auction – The Jeff Kenna League

Graywash

SUE Gray has completely exonerated the chairman of any wrongdoing in her report filed this week.

The inquiry found the vice chairman guilty of touching several children in his club’s academy, and Sue Gray has reported him to the police.

The vice chairman’s side was ditched out of the Covid Cup this week ahead of the knockout round, along with Judean Peoples’ Front, Thieving Magpies, and Test Team (please ignore).

“When I arrive at the transfer window on Saturday the chairman’s going to get both barrels,” fumed the vice chairman while loading his colonial cosplay elephant gun.

Even though the window promises to be a special event, with many league members not having seen each other in person for at least two years, the managers of Reds and Casuals maintain they’ll be drinking nothing stronger than coffee on the 10.34 from Oxford.

Transfer window schedule this Saturday

11.37am – Idris Elba tries to get into the Colton Arms but is turned away

12pm – managers gather in the Colton Arms

12.45pm – window opens

6pm – window closes

Free agents scoring at least three points a week this season

Rudiger – 101
Ramsdale – 99
Kilman – 91
Emmanuel Dennis – 86
Fornals – 85
Saiss – 82
Norgaard – 79
Smith Rowe – 79
Mbuemo – 78
Regulion – 75
Edouard – 75
Rice – 75
Canos – 71
Odegaard – 71
Josh King – 69
Kovacic – 69
Gundogan – 68
Townsend – 67
Hojbjerg – 67
Tomiyasu – 66
Krul – 65
Buendia – 63
McTominay – 63
Mac Allister – 63
Moder – 62
Janelt – 61
Jacob Ramsey – 61

Released players and war chests

Managers may release one additional wildcard player at any time during the window

Manager	Released	Bramble tied	War chest	Gaps
Bala Rinas	Cedric, Hendo, Thiago, Savile		70.5	DF, MFx2, ST
Fadges	Bertrand, Holgate, Taylor, Ndombele, Jensen		70	DFx3, MFx2
Test Team	Aurier, Cahill, Bailey, Greenwood	Digne/Bailey	57.5	DFx2, MF, ST
Lokomotiv Leeds	PVA, Holding, Havertz, Rodri, Martial		51.5	DFx2, MFx2, ST
Chairman	Castagne		43	DF
Pirate	Ben Davies, Ryan Fraser		42	DF, MF
Piss Poor	Pereira, Traore B, Maitland-Niles		39	DF, MFx2
Pies			36
Vice chairman	Areola, Mendy, Zouma, J Rod, Burn, Gil, Barnes		36	GK, DFx3, MFx2, ST
Daggers	Fred, Doucoure, Nketiah		36	MFx2, ST
Breivik			36
Pikey Scum	Lo Celso		35.5	MF
Cowley Casuals	Leno, Fofana, Doherty		26.5	GK, DFx2
Barry Town	Boly, Bellerin, Young, Eze, Joelinton		26	DFx3, MF, ST
Cream	F Torres, A Traore		25.5	ST, MF
Reverse Cowboys	Abraham		25	ST
Dynamo Charlton	Wan-Bissaka, Wilson C		23.5	DF, ST
Molseley Massive	Shaw, Targett, Pulisic, Ayoze		14.5	DFx2, MFx2
Dark Lord	Auba, Chilwell		14	DF, ST
Reds	Godfrey, Pepe, Benteke		14	DF, MF, ST

Kenna League week 20

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 20 - 25 January 2022 — Kenna week 20 – 25 January 2022

Kenna League week 19

Kenna week 19 - 18 January 2022 — Kenna week 19 – 18 January 2022

Covid Cup group stage final standings

Boumsong auction overshadowed by De Gea allegations

IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.

News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.

In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.

Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.

Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.

Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.

The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.

Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.

A total of 12 managers congregated for the four-hour auction. The treasurer followed the auction live on Periscope.

More than 160 other Periscope users tuned into the action, before realising it was just a bunch of blokes in the pub, drinking heavily in replica international shirts.

A bit like Marseille before Russians with fireworks and balaclavas turned up.

Boumsong auction sales – by value

Lot number	PlayTeamPos	Manager	Team Name	Cost £m
46	Muller, T – GER – STR	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	40
16	Ronaldo, C – POT – STR	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	39
74	Giroud, O – FRA – STR	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	34
21	Kane, H – ENG – STR	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	30
43	Rooney, W – ENG – STR	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	29
49	Hazard, E – BEL – MID	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	29
6	Lukaku, R – BEL – STR	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	25
72	Ozil, M – GER – MID	Ben D	Blame Canada	25
62	Lewandowski, R – POL – STR	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	24
7	de Bruyne, K – BEL – MID	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	23
79	Pogba, P – FRA – MID	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	23
51	Silva, D – ESP – MID	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	22
185	Silva, D – ESP – MID	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	22
13	Morata, A – ESP – STR	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	20
19	Alli, D – ENG – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	20
131	Nolito – ESP – STR	Kike	Asturius FC	20
134	Rami, A – FRA – DEF	Jack	Up Yours Delors	20
47	Bale, G – WAL – MID	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	19
88	Griezmann, A – FRA – STR	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	19
39	Ibrahimovic, Z – SWE – STR	Jorge	Barco FC	18
45	Pique, G – ESP – DEF	Jack	Up Yours Delors	18
5	Koscielny, L – FRA – DEF	Kike	Asturius FC	17
17	Chiellini, G – ITA – DEF	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	17
26	Vardy, J – ENG – STR	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	17
28	Alba, J – ESP – DEF	Ben D	Blame Canada	17
11	Hamsik, M – SVK – MID	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	16
40	Rakitic, I – CRO – MID	Kike	Asturius FC	16
48	Neuer, M – GER – GK	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	16
53	Ramos, S – ESP – DEF	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	16
89	Gomez, M – GER – STR	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	16
92	Gotze, M – GER – MID	Kike	Asturius FC	16
31	Kroos, T – GER – MID	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	15
91	Perisic, I – CRO – MID	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	15
126	Bonucci, L – ITA – DEF	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	15
155	Juanfran – ESP – DEF	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	15
4	Hummels, M – GER – DEF	Jorge	Barco FC	14
24	Payet, D – FRA – MID	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	14
30	Hector, J – GER – DEF	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	14
42	Courtois, T – BEL – GK	Jorge	Barco FC	14
57	Boateng, J – GER – DEF	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	14
10	Modric, L – CRO – MID	Jorge	Barco FC	13
12	Nani – POT – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	13
37	Sturridge, D – ENG – STR	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	13
56	Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	13
61	Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	13
123	Fellaini, M – BEL – MID	Pete B	Real Brexit	13
161	Alcantara, T – ESP – MID	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	13
22	Buffon, G – ITA – GK	Ben D	Blame Canada	12
34	Dzyuba, A – RUS – STR	Pete B	Real Brexit	12
64	Arnautovic, M – AUT – MID	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	12
121	Mertens, D – BEL – MID	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	12
136	Alli, D – ENG – MID	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	12
1	Iniesta, A – ESP – MID	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	11
9	Coman, K – FRA – MID	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	11
15	Mertens, D – BEL – MID	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	11
29	Darmian, M – ITA – DEF	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	11
66	Alaba, D – AUT – MID	Ben D	Blame Canada	11
68	Evra, P – FRA – DEF	Ben D	Blame Canada	11
70	Sterling, R – ENG – MID	Jorge	Barco FC	11
75	Patricio, R – POT – GK	Kike	Asturius FC	11
86	Mandzukic, M – CRO – STR	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	11
97	Milik, A – POL – STR	Ben D	Blame Canada	11
107	Lichtsteiner, S – SUI – DEF	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	11
2	Pelle, G – ITA – STR	Jorge	Barco FC	10
3	Chester, J – WAL – DEF	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	10
41	Janko, M – AUT – STR	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	10
44	Walker, K – ENG – DEF	Ben D	Blame Canada	10
55	Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF	Jack	Up Yours Delors	10
71	De Sciglio, M – ITA – DEF	Kike	Asturius FC	10
78	Casillas, I – ESP – GK	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	10
82	Smalling, C – ENG – DEF	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	10
93	Sigurdsson, G – ICE – MID	Pete B	Real Brexit	10
112	Candreva, A – ITA – MID	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	10
133	Edwards, D – WAL – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	10
144	Lallana, A – ENG – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	10
173	Calhanoglu, H – TUR – MID	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	10
33	Stones, J – ENG – DEF	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	9
52	Rose, D – ENG – DEF	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	9
63	Moutinho, J – POT – MID	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	9
73	Cech, P – CZE – GK	Jack	Up Yours Delors	9
77	Sagna, B – FRA – DEF	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	9
81	Vermaelen, T – BEL – DEF	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	9
83	Fabregas, C – ESP – MID	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	9
85	Hart, J – ENG – GK	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	9
100	Howedes, B – GER – DEF	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	9
76	Busquets, S – ESP – MID	Pete B	Real Brexit	8
94	Turan, A – TUR – MID	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	8
130	Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF	Pete B	Real Brexit	8
8	El Shaarawy, S – ITA – STR	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	7
20	Srna, D – CRO – DEF	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	7
98	Rosicky, T – CZE – MID	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	7
106	Soares, C – POT – DEF	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	7
108	Skrtel, M – SVK – DEF	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	7
142	Draxler, J – GER – MID	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	7
60	Aduriz, A – ESP – STR	Jorge	Barco FC	6
109	Quaresma, R – POT – MID	Jorge	Barco FC	6
14	Shevchuk, V – UKR – DEF	Pete B	Real Brexit	5
27	Yarmolenko, A – UKR – STR	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	5
32	Long, S – IRL – STR	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	5
54	Martial, A – FRA – STR	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	5
58	Cahill, G – ENG – DEF	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	5
59	Ramsey, A – WAL – MID	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	5
65	Williams, A – WAL – DEF	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	5
69	Limbersky, D – CZE – DEF	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	5
87	Pepe – POT – DEF	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	5
104	Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	5
113	Glik, K – POL – DEF	Jack	Up Yours Delors	5
145	Khedira, S – GER – MID	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	5
152	McCarthy, J – IRL – MID	Kike	Asturius FC	5
25	Khacheridi, Y – UKR – DEF	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	4
38	Matuidi, B – FRA – MID	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	4
102	Fuchs, C – AUT – DEF	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	4
103	Silva, R – POT – MID	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	4
138	Pekarik, P – SVK – DEF	Jorge	Barco FC	4
18	de Gea, D – ESP – GK	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	3
80	Stancu, B – RMN – STR	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	3
95	Koke – ESP – MID	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	3
111	Coleman, S – IRL – DEF	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	3
118	Blaszczykowski, J – POL – MID	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	3
119	Seferovic, H – SUI – STR	Jack	Up Yours Delors	3
148	Djourou, J – SUI – DEF	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	3
150	Danilo – POT – DEF	Pete B	Real Brexit	3
67	Granqvist, A – SWE – DEF	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	2
84	Lloris, H – FRA – GK	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	2
96	Tatarusanu, C – RMN – GK	Pete B	Real Brexit	2
114	Krychowiak, G – POL – MID	Jorge	Barco FC	2
116	Fabianski, L – POL – GK	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	2
132	Florenzi, A – ITA – MID	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	2
149	Schar, F – SUI – DEF	Jorge	Barco FC	2
158	Forsberg, E – SWE – MID	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	2
23	Insigne, L – ITA – STR	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	1
35	Kaderabek, P – CZE – DEF	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	1
36	Yilmaz, B – TUR – STR	Ben D	Blame Canada	1
50	Lafferty, K – NIR – STR	Pete B	Real Brexit	1
90	Origi, D – BEL – STR	Kike	Asturius FC	1
105	De Rossi, D – ITA – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	1
124	Prodl, S – AUT – DEF	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	1
137	De Rossi, D – ITA – MID	Jack	Up Yours Delors	1
139	Konoplyanka, Y – UKR – MID	Ben D	Blame Canada	1
140	Almer, R – AUT – GK	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	1
160	Denayer, J – BEL – DEF	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	1
177	Kovacic, M – CRO – MID	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	1
99	Olsson, M – SWE – DEF	Abdi	L’ Horn d’ Afrque	0.5
101	Podolski, L – GER – STR	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
110	Walters, J – IRL – STR	Jack	Up Yours Delors	0.5
115	Keane, R – IRL – STR	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	0.5
117	Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
120	Evans, J – NIR – DEF	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	0.5
122	Inan, S – TUR – MID	Pete B	Real Brexit	0.5
125	Pyatov, A – UKR – GK	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	0.5
127	Sivok, T – CZE – DEF	Kike	Asturius FC	0.5
128	Sanches, R – POT – MID	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
129	Kokorin, A – RUS – STR	Sholto	Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s	0.5
135	Dier, E – ENG – MID	Kike	Asturius FC	0.5
141	Nainggolan, R – BEL – MID	Will	Wandsworth Window Lickers	0.5
143	Okotie, R – AUT – MID	Kike	Asturius FC	0.5
146	Shirokov, R – RUS – MID	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
147	Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
151	Dragovic, A – AUT – DEF	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
153	Hennessey, W – WAL – GK	Stu	Cowley Caliphate	0.5
154	Guerreiro, R – POT – DEF	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	0.5
156	Mario, J – POT – MID	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
157	Berg, M – SWE – STR	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	0.5
159	Mignolet, S – BEL – GK	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
162	Rashford, M – ENG – STR	Pete B	Real Brexit	0.5
163	Taylor, N – WAL – DEF	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	0.5
164	Mangala, E – FRA – DEF	Luke	Dulwhich Red Sox	0.5
165	Chiriches, V – RMN – DEF	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	0.5
166	Nemec, A – SVK – STR	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
167	Alves, B – POT – DEF	Spencer	2 Goals One Cup	0.5
168	Alves, B – POT – DEF	Ben D	Blame Canada	0.5
169	Rat, R – RMN – DEF	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
170	Larsson, S – SWE – MID	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	0.5
171	Weiss, V – SVK – MID	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	0.5
172	Harnik, M – AUT – MID	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
174	Klein, F – AUT – MID	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	0.5
175	Xhaka, G – SUI – MID	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	0.5
176	Mehmedi, A – SUI – STR	Ben D	Blame Canada	0.5
178	Subasic, D – CRO – GK	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	0.5
179	Kalinic, N – CRO – STR	Stix	Napoleon Dynorod	0.5
180	Silva, A – POT – MID	Lewis	I can be you euro baby	0.5
181	Corluka, V – CRO – DEF	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	0.5
182	Piszczek, L – POL – DEF	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	0.5
183	Zielinski, P – POL – MID	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	0.5
184	Sigthorsson, K – ICE – STR	Ben M	Sporting Lesbian’s	0.5
186	Dzsudzsak, B – HUN – MID	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	0.5
187	Kucka, J – SVK – MID	James N	FC TesticuladewLand	0.5
188	Nemec, A – SVK – STR	Andrew D	Democratic Republic of Young Boys	0.5
189	Ward, J – NIR – STR	Ben	Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds	0.5

Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoop, Zidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Cowley Casuals	Stu	39	3
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	39	0
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	36	4
4	Newington Reds	Ben D	31	2
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	29	2
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	27	2
7	Uncertain	Pete B	24	3
8	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
9	FC Tescticuladew	James N	24	1
10	Young Boys	Andrew D	23	1
11	Thieving Magpies	Phil	22	2
12	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	21	1
13	Carles	Carles	18	1
14	ISIL	Abdi	17	2
15	KS West Green	Stix	17	1
16	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	15	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	13	0
18	Team Panda	George	13	0
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Mane, S – SOT – MID
		Club	*Cowley Casuals*

10 reasons to miss the Kenna League fantasy football auction

LONDON’S leading pub-based fantasy football auction takes place this Saturday afternoon.

Those taking part will tell you for the armchair manager it’s a unique experience unlikely to be found elsewhere.

Six hours of fierce bidding and fierce drinking to sign eleven Premier League players in the tried-and-tested 4-4-2 formation.

Last week we looked at reasons why managers should get involved, but what of those who shun the Kenna?

Here are 10 reasons why you wouldn’t take part.

1. You’re a Premier League manager

Jose Mourinho — RDOMINIQUE FAGET/AFP/Getty Images

Surely the reason not to take part in fantasy football management is if you have a job in real football management.

2. The other half is in charge of your diary

You’ve never liked her old school friend. Yet here you are in a rural village at her bloody wedding. Surrounded by people whose interest in football is comparable to the strength of your phone signal. It’s a cash bar three miles from the nearest hole in the wall. You curse your lack of initiative in domestic arrangements.

3. American dentists consider you good sport

How did Cecil the lion have his eggs?

4. You don’t actually like football, you just pretend to because everyone else does.

Chipping into water cooler chats with the occasional ‘Costa is really suited to the English game’ is an easy way to stay in with the crowd. Spending six hours in a pub surrounded by football ‘bantz’ is unfettered torture.

5. Preparation for a slumber party.

Only four days until guests arrive and so much to do: bake cupcakes, buy two extra microphones for SingStar, try on every cotton hot pant/vest combo in the wardrobe before deciding on what to wear. Quite why a potential Kenna manager would invite several teenage girls to a sleepover is anyone’s guess…

6. Death in the family. Close family, mind. A cousin’s pushing it.

Who’s not only selfish enough to die, but gets buried on a Saturday too?

7. You’re an enemy of the Kenna

Whether it’s a gripe over league rules or a throwaway comment about the competence of the committee, several hours of ‘football reeducation’ in a soundproof room beneath Kenna HQ is never far away. The eyes, ears and agents of the manager experiences department are everywhere.

8. You’re a loser.

Even taking part in a fantasy auction in public is too cool for you.

9. A life-changing windfall

Let’s face it: the league’s annual investment in Premium Bonds has less chance of paying out than a Euromillions ticket. If one manager was that lucky winner this Friday, those new-found riches could be just enough to turn the head.

10. A specialist appointment

You tried to find out if you could prove number 10 wrong from last week, didn’t you?

Registrations open for 11th Kenna auction

TWENTY places are up for grabs at the Kenna League auction next month.

The 11th Kenna auction will take place on Saturday 8 August in The Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Due to the second-earliest start to the season in Premier League history, Kenna HQ has taken the unprecedented decision to hold the auction on the opening day.

Bidding will begin at 12.45pm to coincide with kick off of the opening game – Manchester United v Spurs.

Managers will have to cope with the added dynamic of events on the pitch influencing events in the pub.

“The venue has a large balcony with a TV screen and a retractable awning. The good old days of sitting around a table covered with pints, player lists and brimming ashtrays are back. Hashtag pressure cooker,” said the chairman, who made the announcement at a launch event alongside the league treasurer (pictured above).

Potential managers are urged to reserve their place by contacting the treasurer to transfer the £25 entry fee.

Tuning in to Radio Luxembourg

Rules will adhere to the accepted Titus Bramble conditions, but there are a few tweaks.

Players to be introduced to auction will be picked at random using cutting-edge technology devised by the chaps in charts and graphs.

Managers not completing their team in the allotted auction time will have the gaps filled at random afterwards, and receive a remaining budget decided by the committee. Most likely this will be the average remaining budget of everyone else.

For those who can’t attend there are two choices:

You can make arrangements with a second to bid remotely.
Applications are open to submit silent bids (see below). Whether your application is accepted will depend on auction attendance numbers (no more than 20) and your commitment to the league.

Silent bidding must be seen as a last resort by managers who cannot attend next month. Anyone submitting silent bids must attend at least one transfer window this season to qualify for next summer’s auction, which they must attend in person.

Silent bids

Successful applicants will pick 11 desired players, attributing a bid to each one. The total bids must not exceed £100m. Bids for individual players can range between £0.5m and £50m. The Titus Bramble ruling will be enforced.

The manager submits the bids confidentially to charts and graphs. When a player with a silent bid attached is introduced to auction, the reserve price and interested manager will be announced, and bidding will start from there.

A silent bidder is unlikely to fill a team. See the paragraph above about non completion.

Contact the chairman for application details.

Transfer windows

Silent bidding is for the auction only. It will not be run for transfer windows.

If you cannot attend a transfer window and cannot bid remotely through a second, any gaps in your team will be filled at random.

The first window will be held on Friday 16 October, the eve of the Premier League restart after the international break.

As tradition dictates, the first Friday after the January window shuts will hold the second Kenna transfer window – Friday 5 February.

Case of the ‘missing’ strike force leaves Bikini Lane boss hanging by short and curlies

Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)

ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.

Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.

Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.

Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.

Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”

@jeffkennaleague Goals and creativity in midfield: The Ox, Rodwell, Barkley, Hazard. Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.

— Aiden (@Br15land) August 11, 2014

But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”

The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”

Appeal launched after cabby drives off with the Kenna

Kenna auction August 2014 — Hammered: The gavel seen in this picture went missing hours later, along with other auction paraphernalia

KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.

The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.

The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.

Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.

The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.

“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.

“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”

The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.

A total of 17 managers battled through a Free Palestine rally to take part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.

Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent Emerson World Cup win, before the auction started just after 3pm.

For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.

All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.

Final teams will be published over the coming days.

The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabby: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.

“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction any more.”

How to run a fantasy football auction

"To Emmanuel!" — Well informed, well oiled: Every manager needs just a player list and a drink for an auction (from the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction)

AUGUST is here, which for sports fans both sides of the Atlantic Ocean means it’s time to start preparing for the fantasy football season.

Whether it’s English Premier League, National Football League, association football, American football, soccer, footy or gridiron, the auction – or auction draft as our cousins across the Pond call it – is by far the best way for your league to pick teams – or rosters.

This Saturday (9 August) the Kenna League will hold it’s 10th anniversary auction. Since 2005 the Kenna has held nine Premier League, three World Cup and two Euros auctions, along the way looking to improve the overall experience of what can be a gruelling test for managers, but an even bigger one for organisers.

As more and more fantasy football disciples discover this ultimate format of selecting a team, it seems an ideal time to share our top 10 tips for running a fantasy football auction which will hopefully prove useful whether you’re a dilettante commissioner or veteran chairman.

1. Choose a good venue

Carpenters Arms — Cornerstone: On Saturday the Carpenter’s Arms will become the 17th London pub to host a Kenna event (photo: Bob Walker)

Atmosphere is everything. An environment where managers can focus on the auction for a few hours without distraction is the key. Avoid online auctions at all costs, you want to see the pain on the opposition’s face when they lose out on a target.

Only cricket’s Indian Premier League can shell out to hire an exclusive hotel’s conference room for an auction (and they look dull anyway). YouTube evidence suggests our American cousins find a cheaper option to be someone’s house or garage, but the Kenna League is based in London, a city where flats are small and only Russian oligarchs or Arabian oil sheikhs can afford covered parking.

For the Kenna League there is only one place for an auction, and that’s where the league was born: the pub. Central London has thousands of boozers with function rooms that do just the job, providing a convenient travelling distance for managers across the capital and, crucially, easy access to a licensed bar.

Alcohol is a must. All the better if manager’s can order drinks at the bar while participating in a bid. Shots bring an added dimension and can lead to controversy, but if there’s one thing football supporters love it’s controversy.

2. Set an appropriate budget

Pony — A pony: Kenna League entry is £25 (photo: Deep Frozen Shutterbug)

Compared to our American counterparts, who appear to set limits up to $200 (£118) for each team, the Kenna is the poor relation. League entry cost just £25 ($42). For some reason in English slang this monetary value is known as ‘a pony’.

Uncle Sam may dismiss this value as trifling, but the advantage of a lower cost is that managers are more likely to enjoy the auction, rather than see it as some sort of medium-term investment opportunity. If you want a meeting with your bank manager about risk averse investment, he’ll tell you to stay away from football. Do yourself a favour and stay away from fantasy football auctions too.

For the Kenna entry fee of a pony, managers receive as assumed £100m budget to buy 11 players, which is more in keeping with the prices footballers fetch in real life.

Those still dismissing the paltry entrance fee must also consider that during the Emerson World Cup auction in June, 16 managers racked up a bar bill of £500 ($845).

3. Set one formation and a player quota

Tactics whiteboard — Blank canvas: Each Kenna manager must adhere to the classic, some-might-say out-dated 4-4-2 formation (photo: Alex Hempworth-Smith)

Every manager should be aware from the outset of what formation of players they need to complete their team. In the US, it can be the 2RB-3WR system with it’s quota of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends etc.

For the Kenna it’s the classic 4-4-2: one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers. Ideally, the ratio should tally with the number of players in that position on the player list.

The Kenna has found an entertaining recipe for an auction to be the one-player-per-club quota, so managers may only have one player from Chelsea, one from Manchester United etc. It means competitors must think hard about who they want from each Premier League club, which can make life extremely difficult (see ‘7. Forfeits’ below).

4. Assign roles and rotate them

Aucitoneer — Entertainer: The auctioneer must add to the atmosphere (photo: peculiarhand)

The Kenna is lucky enough to have a professional auctioneer in its ranks, but even he could not keep the pace needed to host an engaging commentary for five hours. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, which some people find unsettling when forced to see him for prolonged periods.

Pick anything from three semi-competent managers to take it in turns with the hammer. Likewise, select three or more managers to take it in turns recording sales on a central list or spreadsheet. Rotation means managers will be more engaged in proceedings.

5. Robust admin

Spreadsheet mug — Mugged off: Auction organisers not properly recording sales could find themselves facing difficult questions later the evening (photo: Craig Chew-Moulding)

Our American counterparts appear to prefer projectors or large flip charts to share sales with the room. While efficient in someone’s house or garage, it can be difficult managing these items in the pub.

The Kenna is fortunate enough to have the chaps in charts and graphs. They’ve created an Excel spreadsheet to record signings, flag up if a manager has exceeded their budget or player quota and automatically generate a list of completed sales.

Make sure you’re auction has a steadfast method of chronicling events. It’ll come in handy for those ‘I only paid this much for him’ arguments late in the evening.

6. Auction pace

Bingo caller — Quick and easy: A bingo-style player draw is the fastest way to pick lots at an auction (photo: CT Young)

Attention levels must be maintained by running the auction at a brisk speed. Meandering bids and long gaps between lots are dull for everyone. Aim for around 45 players per hour. If you can get through one lot a minute you can reward the league with a cigarette break.

The pace can be sped up by introducing a random player draw instead of the tedious process of managers taking it in turns to pick a player. This Saturday the Kenna auction will see around 270 players go under the hammer. The 200 most desirable Premier League players will be drawn from a hat, meaning all managers will find the next player to be drawn of interest.

7. Forfeits

Titus Bramble and Sunderland mascot — Shaking hands with a muppet: A good forfeit process will ensure those not bringing their A game get snared (photo: Alex Connock)

The Kenna League is too old and wily to believe that any manager bought an ineligible player by accident, particularly after one manager’s unchivalrous behaviour two years ago. Whether it’s too many players in one position or too many from one club, introduce a forfeit system to punish those either cheating or not paying full attention.

The Kenna introduced the Titus Bramble ruling as a forfeit system. Any manager caught transgressing the rules will immediately have the ineligible player removed and replaced with a bogey player from the Titus Bramble squad – a pre-selected list of footballers of questionable quality.

It would be interesting to hear from our American counterparts who they consider to be the Titus Bramble of their league.

8. Auction paraphernalia

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — Le Maillot Merde: Three times a year the Bramble Jersey is handed to the manager at the bottom of the table.

A printed player list and a pen are all each manager needs to take part. If everyone’s sitting around with their own laptop for six hours casually browsing the internet then all atmosphere is lost and you may as well be at a miserable great uncle’s wake.

Other items the Kenna has found contribute to surroundings include:

The Bramble Bell – an Alpine cow bell stolen from a bar in a French ski resort which is rung whenever administrators spot a Titus Bramble forfeit
The Horn of Africa – a bicycle horn squeezed when a sale is considered to be of poor value or a manager behaves inappropriately, named after The Horn of Africa manager’s decision to resign mid-auction when things didn’t quite go his way
The Bramble Jersey – a Wigan Athletic shirt allegedly worn by Titus himself which must be put on by the manager in last place in the rankings table at any league gathering.

9. Time limit

Bar billiards: Like the traditional pub game, this year the Kenna auction will have a time limit (photo: Matthew Armendariz)

If you organise an auction after work on a weeknight there’s always a risk the pub will shut before everyone’s had a chance to fill their teams.

If you organise an auction on a Saturday afternoon there’s always a risk some manager’s wife will book theatre tickets for the evening because many ladies, erroneously, consider Lion King On Ice more important than a fantasy football league.

Either way, you can be left in the ball ache of a position of having to retrospectively fill teams by email.

This Saturday the Kenna is looking to combat this administrator’s nightmare by introducing a time limit. The chaps in charts and graphs have come up with an ingenious spreadsheet that will automatically allocate remaining players based on desirability and managers’ remaining budgets.

If you don’t want to find yourself sending out lists of available players while nursing an auction night hangover, it’s suggested you find a similar solution.

10. Transfer windows

Transfer night in The Enterprise — Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for last season’s February transfer window.

The Kenna meets twice during the Premier League season (early October and early February) for transfer windows. At these events managers sell their unwanted players at auction, and buy available players at auction.

Spice things up a bit by getting managers to submit their players two days beforehand in unusual ways by offering them bonuses for doing so. In the Kenna, the traditional method of sending in transfers by fax or mail attract the largest bonus. Avoid professional couriers, as some managers can just get these on their work accounts.

Conclusion

These are just a few pointers picked up in pursuit of hosting a great auction. We hope you found these tips useful, or at least enjoyed reading them.

Remember the most essential item in putting on the perfect auction is atmosphere. Picture the scene: it’s two hours in, everyone’s had a couple of drinks, teams are filling up, the mockery is flying, bids are flying, managers are starting to forfeit themselves, bells are ringing and one poor sod is sweating into a polyester football shirt.

In the Kenna that golden time is known as ‘The Bramble Hour’. Find it and managers will come flocking back to your league again and again.

2014 Emerson World Cup announced

LONDON’S best pub-based fantasy football World Cup competition will be named after former Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Emerson, it was announced today.

Best remembered in England for his two-season stint on Teeside in the 1990s, Emerson’s unfulfilled potential, meandering CV, failure to appear for his national side and dodgy haircut were key factors in the Kenna HQ committee’s decision to make him the contest’s figurehead.

For the first time the traditional auction will be held on the opening day of the tournament, Thursday 12 June. The match between Brazil and Croatia will kick off halfway through an auction experts predict will last around five hours.

“The 2014 Emerson World Cup auction will be a continuous, high intensity affair that will test managers’ skills to the very limit,” enthused the chairman.

“Players will be auctioned thick and fast, and among distractions like the opening tournament game on a pub TV in the background and regular round-buying we can expect entrants to find themselves falling foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling,” he said, with a nod to the Horn of Africa manager’s unprecedented resignation during the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.

As with the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup in South Africa before it, the Emerson will limit managers to buying no more than one player of any nationality.

Managers will also be required to set their teams out in a rigid 4-4-2 formation, a proven formula at international level.

The Emerson winner will receive an estimated £150 cash prize, with the two runners up also getting their mitts on some dosh.

In a move away from previous international tournaments, there will be no prize for the best individual player. Instead a radical new system will see the team with the worst disciplinary record winning the Emerson Unfair Play award. It is hoped the award will keep wider interest further into the competition.

In unrelated news, the official partner of the 2014 Emerson World Cup has been confirmed as Soul Glo – a Jheri Curl product: Let Your Soul Shine Through.