Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux
Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Weekly scores - 13 December 2011
Weekly scores - 13 December 2011

 

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Cut out for mid-table

PSV coaching staff
The PSV Mornington coaching staff

The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.

His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.

He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”

This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.

“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.

Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.

The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.

Weekly scores 6 December 2011
Weekly scores - 6 December 2011
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Mata of fact

Bench
Edin Dzeko's winter home

Even without Rafa van der Vaart, Lokomotiv Leeds are giving FC Testiculadew a challenge; Little Pea, Dean Sturridge and the unlikely Victor Moses providing the lion’s share of the team’s points this week.

It’s fortunate that the Yorkshire club are just Juan Mata’s contribution this week behind, as the pack are ambling along 50 points off the leader.

The Chairman said: “Betting without Lokomotiv, only a small miracle can stop Mata and his FCT chums from completely running off with the league.

“Well, either a small miracle or playing Rooney deep in midfield and leaving Dzeko on the bench for a few games, although the latter doesn’t seem to be helping.”

Weekly scores - 29 November 2011
Weekly scores - 29 November 2011
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Chuck Norris*

Barn owls
Robin van Persie, Chuck Norris and a barn owl watch JPF ship another goal

Anyone would assume that with Robin van Persie in your starting line up, your team would be soaring up the league.

Not the Judean Peoples’ Front boss, who really is struggling to spread his wings in midtable despite the Dutchman’s form.

“If Robin van Persie were a bird of prey, he’s be a fooking barn owl,” asserted the JPF manager in a faux Lancashire accent outside their Nazareth Rec home ground.

“As for the rest of my team they can flock off . Cleverly and Gallas are injured, the defence is sh1te, and why did I buy Shaun Derry?” said the beleagured manager, spitting feathers.

*For those who have no idea what this post is about ask the JPF manager to tell the story at the next transfer window

Weekly scores - 22 November 2011
Week 14 - scores
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Management training

Vasco presentation
"...to be a successful manager you need skill, judgement, luck and not to be so far gone on auction night that you wake up the next day with Titus Bramble...especially now he's inside."

A little later than planned, last week’s scores are now available.

The table would’ve been up sooner, but the Chairman and Vasco boss were away on a management training course (in separate hotel rooms, mind).

Honoured to have been invited, the Vasco manager prepared a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation for the group entitled ‘Leading Your Team To Success’.

Unfortunately, the delegates did not share the Vasco manager’s enthusiasm for going through each week’s spreadsheet of the 2005/06 season, and he made a sharp exit before the crowd turned.

Luckily, the Chairman had already started the car.

Glory assured

Once this cursed international break is over, we’ll have definitely learned one thing: a team can be as comfortable in their fancy dan possession as they like, but to win matches a side doesn’t need the skill to string together more than three passes.

Certainly, the England team, in fact England as a whole, will now adopt this philosophy and full-scale frenzy will descend upon the country until they slink out of Poland and/or Ukraine after losing on penalties to a Republic of Ireland team who can string together just two passes.

If any Englishmen out there start thinking “Maybe we could just do it this….” Stop! Have a word with yourself. We haven’t done it for 46 years.

The tumbleweed will surface in the Sweden game.

Week 13 points
Week 13 points
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Ba-ri-hatrick

Ba hatrick
Ba hatrick

Newington Reds striker Demba Ba scored his second hatrick of the campaign to maintain the club’s position in the the top four.

The Senegalese hitman has finally found his way after a slow start for reasons the Spartak Mogadishu manager may do well to note.

The Reds manager was further buoyed by clean sheets from new signings Phil Jones and John Arne Riise.

“Obviously, I’ll be hitting the bar,” chortled the Newington Reds boss.

Newbie surge

Rooky managers continued the trend of impressing themselves on the Kenna as Lokomotiv Leeds snatched second place.

A goal and an assist from Rafael van der Vaart stole the show the for Yorkshire outfit.

The Dutch playmaker had briefly been signed by Vasco De Beauvoir on auction night, until the ill-advised purchase of Wesley Sneijder.

Vasco are ninth in the table.

Bannan-a skin

The Pikey Scum gaffer was forced to take a long hard look at himself this week, after two players released in the transfer window scored goals.

Stylian Petrov, who was snapped up by rivals Superfuzz, netted, as did free agent Andy Carroll.

Scum replaced Petrov with Scottish talent Barry Bannan.

“He hasn’t turned out to be quite the midfield driving force we’d hoped for,” lamented the Scum boss.

Weekly scores - 1 Nov 2011
Weekly scores - 1 November 2011
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Balotelli fires up Polonia boss

Fireworks
Pocket rocket: Balotelli produced the goods

Polonia Forsyth has always been a team associated with grinding, but this week they finally ground into action.

Overwhelmed by the flair of  Mario Balotelli, the Polonia manager was figuratively lit up like a Christmas tree in Sunday’s post-match interview.

“There’s always fireworks when Mario’s around,” she sighed. “He’s got a short fuse but really rose to the occasion. He can set fire to my towels any day.”

There was further welcome news for the Polonia boss this week, who decision to rest her star defender Vidic after his comeback from injury spared him a six-goal drubbing.

The club jettisoned deadwood Fabianski and Essien in the transfer window.

Rodallega also left the club, but was snapped up by third-placed Newington Reds.

Kenna HQ will publish updated transfer window team sheets this week.

Weekly scores - week 11
Weekly scores

kjnijni

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Dropping the N-bomb

Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra
"Where's your caravan?"

The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.

“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.

The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.

“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”

Weekly scores 18 October 2011
Weekly scores 18 October 2011
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Bikini bottom

Hairy Fadjeetas

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.

Week 8's total scores
Week 8's total scores
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Bottom pressure

Whiskey
Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?

Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.

Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.

“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.

“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”

One club currently under pressure is Polonia Forsyth.

The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.

Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.

“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.

Week 7's round up
Demba Ba's hat trick was a boost to Newington Reds
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