Magpies back on top

THIEVING Magpies are back at the top of the Kenna League after dominating the scoring this week.

Individual top scorer Alexis Sanchez notched, Yaya Toure assisted and clean sheets from Eldin Jakupovic, Phil Jagielka and Simon Francis saw ‘Pies overturn FC Testiculadew’s slender lead.

Despite a goal and assist from Eden Hazard on Monday night, the wind appears to have left FCT’s sails with injuries to key players David Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

The former double double winner was also knocked out of the Narcozep Cup in his quarter final tie with Team Panda.

“Fools!” said the Tactical Brambler to journalists who had questioned his side’s depth outside club training facility The Death Star.

“You dare to quibble the effectiveness of Calum Chambers when that pathetic earthling [the Thieving Magpies manager] has a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang?

“I should have you all liquidated.”

In other Narcozep Cups news, the chairman took advantage of the league’s Tuesday-morning-to-Tuesday-morning scoring week to knock fellow committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager out.

Kenna table week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 33 - 25 April 2017
Kenna table week 33 – 25 April 2017

Narcozep Cup quarter final second leg results

ISIL 26 (49) – 21 (56) Cowley

FC Testiculadew 22 (51) – 12 (53) Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 19 (42) – 32 (50) AJFC

Burqini 25 (77) – 27 (50) So Good x2

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg fixtures

Cowley v Panda

AJFC v Burqini

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Kenna title race hots up

THE Kenna League title race is hotting up with just five weeks left of the season.

Thieving Magpies edged into FC Testiculadew’s lead to go within six points of the double double winner.

It’s quite a feat considering the ‘Pies have a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang, while FCT have two representatives from the PFA’s team of the season: Kyle Walker and Eden Hazard.

Looking at Hazard’s £2m price tag, it’s a convenient moment to remember the defending champion’s lengthy August rant.

Things aren’t going well for the rest of the PFA team of the season, who are all bungling around in the Kenna League’s mid table.

De GeaWandsworth Network Solutions (11th) – £18m

Kyle Walker – FCT (1st) – £10m
Gary CahillSporting Lesbian (10th) – £9m
David LuizCowley Casuals (6th) – £0.5m, first window
Danny Rose – Sporting Lesbian (10th) – £10m

Hazard – FCT (1st) – £2m
KanteBala Rinas (9th) – £0.5m, first window
AlliNorthern Monkeys (15th) – £23m
ManePiss Poor (21st) – £22m

Kane – Bala Rinas (9th) – £32m
LukakuWalthamstow Reds (12th) – £32m

Kenna table week 32

Kenna table week 32 - 18 April 2017
Kenna table week 32 – 18 April 2017

Narcozep Cup quarter final first leg results

ISIL 23 – 35 Cowley

FC Testiculadew 29 – 41 Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 18 AJFC

Burqini 52 – 23 So Good x2

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Unravelling in front of his ‘Pies

IT’S been a week to file under ‘a bit of a mare’ for the Thieving Magpies manager.

Flying high on top of the league since 6 December, at times it’s felt like it would be 12th time lucky for one of only three managers to enter every season of the competition.

Pantomime villains lurk around every corner. In the notorious ‘Tactical Brambler‘ the Kenna has a villain made to order and he’s been delivered to knock the ‘Pies from the top of the Kenna League.

The skullduggery does not stop there for Thieving Magpies. The Pirate has knocked them out of the Narcozep Cup.

“It’s a blow, there’s no doubt about that,” said the man who after the cup draw joked on social networking site Twitter he may rest key players for the tie.

The Pirate goes on to face Cowley Casuals in the quarter final first leg this weekend.

The Tactical Brambler kept his hopes of an unprecedented third league and cup double alive by sweeping aside Lokomotiv Leeds.

In what was being touted ‘the Boardroom Derby’, League champions Young Boys, whose manager is vice chairman, were knocked out by the chairman’s XI Adam Johnson Fan Club.

The chairman goes on to face the club of another committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager.

Should AJFC win, the chairman could face yet another executive peer in the semi finals in the form of the Burqini Pool Party manager.

Kenna table week 31

Kenna table week 31 - 11 April 2017
Kenna table week 31 – 11 April 2017

Narcozep Cup – last 16 second leg results

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 58 (77) – Thieving Magpies 53 (74)

Bala Rinas 63 (89) – Cowley Casuals 74 (102)

Lokomotiv Leeds 39 (55) – 83 (110) FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian 40 (57) – Team Panda 43 (66)

Judean Peoples’ Front 31 (58) – Walthamstow Reds 71 (96)

Adam Johnson Fan Club 52 (89) – Young Boys 35 (52)

Dynamo Charlton 36 (56) – Burqini Pool Party 68 (88)

Two Goals One Cup 50 (73) – So Good They Named Him Twice 59 (98)

Quarter final first leg fixtures – this weekend

ISIL v Cowley

FC Testiculadew v Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds v AJFC

Burqini v So Good x2

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Manchester ‘hipster’ pub crawl

It was shortly after 2pm on Saturday.

The weather was fair, the hangover manageable and because Cape Town Piotr had searched ‘Manchester hipster pubs’ the Kenna League chairman found himself standing in a 170-year-old basement filled with ping pong tables.

Phillipe Coutinho was putting the finishing touches on a decent shift for Two Goals One Cup, but members of the pub crawl were far from elite sport.

They were too busy doing a terrible impression of three people playing table tennis. At least the Brooklyn Lager was passable.

Piotr table tennis
Twenty Twenty Two: Cape Piotr close to jacking it in

After a few minutes it became the clear the homemade quince vodka of the previous evening was not entirely shaken off. The group retired to the bar area.

What it lacked in ventilation, the Northern Quarter’s Twenty Twenty Two more than made up for in classic arcade games. House of the Dead 2 of particular note.

Quite what the founding pillars of the industrial revolution would make of four girls in short shorts playing beer pong remains moustache-bristling conjecture.

Pub number two was The Whiskey Jar, which appeared to be a popular venue for hen dos and Tinder dates.

Perhaps cheap dates. The early hour meant it was possible to get two whiskey sours for a tenner.

Now, there are two types of cocktail bar in the world.

There are cocktail bars that anticipate drinks and prepare accordingly and there are ones where the customer watches the barman fiddling around with paraphernalia for an interminable amount of time.

The Whiskey Jar was sadly the latter.

Although he didn’t express it in the usual fashion, Cape Town Chris was delighted to join the crawl just in time for a debate on whether a hipster restaurant was correct to serve pizza straight from MDF tables without a plate. Opinion was split.

Next up was the recently-opened pub of Seven Bro7hers Brewery. Split level exposed brickwork and a fantastic IPA.

Seven Bro7hers IPA
Seven Bro7hers IPA

Crawlers were pleased to learn from the barman there were two brewery tap rooms in the locale. What could be more hipster than drinking craft beer surrounded by pallets?

The crawl stopped by Manchester Piccadilly to pick up a late straggler. It was thirsty work and The Waldorf’s convenience was, in hindsight, all it had going for it.

Taking a cab to a rail arch on North Western Street, the party entered the alternative Beer Nouveau. A smattering of patrons, a friendly owner and large barrels where the beer is brewed on site were there to greet them.

Beer Nouveau
Beer Nouveau

One crawler – who through a second-language, workplace gaffe is known as ‘The Master of the Flaps’ – took great pleasure in sampling the local mead on offer.

A keen amateur mead maker, he also turned out to be The Master of the Put Downs, telling an enthusiastic beekeeper from the area he was only interested in Polish honey.

The crawl struck out in search of the Cloudwater tap room. A constant hazard of visiting craft breweries is drinkers can find themselves walking through deserted industrial estates looking daggers at the guy frowning at his smartphone’s location app.

Such was the case here, until it turned out the taproom had recently moved around the corner.

Cloudwater directions
Cloudwater directions

Cloudwater: what a find! Again a rail arch was the venue, this time underneath Manchester Piccadilly station.

A tremendous array of beer was on offer as were MDF tables you either could or couldn’t eat your pizza off of depending on your point of view.

Cloudwater table
Cloudwater tap room: The Master of the Flaps not a fan of MDF

The 11.5 per cent Imperial stout was served in halves, so wanting to soak in more of the atmosphere the crawl stopped for a second drink. The pilsner was gorgeous and much less dangerous.

By this time hunger was an issue. The party attempted to get a no-doubt-MDF table at Almost Famous burgers but the 90-minute waiting time was not agreeable.

In the face of adversity, all pretence this was still a hipster crawl crumbled.

Weatherspoon’s in the Printworks is not by any stretch of the imagination a trendy venue but it does have two clear benefits.

Lagunitas IPA is £1.79 a bottle and it’s a convenient place to wait for your table at the adjacent Nandos.

Lagunitas 1
The Seven Stars: Lagunitas is an anagram of ‘slag unit’

Say what you like about its unchallenging hot sauce, the Mozambican-themed restaurant does sell the excellent Super Bock.

Having lived in east London for half the noughties, it can be easy to dismiss another area’s attempts as hipsterism. The unrendered walls, beards and – you guessed it – MDF tables of the Northern Quarter can come across as forced at times.

But the lack of nonchalance is more than atoned by the fantastic beers and welcoming atmosphere.

It’s highly likely in future residents will spot the Kenna chairman slinking around the side of the train station on a Saturday afternoon.

As for the rest of Saturday evening, the crawl returned to Macclesfield for further tippling in the Red Willow.

Red Willow
Red Willow: The chairman toasts yet another successful all dayer

Kenna League table – week 30

Kenna table week 30 - 4 April 2017
Kenna table week 30 – 4 April 2017

Narcozep Cup – last 16 first leg results

Thieving Magpies 21 – 19 Islington Sports Islam & Leisure

Cowley Casuals 28 – 26 Bala Rinas

FC Testiculadew 27 – 15 Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda 23 – 17 Sporting Lesbian

Walthamstow Reds 25 – 27 Judean Peoples’ Front

Young Boys 17 – 37 Adam Johnson Fan Club

Burqini Pool Party 20 – 20 Dynamo Charlton

So Good They Named Him Twice 39 – 23 Two Goals One Cup

 

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Novelty cup draw rumoured

LONDON’S top fantasy football league is planning a novelty cup draw in a snooker hall tomorrow night, it has been rumoured.

Kenna League blazers remained tightlipped about the Narcozep Cup knockout stages draw, but did confirm it is due to be broadcast by Periscope.

Should it go ahead the event will save this season’s Narcozep Cup which is more than two months behind schedule.

If the draw is left unmade for another two weeks it will impossible to fit in two legs for the round of last 16, the quarter finals or the semis.

“All I can confirm is the draw will go ahead tomorrow night. Probably,” said the chairman, who stands accused of putting on a PR stunt to deflect from his shambolic organisational skills.

The first leg of the last 16 will take place this weekend.

It is thought the geographical proximity of the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure and the Wandsworth Network Solutions stadiums to Kenna HQ has played a part in the draw venue.

Narcozep Cup – knockout schedule

The top two teams from each group (pool A) will be drawn against the other teams to qualify (pool B).

Pool A
Walthamstow Reds
FCT
Pies
Bala Rinas
Charlton
So Good
Lesbian
Young Boys

Pool B
ISIL
Leeds
Panda
Burqini
Cowley Casuals
JPF
Adam Johnson
Two Goals

Fixtures
Week 30 – 4 April – Narcozep last 16 first leg

Week 31 – 11 April – Narcozep last 16 second leg

Week 32 – 18 April- Narcozep quarter final first leg

Week 33 – 25 April – Narcozep quarter final second leg

Week 34 – 2 May – Narcozep semi final first leg

Week 35 – 9 May – Narcozep semi final second leg

Week 36 – 16 May

Week 37 – 23 May – Narcozep Cup final

Kenna table week 29

Kenna table week 29 - 21 March 2017
Kenna table week 29 – 21 March 2017
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Barcelona to ignore ‘mouldy chorizo’ Latin managers

A LATINO will not take the vacant manager position at Barcelona because of their miserable Kenna League form, the Camp Nou has confirmed.

Luis Enrique’s announcement he will vacate the Barca position at the end of the season prompted club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to play down rumours another Iberian could get the job.

“You look at how a Catalan is performing this season at the highest level of the game and he’s 300 points adrift at the bottom of the Kenna. The chorizo is mouldy,” said Bartomeu referring to the manager of Just Put Carles.

“But it’s not just this season. You look at managers from Catalonia, from Madrid, even from Asturias like Luis, and they’ve historically underachieved while English managers – Ingles! Dios mio! – have had the better of them,” Bartomeu said in thinly-veiled reference to the time a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola performed better than a real-life Catalan.

Meanwhile, the Kenna League has come under fire for failing to post an update for three weeks.

Flimsy excuses from Kenna HQ ranged between ‘I was at a black tie jolly in Manchester’ to ‘I was at a gender balance conference in Stockholm’.

The chairman stands accused both of failing to get the knockout rounds of the Narcozep Cup organised and of coming up with weak memes to try and placate managers.

“CHAIRMAN OUT,” said the vice chairman.

 

Kenna table week 28

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 28 - 14 March 2017
Kenna week 28 – 14 March 2017

 

Kenna table week 26

Kenna table week 26 - 28 February 2017
Kenna table week 26 – 28 February 2017
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The end of an ignominious Korea

AS soon as liquid was sprayed in his face in departures he knew something was seriously wrong.

Eight months of freedom. Eight months since leaving his position as manager of Real Brexit, his last posting in the so-called ‘world’s greatest London pub-based fantasy football league’.

Now he was sinking to his knees, a wave of nausea sweeping over him.

Contemplating his untimely demise at gate two of Durham Tees Valley Airport.

And when he heard another passenger innocently enquire ‘was that Emanuel Pogatetz dressed like a lass?’ his worst fears were confirmed.

Only one organisation used former professional footballers as assassins: the Kenna League’s manager experiences department.

It could be waking up with the barrel of Michael Ballack’s Mauser thrust into your mouth or Clint Dempsey threatening to extract a tooth with a pair of pliers.

Cross the manager experiences department and the outcome was far from pretty.

It was no fluke they had chosen Pogatetz as the trigger man. While managing Still Don’t Know Yet in his first season he had signed the Austrian for £3.5m in the February transfer window.

The 14th-place finish was nothing to do with it though.

It was the beginning of that season, his first in the Kenna, where he had made an enemy for life.

He realised it now as the darkness intensified and a woman who smelled strongly of Superkings Menthol wheezed ‘you alright, pet?’

He had called the Kenna administration ‘out of touch blazers’.

An enemy for life.

An enemy for death.

From that moment his time was up.

You never really left the Kenna. You went through life thinking you’d left, as he’d done since the summer, but they always caught up with you.

And as his life ebbed away, his head resting on the flabby thighs of a morbidly-obese airport worker, he thought of the strapline on the Durham Tees Valley Airport website.

‘It’s a small world.’

Kenna table week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 - 14 February 2016
Kenna week 24 – 14 February 2016

Kenna table week 25

Kenna week 25 - 21 February 2017
Kenna week 25 – 21 February 2017
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Everyone wants to **** with the Jesus

GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.

The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.

Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.

Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.

League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.

With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.

Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.

At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.

Fifteen-year-olds, dude.

The available player list and managers’ remaining budget are available from The Rub.

Clubs – players released – remaining budgets

Sleptember XI – none – 32.5

SGTNHT – Terry, Success – 31.5

Burqini – Bill Cosby, Perez – 29.5

Dynamo – Butland, Nolito – 27

Reds – Amat, Shaw, Khazri – 24.5

AJFC – Rodwell, Oscar – 22

ISIL – Iheanacho – 20.5

Leeds – Albrighton – 19

FCT – Boufal – 19

Sporting – no bonus – 17

Bala – Bravo, Ogbonna, Cazorla, Fer – 14

Magpies – Payet – 16

WNS – none – 13.5

JPF – Otamendi, Zouma, Studge, Rooney, Diouf – 11

Young Boys – Bolasie, Pereya, Defour, Diomande – 10

JPC – no bonus – 9.5

Panda – no bonus – 7

Piss – no bonus – 6.5

Scum – no bonus – 4.5

Cowley – no bonus – 4

2G1C – no bonus – 2.5

Monkeys – no bonus – 2

Cheerio – players who moved in January

Thieving Magpies

Payet to France

Young Boys

Patrick van Aanholt from Sunderland to Palace (not Bramble tied)

Dynamo Charlton

Snodgrass from Hull to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Two Goals One Cup

Ivanovic to Russia

Adam Johnson Fan Club

Oscar to China

Fonte from Southampton to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Piss Poor

Berahino from West Brom to Stoke (not Bramble tied)

Kenna table week 22

Narcozep Cup playoff results

Sleptember XI 9 – 19 Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party 19 – 14 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table week 22 - 31 January 2017
Kenna table week 22 – 31 January 2017

Kenna table week 23

Kenna table week 23 - 7 February 2017
Kenna table week 23 – 7 February 2017
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Xhaka: the mean talk

GRANIT Xhaka has told police he was the victim of racial abuse just 24 hours before being brought in for questioning over allegations he himself racially abused a Heathrow Airport worker.

In the aftermath of his red card in Sunday’s match, the midfielder claims his Kenna League manager called him a ‘chocolate Swiss’.

Xhaka, an ethnic Kosovo-Albanian, says the emotional distress caused during the heated post-match exchange with the Adam Johnson Fan Club manager led him to call an airport worker a ‘f***ing white b****’ on Monday evening.

The AJFC manager fiercely denied the allegations of racism made to him during a press conference yesterday.

“What I was trying to tell Granit was if he’s always suspended through ill discipline he’s as much use to me as a chocolate Swiss Army knife,” said the manager.

“I’m not racist. I’m not a Nazi. Gold – that’s the standard I set at this club for diversity and inclusion.

“Granit’s flown off the handle before I’ve had a chance to finish the sentence. I’ve managed a lot of foreign players and they tend to do that, but if he thinks he can explain away the Heathrow incident using my post-match comments he’s cuckoo.

“There’s more holes in his argument than a lump of Alpine dairy product.

“He needs to watch it.”

Narcozep Cup – final group standings and playoff fixtures

Sleptember XI v Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party v Wandsworth Window Lickers

Narcozep Cup - 24 January 2017
Narcozep Cup – 24 January 2017

Kenna League table – week 21

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 21 - 24 January 2017
Kenna table week 21 – 24 January 2017

 

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English football under threat from ‘Yellow Peril’

The Kenna League has warned against football talent being drawn to Chinese wealth after the chairman bumped into a manager travelling to the Far East end of the Jubilee Line.

The encounter happened in the Friday morning rush hour when a furtive Lokomotiv Leeds manager was spotted by the chairman at Canary Wharf.

The Lokomotiv boss was forced to make a shifty admission he was ‘going all the way to Stratford’.

By lunchtime Kenna HQ had issued a explosive press release entitled ‘Lured to the Riches of The Orient’, and packed with provocative, xenophobic, racially-aggravated jingoism such as ‘The Yellow Terror’, ‘The legacy of Fu Manchu’ and ‘Brexit means Brexit’.

“The enormous wealth of China is leading to a ‘Sino-The Dotted Line Mentality’ and is the biggest challenge to London pub-based fantasy football since the 2006 smoking ban,” read the release, which claimed Kenna HQ is now on ‘Yellow Alert’.

Astronomical wages in the Chinese Super League has thrown preparations for the second Kenna transfer window next month into disarray

This weekend saw Islington Sports Islam & Leisure striker Diego Costa compound his manager’s problems by being unavailable for selection until interest from Asia is resolved.

The chairman’s own team, Adam Johnson Fan Club, has been left with a hole in midfield since Oscar moved to China in an audacious £60m deal.

It is widely believed this move has got the league apparatus in a particular paddy over the Lokomotiv manager’s oriental tube ride.

But Lokomotiv Leeds supporters have welcomed a move abroad for their manager, and questioned the Kenna’s description of him as ‘football talent’.

The editor of fan blog BellendRurdFurrever.com tweeted: “Lokomotiv Leeds? More like Special Leeds! 14th last season, 16th today. Couldn’t give a Peking duck where he goes #SackTheJew”.

Kenna League table week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 20 - 17 January 2017
Kenna table week 20 – 17 January 2017
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