Cuckoo Lane

Turning into the pathway he stopped still and stared into the black.

Sodium lighting in the street was doing little to penetrate the narrow passage and he could only see a few feet of heavy stone wall disappearing into nothingness.

Straining his ears after the dash along the pavement, urging the blood fizzing around his head to stop, he could only make out distant traffic from the London Road until he heard the faint scrape of a footstep up ahead.

He fished out his phone and flicked on the torch. Slowly at first he advanced, the phone illuminating a small circle of light just in front of him. The ground was littered with leaves in various stages of decay, the gauzy halo of lamplight reflected pale greens, white golds and tans. The foliage tangled with broken twigs and heavy rainfall from earlier in the day, all of which squished underneath his shoes. The smell of wet fauna and the cold, smokey aroma of evenings suddenly lengthened filled the air, and it almost felt like the damp and decomposing vegetation underfoot would seep through his leather soles and up his body, bringing with it anxiety, low self-esteem and a sense of doom lapping at his soul. Doctors might call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Kenna managers knew the sensation simply as ‘the season’.

He ducked under an arched stone bridge, his trepidation and nerves echoing from the grimy walls. Stood upright the other side he paused and listened. Was that another footstep?

He ran. Slowly at first as he bowed to dodge a second arch, but then in full strides, the ends of his breath visible in the jolting ring of torchlight. Hanging birch leaves brushed his head and shoots of ivy lashed his eyes.

If he failed to catch the fleeing form before the end of the lane he knew it would be gone for weeks, only to reappear fleetingly just before the February transfer window.

Surfacing at the other end of the passageway he slowed to the disappointed jog/walk of a commuter styling out just missing the 76 to Waterloo.

That was it. In the quiet street opposite Rowlands Pharmacy – hands on his knees, long deep breaths inflating and collapsing his shoulders – he knew the chase was futile.

The ghost of J Rod’s form had vanished.

Kenna week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 6 - 27 October 2020
Kenna League week 6 – 27 October 2020
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The five worst Kenna auction signings

IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?

For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.

The question is who you shouldn’t buy.

Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.

Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers

A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.

The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.

Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI

It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.

No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.

Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies

A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.

The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.

Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds

It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.

The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.

As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.

Reds are 16th in the league.

Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town

The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.

Kenna League week 5

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna League week 5 - 19 October 2020
Kenna League week 5 – 19 October 2020
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Dyathinkhesaurus?

MESUT Ozil has been disciplined by his club for secretly sending a second to take his place in training sessions.

The German playmaker was found to have paid the club mascot to pretend he was Ozil in a dinosaur suit and attend training on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.

A source at Ozil’s Kenna League club Judean Peoples’ Front says it took two days to uncover to the switch because a middle-aged man in an oversized comedy dinosaur suit shuffling around the training ground so resembled the Ozil the coaching staff have come to know.

‘To be honest we were surprised because he appeared to be putting in some effort for once. We thought he was trying to play his way back into the starting eleven,’ said the source.

‘Mesut Ozil has been suspended pending an internal investigation. It would be inappropriate to comment further while the investigation is underway,’ read a statement from club blazers.

It is thought the club investigation will centre on a tweet by Ozil offering to pay the mascot’s wages.

Judean Peoples’ Front have made a slow start to the season, which stems from the manager’s failure to attend the 12 September auction and have his team hatecrimed by autofill.

Asked about his ambitions for the campaign, another JPF midfielder Gareth Bale said: ‘Could you pass my six iron?’

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 4 – 6 October 2020
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Hatecrimed by the autofill

YOU could almost pity the fantasy football managers absent from the Kenna auction who left their teams to be picked by autofill.

There are many reasons those regular attendees were unable to take part in the live event, which was delayed a month by sentient 5G masts.

Among the excuses there was the Lokomotiv Leeds manager’s house move, whatever the vice chairman was doing travelling slowly east through Turkey, and a child’s birthday for which the JPF manager has been summoned to Kenna HQ for a ‘priorities’ meeting.

So you could almost feel sorry for the four managers who couldn’t even dial in for a few minutes to stop all their whole starting XI get hatecrimed by the autofill. Almost. But there are two reasons why there is no pity.

First, given the infamous bureaucracy of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league the autofill didn’t happen for a week or so after the auction proper.

Which meant post-auction imports Thiago and Gareth Bale were part of the pick, so two of the four absent managers have world-class talent in their ranks alongside the usual mix of squad players, tweaked groins and Ahmed El Mohamady.

After some jostling on the Kenna Whatsapp group, the powers that be declared Thiago and Bale ‘on loan’, which means they’ll be released at the February transfer with only £0.5m going to their respective managers. Like unfortunate inhabitants of Epstein Island, those in charge want the talent to be part of the action, but also want them to make themselves available to Prince Andrew when the time comes.

Overall, though, those two managers who couldn’t be bothered to attend have done well. When the loan solution was first proposed, the chairman had to put down a minor insurrection from a poor man’s Tony Greig threatening to form a breakaway league. Oddly enough, now poor man’s Tony Greig is 38 points clear at the top of the table not another peep has been heard from him at Kenna HQ.

The remaining two sides have no stand out players to make loanees. Alex Iwobi? Bobby De Cordova-Reid? Dwight Gayle? Kepa? Punishment enough, one might assume.

But the league has devised an even more tortuous, slow-burn forfeit to choose their loan players. Just ahead of the much-feted February transfer window the remaining two managers will be subjected to the Wheel of Misfortune.

All eleven players from each team will be entered into an online wheel spin to determine the loan player. By that point a Dennis Praet or a Jorginho could be a valuable asset, and auction attendees can bathe in the schadenfreude of seeing them made available at the window.

You could almost feel sorry for those two managers. But then you remember the second reason why not. The fuss they tried make.

If you don’t turn up to the auction and then try to influence decisions about your autofilled team… well, it’s like standing up a third date and then wondering why the following Sunday with a severe case of Kežman’s Nostril they won’t respond to your 4am booty call.

Kenna League week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League – 29 September 2020
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Martin – nez or nelli?

EVEN the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league is not beyond the reach of a global pandemic.

Usually, 20 managers gathering in a boozer to run an auction is enough to socially distance them from anyone who isn’t a ranting nutcase, a drunk dwarf or landlord with a ringing till.

Two weeks ago the league was forced to into the remote world of video conferencing.

But Kenna managers are a worldly bunch, and far from wholly unfamiliar with shutting themselves away in a dark room to stare at people performing strange acts online for hours on end.

The weirdest act of the auction came early in the day. Six managers who had gathered outside one household – which came to be known as ‘the garden’ – witnessed first hand one of the most unprovoked and suicidal acts of Brambling the league has seen for many a year (excluding the Pirate).

Having picked up midfielder Willian at a snip in opening game of chance The Wheel of Misfortune, the Walthamstow Reds manager then bid for and bought fellow Gooner Gabriel Martinelli, triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit for buying two players from the same club.

Once the schadenfreude has subsided and Willian replaced by Bill Cosby, the Reds manager appeared unable to account for his actions.

He said he thought he’d bought goalkeeper Emilio Martinelli, another Gooner who would have also lost him Willian.

“It was remarkable,” said the chairman. “There I was auctioning Martinez to a man who had just bought Willian. All through the bidding the Reds manager appeared confused, like he couldn’t stop himself from making this Kepa.”

Rumours immediately began circulating the Reds manager’s bulk order of six per cent Buxton beers may have been behind his peculiar error.

In other news, the Pirate now has Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Neilsen in attack after spinning The Wheel of Misfortune in a game of ‘North London’s finest’.

The two players the Somali missed out on – Aubameyang and Kane – ended up going to defending cup holders Clotted Cream First for £41m and £37m respectively.

After picking up Kyle Walker for £9m, the Cream boss rung off ‘the phones’ and left his side to autofill.

“People have tried to win the Kenna with two expensive strikers and dross. For all the good it’s done them they may as well have shoved it up their nose,” said a chalkstripe from the Kenna speculations department before entering a pub toilet.

Kenna League week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League - 21 September 2020
Kenna League – 21 September 2020
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Final 2019/20 scores and prizes

THE final Sunday of the Kenna season was billed as a tense standoff between three clubs competing for glory.

The Chairman’s XI, Dynamo Charlton, Test Team (please ignore).

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

As the sun beat down, the trio faced each other. Sweat trickling down faces. Fingers twitching over holsters. Ennio Morricone’s score ratcheting up the tension. The stage set for an epic showdown.

But in the end Clint Eastwood’s gun goes off too soon and takes out his big toe, Eli Wallach suffers a coronary and Lee Van Cleef has only to stare intently over his moustache as Kevin De Bruyne and Pierre-Emeric Aubameyang ram it home against lacklustre opposition.

For the Dynamo Charlton manager has become the 11th gun to win the Kenna title.

The loan player system introduced this season played right into the Dynamo manager’s parsimonious hands.

Infamously frugal at auction, the Dynamo boss walked out of The Albion onto Ludgate Circus in August with £46.5m left in the bank.

In previous seasons, his tightfisted approach was enough to sign sparse talent available at each transfer window, but not enough to win with them.

With loan players flooding transfer windows this season it was easy pickings.

Disappointed not to be claiming a record third title, the chairman had hoped Willian starting at Wembley would be enough to earn him second place. The Brazilian started and finished the game in the stands. And then changed London postcode.

Test Team (please ignore) prevailed in the runners up spot, but the polite request in the name to overlook the side’s efforts means the manager’s £70 prize pot is donated to the Kenna Foundation.

Clotted Cream First became the first side to retain the cup, albeit in a bastardised pandemic version.

Barry Town scooped the Wenger Trophy, Jamie Vardy, Granit Xhaka and George Baldock springing to life for project restart.

One manager you’d expect to turn the suffering and death of millions of people to his advantage, noticeably failed to do so. The Dark Lord‘s form was flying between Christmas and March, thanks to Teemu Pukki, Richarlison and Patrick Van Aanholt, but the team were miserable this summer.

Only one club were worse – Turnpike Pirates – and they finished bottom of the league, relegated for the third time in their history. It still won’t be the last time someone signs Michy Batshuayi.

Kenna managers now have just 26 days to prepare for next season’s auction, which is will be run remotely for the first time.

Prize money

Dynamo Charlton – £190 (Champions: £150, MOTM x4: £40)

Clotted Cream First – £75 (Cup winner)

Test Team (please ignore) – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTM x2: £20)

Barry Town – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)

Chairman – £10 (MOTM: £10)

Dagger’n’Redbridge – £10 (MOTM: £10)

Still Don’t Know Yet – £10 (MOTM: £10)

Kenna season 15 – 2019/20 – Final table

Full scores available from The Rub.

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Like no other pub ever

BACK in the days when only highwaymen wore masks and before Kenna HQ installed a Batphone to the local Majestic, Kenna League managers went to pubs.

Since the Kenna was founded in 2005 there have been many Kenna managers who have each visited many pubs.

Even if you just count the number of pubs visited by Kenna managers competing this season, that’s 22 managers and hundreds, probably thousands, of pubs between them.

They will have seen and experienced every type of pub.

City pubs, country pubs, gastro pubs, craft beer pubs, hipster pubs, old man pubs, dog on a string pubs, pubs masquerading as private clubs, (mainly faux) Victorian pubs, pubs that used to be theatres or train stations which have stopped selling Jagerbombs for political reasons, pubs with yesterday’s hand dryer in the gents, pubs with tomorrow’s hand dryer in the gents, pubs with no hand dryer in the gents, ‘bridge and tunnel’ pubs, rough pubs, theme pubs, wannabe gangster pubs, pubs on ring roads serving overcooked slices of beef, foreign pubs run by questionable Englishmen, pubs where pints are discounted during live football matches, LGBT pubs, mews pubs, pubs with mock chalkboard point-of-sale marketing, après ski happy hour pubs, council estate pubs, pubs where the quality of the beer in no way warrants the price yet still you put more pound coins into a handled pint glass circulated by women with exactly five items of clothing including each shoe, and last but not least London pubs.

But there’s one pub across whose threshold a Kenna manager has never passed.

It has all those pub features which either endear or annoy the tippler, depending on how many pints down.

On the outside there are misted windows, which would give the pub a conspiratorial air if it wasn’t for two men swaying by the door whose total collection of clothes is worth less than the pouch of contraband tobacco from which they’ve made rollies to smoke.

One of the windows is decorated with the logos of sports broadcasters who have long passed into receivership.

The door is so heavy anyone arriving with a friend inadvertently slams it in their face upon entering. There’s a small glass entrance box on the inside so all the regulars can watch you and your friend make a pig’s ear with the door.

There are no hooks under the bar to hang coats. There are stools by the bar, but the regulars perch on them even during Friday night and Saturday afternoon peak times – when there should really be one more member of bar staff on – so queuing for a drink is as much fun as digging your own grave at gunpoint.

Out back is a bigger room which doesn’t know if it’s catering to disciples of Super Sunday or families eating Sunday lunch so it’s an unsatisfying experience for all involved, particularly when two men start shooting pool at the table in front of the big screen during a match.

The ‘craft’ option was brewed in the same premises as the mass market beers also on offer. Gin and tonic is served in a Paris goblet with a slice of lemon stored in a viscous substance. No one drinks the wine.

Like most of the locals, the Warner Howard in the gents has developed emphysema. And it’s not the best place to wear flip flops.

But there is one feature of this pub no Kenna manager has ever experienced before.

It’s the only boozer ever in the ken of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league where a genuine trio of league title chasers has emerged at the tail end of the season. This pub is called….

The Three Horses

Dynamo (1,205 points)Test Team (1,192)Chairman (1,188)
Pope – 9Pickford – 9Patricio – 9
D Sanchez – 8Alderweireld – 8Schar – 0
Coleman – 5Ogbonna – 2Cathcart – 0
Pereira – 0Zinchenko – 4Diop – 2
Gomez – 1J Ward – 2Mee – 0
Deulofeu – 0Grealish – 4WILLIAN – 7
Almiron – 4Pereyra – 2Bruno F – 15
KDB – 10Salah – 2Buendia – -1
Bowen – 5Ward-Prowse – 3Tielemens – 2
AUBAMEYANG – 15Jiminez – 12DCL – 3
Samatta – 4Rashford – 12King – 4
Week – 61Week – 60Week 43
Total – 1,205Total – 1,192Total – 1,188
Players in BOLD have two games remaining

Kenna League table – two weeks to go

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League - 23 July 2020
Kenna League – 23 July 2020

Coronavirus Cup final this weekend

Bala Rinas v Clotted Cream First

Cup holders Clotted Cream First (275 points) have had the edge in form over Bala Rinas (234) in Project Restart, with loan players Raheem Sterling and Andrew Robertson proving useful additions in the February transfer window.

Bala Rinas look to Matt Doherty, Enda Stevens and Son Heung-Min to continue their streaks and compete for the league treasurer’s first piece of silverware.

No one’s every retained the cup, but the chalkstripes in the Kenna HQ speculations department are tipping the Clotted Cream manager to become the first.

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The Cardinal Richelieu role

THE FIFA ethics committee has been put on high alert after the Kenna chairman took a one point lead in the table and his cousin booked a place in a second consecutive cup final.

The Clotted Cream First manager is also godfather to the chairman’s son – the de facto ‘future chairman’ – sparking much intrigue in the corridors of Kenna HQ about his potential in the ‘Cardinal Richelieu role’.

The chairman scoffed at the rumours: ‘The cunning and intelligence of Cardinal Richelieu? On that side of the family?’

The vice chairman, as usual, was outraged: ‘There’s only one manager who’ll be grooming Young Boys in this league.’

Clotted Cream First beat Dynamo Charlton by a whopping 105 points to 48 in their semi final fixture this week, ending Dynamo’s tilt at a league and cup double.

Dynamo are still just one point behind the Chairman’s XI in the league, but will rue a week in which their star player Kevin De Bruyne was involved in just one of his side’s last 10 goals.

In third place, Test Team (please ignore) – who led the league for most of 2020 – are 12 points off Dynamo to form the first ever three horse race for a Kenna title.

Should the chairman prevail, he will become the first manager in Kenna history to win the league three times.

At the other end of table, defending champions Walthamstow Reds slipped one place nearer to the relegation zone.

Usually 36 points from the bottom four with two weeks to go would be a good cushion, but with so many matches before the end of the season, and Joelinton and Moise Kean up front, Reds could become the first defending champions to be relegated.

In the Coronavirus Cup final next weekend (not this), Clotted Cream First will face the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Even with an empty trophy cabinet, the treasurer is keeping a low profile at the prospect of silverware this season in case anyone looks too closely at why all the league finances are in his wife’s name.

Kenna League table – three weeks to go

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League - 14 July 2020
Kenna League – 14 July 2020

Coronavirus Cup – semi final results

Bala Rinas 69 – 37 Lowry Travel Tavern

Dynamo Charlton 48 – 105 Clotted Cream First

Final – 28 July 2020

Bala Rinas v Clotted Cream First

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Always the bridesmaid

The cell was dark. Dawn was at least an hour away.

She pondered on the course of events that led her here.

The girls. The private islands. Jeffery Epstein. Was he still a Bramble player for So Good They Named Him Twice?

There was a moment in Florida when she was forcing a teenage girl to give Jeffery a foot massage that she wondered if her life was taking the right course. Of course, it was, she thought, I’m Ghislaine Maxwell. Everyone is wrong and I’m right. This prison cell is evidence of that. I should be on a luxury ranch in New Hampshire. It was the system that was wrong. God, back in the 90s if you had wealth and privilege you could slap around who you liked. What was wrong with the world now? Thank God daddy didn’t get a statue built of himself.

She was lying on a thin mattress supported by a tiled rectangle structure jutted out along one wall of the room. What passed for a window were some glass blocks built into the wall. It reminded her of the changing rooms at the Manor Ground in Headington back in the 80s.

The world was simpler place then. She was director of daddy’s football team and they got promoted twice in two seasons to reach the First Division. She went to parties in London in the week, the creme de la creme, and the football on Saturday. She could treat the Great Unwashed exactly how she liked. There were no finger pointing little slags back then.

These memories flooded back to her as she heard a pipe dripping somewhere and the other prisoners snores and groans.

She froze. Her eyes were closed but she could feel someone close by. There was an intense smell of leather and she guessed a gloved hand was covering her mouth. She opened her eyes.

Inches from her face was the head of a figure. At least that’s what she could see with one eye. Her other eye stared into the barrel of a suppressed 9mm pistol.

The intruder’s face looked Anglo-Saxon. He had dark, thick hair, a pale face and penetrating eyes.

He gestured he would remove his hand from her mouth and to be quiet. She moved her head slightly to show she would comply. As he took his hand away she whispered: ‘The palace?’

He shook his head. She took it as a sign to guess again.

‘It can’t be. It can’t,’ she whispered in exasperation. ‘Why?’

‘They have a bet,’ replied the stranger. His English was accented and she could tell he was German but had spent time in the south east of England.

‘A what?’ she replied incredulous someone would toy with her, her!, like this.

‘A bet. I’m here to make sure you stay alive for the next…’ the gun barrel flicked up slightly as he checked his watch ‘…13 minutes.’

‘What happens then?’ she couldn’t help asking.

‘Then you do it yourself.’

Looking at her one eye all the time and without lowering the gun he pressed something into her hand. It was cold. It could be a small piece of metal.

They were both still. Time passed. The light in the glass blocks got greyer.

Eventually the stranger gave her nod and stood back. She knew it was pointless to resist. The blade was sharp in her fingers. She took one last look at the man and then drew the blade across her wrist.

As her consciousness faded she thought back to those simpler times. The 80s. London parties. Jim Smith lifting the Third Division championship trophy.

The intruder took a phone from his pocket and tapped the screen before slipping from the cell.

Thousands of miles away in the Kenna HQ manager experiences department a man read out: ‘It’s done. Time of death 6.03am.’

The chairman sipped his Grasshopper and said: ‘Michael Ballack. Always the bridesmaid.’

Then he looked at the Kenna table and all thoughts of the Maxwell woman melted away.

Winning a bet with the vice chairman was one thing. Becoming the first manager to win the Kenna League three times was quite something else.

He didn’t want to end up like Ballack or Maxwell.

Kenna League – two weeks to go

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League - 7 July 2020
Kenna League – 7 July 2020

Coronavirus Cup – quarter final results

Cowley Casuals 33 – 34 Bala Rinas

Dynamo Charlton 73 – 19 Young Boys

Clotted Cream First 50 – 40 Magpies

Daggers 30 – 39 Lowry Travel Tavern

Semi final fixtures

Bala Rinas v Lowry Travel Tavern

Dynamo Charlton v Clotted Cream First

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Violent shitness

The Kenna League chairman has called Professor Thomas Chamberlain from the Lyle Centre to help find 12 months of missing posts from the Kenna blog. Chamberlain sends Dr Nikki Alexander and Jack Hodgson to Kenna HQ. They are with the chairman in his executive office.

NIKKI: I can see this body’s been here for quite some time. Let me get my big camera with the circle light on the end.

CHAIRMAN: That’s not why I asked you here. The last 12 months of Kenna blog content has gone missing.

NIKKI: But there’s a dead body in the corner of your office. It looks to have been decomposing for nearly a decade. There are blow flies here so long they’ve chalked out some football pitches and are on the second four-year cycle of their own World Cup. Who is it?

CHAIRMAN: That’s just the spirit of the Kenna. It died at the 2012 Euros auction when the Dark Lord unmasked himself as the tactical Brambler.

JACK: Let’s take a closer look at your desk.

CHAIRMAN: What’s that you’re holding?

JACK: It shines UV light to find evidence. It’s a called a jizzlamp.

CHAIRMAN: I’d rather you didn’t….

Jack switches on the device

NIKKI: Good God!

JACK: The jizzlamp doesn’t lie.

CHAIRMAN: Ignore those stains. They’re nothing to do with the missing Kenna posts. They’re to do with a website that’s unrelated.

JACK: Unrelated how? Like a stepmom?

NIKKI: Or a MILF?

CHAIRMAN: That website material is nothing to do with this.

JACK: I need to get Clarissa on the blower.

CHAIRMAN: Well, it certainly wasn’t that sort of content.

JACK: Hi, I’m going to send you some data from the Kenna HQ porn laptop.

CLARISSA (on speakerphone): Interesting.

CHAIRMAN: Why are you calling it the porn laptop?

JACK: Because the jizzlamp doesn’t lie.

CLARISSA: I’ve run the data you sent. There are about 50 posts. Most of them appear to have been about someone called the Dark Lord.

NIKKI: The tactical Brambler.

JACK: Nikki, this really isn’t the episode to develop a love interest.

NIKKI: Don’t worry about me. I’m still seeing that Yank.

CHAIRMAN: Alexi Lalas?

ALEXA: Playing The La’s, There She Goes

JACK: Heroine. Here, in your desk drawer.

CHAIRMAN: It’s morphine. It belonged to my father. Mixed with beer, wine, gin and tonic, cognac, tobacco, diazepam and a changing family dynamic it’s actually quite useful for the early stages of bereavement.

CLARISSA: I found something here about football chants.

CHAIRMAN: Oh yes, I published some chants based on Newcastle United and the potential takeover by….of course!

JACK: What?

CHAIRMAN: The Saudis. Don’t you see?

NIKKI: See what? A dead body in the corner of your office and a desk that looks like a painter’s radio?

CHAIRMAN: It was the bloody Saudis! Those thin-skinned tyrants. They must have deleted all that content because they were offended by the football chants.

CLARISSA: Before you get carried away, may I ask if you ever backed up the Kenna website?

CHAIRMAN: What’s that?

CLARISSA: From what I can see here you didn’t back up your site before changing your hosting arrangements.

CHAIRMAN: No, it must have been the Saudis. I bet they’re working with vice chairman. That rat.

NIKKI: Didn’t the vice chairman come up in a toxicology report a couple of summers ago?

JACK: The whole league did, after the Dmitri Kharine Russia World Cup auction.

CLARISSA: Mr chairman, you didn’t back up your site. That’s why the posts have gone. It’s nothing to do with the Saudis.

CHAIRMAN: Then why did I receive this invitation to the Saudi consulate in the post today?

JACK: That’s a receipt from your local butcher.

CHAIRMAN: The swine.

Kenna League – three weeks to go

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna League – Tuesday 30 June 2020

Coronavirus Cup – last 16 results

Test Team 57 – 45 Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton 66 – 46 Hairy Fadjeetas

Clotted Cream First 46 – 40 TNS

Barry Town 43 – 75 Daggers

JPF 30 – 43 Lowry Travel Tavern

Fat Ladies 43 – 43 Magpies (Magpies progress as they less players who scored no points)

So Good 46 – 68 Young Boys

Bala Rinas 51 – 44 Pikey Scum

Quarter final fixtures

Cowley Casuals v Bala Rinas

Dynamo Charlton v Young Boys

Clotted Cream First v Magpies

Daggers v Lowry Travel Tavern

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