Barcelona to ignore ‘mouldy chorizo’ Latin managers

A LATINO will not take the vacant manager position at Barcelona because of their miserable Kenna League form, the Camp Nou has confirmed.

Luis Enrique’s announcement he will vacate the Barca position at the end of the season prompted club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to play down rumours another Iberian could get the job.

“You look at how a Catalan is performing this season at the highest level of the game and he’s 300 points adrift at the bottom of the Kenna. The chorizo is mouldy,” said Bartomeu referring to the manager of Just Put Carles.

“But it’s not just this season. You look at managers from Catalonia, from Madrid, even from Asturias like Luis, and they’ve historically underachieved while English managers – Ingles! Dios mio! – have had the better of them,” Bartomeu said in thinly-veiled reference to the time a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola performed better than a real-life Catalan.

Meanwhile, the Kenna League has come under fire for failing to post an update for three weeks.

Flimsy excuses from Kenna HQ ranged between ‘I was at a black tie jolly in Manchester’ to ‘I was at a gender balance conference in Stockholm’.

The chairman stands accused both of failing to get the knockout rounds of the Narcozep Cup organised and of coming up with weak memes to try and placate managers.

“CHAIRMAN OUT,” said the vice chairman.


Kenna table week 28

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 28 - 14 March 2017
Kenna week 28 – 14 March 2017


Kenna table week 26

Kenna table week 26 - 28 February 2017
Kenna table week 26 – 28 February 2017
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Just Put Carles 2013/14

Showman: The Just Put Carles manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 5th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook (on 4 September): The Just Put Carles boss is one of a trio of Catalans in the Kenna who not in their wildest childhood dreams could have imagined emigration to the UK would end in competing at the game’s highest level. Overcoming his birth in the relative football backwater of the Costa Brava, last season the JPC boss became the Kenna’s most successful foreign manager in the league’s history by finishing in fifth position. Achievement earned the curiosity of his girlfriend, who attended last month’s auction to see for herself just what all the fuss was about. No doubt she was made to regret her decision when the new auction wildcards were unveiled.

Unlike his fellow conquistadores, the JPC manager chose to avoid the tactic of just signing Hispanic players. While Rapids de Cullons CF have five and PSV Mornington have seven, JPC boasts just Angel Rangel – an established starter who will play in defence alongside Guy Demel, Andy Wilkinson and Chris Smalling, in front of goalkeeper Tim Howard. Fernandinho, Dembele, Kacaniklic and Henderson all appear to be getting game time this campaign. Only Ba and Sanogo up front look like bench warmers.

Crucially, the manager takes £13m into the first transfer window in October, making JPC the fourth richest club in the league.


Howard, T EVE £9m
Smalling, C MUN £1m
Rosenior, L HUL £2m
Rangel, A SWA £5m
Demel, G WHM £2.5m
Mutch, J CAR £5.5m
Fernandinho MCY £30m
Colback, J SUN £0.5m
Henderson, J LIV £0.5m
Walters, J STO £0.5m
Ameobi, Sh NEW £0.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out In
Position Player Team Sold Position Player Team Paid
DEF Wilkinson, A STO Free DEF Rosenior, L HUL £2m
MID Dembele, M TOT Free MID Mutch, J CAR £5.5m
MID Kacanilkic, A FUL Free MID Colback, J SUN £0.5m
STR Ba, D CHE Free STR Walters, J STO £0.5m
STR Sanogo, Y ARS Free STR Ameobi, Sh NEW £2m
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Just Put Carles

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook: Retained the majestic services of David Silva for £10m than last season, but the manager only bought four more players at auction before leaving faster than an Alex Santos commute once he discovered his choice of wardrobe would mean buying the committee a round. Filled by Kenna HQ using the accepted procedure, the team now contains former Still Don’t Know Yet defender James Collins.

No Brambles

Schwarzer, M FUL £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £12m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Collins, J WHM £0.5m
Rangel, A SWA £8m
Arteta, M ARS £16m
Silva, D MCY £32m
Osman, L EVE £0.5m
Henderson, J LIV £0.5m
Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Maloney, S WIG £1.5m
 Total £87m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m Rangel, A SWA £8m
Welbeck, D MUN £7m Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Sturridge, D LIV £20m Maloney, S WIG £1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

No changes

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Open letter to Pep Guardiola

Kenna HQ
London WC2

Dear Pep,

We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).

We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.

When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.

Based in the capital of football, ‘the Kenna’ is the game’s premier club football competition. The league contains managers from around the globe, including two of your fellow Catalans whose pride and application more than atone for their lack of tactical acumen.

At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.

Ruud Gullit was once offered the chance of Kenna management. That he chose the soft cushions of television punditry instead speaks volumes

Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.

The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.

Yours sincerely,

The Chairman

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PSV boss rues ‘mean’ Clásico

Catalan flag donkey
Donkey punch: Barcelona suffered title hopes blow

JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.

The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.

The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium

“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.

“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.

“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”

Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.

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PSV Mornington (second window)

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D MUN £16m
Ferdinand, A QPR £7m
Cuellar, C AVL £2m
Brown, W SUN £6m
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £28m
Murphy, D FUL £12m
Ben Arfa, H NEW £0.5m
Song, A ARS £3m
Defoe, J TOT £12m
Carroll, A LIV £6m
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Just Put Carles (second window)

Just Put Carles made no transfers in the first or second window

Manager: Mr Carles Duz (CAT)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona, Fulham

Cech, P CHE £20m
Wilson, M STO £0.5m
Ward, S WLV £0.5m
Robinson, P BOL £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £0.5m
Gerrard, S LIV £26.5m
Silva, D MCY £22m
Coleman, S EVE £2.5m
Anderson MUN £0.5m
Zamora, B QPR £15.5m
Chamakh, M ARS £1.5m
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