Kenna HQ in tie-break farce

Tie break
Volley of abuse: Kenna HQ contingency plans have been heavily criticised (photo: C64 Ocean and Imagine Collection)

BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.

Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.

What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.

An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.

Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week,  ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.

One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.

The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.

Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.

In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.

The second leg will take place this weekend.

Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results

Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna week 32 - 15 April 2014
Kenna week 32 – 15 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 1
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 29 1
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 0
4 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
5 Pikey Scum Jack 25 0
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
7 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 0
8 KS West Green Stix 23 0
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 2
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 20 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 0
12 Newington Reds Dudley 19 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 18 0
14 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 0
16 Young Boys Denney 16 0
17 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 15 0
18 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 14 0
19 FC Testiculadew James N 13 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 11 1
21 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
22 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 7 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Fabianski, L – ARS – GK
Club Unsigned
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Table top heavyweights Puncheon it out

Jason Puncheon corner
He shits when he wants: Jason Puncheon’s two goals and assist kept Piedmonte in the Kenna title race (photo courtesy of Paul Wright)

BREATHLESS attacking football from two teams challenging for the Kenna title lit up the league with six weeks left of the season.

FC Testiculadew may have extended their lead by two points at the top with goals from Juan Mata and Edin Dzeko, but led by Jason Puncheon’s player-of-the-week performance and a double strike from Stevie G, Piedmonte refused to let up.

In the tightest Kenna since Vasco De Beauvoir pipped Insomnia’s Titans in 2010, FCT and the Pies find themselves like two sluggers in the ring Puncheon it out, which makes a refreshing change from the midfielder’s reputation for Puncheon one off mid match.

Whether either side can maintain this scintillating offensive play for the rest of the title race is uncertain. FCT have lost striker Christian Benteke for the rest of the season through injury and the imminent return of KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero could mean demotion to the bench for Dzeko.

From the Piedmonte perspective, it would take a Herculean effort from their ragtag bunch of misfits to overhaul a 47-point gap in the handful of games left.

What is clear is that Judean Peoples’ Front have dropped out of the race, their chances of competing stretchered off along with Jay Rodriguez on Saturday afternoon.

Looking ahead to the weekend, FCT are still in the hunt for a Kenna double. They take on Headless Chickens in a semi final first leg sibling derby.

Last year’s bottom-placed manager, now in charge of St Reatham FC, appears to have overcome the anxiety that led to a dark spring night on Chobham Common and will battle it out with Northern Monkeys in the other tie.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbbd2KEINVQ]

Kenna table

Kenna week 31 - 8 April 2014
Kenna week 31 – 8 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 49 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 47 4
3 Headless Chickens John N 37 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 36 1
5 Young Boys Denney 35 2
6 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 32 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 28 2
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 27 2
9 Newington Reds Dudley 24 1
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 21 0
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 21 0
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 20 0
13 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
14 KS West Green Stix 19 0
15 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 19 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 18 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 15 0
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 11 1
19 PSV Mornington El Pons 10 0
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 9 0
21 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 8 0
22 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 6 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Puncheon, J – CRY – MID
Club Piedmonte
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Second double no laughing matter

Ming the Merciless
Fools: Managers are being shown up as a bunch of jokers by an FC Testiculadew manager building his empire (photo courtesy of xndrnz)

WAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.

Cup results - 1 April 2014
Canesten Combi Cup quarter final results – 1 April 2014

Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.

Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.

Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.

The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.

The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.

The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.

Kenna table

Kenna week 30 - 1 April 2014
Kenna week 30 – 1 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 53 2
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 53 2
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 52 2
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 50 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 48 4
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 44 1
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 44 1
8 Pikey Scum Jack 42 2
9 Piedmonte Phil 41 3
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 39 4
11 Headless Chickens John N 34 1
12 Newington Reds Dudley 32 0
13 KS West Green Stix 29 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 28 2
15 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 27 3
16 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 27 1
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
19 Young Boys Denney 26 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 2
21 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 1
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 21 1
23 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
Club FC Testiculadew
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FCT Putin the boot in

Vladimir Putin
On target: The Russian leader and the FC Testiculadew manager are wiping the floor with the opposition.

IMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.

Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.

Cup results - 25 March 2014
Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.

With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.

Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.

Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.

The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.

FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0]

Kenna table

Kenna table week 29 - 25Mar14
Kenna table week 29 – 25Mar14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Just put Carles Carles 48 4
2 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 39 3
3 Headless Chickens John N 37 5
4 KS West Green Stix 37 2
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 2
6 FC Testiculadew James N 33 1
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 2
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 31 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
10 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 29 4
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 26 3
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 26 1
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
14 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 24 1
15 Young Boys Denney 23 1
16 St. Reatham FC Mike 21 2
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 0
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 15 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 15 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 15 0
22 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
23 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 4 0
Points Player
Player of the week 20 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club This is Sparta…Prague
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Odemwingie’s Kenna

Ian Botham
Cigar moment: Can Peter Odemwingie help the Piedmonte manager claim his first Kenna title in nine years of trying?

GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.

More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.

Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.

Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.

Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.

Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.

Abandon Cup!

Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.

Canesten Combi Cup: Last 16 results
Canesten Combi Cup: Last 16 results

Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.

Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.

The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.

In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.

The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Kenna table

Kenna week 28 - 18 March 2014
Kenna week 28 – 18 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Piedmonte Phil 39 4
2 Young Boys Denney 32 1
3 KS West Green Stix 32 0
4 Pikey Scum Jack 31 1
5 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 0
6 Team Panda Rules OK George 26 0
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 25 2
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 25 0
9 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 24 1
12 PSV Mornington El Pons 23 1
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 0
14 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 19 1
15 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
16 Newington Reds Dudley 17 0
17 FC Testiculadew James N 15 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 13 0
21 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 1
22 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
23 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Odemwingie, P – STO – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Come fly with Jeff

Air hostess
Expecting to find a black box: It’s at this time of the season many Kenna managers struggle to explain exactly where their trophy chances have disappeared (photo courtesy of Susan Uyanguren)

ODDS on FC Testiculadew claiming their second Kenna League title dropped faster than a Malaysia Airlines flight this weekend as the club extended their lead at the top of the table.

Even though as they hurtled towards earth at terminal velocity passengers of MH370 would have seen FCT striker Edin Dzeko’s fluffed goalmouth effort going the other way, a masterful display from Mesut Ozil and assists from Kevin Mirallas and Juan Mata saw the chasing pack drop even further off the radar.

What everyone hoped would remain the most open Kenna season in recent times has veered dramatically off course. Managers can only pray it doesn’t turn into a repeat of this time two years ago, when FCT’s dominance left the rest of league bobbing around helpless in the dark ocean, watching the wreckage of their title challenge sink into the depths and wondering whether the pathetic light given off by their life jackets can be seen by Vietnamese search and rescue pilots in fake Ray Bans.

Down in Davey Jones’ locker, Somali-managed Spartak Mogadishu climbed one place simply because their performance was only slightly less dismal than Dulwich Red Sox.

His ongoing silent protest over changes to league rules spelt no comment from the DRS manager on his team’s steady decline from mid-table to the relegation zone. Analysts believe a sponsored silence would have been a sure fire way for the manager to raise much-needed transfer funds.

Looking ahead to the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, four goals shipped at home in the first leg for both Judean Peoples’ Front and Team Panda Rules OK mean it’ll take a lot more than a pair of fake passports for them to get into the quarter finals.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 27 - 11 March 2014
Kenna table week 27 – 11 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 31 3
2 Team Panda Rules OK George 30 3
3 FC Testiculadew James N 29 1
4 KS West Green Stix 29 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 25 2
6 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
7 Young Boys Denney 23 1
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 21 1
9 St. Reatham FC Mike 19 1
10 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 18 1
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 1
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 0
14 Piedmonte Phil 15 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 14 0
16 Newington Reds Dudley 12 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 11 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 11 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 9 1
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 9 0
21 Headless Chickens John N 7 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 6 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Caulker, S – CAR – DEF
Club Rapids De Cullons CF
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League elite enjoy ‘Oscar’s night’

Andre Schurrle
Rhineland cowboy: An Andre Schurrle hat-trick doubled his goal tally for the season (photo courtesy of dominickwinter)

CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.

In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.

A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.

No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.

The Young Boys manager, who two days ago attacked the league for being anti-Welsh, even called for a boycott of the new improved cup wall chart, released today.

“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.

The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.

“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.

“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.

“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.

“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results

Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 26 - 4 March 2014
Kenna week 26 – 4 March 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 KS West Green Stix 33 4
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 4
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 1
4 Newington Reds Dudley 28 2
5 FC Testiculadew James N 25 2
6 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 25 0
8 Piedmonte Phil 23 1
9 Young Boys Denney 23 0
10 Just put Carles Carles 20 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 0
12 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 19 0
14 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 15 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 0
18 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 13 0
19 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
20 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 11 0
21 St. Reatham FC Mike 10 0
22 Headless Chickens John N 8 0
23 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Schurrle, A – CHE – MID
Club KS West Green
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Kenna League agrees lucrative Metro Bank sponsorship deal

Metro Bank deal
M-People: Soon after this photo was taken Metro Man was heard to invite the Kenna chairman for a ‘cheeky Tuesday livener’

METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.

The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.

Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.

“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.

There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.

“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.

The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.

Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”

City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.

In the league this week, Young Boys climbed out of the relegation zone for the first time in 10 weeks.

The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.

Kenna table

Kenna table wk 24 - 18 February 2014
Kenna table wk 24 – 18 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Pikey Scum Jack 48 1
2 Young Boys Denney 42 3
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 3
4 Newington Reds Dudley 38 1
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 38 0
6 Piedmonte Phil 37 2
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 36 3
8 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 36 1
9 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 32 2
10 Team Panda Rules OK George 28 1
11 St. Reatham FC Mike 28 0
12 Headless Chickens John N 26 2
13 FC Testiculadew James N 26 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 24 0
16 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 1
17 KS West Green Stix 22 1
18 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
19 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 20 0
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 19 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 18 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Pikey Scum
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Busy pubs and bad jokes

Bramble jersey Feb14 anon
Chin, chin: Having been awarded the Bramble Jersey by the Kenna chairman, the former PSV Mornington manager (right) hit the bar and made no signings. He stands accused of ‘presenteeism’

A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.

It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.

Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.

For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.

Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.

Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.

Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.

At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.

It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.

Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.

Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.

As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.

When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.

The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.

Harold Shipman
Just a little prick: Harold Shipman was one of the notorious criminals revealed as part of the Titus Bramble Pub XI

The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.

It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.

With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.

Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 23 - 13 February 2014
Kenna table week 23 – 13 February 2014

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 49 3
2 St. Reatham FC Mike  40 3
3 Newington Reds Dudley 40 2
4 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 38 2
5 Piedmonte Phil 36 2
6 Pikey Scum Jack 34 2
7 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 2
8 FC Testiculadew James N 31 0
9 KS West Green Stix 31 0
10 Young Boys Denney 30 1
11 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 25 3
12 Just put Carles Carles 25 0
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 0
14 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 23 2
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 1
16 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 22 0
17 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 21 2
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo  19 0
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 1
20 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
21 Headless Chickens John N 11 0
22 Team Panda Rules OK George 11 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 7 0
         
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 17 Hazard, E – CHE – MID  
    Club Hairy Fadjeetas  
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FCT go top ahead of transfer window

Hugo Drax
Moonraking them dry: Once again the FC Testiculadew manager had been caught red handed watching unauthorised films using club equipment  (photo courtesy of lucy_sarson)

PANTOMIME villain the FC Testiculadew manager is wringing his hands in sinister fashion after leading his side to the top of the Kenna League.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Christian Benteke, Jonjo Shelvey and Kevin Mirallas saw FC Testiculadew cruise past a dismal performance from Hairy Fadjeetas.

The FCT manager is hunting for his second league title in just three years of competing in the Kenna.

Despite winning the league on debut by a record 129 points in the 2011/12 season, the manager is most well known for inventing the pernicious act of tactical Brambling – an underhand ploy to subvert the league’s forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

In the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction, the FCT manager calculated that by deliberately springing the Titus Bramble ruling late in the auction under previous Kenna laws, he could free up funds and gain a financial advantage.

Kenna HQ has since brought in heavier penalties to discourage against tactical Brambling.

New regulations have not stopped the Olisdebe auction becoming known as the graveyard of the Kenna’s spirit.

The FCT manager has continued to be marked by his ruthlessness towards the Kenna and his unscrupulousness interpreting league regulations.

Speaking to media this morning outside the club’s Itchyballs Park training facility, the FCT manager said: “First there was the dream, now the reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens.”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rrPB2BER0c]

Kenna table

Kenna table week 22 - 4 February 2014
Kenna table week 22 – 4 February 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 77 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 59 4
3 Newington Reds Dudley 58 1
4 Piedmonte Phil 57 3
5 KS West Green Stix 53 3
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 49 3
7 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 47 2
8 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 46 1
9 Bala Rinas Lewis 45 1
10 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 44 3
11 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 44 2
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 43 2
13 Just put Carles Carles 41 0
14 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 39 4
15 St. Reatham FC Mike 38 1
16 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 36 1
17 Young Boys Denney 36 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 32 2
19 Headless Chickens John N 31 1
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 29 0
21 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 23 0
23 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Pikey Scum
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