The highs and lows of Dulwich Red Sox

THE Dulwich Red Sox manager is not eligible for any Kenna prize money because he has failed to pay a single penny of subs since 2011, according to league authorities.

Moving to an unprecedented second place in the table this week, the DRS manager is enjoying his best ever season in the Kenna with strong contributions from Mo Salah (150 points), Raul Jiminez (111) and Richarlison (97), but it could all be for nothing.

‘We’re sending a strong message to managers they must pay their subs,’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.

‘The Dulwich Red Sox manager has continually flouted requests to pay any monies whatsoever to the league and currently owes £100. He just turns up at auctions and talks b0ll0cks.’

The parsimonious DRS manager claims he has a longstanding appeal with the Kenna over a Daniel-Sturridge-first-to-score-sweepstake misunderstanding in August 2013.

Interviewed backstage at a badly-organised live music event, the DRS manager says he still refuses to cover his subs until the bet is honoured.

‘I get a sniff of league success and now I hear the Kenna isn’t going to pay out. At first it left me with a numb feeling and now I just have so much emotion rushing around inside me I’ll be up all night.’

A habitual absentee from transfer windows, the DRS manager faces a big decision this Friday if he wants to stay in with a chance of at least maintaining his league position.

Key player Aaron Ramsey is heading to Germany, Gary Cahill’s scored three points all season and Claudio Bravo is yet to appear. Nearly £30m is in the Dulwich Red Sox coffers.

Like the rest of the league, the DRS manager has until 9am on Friday to submit his released players to Kenna HQ before the window opens that night at 7pm in the Hoop & Grapes.

Krakow Cup – knock out stage fixtures

Last 16 – first leg: 12 February, second leg: 26 February

  1. Turnpike Pirates v Test Team please ignore
  2. Clotted Cream First v Fat Ladies
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas v Dagger’n’Redbridge
  4. Piss Poor v Pikey Scum
  5. Tottenham Network Solutions v Newington Reds
  6. Lokomotiv Leeds v Chairman’s XI
  7. Dulwich Red Sox v Dynamo Charlton
  8. Thieving Magpies v Sporting Lesbian

Quarter final – first leg: 5 March, second leg: 19 March

A. 1 v 3

B. 2 v 6

C. 5 v 7

D. 4 v 8

Semi final – first leg: 9 April, second leg: 23 April

A v B

C v D

Final – 14 May

Kenna table week 22

Kenna table week 22 - 29 January 2019
Kenna table week 22 – 29 January 2019
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Kenna manager fears over missing striker

KENNA League managers have expressed their growing concern over the disappearance of Argentine footballer Emiliano Sala.

The Piper Malibu light aircraft carrying the striker vanished over the English Channel on Monday night.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager was first to comment from his rolled-down car window outside the club’s Bellend Road stadium.

‘I’m worried sick for the lad. He was scoring loads of goals in France and had promise coming to England.

‘Alvaro Morata’s been a flop for Lokomotiv this season and I was hoping to be in with a chance of signing Sala at next Friday’s transfer window.’

The Pikey Scum manager echoed those concerns: ‘Devastated. What more can you say? Harry Kane’s injured until March and if I’m to have any chance of challenging for the league I’ll need a decent replacement at a decent price. This shocking news can only drive up bidding values.’

The Sporting Lesbian manager took a more Cumbrian approach to expressing his concerns over the missing Sala.

‘I paid £23m for Arnautovic and now he’s buggering off to China. I’ve only got £7m in the bank and the best strikers out there are Fernando Llorente, Jurgen Locadia and Isaac Success.

‘I’m going to need a bloody miracle.’

Managers have until 9am on Friday 1 February to submit their players to be released to Kenna HQ.

The season’s second transfer window will open at 7pm that night in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Krakow Cup results – final group game and standings

Krakow Cup – third place group standings (top four qualify)

PositionTeamPlayedFor AgainstDifference Points
1 (Q)Fat Ladies38294-126
2 (Q)Dagger’n’Redbridge39294-23
3 (Q)Pikey Scum3120127-73
4 (Q)Newington Reds37786-93
5Cowley Casuals3134144-103
6Judean Peoples’ Front37398-253

Kenna table week 21

Kenna week 21 - 22 January 2019
Kenna week 21 – 22 January 2019
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Kenna rocked by ‘spygate’

A KENNA manager is being held by the league’s manager experiences department on suspicion of spying on other clubs, it was revealed today.

The unnamed manager is under investigation for spying on Young Boys, Hairy Fadjeetas, Sporting Lesbians and Craving Cottaging.

According to a source at Kenna HQ, when questioned about why he had chosen to spy on those four clubs and not others like the Chairman’s XI or Pikey Scum he replied: ‘I wouldn’t be interested in that sort of thing.

‘I once spied on Piss Poor, but it didn’t turn out to be what I thought it might.’

Injury to Pikey Scum’s Harry Kane will be welcome news at Bikini Lane, home ground of Hairy Fadjeetas. They now top the table by more than 100 points.

Krakow Cup fixtures this weekend – final group game

Piss PoorvTurnpike Pirates
Craving CottagingvNewington Reds
Clotted Cream FirstvFC Testiculadew
Daegger’n RedbridgevThieving Magpies
Fat LadiesvTest team please ignore
Still dont know yetvTottenham Network Solutions
Hairy FadjeetasvDynamo Charlton
Young BoysvPikey Scum
Mo me the ManevChairman’s XI
Cowley CasualsvDulwich Red Sox
Lokomotiv LeedsvSporting Lesbian
Judean Peoples’ FrontvBala Rinas

Kenna table week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 20 - 15 January 2019
Kenna table week 20 – 15 January 2019
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Wayne’s Struggle

Given the brevity of a career in professional football I had decided to plan for retirement by going into vegetable farming. I purchased a cabbage farm. Keen to employ a local workforce, I advertised in the local paper and a number of people from the Polish community applied. They worked hard and they worked long hours, so in return…

@WayneHennessey1

…I had some crude wooden huts built so they could shelter from the weather. To give them a team spirit I was kindly given some 2000-01 Crystal Palace shirts which were fine aside from a mistake at the factory which meant instead of having red and blue stripes they were brown and a grey/green colour. After a number of cabbage thefts…

@WayneHennessey1

…from the farm, I took advice from a security consultant. Having erected a 10-foot perimeter fence of barbed wire around the farm, I decided to take on the security firm, who were called All Black Security due to the founders coming from New Zealand. In accordance with their brand guidelines their security uniforms were all black. As part of the security company’s sustainability strategy their guard dogs…

@WayneHennessey1

…were rescued from a local animal shelter for German shepherds. It was therefore not my intention, upon inviting a children’s group from the local synagogue to find out more about vegetable farming, to give the impression I was operating a fully-functional concentration camp. I understand how this could be misconstrued and I assure you my values or the values of my cabbage farm do not tally with this version of events. I would never do that, and any resemblance is coincidental. Love and peace.

@WayneHennessey1

Krakow Cup – second group match results

Krakow Cup – 8 January 2019

Krakow Cup third place qualifying group (top four qualify)

PosTeamForAgainstDiffPts
1Clotted Cream First7576-13
2Newington Reds5862-43
3Dynamo Charlton7487-133
4Fat Ladies6383-203
5Chairman’s XI90124-343
6Bala Rinas61114-533

Kenna table week 19

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The Big Win

EXCITEMENT around Kenna HQ was palpable.

It was more than just the buzz from a festive excess of cheese, sloe gin or the realisation you can buy a round for the whole of a country pub for the price of two pints on Theobalds Road.

The treasurer apparently had some investment news.

The promise of a windfall was affecting different football administrators in different ways.

The vice chairman booked out the board room and was phoning his ‘contact’ for a bumper order ahead of the second transfer window. It was rumoured he would be organising the event in the chairman’s likely absence.

Giggles of glee could be heard from the charts and graphs department in anticipation of entering big numbers in their little boxes.

The chalkstripes from speculations had headed to the Kenna HQ local, the Goalshy Badger, especially early and were bounding around the public bar pool table in high spirits in between unusually long stints in the gents.

The most hubbub, however, came from the chairman‘s office.

“We can finally open the Kenna club, buy premises, get those club ties!” he was heard shouting over the din of his cocktail cabinet.

“Finally, we can attract a higher class of manager. I won’t have to slum it with these taffs, pirates and tactical dimwits,” he later claimed was misheard.

After lunch, the Kenna committee gathered in the lounge bar of the Goalshy Badger for the treasurer’s full report. The chairman opened the meeting.

“Mr treasurer, we understand you have good news for me….ahem…for the league. Pray share this update with the committee.”

As the treasurer stood preparing to speak, the chairman leafed through a brochure of commercial premises in Mayfair. The vice chairman continued to pour the contents of a small plastic bag into urine sample pots of cider.

“Our investment vehicle has made a return for the first time in 10 years,” announced the treasurer to an expectant committee.

“Tell us,” demanded the chairman, “Tell us how much? Is it £50k? £100k? No, no, you don’t mean you got a visit from Agent Million?”

Shaking, the head of charts and graphs knocked back one of the urine sample pots.

The treasurer looked embarrassed.

“Umm, it’s £25,” he said.

The room went quiet. After a few moments the chairman arose, stuffed seven urine sample pots into his pockets and disappeared over the road into the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

It would be some time before he emerged.

Krakow Cup fixtures – second group match

Group APiss Poor00Newington Reds
Group ACraving Cottaging00Turnpike Pirates
Group BClotted Cream First00Thieving Magpies
Group BDaegger’n Redbridge00FC Testiculadew
Group CFat Ladies00Tottenham Network Solutions
Group CStill dont know yet00Test team please ignore
Group DHairy Fadjeetas00Pikey Scum
Group DYoung Boys00Dynamo Charlton
Group EMo me the Mane00Dulwich Red Sox
Group ECowley Casuals00Chairman’s XI
Group FLokomotiv Leeds00Bala Rinas
Group FJudean Peoples’ Front00Sporting Lesbian

Kenna week 18

Kenna week 18 - 1 January 2019
Kenna week 18 – 1 January 2019

Kenna week 17

Kenna week 17 - 25 December 2018
Kenna week 17 – 25 December 2018

Kenna week 16

Kenna week 16 - 18 December 2018
Kenna week 16 – 18 December 2018
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Fadges boss freed from jail again

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas has been granted an official pardon by the United Arab Emirates for the second time in three weeks as his side returned to the top of the Kenna League.

Roberto Firmino (14 points), Felipe Anderson (12), Juan Mata and Serge Aurier (both 10) put Fadges into first place and saved their manager from unspeakable human rights abuses in a UAE prison for a second time.

“This is getting silly,” said the Fadges boss, standing outside the prison in blood- and faeces-encrusted pyjamas.

“It’s the most competitive Kenna ever with a different team top every week. If this keeps up I’m going to be in and out of prison like John Warboys’ parole officer.”

The Kenna vice chairman’s side Young Boys went top. Every Young Boy scored points except goalkeeper Marcus Betinelli who didn’t register for the seventh straight week.

Fadges had the last laugh, or took first blood, over Young Boys in the first round of Krakow Cup fixtures winning by more than 20 points.

The result put the Dubai-based manager top of the league-and-cup-double stakes according to the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department.

Elsewhere in the so-called ‘group of death’, reigning Kenna champions Pikey Scum beat cup specialists Dynamo Charlton.

Scum lie just seven points off the league leaders.

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 15 - 11 December 2018
Kenna week 15 – 11 December 2018
Krakow Cup - 11 December 2018
Krakow Cup – 11 December 2018
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Euro 2016-style cup draw unveiled

YOUNG Boys were back on top of the table this week as The Most Competitive Ever Kenna Season continues apace.

Alexandre Lacazette’s goal brought mixed emotions for the vice chairman, who was watching proceedings on Sunday afternoon with the chairman in the Tottenham Beehive.

Human rights groups are on high alert as the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who was given a reprieve by United Arab Emirates state security last week, slipped into second place.

Both Fadges and Young Boys find themselves up against each other in Group D of this season’s Krakow Cup competition, which kicks off this weekend.

Last year’s cup ‘winners‘ find themselves in Group A.

Kenna HQ has announced a new Euro 2016-style group draw, with all 24 teams in this year’s league competing for places in the last 16.

After playing each other once, the top two teams from each group qualify for the next stage of the tournament.

The six third-placed teams will be pitted against each other, with the top four of those also going through.

It sounded complicated in the summer of 2016, and it still sounds complicated now. Here’s how it works.

Group A
Piss Poor
Craving Cottaging
Walthamstow Reds
Pirates

Group B
Clotted Cream First
Daggers
Thieving Magpies
FC Testiculadew

Group C
Fat Ladies
Don’t Know Yet
Tottenham Network Solutions
Test Team, Please Ignore

Group D
Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys
Pikey Scum
Dynamo Charlton

Group E
Mo Me The Mane
Cowley Casuals
Dulwich Red Sox
Chairman’s XI

Group F
Lokomotiv Leeds
Judean Peoples’ Front
Bala Rinas
Sporting Lesbian

Schedule

Group games

11 December
8 January
22 January
Last 16 (two legs)
12 Feb
25 Feb
QF (two legs)
12 March
19 March
SF (two legs)
16 April
30 April
Final
14 May

Kenna table – week 14

Kenna week 14 - 3 December 2018
Kenna week 14 – 3 December 2018

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UAE pardons Fadges boss after he tops Kenna

THE government of UAE has officially pardoned the manager of Hairy Fadjeetas today after the team went top of the Kenna League, but they say he is still ‘shit’.

The Dubai-based boss of the Fadges has been in custody in the Arab state for the last six months after being found guilty of having an empty trophy cabinet since 2011.

In a news conference in Dubai, a UAE spokesman showed a video of the Fadges boss allegedly confessing to ‘being shit at the Kenna’.

The club claims their manager did not understand the charges brought against him since he does not speak Arabic.

The Fadges gaffer was granted a ‘presidential pardon’ once it emerged he was number one in the Kenna, the first time a manager in the Middle East has topped the league.

The UAE spokesperson went on to say the manager was free because of “the state’s extreme clemency in the face of him signing Victor Moses, Martin Dubrawka and Danny Ings at the August auction.”

A statement from Kenna HQ read: “From Riyadh to Ras El Hanout, regional experts are scratching their heads at the situation. In eight seasons in the league Fadges have finished 15th, 9th, 13th, 10th, 17th (relegated), 3rd and 8th.

“You’d have thought they would cut off the hand he uses to bid for players.”

Kenna week 13

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 13 - 27 November 2018
Kenna week 13 – 27 November 2018

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Is the October transfer window dead?

AROUND 7.30pm on a Friday night last month the Kenna League auction hammer fell to pieces.

The incident sparked little comment in the Hoop & Grapes. It was a cheap hammer from ebay, paid for by Kenna funds, and it had served five glorious years. Even if many of the hundreds of signings it had sealed were unremarkable.

No, in itself the hammer head falling off was not of note. Except that it was the most exciting thing to have happened in the opening half hour of the October transfer window.

Let us drop all pretence, it was a bloody slow night. The October window is usually a jaunty occasion where managers are keen to replace those August signings who drifted off to the Continent, the Championship, Scotland. Or prison.

That was when the Premier League window closed at the end of the August. This summer it closed before the Kenna auction to transform the October transfer window into a curious affair.

A distinct lack of talent was available. Perhaps the record number of managers in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league were partly to blame. Surely even the most incompetent Kenna managers could sign all the best August players if there was enough of them?

Burnley, Wolves and Cardiff players dominated the window’s proceedings. The three hours of dogged, Bramble-strewn bidding familiar at transfer night was reduced to a tawdry 60 minutes.

How can Kenna HQ breathe life back into the October window?

Wild ideas were being whispered around the corridors of Kenna HQ even before the window began.

Should managers be forced to release their fourth highest scoring player? Or the third? Or second?

If managers were coerced into losing their top scoring player, how would that affect August player sales?

The marketing flakes at Kenna HQ are already keen to implement a scheme where each manager loses their best midfielder. After a ‘blue sky, ideas shower, no bad ideas’ session (they were going to add ‘helicopter view’…) they came up with a name for it: ‘Midfield General’.

Others suggest the event could be used solely as a cup draw made by a celebrity guest like Mike from the pub or a local prostitute.

Or should the October window be scrapped altogether?

Certainly, Kenna HQ will not be introducing the ‘third window’ of the 2006/07 season, which saw the chairman accused of having no mates.

Whatever the solution, the committee will have to come up with something before next season if we are to avoid a repeat of last month’s staid ceremony.

First they have to buy a new hammer.

Kenna table week 12

Kenna week 12 - 13 November 2018
Kenna week 12 – 13 November 2018

Kenna table week 11

Kenna week 11 - 6 November 2018
Kenna week 11 – 6 November 2018

Kenna table week 9

Kenna week 9 - 23 October 2018
Kenna week 9 – 23 October 2018

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Khashoggi set for surprise Kenna appearance

MISSING journalist Jamal Khashoggi is expected to make a shock appearance at the Kenna League transfer window on Friday (19 October).

Turkish authorities alerted news outlets to Khashoggi’s disappearance earlier this month with allegations of undercover involvement by a Saudi Arabia government unhappy with the journalist’s criticism of the regime.

Sources inside Kenna HQ contradict that narrative.

They claim a set of CCTV stills proves beyond doubt the journalist was kidnapped by the Kenna HQ manager experiences department, a notorious wing of the fantasy football league’s apparatus involved in blackmail, kidnapping and ‘wet work’.

It is thought Khashoggi is set to make his debut as a Titus Bramble forfeit player at Friday’s window.

Khashoggi will join Jimmy Savile, Barry Bennell, Ian Brady, Rolf Harris, Harold Shipman and Stuart Hazell as a Bramble player, the others being released by managers ahead of today’s noon player release deadline.

A source at the Saudi consulate concurred with the Kenna HQ account in quotes cited reported by Al-Jazeera: “Khashoggi did visit the consulate but left via the back door. There were a few guys outside, he talked to them and then they got into a Hertz rental car. One of the guys looked a lot like Emanuel Pogatetz.

“Like we said, it’s just a total coincidence the Saudi consul decided to redecorate his residence afterwards.”

In a statement earlier, the Kenna chairman said: “To think the Saudis would abduct and murder a man on foreign soil just because he criticised the regime. How ridiculous! What’s next: Russian spies unleashing nerve agent in English cathedral cities?

“Anyway, we’re really getting our money’s worth out of that Saudi Arabia bunting we bought for the Kharine World Cup.”

A total of 18 players were released by managers today (below). As usual the auction spendthrift Dynamo Charlton manager takes the biggest war chest into the transfer window: £37.5m.

Khashoggi style – alternative journalist disappearance in pictures

Biggin Hill Airport – A private plane registered to Kenna HQ is spotted preparing for take off the night before Khashoggi’s disappearance.

Khashoggi - plane
Ataturk Airport, Istanbul – Members of the Kenna manager experiences department, including Clint Dempsey and Emanuel Pogatetz, are seen being waved through airport security.

Airport security - Khashoggi

North London – Jamal Khashoggi seen arriving at Kenna HQ this week under the watchful eye of manager experiences department ‘muscle’.

Consulate - Khashoggi

Released players and remaining budgets

*indicates a manager absent from the auction receiving the average remaining budget

Manager Releases Remaining budget Remaining budget (inc. bonus) Auction attendance
Dynamo Charlton Hernandez (WHU, ST) 27.5 37.5 Present
Dulwich Red Sox None 19.5 29.5 Present
Lokomotiv Leeds Fabinho (LIV, MF), Bonatini (WLV, ST) 18 28 Present
Dark Lord Clyne (LIV, DF) 11.5 21.5 Present
Sporting Lesbian Guaita (CRY, GK), Kongolo (HUD, DF), Schar (NEW, DF) 9 19 Present
Dagger’n’Redbridge None 8.5* 18.5 Absent
The treasurer Balogun (BTN, DF), Joselu (NEW, ST), Perez (WHU, ST) 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Pikey Scum None 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Newington Reds Phil Jones (MUN, DF), Mawson (FUL, DF), Andre Gomes (EVE, MF) 8.5* 18.5 Absent
Test Team None 7 17 Present
JPF Lovren (LIV, DF), Moses (CHE, DF), Niasse (EVE, ST) 7 17 Present
Craving Cottaging Ian Brady (BRM DF), Stuart Hazell (BRM, DF), Delph (MCY, MF), Gabbiadini (SOT, ST) 7 17 Present
Piss Poor None 6 16 Present
Fat Ladies Herrera (MUN, MF), Puncheon (CRY, MF) 4.5 14.5 Present
Mo Me The Mane Barry Bennell (BRM, MF), Rolf Harris (BRM, ST) 3 13 Present
Cowley Casuals Fredricks (WHU, DF), Lichsteiner (ARS, DF), Fred (MUN, MF) 3 13 Present
Chairman None 2 12 Present
Still Don’t Know Yet Batshuayi (VAL, ST), Romero (MUN, GK) 1.5 11.5 Present
Clotted Cream First Lanzini (WHU, ST) 1 11 Present
Young Boys Heaton (BUR, GK), Harold Shipman (BRM, MF), Llorente (TOT, ST) 0.5 10.5 Present
The Pirate Danilo (MCY, DF), Besic (MID, MF), Wilshere (WHU, MF) 0.5 10.5 Present
Magpies None 0 10 Present
Fadges Christiansen (CHE, DF) 0 10 Present
Tottenham Network Solutions Jimmy Savile (BRM, MF) 0 10 Present
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