Woo woe continues

Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay scorecard — Shocker: the Seduction manager came close to losing on shots

The Seduction manager’s off-the-pitch troubles continued this weekend at Enfield Golf Club.

The manager lost the Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay on Saturday, a fixture he usually wins at a canter.

Pressure from last week’s name change fiasco made itself felt as the ‘Grosvenor Allstars‘ manager carded two doubles and a treble bogey on the back nine.

The slip up allowed the Vasco De Beauvoir manager and last season’s Lokomotiv Tooting manager, who had joined forces, to win the round by a hole.

As his striker banged in three goals, the Vasco manager produced some scintilating golf, including two birdies.

It was only an ugly nine at the 16th that prevented him from beating the Seduction manager on strokes for the first time in years.

The Lokomotiv Tooting manager enjoyed some considerable luck, producing several textbook examples of the member’s bounce.

Managers interested in future Jeff Kenna golfing events should contact the Chairman.

Seduction name change nightmare

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco
Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names

THE Dan Terry Seduction boss was left out in the cold this week after his board requested the club’s name be changed.

A leaked communique revealed that the boardroom were unhappy with the manager’s choice of team name after a ‘pair of boobs’ on auction night left potential signings turned off.

The cap-in-hand letter to Kenna suits claimed that TWICE the Seduction boss tried to buy players immediately after they were signed by other teams.

The letter goes on to say “after this pair of boobs failed to woo more talent on auction night, we’re having to rebrand the club.

“There’s simply nothing seductive about Dan Terry, or his big boobs.”

A late charm offensive by the under-fire manager was not enough to stop the club changing it’s name to ‘Grosvenor Allstars’.

“We feel that this new bland and unambitious name reflects the true potential of the club,” droned a club statement.

The north London outfit are second from bottom of the league.

A club insider said: “Unless he can get something out of his team soon, the only thing he’ll be courting is disaster.”

Lokomotiv injury woe

The Lokomotiv manager faces a grim autumn ahead with injuries to two of his star midfielders.

Jack Wilshire and Rafael van der Vaart are both out until at least late October.

The playmaker pair will have little chance to make any impact for Lokomotiv Leeds before the November transfer window.

“This is a disappointing start to our first season as Jack and Rafa are both key players. I have every confidence in the rest of the team digging deep until their return,” platituded the Lokomotiv manager.

Strikeforce Javier Hernandez and Dean Sturridge are both yet to notch. Martin Skretl has scored the club’s only goal this season.

The team has been mainly relying on the creativity of Victor Moses.

Lokomotiv currently lie 16th in the Kenna.

The Friday Poll: Deadline day deals

Wednesday’s scramble brought a mixture of well-known experience and fresh talent to these shores.

Which one of these exotic players will adapt to the climate of ‘the best league in the world’ and which will be the next Helder Postiga?

Select who you think will have the most points by the Kenna November transfer window.

[polldaddy poll=5471760]

Gyan committed to Dynamo

Asamoah Gyan has told Jeff All News that he is disturbed by rumours claiming he was looking to leave Dynamo Charlton.

Reports emerged on deadline day that Gyan could be on his way out of the south London club, and it was also claimed that he had submitted a transfer request.

Gyan has now vehemently denied asking for a transfer, something which Dynamo also confirmed, and says he is very happy at the club.

“Those rumours have disturbed me to be honest,” he told Jeff All News.

“I do not want Dynamo fans to think I am not happy in Dynamo. I am happy with the manager who invested so much money in me and I will need to repay his faith.”

Sneijder reveals Vasco talks

Wesley Sneijder has admitted that he thought he was going to join Vasco De Beauvoir, but insisted finances were not the reason is did not happen.

The saga over the Dutch international’s future lasted for the whole transfer window, with Vasco, Manchester City and Chelsea all linked.

But it was always Vasco who were thought to be leading the chase, and Sneijder admits he thought he was Shoreditch Park stadium-bound.

“I just felt that it was close, yes [I thought I was going],” Sneijder, currently with the Dutch squad on international duty, told AD.

“We had several talks, the situation was such that Inter had to sell a player, Eto’o or me, and indeed there was interest.

“They [Vasco De Beauvoir] are one of the biggest clubs in the world, so it did not seem a bad thing – but at the same time I do not want to leave Inter.

“Italy is great for me, and I cannot exclude that they [Vasco] got that feeling, for me a move was not an absolute must and there were a few things which meant it did not happen.”

Edin for glory

Click here to view the table — Kenna League - week 3

A record weekly total of nine goals saw FC Testiculadew lead the Kenna by 30 points.

Edin Dzeko (4), Wayne Rooney (3), Jose Bosingwa and Clint Dempsey (one each) were so destructive for FCT they even put 8 (eight) past their own goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.

With the international break upon us, the FCT boss also scooped August’s Manager of the Month award.

“Obviously there’s a lot of pressure coming to manage in a world-renouned league like the Kenna, but like a game of pocket billiards, everything’s in hand,” said the FCT manager, while grimacing and demonstrating his similie in a post-match interview.

There’s no beginner’s luck at the bottom of the table, where Dynamo Charlton have yet to find the net.

“Goals are overrated,” said the Dynamo manager.

Current champions Young Boys have also failed to notch.

In other news, it’s transfer deadline day. A time when managers hope that players aren’t lured away. Here’s a quick round up:

Spartak Mogadishu – Fabregas is already scoring in other leagues. There were 22 missed calls from Kia Joorabchian on the Spartak manager’s phone this morning.

Vasco De Beauvoir – the manager’s been sleeping by the office fax machine for the last three weeks waiting for news of Wesley Sneijder.

FC Testiculadew – Maicon’s not looking likely either, but the FCT manager isn’t sleeping by his fax machine.

Pikey Scum – Brett Emerton has racked off, Bouncer, and will play the rest of the season Down Under.

The Dan Terry Seduction – was not enough to keep Sotirios Kyrgiakos from going to the Bundesliga.

Get your chants out

If supporters are a team’s 12th man then songs are their devastating right foot.

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager freely admits that his motivation for signing Sylvan Ebanks-Blake was the amusing terrace ditty he brings to the club.

“He may only score in non-Kenna competitions and be out injured for a month, but the morale Sylvan brings to the club through the fans’ song cannot be measured,” said the Vasco manager, looking a long way away from their 2010 league and cup double.

The Kenna wants to hear your team’s best player chant.

Post a link below of an example of your chant in action. Next week the best five chants will be put up to the jury in the Friday Poll.

Silva lining

The quick and crafty exploits of David Silva have Just Put Carles top of the table.

Two goals and some busy assists from the Spanish playmaker have helped JPC to 63 points, but four goals in total from the team may be a mirage hiding problems to come.

“Me cago en la hostia!” said the JPC manager, leaving church. “Cech, Zamora, Gerrard y Coleman are all injured, and Anderson scores so infrequently that his one gol means he won’t get another for months.”

JPC’s Chamakh cuts a lonely figure up front, especially now that Spartak Mogadishu’s midfield has a Cesc Fabregas-sized gap.

“Yarrrrrrr! That latino lilly-livered rogue be only good enough for keel haulin’,” said the Spartak manager, while locking Carlos Tevez in the brig at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Meanwhile, the Newington Reds manager was quoted as saying he was “upbeat” about Samir Nasri’s future.

However, with Ferdinand injured, Kolo Toure still serving a six-month drugs ban, the team second from bottom and Demba Ba up front, many are saying that optimism is all he’s got.

One club already breaking out the champagne is PSV Mornington, off the bottom of the table for the first time since 21 September last year. “We drink cava, not champagne,” said the PSV manager.

To view more data and individual player scores, download the spreadsheet on the right of the page under ‘Details’.

The Friday Poll: Arsenal goalkeepers

Goalkeepers are spread around the Kenna quite evenly, with the exception of those from Arsenal.

Despite last season’s wayward performances, two managers have opted for a Polish shot stopper.

FC Testiculadew’s Wojciech Szczęsny has impressed so far, while Polonia Forsyth’s Łukasz Fabiański has watched from the bench.

However, the unpredictable predictability of ‘the professor’ means that anyone could be brought in before the month is out.

So who will score the most points by May?

[polldaddy poll=5436634]

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco

Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names