Bottom pressure

Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?

Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.

Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.

“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.

“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”

One club currently under pressure is Polonia Forsyth.

The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.

Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.

“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.

Week 7's round up
Demba Ba's hat trick was a boost to Newington Reds
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Defoe coming good

The PSV manager
Upbeat: the PSV manager gave a spritely post-match interview on Sunday

Things are finally happening for the PSV Mornington manager.

After seeing his striker Jermaine Defoe pick up a goal and assist (10 points), the PSV boss looked optimistic and relaxed in his post-match interview on Sunday.

Currently lying seventh in the table, the highest place since joining the Kenna in 2009, PSV’s three years of faith in the diminutive target man ultimately seems to have paid off.

The interview was in stark contrast to the manager’s humble apology in May, after they spent most of the season at the bottom of the table.

“The first thing I spoke to Jermaine after the game on Sunday was ‘¿Dónde puñeta has estado? En el pasado, haces lo que le sale de los cajones, y ahora es la verga andando!

“I think he understands what I meant,” said the PSV manager, grabbing his crotch.

On the last week’s evidence, PSV look to have some form in the team with David De Gea and Danny Murphy both setting out markers.

The question remains whether ‘El Jefe’ can keep getting enough out of his team to challenge the 17-goal dominance of FC Testiculadew.

Arteta and Barton’s scores will be fully updated by next week’s update.

Week 6 - week's points
PSV topped the weekly scores
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So Long Gyan for Silver

Kenna table week 5
Kenna table - week 5

The Dynamo Charlton manager has been left stunned by Assamoah Gyan’s decision to leave the bright lights of the Kenna for the obscurity of the Etisalat Pro-league in the UAE, despite telling Jeff All News otherwise.

The Dynamo boss blamed so-called ‘parasites’ who emerged after Gyan’s excellent performance at a friendly against England in March.

“He’s been unsettled now, if we are being brutally honest, for weeks and months,” the Dynamo manager said.

“Since that game at Wembley, all the parasites, as I call them, hover around.

“Real Madrid was the first one, which I laughed at five months ago, but it started with that and it’s ended up with the United Arab Emirates.”

FC Testiculadew extended their lead at the top to 35 points with a hat trick from Wayne Rooney.

It looks increasingly difficult to stop the charge of the club, especially as they dominate the table without Bosnian goal machine Edin Dzeko.

“Bankers are morally inferior to looters,” said the FCT manager to nonplussed hacks outside the VD Stadium, when asked about his decision to leave Dzeko on the bench.

Elsehwere, Lokomotiv Leeds‘ Daniel Sturridge emerged as striker elect in west London.

Linking up with El Chicharito, Lokomotiv’s front men rustled up three goals this week to score the most points.

This is bads new for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, as Fernando Torres spent the weekend looking on from the sidelines and looks ever more marginalised.

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Gyan committed to Dynamo

Asamoah Gyan has told Jeff All News that he is disturbed by rumours claiming he was looking to leave Dynamo Charlton.

Reports emerged on deadline day that Gyan could be on his way out of the south London club, and it was also claimed that he had submitted a transfer request.

Gyan has now vehemently denied asking for a transfer, something which Dynamo also confirmed, and says he is very happy at the club.

“Those rumours have disturbed me to be honest,” he told Jeff All News.

“I do not want Dynamo fans to think I am not happy in Dynamo. I am happy with the manager who invested so much money in me and I will need to repay his faith.”

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Edin for glory

Click here to view the table
Kenna League - week 3

A record weekly total of nine goals saw FC Testiculadew lead the Kenna by 30 points.

Edin Dzeko (4), Wayne Rooney (3), Jose Bosingwa and Clint Dempsey (one each) were so destructive for FCT they even put 8 (eight) past their own goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.

With the international break upon us, the FCT boss also scooped August’s Manager of the Month award.

“Obviously there’s a lot of pressure coming to manage in a world-renouned league like the Kenna, but like a game of pocket billiards, everything’s in hand,” said the FCT manager, while grimacing and demonstrating his similie in a post-match interview.

There’s no beginner’s luck at the bottom of the table, where Dynamo Charlton have yet to find the net.

“Goals are overrated,” said the Dynamo manager.

Current champions Young Boys have also failed to notch.

In other news, it’s transfer deadline day. A time when managers hope that players aren’t lured away. Here’s a quick round up:

Spartak Mogadishu – Fabregas is already scoring in other leagues. There were 22 missed calls from Kia Joorabchian on the Spartak manager’s phone this morning.

Vasco De Beauvoir – the manager’s been sleeping by the office fax machine for the last three weeks waiting for news of Wesley Sneijder.

FC Testiculadew – Maicon’s not looking likely either, but the FCT manager isn’t sleeping by his fax machine.

Pikey Scum – Brett Emerton has racked off, Bouncer, and will play the rest of the season Down Under.

The Dan Terry Seduction – was not enough to keep Sotirios Kyrgiakos from going to the Bundesliga.

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Silva lining

Table week 2
Kenna League - week 2

The quick and crafty exploits of David Silva have Just Put Carles top of the table.

Two goals and some busy assists from the Spanish playmaker have helped JPC to 63 points, but four goals in total from the team may be a mirage hiding problems to come.

“Me cago en la hostia!” said the JPC manager, leaving church. “Cech, Zamora, Gerrard y Coleman are all injured, and Anderson scores so infrequently that his one gol means he won’t get another for months.”

JPC’s Chamakh cuts a lonely figure up front, especially now that Spartak Mogadishu’s midfield has a Cesc Fabregas-sized gap.

“Yarrrrrrr! That latino lilly-livered rogue be only good enough for keel haulin’,” said the Spartak manager, while locking Carlos Tevez in the brig at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Meanwhile, the Newington Reds manager was quoted as saying he was “upbeat” about Samir Nasri’s future.

However, with Ferdinand injured, Kolo Toure still serving a six-month drugs ban, the team second from bottom and Demba Ba up front, many are saying that optimism is all he’s got.

One club already breaking out the champagne is PSV Mornington, off the bottom of the table for the first time since 21 September last year. “We drink cava, not champagne,” said the PSV manager.

To view more data and individual player scores, download the spreadsheet on the right of the page under ‘Details’.

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Dream Kun-na start

Schoolboy cock
Young Boys' tactics: penetrative

Sergio Aguero stole the show in the Kenna openers taking just half an hour to rack up 14 points.

The Vasco De Beauvoir striker, nicknamed ‘Kun’ because of a JRR Tolkein-themed Elvish tattoo on his arm, scored two goals and provided an assist to Just Put Carles midfielder David Silva, who also netted.

Despite picking up four clean sheets, champions Young Boys’ start was marred by reports of disciplinary problems at the club after the sending off of Gervinho and a booking for Kieron Richardson.

“All my Young Boys are impeccably behaved,” said the manager, standing by his tactical whiteboard and rubbing off a schoolboy’s cock. “I rule this dressing room with a rod of iron.”

Debutants FC Testiculadew’s strike force of Rooney and Dzeko hit the ground running with a goal each, and Lurliners midfield looks productive with two assists from Ashley Young and a goal from Fabrice Muamba.

Having let in four goals already, Newington Reds goalkeeper Paddy Kenny could be even more exposed in the next six weeks now that Rio Ferdinand has picked up an injury.

“Kolo Toure didn’t make the bench and Samir Nasri: will he ever play?”  sighed the Reds manager.

The boffins at HQ are working around the clock to have the league table ready for next week.

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A sandwich short

As if the Kenna manager didn’t have enough to worry about what with all this violence and looting on the streets, there’s starting the season with gaps in the starting eleven.

Vasco De Beauvoir and FC Testiculadew are no closer to seeing Wesley Sniejder and Maicon move from the Alpine foothills, and the Pikey Scum manager will be a lot happier than his counterpart at Headless Chickens that ‘Chungy‘ will have trouble kicking a ball with his leg in plaster for the next nine months.

Bala Rinas could start with a gap in their midfield if Andrey Asharvin moves to big-spending Anzhi Makhachkala, and the Polonia Forsyth manager will be heartbroken if dart-and-tantrum throwing Mario Balotelli goes to Napoli.

There’s also an ironic blow for the Hairy Fadjeetas boss as midfielder Steven Pienaar was ruled out for six weeks with a groin injury.

Superfuzz will miss both Diaby and Higginbotham until September, while Lokomotiv Leeds will be without £21m Hernandez because of an acute brain condition, previously undetected by the club medical team, that threatens to derail his season.

In a press conference today at their Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager remained upbeat about his two signings Tevez and Fabregas staying at the club.

“There not be a soul in land ‘at’ll be lootin’ from I,” he said, while holding a terrified-looking reporter at cutlass point and making him turn out his pockets. “These so-called ‘looters’ need to be given a good keelhaulin’, an’ thar be no mistakin’ ‘at!”

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The thorn in your side

Gary Mabbutt
"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"

The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.

Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.

The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.

This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.

The updated ruling – highlights

Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:

  • More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
  • A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.

Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).

Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.

Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.

The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12

Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.

If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.

Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.


1 John Ruddy Norwich
2 Jose Moreira Swansea City
3 Paddy Kenny QPR


1 Titus Bramble Sunderland
2 Danny Shittu QPR
3 Zak Whitbread Norwich City
4 Angel Rangel Swansea City
5 Rafik Halliche Fulham
6 Christophe Berra Wolves
7 Stotirios Kyrgiakos Liverpool
8 Pablo Ibanez West Bromwich Albion


1 Shaun Wright-Phillips Manchester City
2 Josh McEachran Chelsea
3 Emmanuel Frimpong Arsenal
4 Christian Poulson Liverpool
5 Hendry Thomas Wigan Athletic
6 Darron Gibson Manchester United
7 Michael Tonge Stoke City
8 Dan Gosling Newcastle United


1 Michael Owen Manchester United
2 Ji Dong-Won Sunderland
3 Emile Heskey Aston Villa
4 Conor Sammon Wigan Athletic
5 Magaye Gueye Everton
6 Sam Vokes Wolves
7 Roman Bednar West Bromwich Albion
8 Mamady Sidibie Stoke City

Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.

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