Weekly updates – Page 23 – The Jeff Kenna League

Like Rat from a sinking rat

Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)

RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.

The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.

Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.

Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.

@jeffkennaleague pic.twitter.com/vtsViE1jOs

— Peter Ball (@peterball01) January 31, 2014

Samurai’s Danny Osvaldo is set to leave Newington Reds for Italy, Philipe Senderos will depart from Pikey Scum for Spain and the decision to ‘release Bryan’ is an expensive one for KS West Green.

Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.

FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.

As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.

Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.

Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.

Cheerio

Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox

Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet

Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green

Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton

Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum

Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green

Bramble tied

FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael

PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer

Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters

Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic

Red Arrows to mark anniversary Kenna auction

Red Arrows flypast — Day to remember: An artist’s impression of crowds gathered for the 10th anniversary Kenna auction this August (photo courtesy of the Ministry of Defence)

THE Red Arrows will join this summer’s 10th anniversary Kenna auction celebrations.

In their famous diamond formation, the RAF aerobatic team will stage a flypast outside the pub where the auction is due to take place on Saturday 9 August.

“We’re delighted to announce the Red Arrows will be part of the celebrations for our landmark 10th Kenna football auction,” confirmed the chairman today at a press conference in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“The motto of the Red Arrows is ‘eclat’ or excellence, and this mutual aspiration for the highest standards between our organisations is surely the reason why they’ll agree to mark this culmination of two cornerstones of British society: football and pubs.

“The league is the envy of football and pub fans the world over. With membership growing in the league each year, we can be certain this summer’s event will see up to 25 managers competing for the prize.”

Flypast request — Confident: The chairman waved a copy of the flypast request to the media

Initial respect from assembled journalists was quickly overtaken by scepticism when it emerged the chairman had only just faxed off the Red Arrows flypast request to the Ministry of Defence in the last 10 minutes.

“Of course, we haven’t heard back from the RAF yet. They’re busy playing cricket on an airfield or getting their batman to lay out formal evening wear, but we’ve made a watertight request well ahead of the 31 March deadline.

“There’s not a doubt in my mind the squadron leader or bomber command, or whoever the handlebar moustache is in charge of these things, will rubber stamp the request and give our 10th Kenna auction the sense of occasion it deserves.”

The chairman refused to confirm the exact location of the auction since it was ‘now a matter of national security’.

Founded by eight managers in The Old Bank of England on Fleet Street in August 2005, the Kenna has occupied many of London’s pubs since, growing in both size and prestige.

Next week will see this season’s second transfer window, where managers release their unwanted players and then head to the pub to buy replacements at auction.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	KS West Green	Stix	33	3
2	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	29	0
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	28	2
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	26	0
5	Pikey Scum	Jack	20	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	20	0
7	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	17	1
8	FC Testiculadew	James N	17	0
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	16	1
10	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	0
11	Team Panda Rules OK	George	14	2
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	1
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	0
14	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	13	2
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	13	0
16	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	12	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	11	0
18	St. Reatham FC	Mike	10	1
19	Piedmonte	Phil	9	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	7	0
21	Just put Carles	Carles	3	0
22	Young Boys	Denney	2	0
23	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	-00	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Aguero, S – MCY – STR
		Club	*KS West Green*

‘Kenna DVDs’ turn up in phone-hacking trial

Former glories: A Jenna Jameson film is at the centre of a Kenna controversy involving former league winner the Young Boys manager and the phone-hacking trial (photo courtesy of worldstreetphotos.com)

SECRET videos belonging to football clubs in the Kenna League have turned up into the phone-hacking trial at the Old Bailey, it has been claimed.

Amongst the contents of a bag alleged by the prosecution to have been hidden by Rebekah Brooks’s husband the day she was arrested, investigators unearthed several adult DVDs including the title Where the Boys aren’t 17.

The manager of Kenna League club Young Boys of Vauxhall says the film contains through-the-keyhole recordings of his side’s top secret training sessions.

The Welshman claims the illicit content has compromised his team’s competitiveness this season.

Disgruntled supporters’ groups have pointed out the Young Boys manager’s outburst is merely a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the club’s appalling league form and failure to progress from the Canesten Combi Cup group stages this week.

They also claim the film has nothing to do with Young Boys and is actually a romp starring ‘The Queen of Porn’ Jenna Jameson on a plane full of lesbians.

@jeffkennaleague Tell him I want those back!

— Andrew Denney (@andenney) January 21, 2014

The Sporting Lesbian manager, another Canesten Combi Cup group C side eliminated from the tournament, is also said to have mobilised club lawyers after two other lesbian films were found in Charlie Brooks’s bag: Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 2 and Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 3.

Media commentators maintain such a link between the high-profile criminal case and London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is whimsical at best.

Meanwhile, the PSV Mornington renaissance continued this week under their maverick new manager, a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

Santi Cazorla scored two goals for PSV to both ensure their progress out of group D of the Canesten Combi Cup and cut the gap on fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu and the aforementioned Young Boys.

Known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ to wags at the club, the caretaker manager was given the job permanently last week after turning around their fortunes in the league and cup.

The former PSV manager was sacked before Christmas for overseeing five of the worst months of performances in Kenna history.

The last 16 draw for the Canesten Combi Cup will take place at the season’s second transfer window two weeks on Friday.

Managers have until noon on Wednesday 5 February to submit their unwanted players to Kenna HQ. Two days later an auction will be held at The Enterprise in Holborn where managers can fill the gaps in their team with available players and the gaps in their stomach by several glasses of premium lager.

Cup group stage results

Cup group stage final standings January 2014

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	46	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	43	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	39	2
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	37	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	36	4
7	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	34	2
8	Headless Chickens	John N	34	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	32	2
10	KS West Green	Stix	30	2
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	29	3
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
13	Just put Carles	Carles	24	0
14	St. Reatham FC	Mike	23	0
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	2
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	22	1
17	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	1
21	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
22	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	12	0
23	Young Boys	Denney	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	22	Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
		Club	FC Testiculadew

Pep ‘Cardiola’ given permanent PSV job

Pep Guardiola Roman Abramovich — Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)

A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.

Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.

There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.

Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.

Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.

In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.

For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Kenna performance chart January 2014 — Kenna performance chart August to December 2014

Kenna table

Kenna League week 19 - 14 January 2014 — Kenna League week 19 – 14 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	41	3
2	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	35	3
3	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	34	3
4	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	0
6	Young Boys	Denney	29	0
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	27	3
8	KS West Green	Stix	24	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	24	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	1
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	21	0
14	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
15	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	1
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
19	St. Reatham FC	Mike	18	0
20	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	17	1
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	1
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
23	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Johnson, A – SUN – MID
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday — On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

@jeffkennaleague @abdinw1 That’s my one man team decimated.

— Alex Bass (@alexbass75) January 6, 2014

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014 — Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14	Team Panda Rules OK	v	Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14	Still Don’t Know Yet	v	Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14	KS West Green	v	This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14	Just put Carles	v	Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14	Pikey Scum	v	Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14	FC Testiculadew	v	St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14	Spartak Mogadishu	v	Newington Reds
21-Jan-14	Northern Monkeys	v	Young Boys
21-Jan-14	Headless Chickens	v	Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14	PSV Mornington	v	Piedmonte
21-Jan-14	Bala Rinas	v	Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014 — Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	58	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	55	5
3	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	55	2
5	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	53	3
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	52	4
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	47	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	45	2
10	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	41	2
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	41	2
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	35	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	30	2
17	KS West Green	Stix	28	1
18	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	2
19	Just put Carles	Carles	27	1
20	FC Testiculadew	James N	26	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	25	0
22	Team Panda Rules OK	George	23	2
23	Piedmonte	Phil	21	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Bony, W – SWA – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

The Kenna 2013 end of year awards

Tactical Brambling’s the FC Testiculadew manager was beaten to the Kenna’s biggest nemesis in 2013 award. But by who?

The next 24 hours will see New Year celebrations from everyone in the world, except perhaps the Schumachers.

Therefore – as Hairy Fadjeetas become the fourth team this season to sit on top of the table – it’s time to look back on the last 12 months in the Kenna to recognise the best, worst, biggest, most inappropriate and most mediocre of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football competition.

“What a year it’s been,” said the chairman, more focused on visiting the Polish mountain town of Żywiec today.

Best newcomer – the Sporting Lesbian manager

Michu, Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero allowed the debut manager to cruise to victory in May…

Performance of the year – Spartak Mogadishu

…but Sporting Lesbian’s domineering league success was not enough to overshadow the previous season’s record set by FC Testiculadew. It was the Pirates’ 7-1 walloping of Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final – including hat tricks from Kevin Nolan and Romeleu Lukaku – that was the stand out effort.

Worst performance of the year – the PSV Mornington manager

The opportunity to rectify a dire situation at October’s transfer window was shunned, and the Catalan was out on his ear by Christmas, setting the record for the worst ever start to a campaign and the earliest ever Kenna sacking.

The Wally with the Brolly award for most hapless tournament campaign – Bala Rinas

Despite worrying the top three places this term, success comes rarely to the league treasurer. Never was this is in so much evidence as January when yet another disastrous trophy attempt came to a sorry end. Played four, lost four is the worst Canesten Combi Cup group stage performance ever. And he had Gareth Bale.

Captain Mainwaring leadership award – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Many will claim his task of whipping a bunch of misfits into into some sort of shape should sew this one up for the Kenna League chairman. But when questioned in February on his decision not to release absentees Drusille Ngako and Anton Ferndinand ahead of the transfer window, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager came out with this corker: “Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

Biggest dilemma ahead of a transfer window award – Juan Mata or Demba Ba?

How the outcast PSV Mornington manager must have wished for this doozy in the recent October window? Back in January his side were flying high, but Demba Ba’s move to London meant he either had to jettison the goal hungry Senagalese or the mercurial Juan Mata. His decision to keep Mata was vindicated when the Spaniard went onto be widely lauded as the player of last season, while Ba lost his way. All three of them must look back fondly from their current slumps.

The Dr Evil award for the Kenna’s biggest nemesis – the Catholic Church

Despite his obvious talents at administrating a group of men whose names should be on some sort of police register, the chairman was cruelly overlooked by the Vatican when the big job came up in February. To add insult to injury the chairman was again thwarted by those fools in Rome in October when the farcical timing of his even more farcical marriage lessons meant the transfer window schedule had to rearranged.

The Kevin Keegan ‘I would LOVE it’ award for coping with April pressure – the Woking manager

Natalie Sawyer, Chobham Common, a socket wrench and a Genesis classic. Cue darkness.

The Jack Wilshere xenophobe award – Mo Farrah’s pirate accent

Not even Jack’s misplaced comments on English nationality could overshadow the heinous crime of cack handedly bringing the UK’s favourite Somali immigrant into the ongoing Spartak Mogadishu pirate gags.

The Amsterdam red light district award for most false promise in the window – Jason Puncheon

Despite his unpredictable bowl movements, Jason Puncheon’s run of form leading up to the February transfer window attracted a sizeable fee. His average performances for the rest of season were not enough to help Vasco De Beauvoir avoid the drop.

The Notorious BIG Life After Death award for best post-Kenna career – the former manager of The Dan Terry Seduction

From boardroom dressing downs to unsuccessfully slipping a roofy to a young, female journalist, The Dan Terry Seduction’s former boss had all the qualities of a Kenna manager off the pitch. When inevitable relegation and P45 collection came, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and turned his particular talents to terrorising a middle England golf club. Rumour has it he still parks in the club pro’s reserved space.

The Men from the Ministry Bureaucratic Balls Up award – Kenna HQ

Just Put Carles may have been trounced in the Canesten Combi Cup final, but it’s remarkable they even made it past the quarter finals. Initially Sporting Lesbian had been announced as victors of the tie, but inaccuracies were spotted and a few days later Kenna HQ revised the outcome. Where was the chairman during this state of emergency? Allegedly dicking around in Warsaw at the former Gestapo HQ. The champions league first goal scorer sweepstake, which no one won because Mario Mandzukic wasn’t in the hat, comes a close second.

Best night out – August auction

The Two Chairmen in Trafalgar Square followed by a casino visit at the February window and the nine-hour session in the Pakenham Arms at the end of season awards in May were both eclipsed by August’s marathon event. Eight hours of bidding for players in the upstairs bar The Roebuck, followed by another six surrounded by intrepid young Spanish women on a disco boat moored at Temple Pier, left many managers reeling for several days.

The Operation Yewtree award for best youth set up – the Young Boys manager

Rolf Harris locked in a Vauxhall flat with 10 Young Boys.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	61	4
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	58	3
3	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	57	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	52	2
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	49	2
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	47	3
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	46	3
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	44	3
9	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	42	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	1
11	FC Testiculadew	James N	42	1
12	Young Boys	Denney	41	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	2
14	Headless Chickens	John N	40	1
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	40	1
16	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	39	1
17	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	38	2
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	2
19	KS West Green	Stix	33	0
20	Just put Carles	Carles	29	2
21	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
22	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Walcott, T – ARS – MID
		Club	*Dynamo Charlton*

PSV Mornington sack manager

Pons elf — Close to the sack: The PSV Mornington manager on Saturday

PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.

A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.

Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.

A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.

“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”

The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.

He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.

The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.

Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.

The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.

Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Worst Christmas ever

The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.

17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points

14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)

16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)

19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)

18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)

13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)

17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	48	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	39	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	38	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	35	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	31	0
8	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
13	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	21	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
16	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	2
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	0
18	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	13	1
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	St. Reatham FC	Mike	13	1
22	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	0
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

The Case of the Missing Eight Games

Goldeneye archives — Explosive: Luis Suarez has earned a place in the archives

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Cup results - 10 December 2013 — Canesten Combi Cup results – 10 December 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	69	4
2	KS West Green	Stix	63	4
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	60	4
4	Piedmonte	Phil	60	0
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	55	5
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	55	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	2
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	50	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	47	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	41	0
12	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	32	2
15	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	2
16	Just put Carles	Carles	32	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	31	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	31	0
20	Young Boys	Denney	31	0
21	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	29	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	38	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Piedmonte worry top as boss parties Down Under

Piedmonte manager in Australia — Mental Oriental: As Piedmonte flourish thousands of miles away the team’s manager enjoys more unorthodox pastimes

SAMIR Nasri has urged his manager not to come back from Australia in case a return ruins the club’s fantastic run of form.

The French midfielder scored twice for Piedmonte on the weekend which, added to goals from Shane Long and Steven Gerrard, helped fire the club second in the Kenna League.

The performance cuts Headless Chickens‘ lead to just 12 points, the lowest margin since they went top in mid September.

It is the Piedmonte manager’s best league position since he came second in the Kenna eight years ago, and all while the Englishman tours a former penal colony in the southern hemisphere.

Now his players have demanded their manager stays away from the club, claiming they can do a better job without him.

“The way we’re playing, we hope the boss never comes back. It’s no secret that the boss is a bit of a xenophobe, and I think certainly for me and some of the lads in the dressing room have got a renewed focus from not having to sing Jerusalem before games or being forced to drink a popular brand of weak English lager on Friday nights,” said Nasri, who’s enjoying his best run of form since joining the Kenna in 2008.

It’s not the first time the Piedmonte manager’s British bulldog mentality has been called into question. Overseeing years of steady decline at former club Thieving Magpies, his decision to pick English-only players was thought to have been vindicated just over a year ago. Lasting legacy was short-lived.

If the Piedmonte manager can tear himself away from hostilities in Adelaide for a few moments this weekend, he’ll be hoping his side can get something out of their Canesten Combi Cup group stage match with Hairy Fadjeetas.

Despite goals from Aaron Ramsey and Yoan Gouffran on the weekend, the Fadges slipped to third in the table.

Both managers are yet to win any Kenna league or cup silverware.

Kenna table

Kenna wk 13 - 26 November 2013 — Kenna wk 13 – 26 November 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	St. Reatham FC	Mike	51	5
2	Piedmonte	Phil	50	3
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	2
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	1
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	3
6	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	31	1
7	Just put Carles	Carles	31	1
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	30	1
9	FC Testiculadew	James N	29	0
10	Pikey Scum	Jack	27	1
11	Headless Chickens	John N	24	0
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	21	0
13	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	20	2
14	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	0
16	KS West Green	Stix	18	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	18	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
20	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	13	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	11	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	10	0
23	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Long, S – WBA – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic

Stalin bidding — Red mist: Afterwards the mood changed dramatically when he realised the player he’d just bought was out injured for the rest of the season

IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.

In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.

They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.

The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.

That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.

Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.

Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.

If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.

At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.

The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?

Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.

But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.

The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.

So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.

Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.

It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks

Week 2 cup standings - 26 November 2013 — Week 2 cup standings – 26 November 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	37	2
2	KS West Green	Stix	37	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
4	Young Boys	Denney	30	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	1
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	28	3
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	1
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	26	3
10	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	20	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	20	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
14	FC Testiculadew	James N	18	2
15	St. Reatham FC	Mike	17	1
16	Just put Carles	Carles	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	15	0
19	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	1
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	13	1
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lampard, F – CHE – MID
		Club	Dynamo Charlton