Kenna club guide – London

Immediately identify Kenna players in London clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Spurs and West Ham

Arsenal

Szczesny, W GK Wandsworth Window Lickers £19m
Gibbs, K DEF Sporting Lesbian £15m
Sagna, B DEF Pikey Scum £11m
Koscielny, L DEF Spartak Mogadishu £17m
Vermaelen, T DEF Newington Reds £17m
Squillaci, S DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
Santos, A DEF Woking £2.5m
Rosicky, T MID Vasco De Beauvoir £1.5m
Walcott, T MID Headless Chickens £17m
Chamberlain, A MID Dynamo Charlton £8.5m
Arteta, M MID Just put Carles £16m
Cazorla, S MID Northern Monkeys £7.5m
Giroud, O STR Lokomotiv Leeds £6m
Gervinho STR Greendale Rockets £0.5m
Chamakh, M STR Hairy Fadjeetas £16.5m
Podolski, L STR FC Testicluadew £11m

Chelsea

Cech, P GK Headless Chickens £19m
Ivanovic, B DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Cahill, G DEF Pikey Scum £7.5m
Cole, A DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Terry, J DEF Northern Monkeys £14m
Luiz, D DEF FC Testicluadew £3m
Mata, J MID PSV Mornington £28m
Marin, M MID Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Ramires MID Vasco De Beauvoir £12m
Meireles, R MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Oscar MID Dynamo Charlton £5.5m
Hazard, E MID Hairy Fadjeetas £26m
McEachran, J MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Moses, V MID Bala Rinas £12m
Lampard, F MID Piedmonte £16m
Torres, F STR Newington Reds £37m
Sturridge, D STR Just put Carles £20m

Fulham

Schwarzer, M GK Just put Carles £0.5m
Riise, J DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £10m
Senderos, P DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Riether, S DEF Spartak Mogadishu £0.5m
Hughes, A DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £4m
Hangeland, B DEF Northern Monkeys £11m
Frei, K MID FC Testicluadew £5.5m
Rodallega, H STR Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m

QPR

Green, R GK Piedmonte £0.5m
Fabio DEF Lokomotiv Leeds £0.5m
Ferdinand, A DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £4m
Fabio DEF PSV Mornington £5m
Nelsen, R DEF Newington Reds £0.5m
Young, L DEF Dynamo Charlton £4m
Taarabt, A MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
W-Phillips, S MID Greendale Rockets £6m
Park, J MID Northern Monkeys £6m
Cisse, D STR Bala Rinas £12m
Zamora, B STR Wandsworth Window Lickers £2m

Spurs

Friedel, B GK Northern Monkeys £0.5m
Kaboul, Y DEF Bala Rinas £6.5m
Dawson, M DEF Headless Chickens £6m
Walker, K DEF Just put Carles £12m
Assou-Ekotto, B DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £7m
Vertonghen, J DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Sigurdsson, G MID Lokomotiv Leeds £20m
Bale, G MID Pikey Scum £30m
Modric, L MID Spartak Mogadishu £1m
Lennon, A MID Greendale Rockets £8.5m
Parker, S MID Judean Peoples’ Front £0.5m
van der Vaart, R MID Piedmonte £17m
Dempsey, C MID Headless Chickens £21m
Dembele, M STR Newington Reds £2.5m
Defoe, J STR Hairy Fadjeetas £13m

West Ham

Jaaskelainen, J GK Bala Rinas £0.5m
Collins, J DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Tomkins, J DEF Piedmonte £3m
O’Neil, G MID Still Don’t Know Yet £0.5m
Noble, M MID PSV Mornington £8m
Nolan, K MID Spartak Mogadishu £5m
Cole, C STR Headless Chickens £1.5m
Carroll, A STR Headless Chickens £1m

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

Cock
Cock: Uproar expected after Fabio played for two teams simultaneously last Saturday
http://www.flickr.com/photos/-skipper-/

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].
“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”
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Release Bryan!

Life of Brian
Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

Quarter final leg one results
Quarter final leg one results
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Spartak Mogadishu (second window)

Manager: Mr Abdi Ali (SOM)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Arsenal

Al Habsi, A WIG £6m
Hangeland, B FUL £14m
Distin, S EVE £8.5m
Smalling, C MUN £2.5m
Mertesacker, P ARS £10m
Richardson, K SUN £3m
Henderson, J LIV £6.5m
Jarvis, M WLV £10m
Bale, G TOT £23m
Graham, D SWA £11m
Cisse, P NEW £0.5m
£95m
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The Friday Poll: Arsenal goalkeepers

The Friday Pole
Stanisław Zbyszko - The Friday Pole

Goalkeepers are spread around the Kenna quite evenly, with the exception of those from Arsenal.

Despite last season’s wayward performances, two managers have opted for a Polish shot stopper.

FC Testiculadew’s Wojciech Szczęsny has impressed so far, while Polonia Forsyth’s Łukasz Fabiański has watched from the bench.

However, the unpredictable predictability of ‘the professor’ means that anyone could be brought in before the month is out.

So who will score the most points by May?

[polldaddy poll=5436634]

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