alan hansen – The Jeff Kenna League

Pep ‘Cardiola’ given permanent PSV job

Pep Guardiola Roman Abramovich — Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)

A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.

Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.

There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.

Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.

Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.

In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.

For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Kenna performance chart January 2014 — Kenna performance chart August to December 2014

Kenna table

Kenna League week 19 - 14 January 2014 — Kenna League week 19 – 14 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	41	3
2	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	35	3
3	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	34	3
4	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	0
6	Young Boys	Denney	29	0
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	27	3
8	KS West Green	Stix	24	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	24	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	1
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	21	0
14	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
15	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	1
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
19	St. Reatham FC	Mike	18	0
20	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	17	1
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	1
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
23	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Johnson, A – SUN – MID
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

George Bush gets down — “No, no, no, that’s wrong. This is how you ask for marajuana in Coldharbour Lane.”

LIKE KING Kenny’s chances of being down with the kids of Brixton, the season is well and truly over.

To complement January’s big mid-season review, the Kenna has added the second half’s performance chart to the mix (below).

Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.

FCT’s response was emphatic.

Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.

Having lost Yaya Touré to the battlefields of Africa, Lokomotiv’s form nosedived in January and February, leaving FCT to sail over the line.

Meanwhile at the other end, Polonia Forsyth didn’t exceed average performance for the entire season.

Lurliners, Vasco De Beauvoir and the Dan Terry Seduction almost joined them.

So what does the aristocrat of Match of the Day punditry make of all this?

“Pace. Power. Determination. FC Testiculadew have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…”

We’re sure Alan will be back to provide some more insightful analysis in the near future.

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart 2011-12 — Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart 2011-12

FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 15 May 2012