Introducing: this season’s Bramble players

FANTASY football has few harsher punishments than the Titus Bramble ruling.

Mess up at the Kenna League auction draft – overspend, buy an illegal player – and there are no easy let offs and no ‘oh, poor luck let’s forget about that shall we?’s.

Buy an illegal player and you’ll have him whipped out your team and replaced with a forfeit faster than you can say ‘Twattus Bollocks‘. And you’ll lose half the cash you paid for him.

It doesn’t end there. The forfeit players used to be active Premier League footballers, but some notorious chicanery four years ago means they’re now the ultimate deterrent: convicted sex offenders.

Last month’s auction saw three paedophiles turn out for Kenna League teams.

Let’s meet the Charlie Chesters who managers can’t get rid of until the first transfer window in October.

Adam Johnson (£21m), midfielder, Piss Poor

Adam Johnson
Adam Johnson

Why’s he here?
Put Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jamie Vardy and Adam Johnson into an envelope and auction off a lucky dip. It’s called Chinese Roulette. That’s how the Piss Poor manager ended up paying £21m to have the former Sunderland man in his midfield.

What can he contribute?
Johnson creates and scores goals, even more so in the number 10 spot, but then he was sentenced earlier this year for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. He’ll give opposition fans something to sing about though.

Stuart Hall (£12.5m), midfielder, FC Testiculadew

Stuart Hall
Stuart Hall

Why’s he here?
Usually so cunning at skirting Kenna auction regulations, the manager best known as the Tactical Brambler walked straight into this Bramble when he signed a second Leicester City player. Cheerio Jamie Vardy and half his £25m signing fee. Hello, It’s A Knockout!

What can he contribute?
At 86, it’s unlikely Hall will translate his poetic vocal style to the FCT midfield. Has he got any attacks left in him?

Mark Bridger (£16.5m), midfielder, Bala Rinas

Mark Bridger
Mark Bridger

Why he’s here?
The Bala Rinas manager overspent late in the auction and lost his most expensive player Eden Hazard, who had cost £33m. A tremendous oversight from the league’s Welsh treasurer, for whom Mark Bridger was the obvious Bramble.

What can he contribute?
Rarely caught in possession, but his resourcefulness under pressure hides traces of greater concern.

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11 Chinese takeaways you hope aren’t local to Adam Johnson

FOOTBALLER Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to charges of grooming and sexual activity with a child last week.

Since then the prosecution’s case has centred around an encounter between Johnson and a 15-year-old girl behind a Chinese takeaway in County Durham.

With all the allegations of where hands were placed, what act was performed and other inappropriate liaisons, wouldn’t it be unfortunate if the Chinese takeaway in question shared a name with one of these fast food establishments?

Tasty Dumpling

Rong Restaurant

Joy Luck Palace

Forbidden Garden

FooKee Express

Good Choi's

Coming Happiness

Swallow House

Beautiful Memory Desserts

Tasty Hand-Pulled Noodles

Adam Johnson gamble unbuttons Kenna League survival hopes

THE Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager has admitted his gamble on Adam Johnson in the transfer window could derail the club’s chances of Kenna League survival this season.

Just five days after ISIL bought the midfielder at the second and final transfer window of the season, Johnson pleaded guilty to one charge of sexual activity with a child and one charge of grooming.

ISIL are rooted to the foot of the Kenna League and the transfer window was seen as the manager’s last chance to tilt for safety.

“Yarrrrrr! Ye Johnson lad be gettin’ plenty o’ assists afore spillin’ ‘is guts to the law ‘ee be friggin’ in unweathered riggin'” yo-ho-hoed the Kenna’s only Somali manager.

“‘Tis skullduggery an’ no mistake, getting yer cutlass between yer teeth wi’ a lass wi’ less years than me cabin boy, but truth be told ‘is signed shirts be sellin’ very smartly. Yarrrrrrrr!” added the manager, scanning the gates of the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for eager, young autograph hunters.

Under Kenna League regulations, Johnson will stay with ISIL until the end of the season. The club is rumoured to have changed the passwords to its social media accounts.

The campaign has been yet another unmitigated disaster for the Somali manager, who looks set to lead a side to relegation for the third successive season.

The manager won the Canesten Combi Cup in emphatic style in charge of Spartak Mogadishu in May 2013, but a year later took the club down.

He went on to manage Hoxton Pirates the following season, only to guide them to a bottom-of-the-league finish 10 months later.

Going into the stats a little deeper, since winning the Canesten Combi Cup in May 2013, the Somali has spent 85 of 109 weeks of league play in the relegation zone, or as the manager ruefully admitted at this morning’s press conference “78 per cent o’ me hours in Davy Jones’ locker”.

Kenna table – week 25

Kenna table week 25 - 16 February 2016
Kenna table week 25 – 16 February 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Ben D 54 3
2 Dynamo Charlton Alex 43 2
3 Carles Carles 35 1
4 Thieving Magpies Phil 33 3
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 33 2
6 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 2
7 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 30 1
8 KS West Green Stix 30 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 29 2
10 Pikey Scum Jack 29 1
11 Team Panda George 28 2
12 Cowley Casuals Stu 28 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 26 2
14 Young Boys Andrew D 26 0
15 ISIL Abdi 26 0
16 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 21 2
17 Judean People’s Front Sholto 20 0
18 Headless Chickens John N 18 1
19 Uncertain Pete B 10 1
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Coutinho, P – LIV – MID
Club Newington Reds
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Analysis: The Adam Johnson football chants

ADVICE from the Crown Prosecution Service was clear.

When Adam Johnson was charged with three counts of sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl last month, the CPS said: ‘there should be no reporting, commentary or sharing of information online that may prejudice proceedings in the case.’

Unfortunately for the Sunderland winger’s reputation, this hasn’t stopped fans of rival clubs drawing their own conclusions about his actions through football chants and posting it on YouTube.

Appearing in the Kenna League this season for Still Don’t Know Yet, Johnson finds his suspected transgressions at the centre of two equally inappropriate ditties.

Let’s take a look at them in more detail.

The Toon Army chant

Catchy, original and easy to sing over and over again, Newcastle United fans have come up with an enduring terrace mantra.

The use of Slade’s Come On Feel The Noise allows even the most limited vocalist to revel in the P-word, and its simplicity means the lyrics can be picked up quickly by a match goer of little intellect.

Not for the first time in a football song poor grammar – here employed turning the slang verb ‘nonce’ into a noun – can be overlooked. The word ‘fiddling’ could be substituted without threatening the meter.

What cannot be ignored is the legal thin ice on which the chanter stands. The video was uploaded to the internet on 5 April, in between Johnson’s initial arrest (2 March) and his charge (23 April). Publicly pre-empting his sentence and calling him a sex offender could end in litigation if he’s innocent.

Conversely, should Johnson be found guilty this versatile chant can by updated by changing the start of the second line to ‘You’ve been sent down…’

The Red Devils chant

At once more intricate and involved, this chant bears all the hallmarks of an away coach workshopping session.

Again Johnson is labelled a sex offender, but this time there is more detail about the nature and geography of his infringements. Again the same legal pitfalls present themselves.

The chant has two shortcomings. First, although there is comedy value in presuming these misdemeanours occur at Sunderland’s home ground, in reality it doesn’t work.

The Stadium of Light’s city centre location and proximity to the Wearside Audi dealership means it’s likely to be covered with surveillance cameras. If Johnson really wanted to perform these murky deeds on club premises he would be better off in a more secluded spot, like the club’s training ground in the countryside, The Academy of Light near Cleadon.

The second drawback with this chant is despite the obvious time and effort that went into its conception, it fails to capitalise on the full melody of Yanky Doodle Went To Town. There is room for another four lines. Here are some considerations.

1. Since there is already legal compromise, they could take the scenario a little further:

Sticks his digits up their arse
Makes them smell his finger

It’s the only time he’ll score
‘Cos he’s a goal-shy winger

The first two lines are a dangerous supposition, but not even Fleet Street’s finest defamation lawyer could convince a judge that Johnson was prolific in front of goal.

2. The chanter could backtrack on their introductory slander with some qualification:

But we shouldn’t judge too soon
He’s only been arrested
We’ll refrain from saying more
Till DNA’s been tested

That would be one hell of a Jeremy Kyle Show.


Perhaps one day a footballer will be standing outside the Royal Courts of Justice having just won a landmark defamation case against everyone seen singing an inflammatory song in an internet video. Until that day people in a situation like Adam Johnson’s will find the schadenfreude of fans ever ready to make light of matters, always in poor taste but sometimes in a catchy and amusing way.

One thing is clear. At 18th in the Kenna League and staring down the barrel of relegation, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s ongoing fantasy football auction strategy of buying ex-Boro players is not paying dividends.

Cup news

Canesten Combi Cup – semi final first leg results

Team Panda Rules OK 0 – 3 Cowley Casuals

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 2 FC Testiculadew

This weekend – semi final second leg

Kenna table – week 34 of 37

Kenna week 34 - 5 May 2015
Kenna week 34 – 5 May 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 45 3
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 44 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 35 3
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 34 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 33 1
6 KS West Green Stix 31 0
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 30 1
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 30 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 30 0
10 Young Boys Denney 27 1
11 FC Tescticuladew James N 26 2
12 St Reatham FC Mike 26 1
13 Fat Ladies Ted 26 1
14 Piedmonte Phil 25 1
15 Just Put Carles Carles 19 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 16 0
17 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 14 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 11 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Albrighton, M – LEI – MID
Club Unsigned
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Game of arrows

Dart board
More pricks than a second hand dartboard: Kenna membership is at record levels

IN MEMORY of legendary sports commentator Sid Waddell each manager has selected their own ‘darts music’.

From the sea shanty of Spartak Mogadishu to the FC Testiculadew ACDC classic, the leitmotifs are choices for the entrance music managers would have into the competitive arena of professional darts, where Sid plied his so eloquent trade.

“Nothing could show more athletic intent than a slightly overweight, middle-aged man awkwardly walking into a room full of delirious drunks to a floor filler,” said the Chairman, quietly impressed by Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock’s entourage.

After the Fabio affair there were murmurs that the league administration were about as much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit, but Kenna HQ have utterly redeemed themselves by introducing arrows to the table to show movement from week to week.

The Kenna Pump

  • £38m Wayne Rooney faces a month on the sidelines with injury. “We’re not in crisis, we’ve still got Gervinho,” said the manager of crisis club Greendale Rockets.
  • £21m Clint Dempsey was left out of action again on the weekend. “He’s lost his head,” said the Headless Chickens boss.
  • £4.5m winger Adam Johnson might actually play a game this season after moving to Wearside. “I bought Glenn Johnson too, surely one of them will do something,” said the Piedmonte manager.
  • £3m former Bramble player Angel Rangel looks like one of the buys of the season. “I only signed him so I could say his name all the time,” chortled the Newington Reds gaffer.

Kenna table

Week 2 - 28 August 2012
Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

This week
Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 51 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 36 1
5 FC Testicluadew James N 34 2
6 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 32 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 2
10 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 24 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 18 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Just put Carles Carles 16 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Woking Mike 10 0
20 Bala Rinas Lewis 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 21 Hazard, E – CHE – MID
Club Hairy Fadjeetas
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Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Johnson, G LIV £8m
Coloccini, F NEW £10m
Rafael MUN £2m
Dawson, M TOT £6m
Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £16m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m
Johnson, A SUN £4.5m
Jelavic, N EVE £34m
Lambert, R SOT £13m
 Total £95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out      In 
Mertesacker, P ARS £19m Dawson, M TOT £6m
Dyer, N SWA £10m Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £16m Jelavic, N EVE £34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out      In 
Green, R QPR £0.5m Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Tomkins, J WHM £3m Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
van der Vaart, R HAM £17m Milner, J MCY £0.5m
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Superfuzz (second window)

Manager: Mr Pete Edwards

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Southampton

Krul, T NEW £0.5m
Kyrgiakos, S SUN £0.5m
Baines, L EVE £11m
Ivanovic, B CHE £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Nani MUN £32m
Johnson, A MCY £9.5m
Dyer, N SWA £0.5m
Petrov, S AVL £0.5m
Holt, G NOR £3.5m
Suarez, L LIV £28m
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