Boumsong auction overshadowed by De Gea allegations

IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.

News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.

In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.

Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.

Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.

Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.

The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.

Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.

A total of 12 managers congregated for the four-hour auction. The treasurer followed the auction live on Periscope.

More than 160 other Periscope users tuned into the action, before realising it was just a bunch of blokes in the pub, drinking heavily in replica international shirts.

A bit like Marseille before Russians with fireworks and balaclavas turned up.

Boumsong auction sales – by value

Lot number PlayTeamPos Manager Team Name Cost £m
46 Muller, T – GER – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 40
16 Ronaldo, C – POT – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 39
74 Giroud, O – FRA – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 34
21 Kane, H – ENG – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 30
43 Rooney, W – ENG – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 29
49 Hazard, E – BEL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 29
6 Lukaku, R – BEL – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 25
72 Ozil, M – GER – MID Ben D Blame Canada 25
62 Lewandowski, R – POL – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 24
7 de Bruyne, K – BEL – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 23
79 Pogba, P – FRA – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 23
51 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
185 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
13 Morata, A – ESP – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 20
19 Alli, D – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 20
131 Nolito – ESP – STR Kike Asturius FC 20
134 Rami, A – FRA – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 20
47 Bale, G – WAL – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 19
88 Griezmann, A – FRA – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 19
39 Ibrahimovic, Z – SWE – STR Jorge Barco FC 18
45 Pique, G – ESP – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 18
5 Koscielny, L – FRA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 17
17 Chiellini, G – ITA – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 17
26 Vardy, J – ENG – STR Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 17
28 Alba, J – ESP – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 17
11 Hamsik, M – SVK – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 16
40 Rakitic, I – CRO – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
48 Neuer, M – GER – GK James N FC TesticuladewLand 16
53 Ramos, S – ESP – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 16
89 Gomez, M – GER – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 16
92 Gotze, M – GER – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
31 Kroos, T – GER – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
91 Perisic, I – CRO – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 15
126 Bonucci, L – ITA – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 15
155 Juanfran – ESP – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
4 Hummels, M – GER – DEF Jorge Barco FC 14
24 Payet, D – FRA – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 14
30 Hector, J – GER – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 14
42 Courtois, T – BEL – GK Jorge Barco FC 14
57 Boateng, J – GER – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 14
10 Modric, L – CRO – MID Jorge Barco FC 13
12 Nani – POT – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 13
37 Sturridge, D – ENG – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 13
56 Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 13
61 Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 13
123 Fellaini, M – BEL – MID Pete B Real Brexit 13
161 Alcantara, T – ESP – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 13
22 Buffon, G – ITA – GK Ben D Blame Canada 12
34 Dzyuba, A – RUS – STR Pete B Real Brexit 12
64 Arnautovic, M – AUT – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
121 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
136 Alli, D – ENG – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 12
1 Iniesta, A – ESP – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
9 Coman, K – FRA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 11
15 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
29 Darmian, M – ITA – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 11
66 Alaba, D – AUT – MID Ben D Blame Canada 11
68 Evra, P – FRA – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 11
70 Sterling, R – ENG – MID Jorge Barco FC 11
75 Patricio, R – POT – GK Kike Asturius FC 11
86 Mandzukic, M – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 11
97 Milik, A – POL – STR Ben D Blame Canada 11
107 Lichtsteiner, S – SUI – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
2 Pelle, G – ITA – STR Jorge Barco FC 10
3 Chester, J – WAL – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 10
41 Janko, M – AUT – STR Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
44 Walker, K – ENG – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 10
55 Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 10
71 De Sciglio, M – ITA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 10
78 Casillas, I – ESP – GK Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 10
82 Smalling, C – ENG – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
93 Sigurdsson, G – ICE – MID Pete B Real Brexit 10
112 Candreva, A – ITA – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 10
133 Edwards, D – WAL – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
144 Lallana, A – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
173 Calhanoglu, H – TUR – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 10
33 Stones, J – ENG – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 9
52 Rose, D – ENG – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
63 Moutinho, J – POT – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 9
73 Cech, P – CZE – GK Jack Up Yours Delors 9
77 Sagna, B – FRA – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
81 Vermaelen, T – BEL – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 9
83 Fabregas, C – ESP – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
85 Hart, J – ENG – GK Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
100 Howedes, B – GER – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 9
76 Busquets, S – ESP – MID Pete B Real Brexit 8
94 Turan, A – TUR – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 8
130 Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 8
8 El Shaarawy, S – ITA – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 7
20 Srna, D – CRO – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
98 Rosicky, T – CZE – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
106 Soares, C – POT – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 7
108 Skrtel, M – SVK – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
142 Draxler, J – GER – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
60 Aduriz, A – ESP – STR Jorge Barco FC 6
109 Quaresma, R – POT – MID Jorge Barco FC 6
14 Shevchuk, V – UKR – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 5
27 Yarmolenko, A – UKR – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
32 Long, S – IRL – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
54 Martial, A – FRA – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 5
58 Cahill, G – ENG – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
59 Ramsey, A – WAL – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
65 Williams, A – WAL – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 5
69 Limbersky, D – CZE – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
87 Pepe – POT – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
104 Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 5
113 Glik, K – POL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 5
145 Khedira, S – GER – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 5
152 McCarthy, J – IRL – MID Kike Asturius FC 5
25 Khacheridi, Y – UKR – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 4
38 Matuidi, B – FRA – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
102 Fuchs, C – AUT – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 4
103 Silva, R – POT – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
138 Pekarik, P – SVK – DEF Jorge Barco FC 4
18 de Gea, D – ESP – GK Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 3
80 Stancu, B – RMN – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 3
95 Koke – ESP – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 3
111 Coleman, S – IRL – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 3
118 Blaszczykowski, J – POL – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 3
119 Seferovic, H – SUI – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 3
148 Djourou, J – SUI – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 3
150 Danilo – POT – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 3
67 Granqvist, A – SWE – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 2
84 Lloris, H – FRA – GK Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 2
96 Tatarusanu, C – RMN – GK Pete B Real Brexit 2
114 Krychowiak, G – POL – MID Jorge Barco FC 2
116 Fabianski, L – POL – GK Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 2
132 Florenzi, A – ITA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 2
149 Schar, F – SUI – DEF Jorge Barco FC 2
158 Forsberg, E – SWE – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 2
23 Insigne, L – ITA – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
35 Kaderabek, P – CZE – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
36 Yilmaz, B – TUR – STR Ben D Blame Canada 1
50 Lafferty, K – NIR – STR Pete B Real Brexit 1
90 Origi, D – BEL – STR Kike Asturius FC 1
105 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
124 Prodl, S – AUT – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
137 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
139 Konoplyanka, Y – UKR – MID Ben D Blame Canada 1
140 Almer, R – AUT – GK Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
160 Denayer, J – BEL – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 1
177 Kovacic, M – CRO – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 1
99 Olsson, M – SWE – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 0.5
101 Podolski, L – GER – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
110 Walters, J – IRL – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 0.5
115 Keane, R – IRL – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
117 Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
120 Evans, J – NIR – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
122 Inan, S – TUR – MID Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
125 Pyatov, A – UKR – GK Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
127 Sivok, T – CZE – DEF Kike Asturius FC 0.5
128 Sanches, R – POT – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
129 Kokorin, A – RUS – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
135 Dier, E – ENG – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
141 Nainggolan, R – BEL – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 0.5
143 Okotie, R – AUT – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
146 Shirokov, R – RUS – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
147 Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
151 Dragovic, A – AUT – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
153 Hennessey, W – WAL – GK Stu Cowley Caliphate 0.5
154 Guerreiro, R – POT – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
156 Mario, J – POT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
157 Berg, M – SWE – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
159 Mignolet, S – BEL – GK Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
162 Rashford, M – ENG – STR Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
163 Taylor, N – WAL – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
164 Mangala, E – FRA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
165 Chiriches, V – RMN – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
166 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
167 Alves, B – POT – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
168 Alves, B – POT – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
169 Rat, R – RMN – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
170 Larsson, S – SWE – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
171 Weiss, V – SVK – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
172 Harnik, M – AUT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
174 Klein, F – AUT – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
175 Xhaka, G – SUI – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
176 Mehmedi, A – SUI – STR Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
178 Subasic, D – CRO – GK Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
179 Kalinic, N – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
180 Silva, A – POT – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
181 Corluka, V – CRO – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
182 Piszczek, L – POL – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
183 Zielinski, P – POL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
184 Sigthorsson, K – ICE – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
186 Dzsudzsak, B – HUN – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
187 Kucka, J – SVK – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
188 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
189 Ward, J – NIR – STR Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
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Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

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The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoopZidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 35 - 3 May 2016
Kenna table – week 35 – 3 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 39 3
2 Pikey Scum Jack 39 0
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 36 4
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 2
7 Uncertain Pete B 24 3
8 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 24 1
10 Young Boys Andrew D 23 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 2
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 1
13 Carles Carles 18 1
14 ISIL Abdi 17 2
15 KS West Green Stix 17 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 13 0
18 Team Panda George 13 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Cowley Casuals
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10 reasons to miss the Kenna League fantasy football auction

LONDON’S leading pub-based fantasy football auction takes place this Saturday afternoon.

Those taking part will tell you for the armchair manager it’s a unique experience unlikely to be found elsewhere.

Six hours of fierce bidding and fierce drinking to sign eleven Premier League players in the tried-and-tested 4-4-2 formation.

Last week we looked at reasons why managers should get involved, but what of those who shun the Kenna?

Here are 10 reasons why you wouldn’t take part.

1. You’re a Premier League manager

Jose Mourinho
RDOMINIQUE FAGET/AFP/Getty Images

Surely the reason not to take part in fantasy football management is if you have a job in real football management.

2. The other half is in charge of your diary

Calendar

You’ve never liked her old school friend. Yet here you are in a rural village at her bloody wedding. Surrounded by people whose interest in football is comparable to the strength of your phone signal. It’s a cash bar three miles from the nearest hole in the wall. You curse your lack of initiative in domestic arrangements.

3. American dentists consider you good sport

 

Poached eggsHow did Cecil the lion have his eggs?

4. You don’t actually like football, you just pretend to because everyone else does.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Chipping into water cooler chats with the occasional ‘Costa is really suited to the English game’ is an easy way to stay in with the crowd. Spending six hours in a pub surrounded by football ‘bantz’ is unfettered torture.

5. Preparation for a slumber party.

Slumber party

Only four days until guests arrive and so much to do: bake cupcakes, buy two extra microphones for SingStar, try on every cotton hot pant/vest combo in the wardrobe before deciding on what to wear. Quite why a potential Kenna manager would invite several teenage girls to a sleepover is anyone’s guess…

6. Death in the family. Close family, mind. A cousin’s pushing it.

Funeral crasher

Who’s not only selfish enough to die, but gets buried on a Saturday too?

7. You’re an enemy of the Kenna

NKVDWhether it’s a gripe over league rules or a throwaway comment about the competence of the committee, several hours of ‘football reeducation’ in a soundproof room beneath Kenna HQ is never far away. The eyes, ears and agents of the manager experiences department are everywhere.

8. You’re a loser.

Kip Dynamite

Even taking part in a fantasy auction in public is too cool for you.

9. A life-changing windfall

Brewster's Millions

Let’s face it: the league’s annual investment in Premium Bonds has less chance of paying out than a Euromillions ticket. If one manager was that lucky winner this Friday, those new-found riches could be just enough to turn the head.

10. A specialist appointment

Bestd clinic

You tried to find out if you could prove number 10 wrong from last week, didn’t you?

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Registrations open for 11th Kenna auction

TWENTY places are up for grabs at the Kenna League auction next month.

The 11th Kenna auction will take place on Saturday 8 August in The Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Due to the second-earliest start to the season in Premier League history, Kenna HQ has taken the unprecedented decision to hold the auction on the opening day. 

Bidding will begin at 12.45pm to coincide with kick off of the opening game – Manchester United v Spurs.

Managers will have to cope with the added dynamic of events on the pitch influencing events in the pub.

“The venue has a large balcony with a TV screen and a retractable awning. The good old days of sitting around a table covered with pints, player lists and brimming ashtrays are back. Hashtag pressure cooker,” said the chairman, who made the announcement at a launch event alongside the league treasurer (pictured above).

Potential managers are urged to reserve their place by contacting the treasurer to transfer the £25 entry fee.

Tuning in to Radio Luxembourg

Rules will adhere to the accepted Titus Bramble conditions, but there are a few tweaks.

Players to be introduced to auction will be picked at random using cutting-edge technology devised by the chaps in charts and graphs.

Managers not completing their team in the allotted auction time will have the gaps filled at random afterwards, and receive a remaining budget decided by the committee. Most likely this will be the average remaining budget of everyone else.

For those who can’t attend there are two choices:

  1. You can make arrangements with a second to bid remotely.
  2. Applications are open to submit silent bids (see below). Whether your application is accepted will depend on auction attendance numbers (no more than 20) and your commitment to the league.

Silent bidding must be seen as a last resort by managers who cannot attend next month. Anyone submitting silent bids must attend at least one transfer window this season to qualify for next summer’s auction, which they must attend in person.

Silent bids

Successful applicants will pick 11 desired players, attributing a bid to each one. The total bids must not exceed £100m. Bids for individual players can range between £0.5m and £50m. The Titus Bramble ruling will be enforced.

The manager submits the bids confidentially to charts and graphs. When a player with a silent bid attached is introduced to auction, the reserve price and interested manager will be announced, and bidding will start from there.

A silent bidder is unlikely to fill a team. See the paragraph above about non completion.

Contact the chairman for application details.

Transfer windows

Silent bidding is for the auction only. It will not be run for transfer windows.

If you cannot attend a transfer window and cannot bid remotely through a second, any gaps in your team will be filled at random.

The first window will be held on Friday 16 October, the eve of the Premier League restart after the international break.

As tradition dictates, the first Friday after the January window shuts will hold the second Kenna transfer window – Friday 5 February.

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Case of the ‘missing’ strike force leaves Bikini Lane boss hanging by short and curlies

David Nugent
Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)

ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.

Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.

Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.

Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.

Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”

But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”

The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”

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Appeal launched after cabby drives off with the Kenna

Kenna auction August 2014
Hammered: The gavel seen in this picture went missing hours later, along with other auction paraphernalia

KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.

The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.

The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.

Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.

The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.

“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.

“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”

The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.

A total of 17 managers battled through a Free Palestine rally to take part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.

Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent Emerson World Cup win, before the auction started just after 3pm.

For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.

All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.

Final teams will be published over the coming days.

The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabby: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.

“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction any more.”

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How to run a fantasy football auction

"To Emmanuel!"
Well informed, well oiled: Every manager needs just a player list and a drink for an auction (from the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction)

AUGUST is here, which for sports fans both sides of the Atlantic Ocean means it’s time to start preparing for the fantasy football season.

Whether it’s English Premier League, National Football League, association football, American football, soccer, footy or gridiron, the auction – or auction draft as our cousins across the Pond call it – is by far the best way for your league to pick teams – or rosters.

This Saturday (9 August) the Kenna League will hold it’s 10th anniversary auction. Since 2005 the Kenna has held nine Premier League, three World Cup and two Euros auctions, along the way looking to improve the overall experience of what can be a gruelling test for managers, but an even bigger one for organisers.

As more and more fantasy football disciples discover this ultimate format of selecting a team, it seems an ideal time to share our top 10 tips for running a fantasy football auction which will hopefully prove useful whether you’re a dilettante commissioner or veteran chairman.

1. Choose a good venue

Carpenters Arms
Cornerstone: On Saturday the Carpenter’s Arms will become the 17th London pub to host a Kenna event (photo: Bob Walker)

Atmosphere is everything. An environment where managers can focus on the auction for a few hours without distraction is the key. Avoid online auctions at all costs, you want to see the pain on the opposition’s face when they lose out on a target.

Only cricket’s Indian Premier League can shell out to hire an exclusive hotel’s conference room for an auction (and they look dull anyway). YouTube evidence suggests our American cousins find a cheaper option to be someone’s house or garage, but the Kenna League is based in London, a city where flats are small and only Russian oligarchs or Arabian oil sheikhs can afford covered parking.

For the Kenna League there is only one place for an auction, and that’s where the league was born: the pub. Central London has thousands of boozers with function rooms that do just the job, providing a convenient travelling distance for managers across the capital and, crucially, easy access to a licensed bar.

Alcohol is a must. All the better if manager’s can order drinks at the bar while participating in a bid. Shots bring an added dimension and can lead to controversy, but if there’s one thing football supporters love it’s controversy.

2. Set an appropriate budget

Pony
A pony: Kenna League entry is £25 (photo: Deep Frozen Shutterbug)

Compared to our American counterparts, who appear to set limits up to $200 (£118) for each team, the Kenna is the poor relation. League entry cost just £25 ($42). For some reason in English slang this monetary value is known as ‘a pony’.

Uncle Sam may dismiss this value as trifling, but the advantage of a lower cost is that managers are more likely to enjoy the auction, rather than see it as some sort of medium-term investment opportunity. If you want a meeting with your bank manager about risk averse investment, he’ll tell you to stay away from football. Do yourself a favour and stay away from fantasy football auctions too.

For the Kenna entry fee of a pony, managers receive as assumed £100m budget to buy 11 players, which is more in keeping with the prices footballers fetch in real life.

Those still dismissing the paltry entrance fee must also consider that during the Emerson World Cup auction in June, 16 managers racked up a bar bill of £500 ($845).

3. Set one formation and a player quota

Tactics whiteboard
Blank canvas: Each Kenna manager must adhere to the classic, some-might-say out-dated 4-4-2 formation (photo: Alex Hempworth-Smith)

Every manager should be aware from the outset of what formation of players they need to complete their team. In the US, it can be the 2RB-3WR system with it’s quota of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends etc.

For the Kenna it’s the classic 4-4-2: one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers. Ideally, the ratio should tally with the number of players in that position on the player list.

The Kenna has found an entertaining recipe for an auction to be the one-player-per-club quota, so managers may only have one player from Chelsea, one from Manchester United etc. It means competitors must think hard about who they want from each Premier League club, which can make life extremely difficult (see ‘7. Forfeits’ below).

4. Assign roles and rotate them

Aucitoneer
Entertainer: The auctioneer must add to the atmosphere (photo: peculiarhand)

The Kenna is lucky enough to have a professional auctioneer in its ranks, but even he could not keep the pace needed to host an engaging commentary for five hours. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, which some people find unsettling when forced to see him for prolonged periods.

Pick anything from three semi-competent managers to take it in turns with the hammer. Likewise, select three or more managers to take it in turns recording sales on a central list or spreadsheet. Rotation means managers will be more engaged in proceedings.

5. Robust admin

Spreadsheet mug
Mugged off: Auction organisers not properly recording sales could find themselves facing difficult questions later the evening (photo: Craig Chew-Moulding)

Our American counterparts appear to prefer projectors or large flip charts to share sales with the room. While efficient in someone’s house or garage, it can be difficult managing these items in the pub.

The Kenna is fortunate enough to have the chaps in charts and graphs. They’ve created an Excel spreadsheet to record signings, flag up if a manager has exceeded their budget or player quota and automatically generate a list of completed sales.

Make sure you’re auction has a steadfast method of chronicling events. It’ll come in handy for those ‘I only paid this much for him’ arguments late in the evening.

6. Auction pace

Bingo caller
Quick and easy: A bingo-style player draw is the fastest way to pick lots at an auction (photo: CT Young)

Attention levels must be maintained by running the auction at a brisk speed. Meandering bids and long gaps between lots are dull for everyone. Aim for around 45 players per hour. If you can get through one lot a minute you can reward the league with a cigarette break.

The pace can be sped up by introducing a random player draw instead of the tedious process of managers taking it in turns to pick a player. This Saturday the Kenna auction will see around 270 players go under the hammer. The 200 most desirable Premier League players will be drawn from a hat, meaning all managers will find the next player to be drawn of interest.

7. Forfeits

Titus Bramble and Sunderland mascot
Shaking hands with a muppet: A good forfeit process will ensure those not bringing their A game get snared (photo: Alex Connock)

The Kenna League is too old and wily to believe that any manager bought an ineligible player by accident, particularly after one manager’s unchivalrous behaviour two years ago. Whether it’s too many players in one position or too many from one club, introduce a forfeit system to punish those either cheating or not paying full attention.

The Kenna introduced the Titus Bramble ruling as a forfeit system. Any manager caught transgressing the rules will immediately have the ineligible player removed and replaced with a bogey player from the Titus Bramble squad – a pre-selected list of footballers of questionable quality.

It would be interesting to hear from our American counterparts who they consider to be the Titus Bramble of their league.

8. Auction paraphernalia

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon
Le Maillot Merde: Three times a year the Bramble Jersey is handed to the manager at the bottom of the table.

A printed player list and a pen are all each manager needs to take part. If everyone’s sitting around with their own laptop for six hours casually browsing the internet then all atmosphere is lost and you may as well be at a miserable great uncle’s wake.

Other items the Kenna has found contribute to surroundings include:

  • The Bramble Bell – an Alpine cow bell stolen from a bar in a French ski resort which is rung whenever administrators spot a Titus Bramble forfeit
  • The Horn of Africa – a bicycle horn squeezed when a sale is considered to be of poor value or a manager behaves inappropriately, named after The Horn of Africa manager’s decision to resign mid-auction when things didn’t quite go his way
  • The Bramble Jersey – a Wigan Athletic shirt allegedly worn by Titus himself which must be put on by the manager in last place in the rankings table at any league gathering.

9. Time limit

Bar billiards
Bar billiards: Like the traditional pub game, this year the Kenna auction will have a time limit (photo: Matthew Armendariz)

If you organise an auction after work on a weeknight there’s always a risk the pub will shut before everyone’s had a chance to fill their teams.

If you organise an auction on a Saturday afternoon there’s always a risk some manager’s wife will book theatre tickets for the evening because many ladies, erroneously, consider Lion King On Ice more important than a fantasy football league.

Either way, you can be left in the ball ache of a position of having to retrospectively fill teams by email.

This Saturday the Kenna is looking to combat this administrator’s nightmare by introducing a time limit. The chaps in charts and graphs have come up with an ingenious spreadsheet that will automatically allocate remaining players based on desirability and managers’ remaining budgets.

If you don’t want to find yourself sending out lists of available players while nursing an auction night hangover, it’s suggested you find a similar solution.

10. Transfer windows

Transfer night in The Enterprise
Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for last season’s February transfer window.

The Kenna meets twice during the Premier League season (early October and early February) for transfer windows. At these events managers sell their unwanted players at auction, and buy available players at auction.

Spice things up a bit by getting managers to submit their players two days beforehand in unusual ways by offering them bonuses for doing so. In the Kenna, the traditional method of sending in transfers by fax or mail attract the largest bonus. Avoid professional couriers, as some managers can just get these on their work accounts.

Conclusion

These are just a few pointers picked up in pursuit of hosting a great auction. We hope you found these tips useful, or at least enjoyed reading them.

Remember the most essential item in putting on the perfect auction is atmosphere. Picture the scene: it’s two hours in, everyone’s had a couple of drinks, teams are filling up, the mockery is flying, bids are flying, managers are starting to forfeit themselves, bells are ringing and one poor sod is sweating into a polyester football shirt.

In the Kenna that golden time is known as ‘The Bramble Hour’. Find it and managers will come flocking back to your league again and again.

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2014 Emerson World Cup announced

Emerson
Silky: Emerson appeared for 14 professional football clubs in an 18-year career

LONDON’S best pub-based fantasy football World Cup competition will be named after former Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Emerson, it was announced today.

Best remembered in England for his two-season stint on Teeside in the 1990s, Emerson’s unfulfilled potential, meandering CV, failure to appear for his national side and dodgy haircut were key factors in the Kenna HQ committee’s decision to make him the contest’s figurehead.

For the first time the traditional auction will be held on the opening day of the tournament, Thursday 12 June. The match between Brazil and Croatia will kick off halfway through an auction experts predict will last around five hours.

“The 2014 Emerson World Cup auction will be a continuous, high intensity affair that will test managers’ skills to the very limit,” enthused the chairman.

“Players will be auctioned thick and fast, and among distractions like the opening tournament game on a pub TV in the background and regular round-buying we can expect entrants to find themselves falling foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling,” he said, with a nod to the Horn of Africa manager’s unprecedented resignation during the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.

As with the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup in South Africa before it, the Emerson will limit managers to buying no more than one player of any nationality.

Managers will also be required to set their teams out in a rigid 4-4-2 formation, a proven formula at international level.

The Emerson winner will receive an estimated £150 cash prize, with the two runners up also getting their mitts on some dosh.

In a move away from previous international tournaments, there will be no prize for the best individual player. Instead a radical new system will see the team with the worst disciplinary record winning the Emerson Unfair Play award. It is hoped the award will keep wider interest further into the competition.

In unrelated news, the official partner of the 2014 Emerson World Cup has been confirmed as Soul Glo – a Jheri Curl product: Let Your Soul Shine Through.

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Rapids de Cullons CF 2013/14

Jorge
Senor Peligroso: The Rapids de Cullons CF manager

Manager: Jorge (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @BoatBarandCo

Since: 2010

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 12th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: Boat drinks – Jimmy Buffett

Outlook (on 30 August): ‘Come back to the boat’. The words sound so innocent. After eight hours of Kenna auction in the pub, the Rapids manager invited the league back to his bar: a boat moored on the River Thames. What most managers weren’t expecting (some, including the chairman, already know the boat well, and some other places) was another six hours of shooters surrounded by young Spanish women. Football aside, this is the most dangerous manager in the Kenna.

On the pitch, Rapids have the the potential to beat the manager’s last Kenna outing of 12th place. Buying players new to England’s shores is always a risk, but Negredo and Aspas are already proving to be worthy signings. The rest of the side look capable of making appearances and providing spark, although how long will it be before John Terry is hauled before the authorities on a charge of inciting racial hatred?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSfONJYIyGM&w=560&h=315]

Stekelenburg, M FUL £17m
Terry, J CHE £14m
Alonso, M SUN £2.5m
Lugano, D WBA £1.5m
Caulker, S CAR £1m
Young, A MUN £3.5m
de Guzman, J SWA £4m
Pienaar, S EVE £8m
Arteta, M ARS £10m
Negredo, A MCY £25m
Crouch, P STO £10m
    £96.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out       In      
Pos Player Team Sold Pos Player Team Paid
DEF Garrido, J NOR Free DEF Alonso, M SUN £2.5m
STR Aspas, I LIV Free STR Crouch, P STO £10m
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