Charge your phone on a hand dryer? USB joking

YOU may have noticed every pub crawl organised by the Kenna includes a full down rundown of hand dryers in the gents.

You may have wondered why.

Well, there’s a simple reason. It’s an enigma.

Kenna research is conclusive. No scientific relation exists between the quality of a pub and the quality of its hand drying facilities.

The Croydon Tram pub crawl is a fine example.

The 21 Club in New Addington had shell suits, mullets, Argos gold, kids playing pool and 90s lager on tap.

It was unfriendly. It was Shameless

But this, the most base level of drinking establishment, had a Dyson Airblade.

At the other end of the spectrum, the Inspector Morse Oxford pub crawl.

The Eagle & Child on St Giles has been frequented by some of the world’s finest scholars, and boasts JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis among former regulars.

But all that prestige and sophistication vanishes with their pathetic hand dryer and the image of Morse, after a heavy setback in the investigation, muttering his way through a trouser wipe.

All of which means there was palpable excitement today in the corridors of Kenna HQ when a new hand dryer innovation was rumoured.

A photo appeared in a whatsapp group. An acquaintance claimed their new workplace washroom device – a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer – had USB ports.

‘USB ports! What witchcraft is this?’ was the kind of utterance whispered in the labyrinthine departments and committee rooms of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league administrative hub.

In a fit of excitement, Kenna HQ reached out to other hand dryer enthusiasts on social media.

Excitement spread.

Could this be the end of…

But then two things happened.

First of all, upon further rumination the denizens of Kenna HQ began to question the benefits of a USB port on a hand dryer.

Was it secure? 

Could a phone thief catch you, literally, with your pants down?

And how much can a phone charge in the time it takes to, ahem, answer the call?

Second, and perhaps more conclusively, another whatsapp group member downloaded the spec sheet for a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer.

He says there’s no mention of a USB port.

Was it retrofitted?

Is this just FAKE NEWS?

Should USB ports be a feature of hand dryers, and if so are they a benefit?

The only concrete conclusion Kenna HQ can draw from this sorry episode is it’s been too long since the last pub crawl.

Kenna table week 11

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 11 - 7 November 2017
Kenna table week 11 – 7 November 2017
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Golden age of defending returns

REMEMBER the mid noughties?

The London bombings.

A German pope elected.

Mart Poom going to Arsenal on a six-month loan.

And English teams regularly meeting each other in the latter stages of the Champions League.

With the exception of Poom, it was a time built on strong defence. In fantasy football it was the epoch of clean sheets.

The inaugural winner of the Kenna League boasted John Terry, Steve Finnan, Wes Brown, Kolo Toure and Paul Robinson. At the height of their careers.

Goals were scarce. Clean sheets the norm. The chairman, for it was he, won the title with Darius Vassell in attack and Jermaine Pennant in midfield.

By the end of decade the tide had turned.

Andre Villas Boas crouched on the touchline to watch the once sturdy defence of west London ship them like a online bookshop with an aggressive diversification strategy.

In London pub-based fantasy football it was the time to buy false nines, the trequartistas and Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey.

And so it remained. Until now.

Heading into the first transfer window of the season this Friday, more than half of the top 14 performing players in the Kenna are defensive.

Ben Davies aside, all ply their trade in Manchester.

Several managers have already released players ahead of tomorrow’s midday deadline.

Are they looking for defenders?

With Nathaniel Clyne ‘out for some time’, the chairman certainly is.

Player Position Points Club Position Paid
Lukaku STR 49 Brambler 15th £41m
Kane STR 48 Pikey Scum 1st £40m
Valencia, A DEF 46 Piss Poor 11th £9m
Ben Davies DEF 44 Iniesta 10th £4m
Phil Jones DEF 43 Breivik 14th £0.5m
De Gea GK 43 WNS 16th £8m
Kyle Walker DEF 43 Sporting 2nd £8m
Otamendi DEF 41 Don’t Know Yet 5th £0.5m
Azpilicueta DEF 41 Pikey Scum 1st £18m
de Bruyne MID 40 Lokomotiv 3rd £32m
Bailly DEF 39 Young Boys 8th £5m
Salah MID 39 Sporting 2nd £32m
Stones DEF 38 Cowley 4th £0.5m
Jesus STR 37 Young Boys 8th £31m

Kenna League table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 7 - 3 October 2017
Kenna table week 7 – 3 October 2017
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Analysis: The Romelu Lukaku chant

MANCHESTER United fans have ignored the polite request of Romelu Lukaku and the wrath of Kick It Out campaign to continue singing their controversial chant.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it, terrace ‘wits’ are using a melody from Made of Stone by the Stone Roses to make race-related assertions about the Belgian striker’s manhood.

For chant enthusiasts, comparisons could be made to a video of Manchester United fans chanting about allegations Adam Johnson had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a 15-year-old girl (analysed here two years ago).

At the time, the former Sunderland winger was yet to be convicted.

But while both chants relate to…ahem…Johnsons under scrutiny, in Lukaku’s case defamation is an unlikely issue.

Is any man going to be interviewed outside the Royal Courts of Justice thousands of pounds richer because his penis is smaller than slandered?

In…ahem…short, the Lukaku chant is clearly racist and inappropriate.

But to the chant purist it could beg the question: to what United players could the Made of Stone chant be applied on the grounds of national stereotyping?

Here are some seriously low-quality efforts.

Juan Mata (Spain)

Juan Mata
Likes to chatter
Smokes Ducardos at a bullfight
Doesn’t eat his tea till midnight
Getting the assists
When he talks he lisps

Matteo Darmian (Italy)

Tackler, passer and a shooter
Says ‘Ciao!’ to girls from his scooter
Pressing down the flank
Reversing in his tank

Daley Blind (Netherlands)

Daley Blind
Smoking blim
Useful defensive solution
Relaxed views on prostitution
Tulips, clogs, windmills
Not that good on hills

Sergio Romero (Argentina)

A magician on the goal line
Steak and Malbec every lunchtime
Acrobatic feats
Can’t help it if he cheats

Anthony Martial (France)

He might take a nifty free kick
But his bike’s covered in garlic
Playing on the wing
Can’t resist a fling

Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Armenia)

He’s Armenian
Our state English education
Means we’ve reached the limitation
Of our trivia
It’s bordered by Georgia?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden)

His home country’s rich
Leggy blondes, midsummer parties
Collaborated with the Nazis
Goals and kung fu tough
Saunas in the buff

Michael Carrick (England)

Michael Carrick
Midfield magic
Killer pass he’s always hunting
Local pub’s got George’s bunting
In England he believes
Probably voted Leave

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 26 September 2017
Kenna table week 6 – 26 September 2017
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Wayne Rooney

WATCHING the club’s star striker enter the building from his office window, the manager’s nerves tensed.

Another setback for his team‘s title hopes.

Yet another reminder of just how punishing this league could be.

Nursing the dregs of a Lemon Fanta in his hand, he returned to his desk to wait for his player.

‘Enter,’ he said when the knock on the door came.

Remorse was all over the striker’s face like egg.

‘On my kids’ lives boss, I swear I’ll not get caught again,’ he simpered, hands pressed together, eyebrows on his turnip head pushed up.

Over the next week the whole club would be talking about what the manager said next.

Never one to shy from gossip, his personal assistant, everyone agreed, gave the best account.

‘Enough!’ the manager threw the Fanta can at his player’s head, or at least that what it sounded like from the other side of the door. ‘I’m only in my second season in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and I’m already surrounded by pillocks like you undoing all my best efforts to stay in it. I don’t need your snivelling, I need a striker scoring goals, because at the August auction I got drunk and signed Peter Crouch. I already had Xhedran Shaqiri. That’s two Stoke players. Illegal. Bloody illegal. They took Crouch off me and gave me his bloody wife. His wife! Yes, I’ll admit she’s good for morale in the changing rooms, but everything’s getting slotted except the opposition goal. Furthermore, I bought Xhedran Shaqiri last season so the more I think about it the more it dawns it was an absolute dick move by me. There’s a transfer window on Friday 6 October starting from 6.30 to 7pm (earlier for drinks) where I should be improving my first eleven, but I’m dogged by the memory last year of inadvertently doing a cash-plus deal of Manuel Lanzini and £4m for Stewart Downing. You can guess how that turned out. I haven’t been to a transfer window since. I just sit in here drinking cans of Fanta and wondering why I thought £18m was a good deal for Jamie Vardy. Right now I’m 9th, but this time last year I was 8th and then ended in 15th. So get that bloody rear light fixed on your Volkswagen Beetle – what the hell are you doing driving a Beetle, anyway? – do your community service and start scoring some bloody goals.’

‘Yes, boss,’ said the striker and backed out the room.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 5 - 19 September 2017
Kenna table week 5 – 19 September 2017
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Klünter #FCK

THE result of last night’s Europa League game between Arsenal and FC Köln is immaterial. 

Instead many people will remember the occasion for the 20,000 Germans who tipped up in central London and stopped traffic. Much to the delight of social media and the surprise of police.

Belting out something in supposedly Rhine Valley accented German, FC Köln fans were recorded in a number of scenarios from marching through Soho…

…to doing a thunderclap outside the Oxford Street branch of Matalan.

Fans then headed north to the Emirates to delay kick off by an hour. High spirits or hooliganism? It feels sensationalist to call it the latter.

But overall many will remember the game for the tremendous support.

The enlightened few, however, will remember it for number 24 on the FC Köln team sheet: Lukas Klünter.

There have been many outstanding names to emerge from Teutonic football. Stefan Kuntz, Julian Draxler and Pascal Zuberbühler to name but three.

Lukas Klünter though. It’s so delicious.

Even with limited knowledge of German pronunciation the umlaut on the ‘ü’ makes it sound like ‘Kloonter’.

Better though is saying it with the flat ‘u’ in English. Klunter.

Should the young defender progress to Die Mannschaft at a future tournament and be involved in either end of a career-ending tackle, surely his name will immediately pass into the English dictionary: ‘Ooh, that was a real Klunter.’


Klünter has only made 12 appearances for FC Köln first team so far (last night he was subbed off for an attacker as his side chased the game), but we hope to see his name for many years to come.

Or at least until a cheap replica shirt is available on the internet.

Kenna League table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 4 - 12 September 2017
Kenna table week 4 – 12 September 2017
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Roberto Firmino

Rifles once more the ball into the net,

Or sets another up to do the same,

Brazil’s fair crop of talent again yet

Enlivens North West England’s pressing game.

Roberto’s entry into Europe’s sphere,

To ply his silky skills next to the Rhine,

Oft saw defenders ever more in fear,

Forthwith he is a genuine false nine.

In fantasy his season’s started well

Reaping more than seven league points a week.

Much joy the Lokomotiv fans will tell

In sitting high upon the Kenna’s peak.

Never have they enjoyed a title’s glow

Out seldom from mid-table’s end they go.

Kenna table week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 3 - 29 August 2017
Kenna table week 3 – 29 August 2017
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Toby Alderweireld

THE glory days of La Liga titles and Champions League finals are a distant memory for Toby Alderweireld.

On the evening of the Kenna League auction 14 days ago, the Belgian defender became the Sleptember XI manager’s most expensive signing at £18m.

But any hopes of improving on Sleptember’s debut sixth-place finish last season look short lived. The club are propping up the table.

Yaya Toure, Deigo Costa, Fernando Llorente, Adam Lallana, Marcus Rojo and Scott Malone are all yet to start for the club.

Alderweireld is among four players to enjoy some game time, although while Etienne Capoue and Darren Fletcher have produced humble returns, goalkeeper Joe Hart is on a season total of minus one point.

Legions of fans have been critical of the manager’s recruitment policy.

Diego Costa is a case in point.

Every other manager at the auction suppressed snickers of schadenfreude as the Sleptember manager engaged in a small bidding war for lot number 14.

Remaining deadpan while a competitor throws away his budget on a player unlikely to play in England again is a challenge for even the most seasoned Kenna manager.

What thigh-slapping relief when the Sleptember manager didn’t catch on and signed Costa for £15m!

Events must have taken a toll on the unfortunate Sleptember boss.

Inhibited by the Costa blunder, Sleptember went on to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling.

Remember Stan Collymore? No longer a striker with a wayward personal life, Collymore is now a broadcaster and journalist with a more balanced personal life.

Except, given the events in Royal Tunbridge Wells this weekend, one wonders whether Stan The Man is slipping into old habits.

Locals appear to have been vindicated in their protest against Flamefest sex festival in Kent, where one unfortunate man was pronounced dead and a woman went to hospital.

‘Discreet’ adult play area staffed by dominatrices and an outdoor dungeon. For Toby Alderweireld the October transfer window can’t come soon enough.

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 2 - 22 August 2017
Kenna table week 2 – 22 August 2017
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Mohamed Salah

Memories of Mohamed Salah’s mediocre first spell in England were brushed aside this weekend with a goal and assist in the first game of the season.

Of course, it was a weight off the Egyptian’s mind.

Helping his new club Sporting Lesbian to the top of the Kenna League, Salah was only too pleased to recall the moment he found out he was moving back to London.

“Ahhh, I remember it well! It was during the physical act of love,” he overshared.

“My agent phoned so I immediately pulled out and took the call. When I found out I’d been signed for £32m in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league I couldn’t contain myself.”

Egyptian cotton, fortunately, washes well at high temperatures.

During his first training session for Sporting, Salah was pleased to find new teammates in Alexandre Lacazette and Henrikh Mkhitaryan, but confused by the dressing-room presence of Bill Cosby.

Sporting Lesbian’s manager was on hand to explain.

Apparently, Salah learned, the Sporting boss had broken the Titus Bramble ruling at the auction. An illegal player was removed and replaced with ‘a dud’. He was not the only manager to make that mistake.

“Laugh at Cosby’s amusing facial expressions,” advised Salah’s new manager.

“Allow yourself to be entertained by his Dr Cliff Huxtable routines,” the manager continued.

“He offers you an OJ, though, refuse outright. There are some things even a 90 degree wash cannot eradicate.”

Kenna table – week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 1 - 15 August 2017
Kenna table week 1 – 15 August 2017
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‘Pies finally get to eat cake

TWELVE long seasons have passed for the Thieving Magpies manager.

He’s watched everyone from the chairman to the Fat Ladies manager, Young Boys to the Tactical Brambler lift the Kenna League title.

All the while the ‘Pies boss toiled away trying to find success with English footballers.

Three years ago he changed tack, went foreign and almost cracked it.

But it was only to revert to type at the second transfer window, selling Samir Nasri in favour of Andros Townsend.

It was a cruel booby prize: runner up to the Tactical Brambler.

This season was different. Yaya Toure, Alexis Sanchez and Dimitri Payet snapped up at the August auction.

Cakes, toys and prams.

The ‘Pies manager had gone diva.

It paid off. And Sanchez topped a superb, if moody, season with 12 points on Saturday.

What four weeks ago was being hailed as one of the closest Kenna title races ever ended this week with ‘Pies holding a 59-point gap over his nearest rival.

What’s more, it’s the same manager who beat him by a 61-point margin three years ago.

Prize money – total pot £400

Thieving Magpies – league winners (£150), MOTM x3 (£5 each) = £165

FC Testiculadew – runners up (£75), MOTM x2 (£5 each) = £85

Burqini Pool Party – third (£50) = £50

So Good They Named Him Twice – Wenger Trophy (£25), MOTM x1 (£5) = £30

Adam Johnson Fan Club – Narcozep Cup winners (£50) = £50

MOTMs (£5 each) – ISIL, Sporting Lesbian, Dynamo Charlton, Northern Monkeys

Kenna table – 30 May 2017 – final standings

Kenna table - 30 May 2017 - final standings
Kenna table – 30 May 2017 – final standings
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Pies all but champions, chairman wins cup

IT’S been a week to remember for two founding fathers of the Kenna, and one to forget for another.

The Thieving Magpies manager put 52 points between his side and FC Testiculadew.

The gap turns Saturday’s final game of the season into a procession for the ‘Pies boss, who should lift his maiden piece of silverware in 12 seasons.

Meanwhile the chairman, no stranger to glory although someone less charitable may say it’s been a while, won his third knockout cup in 12 seasons.

Cowley Casuals midfielders Kevin De Bruyne (18 points) and Son Heung-Min (20) put in creditable performances but it wasn’t enough to win the Narcozep Cup final.

The chairman’s team Adam Johnson Fan Club were inspired to the win by Sergio Aguero (26) and Victor Wanyama (18).

Success for two managers who helped to found the Kenna League in August 2005 will surely bring particular consternation for one man.

The Walthamstow Reds manager is now the only person to compete in every season of the Kenna without winning a trophy.

Elsewhere in the league, debutants So Good They Named Him Twice will likely have to settle for the coveted Wenger Trophy.

Burqini Pool Party should finish just above in third, unless So Good They Named Him Twice defender Marcus Alonso overturns the Kenna League Fake Sheikh’s 12-point lead on Saturday.

With four teams facing relegation this term, Pikey Scum have a slim five-point cushion over Northern Monkeys.

Neither team have anyone left to play, so Scum’s safety could be under threat from some penalty shootout heroics from Judean Peoples’ Front goalkeeper Petr Cech.

Kenna table week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 37 - 23 May 2017
Kenna table week 37 – 23 May 2017

Narcozep Cup Final result

Adam Johnson Fan Club 62 – Cowley Casuals 48

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