Kenna HQ under fire for ‘ambush cup draw’

A football manager’s wife has accused Kenna HQ of hijacking her birthday party with a cup draw.

As friends and family of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s better half gathered in The Roebuck, Borough, to celebrate her 30th natal day, the Kenna chairman was found to be making the group draw of this season’s Narcozep Cup in between complimentary glasses of prosecco and cursory raids on the finger buffet.

Mrs B could not contain her outrage on the night and stood on a chair to descry the league apparatus to stunned onlookers.

“Wat die hel doen jy, domkops? It’s supposed to be a special day for me, but you’ve ruined the whole evening with your second-rate cup contest.

“Sit jou kop in die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai!” she raged at the chairman in a curious mixture of English and Afrikaans.

The managers of Lokomotiv Leeds, Hairy Fadjeetas and league leaders Young Boys were also caught up in the tirade.

Newlywed the Judean Peoples’ Front manager put in a typically slopey-shouldered display when it mattered most. He was outside having a cigarette and rejoicing in Welsh rugby.

Managers present were quick to jump to the defence of their chairman…

The chairman defended his decision to hold what the media has come to term an ‘ambush cup draw’.

“I can’t see what the problem is really. I’m here perfectly legitimately. I got a ticket from Robbie Earle,” he shrugged.

Backers Narcozep have taken a dim view of the incident, and are threatening to pull sponsorship.

For the first time, this season’s draw contains a dummy team – Real Fuck Up. The side will be made up of unsigned players and make up the numbers in group A.

Points rather than goals will decide fixtures in this year’s cup contest.

Narcozep Cup – group stage draw

Narcozep Cup group draw 2015
Narcozep Cup group draw 2015

Kenna League table – week 9

Kenna table week 9 - 20 October 2015
Kenna table week 9 – 20 October 2015

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 47 2
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 42 4
3 Judean People’s Front Sholto 42 1
4 Newington Reds Ben D 41 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 40 2
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 38 4
7 Young Boys Andrew D 38 0
8 Headless Chickens John N 37 2
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 36 0
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 34 3
11 Carles Carles 31 1
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 29 1
13 Thieving Magpies Phil 25 0
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
15 Uncertain Pete B 22 1
16 ISIL Abdi 21 0
17 Pikey Scum Jack 17 1
18 Team Panda George 16 1
19 KS West Green Stix 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 22 Wijnaldum, G – NEW – MID
Club Northern Monkeys
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Knicker-less Bendtner to change pants after Euro 2012 ambush probe

NICHOLAS Bendtner will be glad his mum packed a spare pair of underwear after an ambush marketing stunt at yesterday’s Euro 2012 match in Lviv.

The Everybody Gdansk Now striker may have bagged a brace to send his team top of the Olisadebe, but tournament organisers have said pants to displaying Paddy Power branding during his goal celebration.

In this morning’s press conference the Everybody Gdansk Now manager said: “As far as I’m concerned Nicholas can advertise Irish bookies, Eastern European h00kers and Bolivian marching powder in the middle of his face if he keeps this up.

“It’s still early days, but I’m hoping the fans will be Gdansking in the streets if we manage to bring home the trophy.”

Bendtner’s second-choice smalls are unknown. Official Euro 2012 sponsors Canon are reported to be lining up a bid.

Olisadebe table 14Jun12
Olisadebe table 14 June 2012
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Bramble-gate manager claims Robbie Earle defence

FCT manager at the auction
Pantomime villain: FCT manager fingered at auction

THE MAN at the centre of an illegal bidding scandal that rocked the Kenna this week has claimed he had been ‘naive’.

At Tuesday night’s Emmanuel Olisadebe auction ahead of the tournament in Poland and Ukraine, the FC Testiculadewland manager was discovered to be deliberately trying to buy a second French player, Karim Benzema.

Under auction rules, the FCT manager would invoke the Titus Bramble Ruling – forfeiting Franck Ribery, the most expensive of his two Frenchmen.

It is thought the manager was attempting to free up funds late in the auction.

The practice, which has come to be known as ‘tactical Brambling’, caused outrage among fellow managers, who traditionally view the forfeit procedure as a punitive measure.

In a leaked email to Kenna HQ, the FCT manager said: “I was a bit naive, I honestly thought it’d be an acceptable thing to do at the time.

It was only my second auction and I’d seen Brambles flying here, there and everywhere. I thought if you were willing to take the Bramble then people would be okay with it.”

The reasoning is similar to that of Robbie Earle, who was implicated in a ticketing scandal at the 2010 World Cup.

The former Wimbledon striker claimed he’d been ‘naive’ when tickets he’d given to a friend ended up being used in a ambush marketing stunt at the group match between Denmark and Holland.

As a result, Earle lost his job at ITV Sport. The fate of the FCT manager hangs in the balance.

The Bramble player in his team for the forfeit Ribery, Alexandros Tziolis, has been cut from the Greek squad due to ample defensive-midfield cover.

Vote now!

“We’ve received an appeal from FC Testiculadew to replace the bubble and squeak. We’ve decided to put it to a vote. Managers are invited to choose what the fate of FCT should be,” read an official league statement.

Managers can vote below. The results will be confidential until they are revealed on Wednesday (6 June).

[polldaddy poll=6277059]

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