination the denizens of Kenna HQ began to question the benefits of a USB port on a hand dryer.

Was it secure? 

Could a phone thief catch you, literally, with your pants down?

And how much can a phone charge in the time it takes to, ahem, answer the call?

Second, and perhaps more conclusively, another whatsapp group member downloaded the spec sheet for a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer.

He says there’s no mention of a USB port.

Was it retrofitted?

Is this just FAKE NEWS?

Should USB ports be a feature of hand dryers, and if so are they a benefit?

The only concrete conclusion Kenna HQ can draw from this sorry episode is it’s been too long since the last pub crawl.

Kenna table week 11

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 11 - 7 November 2017
Kenna table week 11 – 7 November 2017
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Golden age of defending returns

REMEMBER the mid noughties?

The London bombings.

A German pope elected.

Mart Poom going to Arsenal on a six-month loan.

And English teams regularly meeting each other in the latter stages of the Champions League.

With the exception of Poom, it was a time built on strong defence. In fantasy football it was the epoch of clean sheets.

The inaugural winner of the Kenna League boasted John Terry, Steve Finnan, Wes Brown, Kolo Toure and Paul Robinson. At the height of their careers.

Goals were scarce. Clean sheets the norm. The chairman, for it was he, won the title with Darius Vassell in attack and Jermaine Pennant in midfield.

By the end of decade the tide had turned.

Andre Villas Boas crouched on the touchline to watch the once sturdy defence of west London ship them like a online bookshop with an aggressive diversification strategy.

In London pub-based fantasy football it was the time to buy false nines, the trequartistas and Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey.

And so it remained. Until now.

Heading into the first transfer window of the season this Friday, more than half of the top 14 performing players in the Kenna are defensive.

Ben Davies aside, all ply their trade in Manchester.

Several managers have already released players ahead of tomorrow’s midday deadline.

Are they looking for defenders?

With Nathaniel Clyne ‘out for some time’, the chairman certainly is.

Player Position Points Club Position Paid
Lukaku STR 49 Brambler 15th £41m
Kane STR 48 Pikey Scum 1st £40m
Valencia, A DEF 46 Piss Poor 11th £9m
Ben Davies DEF 44 Iniesta 10th £4m
Phil Jones DEF 43 Breivik 14th £0.5m
De Gea GK 43 WNS 16th £8m
Kyle Walker DEF 43 Sporting 2nd £8m
Otamendi DEF 41 Don’t Know Yet 5th £0.5m
Azpilicueta DEF 41 Pikey Scum 1st £18m
de Bruyne MID 40 Lokomotiv 3rd £32m
Bailly DEF 39 Young Boys 8th £5m
Salah MID 39 Sporting 2nd £32m
Stones DEF 38 Cowley 4th £0.5m
Jesus STR 37 Young Boys 8th £31m

Kenna League table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 7 - 3 October 2017
Kenna table week 7 – 3 October 2017
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Analysis: The Romelu Lukaku chant

MANCHESTER United fans have ignored the polite request of Romelu Lukaku and the wrath of Kick It Out campaign to continue singing their controversial chant.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it, terrace ‘wits’ are using a melody from Made of Stone by the Stone Roses to make race-related assertions about the Belgian striker’s manhood.

For chant enthusiasts, comparisons could be made to a video of Manchester United fans chanting about allegations Adam Johnson had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a 15-year-old girl (analysed here two years ago).

At the time, the former Sunderland winger was yet to be convicted.

But while both chants relate to…ahem…Johnsons under scrutiny, in Lukaku’s case defamation is an unlikely issue.

Is any man going to be interviewed outside the Royal Courts of Justice thousands of pounds richer because his penis is smaller than slandered?

In…ahem…short, the Lukaku chant is clearly racist and inappropriate.

But to the chant purist it could beg the question: to what United players could the Made of Stone chant be applied on the grounds of national stereotyping?

Here are some seriously low-quality efforts.

Juan Mata (Spain)

Juan Mata
Likes to chatter
Smokes Ducardos at a bullfight
Doesn’t eat his tea till midnight
Getting the assists
When he talks he lisps

Matteo Darmian (Italy)

Tackler, passer and a shooter
Says ‘Ciao!’ to girls from his scooter
Pressing down the flank
Reversing in his tank

Daley Blind (Netherlands)

Daley Blind
Smoking blim
Useful defensive solution
Relaxed views on prostitution
Tulips, clogs, windmills
Not that good on hills

Sergio Romero (Argentina)

A magician on the goal line
Steak and Malbec every lunchtime
Acrobatic feats
Can’t help it if he cheats

Anthony Martial (France)

He might take a nifty free kick
But his bike’s covered in garlic
Playing on the wing
Can’t resist a fling

Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Armenia)

He’s Armenian
Our state English education
Means we’ve reached the limitation
Of our trivia
It’s bordered by Georgia?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden)

His home country’s rich
Leggy blondes, midsummer parties
Collaborated with the Nazis
Goals and kung fu tough
Saunas in the buff

Michael Carrick (England)

Michael Carrick
Midfield magic
Killer pass he’s always hunting
Local pub’s got George’s bunting
In England he believes
Probably voted Leave

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 26 September 2017
Kenna table week 6 – 26 September 2017
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Wayne Rooney

WATCHING the club’s star striker enter the building from his office window, the manager’s nerves tensed.

Another setback for his team‘s title hopes.

Yet another reminder of just how punishing this league could be.

Nursing the dregs of a Lemon Fanta in his hand, he returned to his desk to wait for his player.

‘Enter,’ he said when the knock on the door came.

Remorse was all over the striker’s face like egg.

‘On my kids’ lives boss, I swear I’ll not get caught again,’ he simpered, hands pressed together, eyebrows on his turnip head pushed up.

Over the next week the whole club would be talking about what the manager said next.

Never one to shy from gossip, his personal assistant, everyone agreed, gave the best account.

‘Enough!’ the manager threw the Fanta can at his player’s head, or at least that what it sounded like from the other side of the door. ‘I’m only in my second season in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and I’m already surrounded by pillocks like you undoing all my best efforts to stay in it. I don’t need your snivelling, I need a striker scoring goals, because at the August auction I got drunk and signed Peter Crouch. I already had Xhedran Shaqiri. That’s two Stoke players. Illegal. Bloody illegal. They took Crouch off me and gave me his bloody wife. His wife! Yes, I’ll admit she’s good for morale in the changing rooms, but everything’s getting slotted except the opposition goal. Furthermore, I bought Xhedran Shaqiri last season so the more I think about it the more it dawns it was an absolute dick move by me. There’s a transfer window on Friday 6 October starting from 6.30 to 7pm (earlier for drinks) where I should be improving my first eleven, but I’m dogged by the memory last year of inadvertently doing a cash-plus deal of Manuel Lanzini and £4m for Stewart Downing. You can guess how that turned out. I haven’t been to a transfer window since. I just sit in here drinking cans of Fanta and wondering why I thought £18m was a good deal for Jamie Vardy. Right now I’m 9th, but this time last year I was 8th and then ended in 15th. So get that bloody rear light fixed on your Volkswagen Beetle – what the hell are you doing driving a Beetle, anyway? – do your community service and start scoring some bloody goals.’

‘Yes, boss,’ said the striker and backed out the room.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 5 - 19 September 2017
Kenna table week 5 – 19 September 2017
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