Wayne Rooney

WATCHING the club’s star striker enter the building from his office window, the manager’s nerves tensed.

Another setback for his team‘s title hopes.

Yet another reminder of just how punishing this league could be.

Nursing the dregs of a Lemon Fanta in his hand, he returned to his desk to wait for his player.

‘Enter,’ he said when the knock on the door came.

Remorse was all over the striker’s face like egg.

‘On my kids’ lives boss, I swear I’ll not get caught again,’ he simpered, hands pressed together, eyebrows on his turnip head pushed up.

Over the next week the whole club would be talking about what the manager said next.

Never one to shy from gossip, his personal assistant, everyone agreed, gave the best account.

‘Enough!’ the manager threw the Fanta can at his player’s head, or at least that what it sounded like from the other side of the door. ‘I’m only in my second season in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and I’m already surrounded by pillocks like you undoing all my best efforts to stay in it. I don’t need your snivelling, I need a striker scoring goals, because at the August auction I got drunk and signed Peter Crouch. I already had Xhedran Shaqiri. That’s two Stoke players. Illegal. Bloody illegal. They took Crouch off me and gave me his bloody wife. His wife! Yes, I’ll admit she’s good for morale in the changing rooms, but everything’s getting slotted except the opposition goal. Furthermore, I bought Xhedran Shaqiri last season so the more I think about it the more it dawns it was an absolute dick move by me. There’s a transfer window on Friday 6 October starting from 6.30 to 7pm (earlier for drinks) where I should be improving my first eleven, but I’m dogged by the memory last year of inadvertently doing a cash-plus deal of Manuel Lanzini and £4m for Stewart Downing. You can guess how that turned out. I haven’t been to a transfer window since. I just sit in here drinking cans of Fanta and wondering why I thought £18m was a good deal for Jamie Vardy. Right now I’m 9th, but this time last year I was 8th and then ended in 15th. So get that bloody rear light fixed on your Volkswagen Beetle – what the hell are you doing driving a Beetle, anyway? – do your community service and start scoring some bloody goals.’

‘Yes, boss,’ said the striker and backed out the room.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 5 - 19 September 2017
Kenna table week 5 – 19 September 2017
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Klünter #FCK

THE result of last night’s Europa League game between Arsenal and FC Köln is immaterial. 

Instead many people will remember the occasion for the 20,000 Germans who tipped up in central London and stopped traffic. Much to the delight of social media and the surprise of police.

Belting out something in supposedly Rhine Valley accented German, FC Köln fans were recorded in a number of scenarios from marching through Soho…

…to doing a thunderclap outside the Oxford Street branch of Matalan.

Fans then headed north to the Emirates to delay kick off by an hour. High spirits or hooliganism? It feels sensationalist to call it the latter.

But overall many will remember the game for the tremendous support.

The enlightened few, however, will remember it for number 24 on the FC Köln team sheet: Lukas Klünter.

There have been many outstanding names to emerge from Teutonic football. Stefan Kuntz, Julian Draxler and Pascal Zuberbühler to name but three.

Lukas Klünter though. It’s so delicious.

Even with limited knowledge of German pronunciation the umlaut on the ‘ü’ makes it sound like ‘Kloonter’.

Better though is saying it with the flat ‘u’ in English. Klunter.

Should the young defender progress to Die Mannschaft at a future tournament and be involved in either end of a career-ending tackle, surely his name will immediately pass into the English dictionary: ‘Ooh, that was a real Klunter.’

Marvelous.

Klünter has only made 12 appearances for FC Köln first team so far (last night he was subbed off for an attacker as his side chased the game), but we hope to see his name for many years to come.

Or at least until a cheap replica shirt is available on the internet.

Kenna League table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 4 - 12 September 2017
Kenna table week 4 – 12 September 2017
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Roberto Firmino

Rifles once more the ball into the net,

Or sets another up to do the same,

Brazil’s fair crop of talent again yet

Enlivens North West England’s pressing game.

Roberto’s entry into Europe’s sphere,

To ply his silky skills next to the Rhine,

Oft saw defenders ever more in fear,

Forthwith he is a genuine false nine.

In fantasy his season’s started well

Reaping more than seven league points a week.

Much joy the Lokomotiv fans will tell

In sitting high upon the Kenna’s peak.

Never have they enjoyed a title’s glow

Out seldom from mid-table’s end they go.

Kenna table week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 3 - 29 August 2017
Kenna table week 3 – 29 August 2017
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Toby Alderweireld

THE glory days of La Liga titles and Champions League finals are a distant memory for Toby Alderweireld.

On the evening of the Kenna League auction 14 days ago, the Belgian defender became the Sleptember XI manager’s most expensive signing at £18m.

But any hopes of improving on Sleptember’s debut sixth-place finish last season look short lived. The club are propping up the table.

Yaya Toure, Deigo Costa, Fernando Llorente, Adam Lallana, Marcus Rojo and Scott Malone are all yet to start for the club.

Alderweireld is among four players to enjoy some game time, although while Etienne Capoue and Darren Fletcher have produced humble returns, goalkeeper Joe Hart is on a season total of minus one point.

Legions of fans have been critical of the manager’s recruitment policy.

Diego Costa is a case in point.

Every other manager at the auction suppressed snickers of schadenfreude as the Sleptember manager engaged in a small bidding war for lot number 14.

Remaining deadpan while a competitor throws away his budget on a player unlikely to play in England again is a challenge for even the most seasoned Kenna manager.

What thigh-slapping relief when the Sleptember manager didn’t catch on and signed Costa for £15m!

Events must have taken a toll on the unfortunate Sleptember boss.

Inhibited by the Costa blunder, Sleptember went on to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling.

Remember Stan Collymore? No longer a striker with a wayward personal life, Collymore is now a broadcaster and journalist with a more balanced personal life.

Except, given the events in Royal Tunbridge Wells this weekend, one wonders whether Stan The Man is slipping into old habits.

Locals appear to have been vindicated in their protest against Flamefest sex festival in Kent, where one unfortunate man was pronounced dead and a woman went to hospital.

‘Discreet’ adult play area staffed by dominatrices and an outdoor dungeon. For Toby Alderweireld the October transfer window can’t come soon enough.

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 2 - 22 August 2017
Kenna table week 2 – 22 August 2017
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Mohamed Salah

Memories of Mohamed Salah’s mediocre first spell in England were brushed aside this weekend with a goal and assist in the first game of the season.

Of course, it was a weight off the Egyptian’s mind.

Helping his new club Sporting Lesbian to the top of the Kenna League, Salah was only too pleased to recall the moment he found out he was moving back to London.

“Ahhh, I remember it well! It was during the physical act of love,” he overshared.

“My agent phoned so I immediately pulled out and took the call. When I found out I’d been signed for £32m in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league I couldn’t contain myself.”

Egyptian cotton, fortunately, washes well at high temperatures.

During his first training session for Sporting, Salah was pleased to find new teammates in Alexandre Lacazette and Henrikh Mkhitaryan, but confused by the dressing-room presence of Bill Cosby.

Sporting Lesbian’s manager was on hand to explain.

Apparently, Salah learned, the Sporting boss had broken the Titus Bramble ruling at the auction. An illegal player was removed and replaced with ‘a dud’. He was not the only manager to make that mistake.

“Laugh at Cosby’s amusing facial expressions,” advised Salah’s new manager.

“Allow yourself to be entertained by his Dr Cliff Huxtable routines,” the manager continued.

“He offers you an OJ, though, refuse outright. There are some things even a 90 degree wash cannot eradicate.”

Kenna table – week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 1 - 15 August 2017
Kenna table week 1 – 15 August 2017
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‘Pies finally get to eat cake

TWELVE long seasons have passed for the Thieving Magpies manager.

He’s watched everyone from the chairman to the Fat Ladies manager, Young Boys to the Tactical Brambler lift the Kenna League title.

All the while the ‘Pies boss toiled away trying to find success with English footballers.

Three years ago he changed tack, went foreign and almost cracked it.

But it was only to revert to type at the second transfer window, selling Samir Nasri in favour of Andros Townsend.

It was a cruel booby prize: runner up to the Tactical Brambler.

This season was different. Yaya Toure, Alexis Sanchez and Dimitri Payet snapped up at the August auction.

Cakes, toys and prams.

The ‘Pies manager had gone diva.

It paid off. And Sanchez topped a superb, if moody, season with 12 points on Saturday.

What four weeks ago was being hailed as one of the closest Kenna title races ever ended this week with ‘Pies holding a 59-point gap over his nearest rival.

What’s more, it’s the same manager who beat him by a 61-point margin three years ago.

Prize money – total pot £400

Thieving Magpies – league winners (£150), MOTM x3 (£5 each) = £165

FC Testiculadew – runners up (£75), MOTM x2 (£5 each) = £85

Burqini Pool Party – third (£50) = £50

So Good They Named Him Twice – Wenger Trophy (£25), MOTM x1 (£5) = £30

Adam Johnson Fan Club – Narcozep Cup winners (£50) = £50

MOTMs (£5 each) – ISIL, Sporting Lesbian, Dynamo Charlton, Northern Monkeys

Kenna table – 30 May 2017 – final standings

Kenna table - 30 May 2017 - final standings
Kenna table – 30 May 2017 – final standings
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Pies all but champions, chairman wins cup

IT’S been a week to remember for two founding fathers of the Kenna, and one to forget for another.

The Thieving Magpies manager put 52 points between his side and FC Testiculadew.

The gap turns Saturday’s final game of the season into a procession for the ‘Pies boss, who should lift his maiden piece of silverware in 12 seasons.

Meanwhile the chairman, no stranger to glory although someone less charitable may say it’s been a while, won his third knockout cup in 12 seasons.

Cowley Casuals midfielders Kevin De Bruyne (18 points) and Son Heung-Min (20) put in creditable performances but it wasn’t enough to win the Narcozep Cup final.

The chairman’s team Adam Johnson Fan Club were inspired to the win by Sergio Aguero (26) and Victor Wanyama (18).

Success for two managers who helped to found the Kenna League in August 2005 will surely bring particular consternation for one man.

The Walthamstow Reds manager is now the only person to compete in every season of the Kenna without winning a trophy.

Elsewhere in the league, debutants So Good They Named Him Twice will likely have to settle for the coveted Wenger Trophy.

Burqini Pool Party should finish just above in third, unless So Good They Named Him Twice defender Marcus Alonso overturns the Kenna League Fake Sheikh’s 12-point lead on Saturday.

With four teams facing relegation this term, Pikey Scum have a slim five-point cushion over Northern Monkeys.

Neither team have anyone left to play, so Scum’s safety could be under threat from some penalty shootout heroics from Judean Peoples’ Front goalkeeper Petr Cech.

Kenna table week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 37 - 23 May 2017
Kenna table week 37 – 23 May 2017

Narcozep Cup Final result

Adam Johnson Fan Club 62 – Cowley Casuals 48

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Pies eye fairytale ending

ALEXIS Sanchez notched two goals and two assists to send Thieving Magpies 18 points clear at the top of the Kenna League.

It’s difficult to see how FC Testiculadew can mount a challenge from here. Zlatan is on the physio table, Eden Hazard is metaphorically on holiday (pictured) and only one weekend of full fixtures left of the season.

But if there’s one thing the Kenna has taught, it’s don’t rule out the man they call the Tactical Brambler.

One matter Kenna managers can rule out is everyone will be able to attend August’s auction.

Kenna HQ has been agonising over a date for the 13th edition of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

“The usual venue isn’t available for Saturday 12 August,” said the chairman in a press conference today.

“Charts and graphs are also unavailable for that date, so we’re looking at ‘going retro’ with an auction on the evening of Friday 4 August.”

An evening auction would signify a return to the roots of the Kenna.

Short on time, high on octane and loaded with the potential for Titus Bramble forfeits many would welcome the return of a Friday night bash, even if the adult playing cards went missing in the back of a taxi three years ago.

Kenna table week 36

Kenna table week 36 - 16 May 2017
Kenna table week 36 – 16 May 2017

Narcozep Cup Final – this weekend

Cowley Casuals v Adam Johnson Fan Club

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Title race tighter than a teen behind a Teeside takeaway

THE closest Kenna League title race in history is going right down to the wire.

After 35 weeks of competitive London pub-based fantasy football just a point separates FC Testiculadew and Thieving Magpies.

FCT had retaken the top spot this time last week and opened an 11-point gap.

But a brace from Sam Vokes, a goal from Salomon Rondon and assists from Pedro and Yaya Toure saw Thieving Magpies go within one point of the leaders.

The title could come down to a single match in three weeks time where the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are backing Pies (Pedro and Sanchez) over FCT (Hazard and Iwobi).

In the Narcozep Cup, the Kenna League chairman is in with a chance of winning a knockout tournament for a record third time after progressing past Burqini Pool Party.

The chairman’s side, Adam Johnson Fan Club, is facing Team Panda in the final in two weeks time in what’s being billed as the Rumble In Steve Ward’s Jumble.

Top three closest Kenna title races

  1. 2007/08 – 17 points: Fat Ladies over Recreativo Brockley – Ronaldo and Drogba win their second successive Kenna campaign at a different club
  2. 2014/15 – 22 points: Sporting Lesbian over Cowley Casuals – At the time the proximity of first and second in the table was of less concern than the Adam Johnson football chants
  3. 2008/09 – 28 points: Dynamo Temple over Nasmanian Devils – Dynamo won the league spending less than £9m per player in August and without turning up to a single window.

Kenna table week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 35 - 9 May 2017
Kenna table week 35 – 9 May 2017

Narcozep Cup semi final second leg results

Cowley 38 (72) v Panda 34 (76)

AJFC 37 (81) v Burqini 26 (71)

Narcozep Cup Final – 23 May 2017

Adam Johnson Fan Club v Team Panda

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Accidental kingmaker

KENNA League title races have never been so seesaw.

Even without the injured David Silva and Zlatan, FC Testiculadew reclaimed the top spot with notable performances from Eden Hazard (14) and Calum Chambers (13).

Thieving Magpies had a respectable week, but word in the Kenna HQ charts and graphs office is the manager is ‘bottling it’.

Another piece of tittle tattle from that department is worthy of report.

Calculations show the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager made a decision at the February transfer window to set off a cataclysmic consequences for the title race.

In selling Joshua King, the Pirate made space to buy Daniel Sturridge and therefore lose Gini Wijnaldum under the Titus Bramble ruling.

The 112 points difference made to the Somali’s season would have put his side right in the middle of the title race.

Furthermore, who should snap up the subsequent 44 points of Wijnaldum to put himself in the mix?

The Tactical Brambler.

Kenna table week 34

Kenna table week 34 - 2 May 2017
Kenna table week 34 – 2 May 2017

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg results

Cowley 34 v Panda 42

AJFC 44 v Burqini 45

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