Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 2017/18

Scourge of the high seas: The ISIL manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)
2015/16 – 16th
2016/17 – 5th

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Even if the Pirate could keep Alvaro Morata from the auction and retain Alexis Sanchez beyond the next transfer window, the smart money has him throwing it away all over again – 66/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £16.5m

Courtois, T CHE  £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £9.00
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00
Britos, M WAT  £0.50
Robertson, A LIV  £0.50
Sane, L MCY  £21.00
Ince, T HUD  £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE  £0.50
Dr Cliff Huxtable BRM  £7.50
Murray, G BTN  £0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £32.00
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Burqini Pool Party 2017/18

Wheeler dealer: The Burqini Pool Party manager
Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Koran Koran

Training facility: Deep End

Trophy cabinet: Empty

2011/12 – 15th
2012/13 – 9th
2013/14 – 13th
2014/15 – 10th
2015/16 – 17th (relegated)
2017/18 – 3rd

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Inner Circle – Sweat

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: A solid team built around a light midfield but historically a mid-table finish likely – 25/1

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Forster, F SOT  £4.00
Trippier, K TOT  £15.00
Alonso, M CHE  £16.00
Mendy, B MCY  £6.00
Klaassen, D EVE  £11.00
Walcott, T ARS  £10.00
Loftus-Cheek, R CRY  £2.00
Wijnaldum, G LIV  £2.00
Ritchie, M NEW  £11.00
King, J BOU  £12.00
Rodriguez, J WBA  £0.50
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Cowley Casuals 2017/18

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2015

2012/13 – 17th
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – 2nd
2015/16 – 12th
2016/17 – 7th

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: His befuddled behavior had many wondering if the Cowley boss went for a drink with Bill Cosby before the auction, yet his woozy approach has thrown up some astute signings – 20/1

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Schmeichel, K LEI  £0.50
Lindelhof, V MUN  £8.00
Stones, J MCY  £0.50
Mustafi, S ARS  £3.00
Mane, S LIV  £29.00
Phillips, M WBA  £2.00
van La Parra, R HUD  £0.50
March, S BTN  £0.50
Hernandez, J WHM  £24.00
Gabbiadini, M SOT  £16.00
Gayle, D NEW  £0.50
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No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta 2017/18

Showman: The No Fiesta Without Iniesta manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th
2015/16 – 17th
2016/17 – 22nd (last)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Catalan tries to break his four-year slump with star signings in midfield and a shiny new goalkeeper, but looks light up top and has poor transfer window attendance record – 30/1

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £13.5m

Moraes, E MCY  £ 4.00
Davies, B TOT  £4.00
Holebas, J WAT  £3.00
Daniels, C BOU  £2.00
Coleman, S EVE  £ 0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £ 33.00
Coutinho, P LIV  £31.00
Ramsey, A ARS  £ 6.00
Afellay, I STO  £ 0.50
Dembele CET  £0.50
Long, S SOT  £2.00
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Sanchez buyout clause confounds Pirate

ALEXIS Sanchez could be snapped up for as little as £10m at the October transfer window after having a buyout clause put in his contract.

Kenna League blazers took the unprecedented step having found the £32m Chilean forward was illegally signed by Islington Sports Islam & Leisure at the auction on Friday evening (4 August).

The decision will pile yet more woe on the ISIL manager.

Known as the Pirate, he became the highlight of the 13th annual Kenna auction by losing Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling and trying to resign.

The ISIL manager finished the night with a strike force of Sanchez, Glenn Murray, Andre Gray and Bramble player Dr Cliff Huxtable.

Overlooked at the time by the Kenna charts and graphs department, the team was found afterwards to have more than the limit of three strikers.

In a press conference outside the Holborn Whippet on Monday, the chairman explained: “Hold onto your tactics whiteboard pens, this will divide opinion.

“We’ve deliberated this at Kenna HQ. Charts and graphs feel they should take some of the blame for not spotting this on Friday.

“Therefore a decision has been taken.

“ISIL lose Gray, who goes on a silent bid to Puncheon The Bony Kante.

“Sanchez remains an ISIL striker but has a £10m buyout clause inserted into his contract.

“Effective at the October window, bidding will start at £10m for the Chilean striker.

“The Pirate cannot bid and will not receive any monies paid.”

The Burqini Pool Party manager summed up the feeling among managers: “What a time to be alive.”

The outcome was not well received at ISIL’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Trying to threaten Kenna HQ with a photo of his proposed resignation letter, the Pirate sent an unrelated photo from his camera roll.

“That’s twice he’s tried to resign in less than a week,” quipped the chairman.

Pirate resignation
Everything but the resignation: The Pirate’s second attempt to quit in a week
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Thieving Magpies 2017/18

Phil profile pic
England till he dies: ‘Pies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name@PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: 2016/17 league winner

2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th
2015/16 – 9th
2016/17 – 1st

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts musicThe Great Escape – the England Band

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: If the ‘Pies boss is the first manager to successfully defend the Kenna he’ll be relying heavily on injury-free seasons from physio table regulars Vincent Kompany, Chris Smalling and Daniel Sturridge – 12/1

Auction XI – 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £1m

Gomes, H WAT  £1.00
Kompany, V MCY  £10.00
Smalling, C MUN  £0.50
Cresswell, A WHM  £0.50
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £18.00
Mahrez, R LEI  £16.00
Knockaert, A BTN  £9.00
Mirallas, K EVE  £2.00
Sturridge, D LIV  £21.00
Wilson, C BOU  £6.00
Giroud, O ARS  £15.00
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What’s the Morata with the Pirate?

MELODRAMA lit up the Kenna League auction on Friday night when a manager threatened to resign after forfeiting Alvaro Morata.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager, known as the Pirate, put on his pea coat and almost jumped ship after illegally buying Thibault Courtois and losing Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling.

The incident, coupled with a round of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, turned the auction from studied caution into a partisan crowd.

Cheers and jeers rang out in the patio area of the Hoop & Grapes as the Pirate’s mutiny interrupted the auction for 10 chaotic minutes.

ISIL had signed Morata for £15m in the first lot of the evening: a novelty lucky dip involving the Spanish striker, Jordan Pickford, Tom Ince and Bramble player Siri.

From there the Pirate’s early business was promising. Alexis Sanchez was quickly added to his attack, but seasoned Kenna managers suspected the combination of a swelling ISIL team sheet and a shot of homemade hooch was a powder keg waiting to blow.

The hotheaded manager claimed his bid on goalkeeper Courtois was made in jest.

With such a high-profile signing as Morata already in his team, the league correctly jumped on the sniff of a Bramble.

The incident was a close repeat of the Pirate’s acrimonious resignation during the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction in 2012.

In both cases the manager eventually returned to his senses and rejoined the auction.

The evening had started in understated fashion. A largely unprintable keynote address from the chairman proceeded the lucky dip signings of Morata by ISIL and Kyle Walker by Sporting Lesbian.

From there 16 attendees, including defending champion the Thieving Magpies manager, bid on the 50 most well-regarded footballers in England drawn at random. Another four managers absent submitted sealed bids.

The dregs of the auction were mopped up by 11.30pm, but everyone will remember the night for the Pirate’s outburst which came around 90 minutes into affairs.

Full teams will be available in The Rub in the next 24 hours.

The auction in photos

Pirate paying subs
The Pirate finally catches up on his subs before the auction.
Lucky dip
The chairman explains the lucky dip bid to get proceedings underway.
The Pirate looks pleased with his early progress
The Pirate looks pleased with his early progress.
Once unleashed, the homemade quince vodka is a ticking time bomb
Once unleashed, the homemade quince vodka is a ticking Titus Bramble time bomb.
The chairman rules Morata is lost on a Bramble. Onlookers cannot contain their schadenfreude.
The chairman rules Morata is lost on a Bramble. Onlookers cannot contain their schadenfreude.
Pirate sulk
‘Alvaro, are we still friends? That thing with Courtois meant nothing to me.’
The Spanish striker who sparked chaos
The Spanish striker who sparked chaos
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Kenna manager tells judge ‘you’re picking on me because I’m a Brambler’ during subs dodge grilling

A KENNA League manager told a judge he was being picked on because he can’t grasp basics of the Titus Bramble forfeit rules during a grilling on claims he dodged £85 of league subs.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager was quizzed by magistrates in north London for 90 minutes at a pre-trial hearing.

The session was behind closed doors, but it’s emerged the ISIL manager rowed with the judge saying: ‘If I hadn’t once resigned halfway through an auction because I kept Brambling myself and threw my toys out the pram, I wouldn’t be here’.

The judge at Highbury Corner Magistrates Court replied: ‘Everyone has to pay their subs to enter the Kenna. The fact is you haven’t.’

The court is likely to pursue a payment plan with the ISIL manager, particularly since his entry to the Kenna auction this week means the monies owed rise to £110.

Authorities are also targeting the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who has owed £30 to the Kenna League in subs since last year.

The prosecution lawyer said this morning: ‘The DRS manager is as evasive as Cristiano Ronaldo’s taxes.’

Around 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub from 6.30pm on Friday (4 August) for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download this season’s Kenna player list.

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Fantasy league begins disciplinary proceedings against manager’s profane rant

THE Kenna League has started a disciplinary process against a manager after footage emerged of him calling rival managers ‘fucking shit’ while drunk in a bar.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, known as ‘Breivik’ for his resemblance to the infamous Norwegian mass murderer, was captured on video apparently criticising the managers of Piss Poor and Just Put Carles.

All three clubs finished in the relegation zone last season. JPF was just above the other two in 20th place.

The pressure appears to have got to Breivik, who under league rules now has to come up with a new team name if he wants to enter this Friday’s Kenna League auction.

Reports claim his drinking bouts have become more violent over the summer, often cornering strangers in pub smoking areas and repeatedly shouting ‘Judean Peoples’ Front’ in their faces, mostly with the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Kenna HQ said in a statement: “Breivik has conducted himself in a manner unbefitting of the Kenna League. The apostrophe comes after the ‘s’ in ‘Peoples”.”

Up to 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub this Friday for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download the player list.


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Who will be deadliest from close range?

HARRY Kane could be the deadliest Englishman from close range since Harold Shipman.

So how will that affect his value in a fantasy football auction?

Next Friday around 20 managers will be battling it out for the signatures of Kane, Romelu Lukaku, Sergio Aguero and the like at the 13th annual Kenna League auction.

With a team budget of £100m, the most desirable strikers in the land can expect to fetch anything between £30 and £50m.

Kenna rules mean managers can only buy one player from each Premier League club.

What does that do the signing fees of second tier strikers?

The return of Javier ‘El Chicharito’ Hernandez to England will be watched with interest.

‘The Little Pea’ has Kenna League experience, which is a big advantage over a newcomer like Alexandre ‘The Casette’ Lacazette.

The Mexican is also likely to get plenty of game time considering his competition for a place comes from Andy Carroll, a man so prone to injury his season will have more interruptions than a Kensington and Chelsea council meeting.

Wayne Rooney’s return to Merseyside is another move to raise an eyebrow.

Formally an outstanding performer at this level, enthusiasm from Kenna managers in recent times has…ahem…waned.

Two years ago Rooney was signed at auction for £31m. Last year it was £20m before he was sold in the February transfer window for a miserable £0.5m.

Rooney’s summer move will see his value increase, although many managers will consider him a gamble for anything more than £10m.

Saying that, players are randomly generated to be picked for auction so if Rooney comes out in the first half hour he’ll probably pick up a bigger signing fee.

If he comes out once managers have had a few beers and a couple of shots of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, who knows what will happen?

Download the Kenna League 2017-18 player list

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