A record weekly total of nine goals saw FC Testiculadew lead the Kenna by 30 points.
Edin Dzeko (4), Wayne Rooney (3), Jose Bosingwa and Clint Dempsey (one each) were so destructive for FCT they even put 8 (eight) past their own goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.
With the international break upon us, the FCT boss also scooped August’s Manager of the Month award.
“Obviously there’s a lot of pressure coming to manage in a world-renouned league like the Kenna, but like a game of pocket billiards, everything’s in hand,” said the FCT manager, while grimacing and demonstrating his similie in a post-match interview.
There’s no beginner’s luck at the bottom of the table, where Dynamo Charlton have yet to find the net.
“Goals are overrated,” said the Dynamo manager.
Current champions Young Boys have also failed to notch.
In other news, it’s transfer deadline day. A time when managers hope that players aren’t lured away. Here’s a quick round up:
Spartak Mogadishu – Fabregas is already scoring in other leagues. There were 22 missed calls from Kia Joorabchian on the Spartak manager’s phone this morning.
Vasco De Beauvoir – the manager’s been sleeping by the office fax machine for the last three weeks waiting for news of Wesley Sneijder.
FC Testiculadew – Maicon’s not looking likely either, but the FCT manager isn’t sleeping by his fax machine.
Pikey Scum – Brett Emerton has racked off, Bouncer, and will play the rest of the season Down Under.
The quick and crafty exploits of David Silva have Just Put Carles top of the table.
Two goals and some busy assists from the Spanish playmaker have helped JPC to 63 points, but four goals in total from the team may be a mirage hiding problems to come.
“Me cago en la hostia!” said the JPC manager, leaving church. “Cech, Zamora, Gerrard y Coleman are all injured, and Anderson scores so infrequently that his one gol means he won’t get another for months.”
JPC’s Chamakh cuts a lonely figure up front, especially now that Spartak Mogadishu’s midfield has a Cesc Fabregas-sized gap.
“Yarrrrrrr! That latino lilly-livered rogue be only good enough for keel haulin’,” said the Spartak manager, while locking Carlos Tevez in the brig at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
Meanwhile, the Newington Reds manager was quoted as saying he was “upbeat” about Samir Nasri’s future.
However, with Ferdinand injured, Kolo Toure still serving a six-month drugs ban, the team second from bottom and Demba Ba up front, many are saying that optimism is all he’s got.
One club already breaking out the champagne is PSV Mornington, off the bottom of the table for the first time since 21 September last year. “We drink cava, not champagne,” said the PSV manager.
To view more data and individual player scores, download the spreadsheet on the right of the page under ‘Details’.
Sergio Aguero stole the show in the Kenna openers taking just half an hour to rack up 14 points.
The Vasco De Beauvoir striker, nicknamed ‘Kun’ because of a JRR Tolkein-themed Elvish tattoo on his arm, scored two goals and provided an assist to Just Put Carles midfielder David Silva, who also netted.
Despite picking up four clean sheets, champions Young Boys’ start was marred by reports of disciplinary problems at the club after the sending off of Gervinho and a booking for Kieron Richardson.
“All my Young Boys are impeccably behaved,” said the manager, standing by his tactical whiteboard and rubbing off a schoolboy’s cock. “I rule this dressing room with a rod of iron.”
Debutants FC Testiculadew’s strike force of Rooney and Dzeko hit the ground running with a goal each, and Lurliners midfield looks productive with two assists from Ashley Young and a goal from Fabrice Muamba.
Having let in four goals already, Newington Reds goalkeeper Paddy Kenny could be even more exposed in the next six weeks now that Rio Ferdinand has picked up an injury.
“Kolo Toure didn’t make the bench and Samir Nasri: will he ever play?” sighed the Reds manager.
The boffins at HQ are working around the clock to have the league table ready for next week.
In a press conference today at their Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager remained upbeat about his two signings Tevez and Fabregas staying at the club.
“There not be a soul in land ‘at’ll be lootin’ from I,” he said, while holding a terrified-looking reporter at cutlass point and making him turn out his pockets. “These so-called ‘looters’ need to be given a good keelhaulin’, an’ thar be no mistakin’ ‘at!”