A LATINO will not take the vacant manager position at Barcelona because of their miserable Kenna League form, the Camp Nou has confirmed.
Luis Enrique’s announcement he will vacate the Barca position at the end of the season prompted club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to play down rumours another Iberian could get the job.
“You look at how a Catalan is performing this season at the highest level of the game and he’s 300 points adrift at the bottom of the Kenna. The chorizo is mouldy,” said Bartomeu referring to the manager of Just Put Carles.
Outlook (on 4 September): The Just Put Carles boss is one of a trio of Catalans in the Kenna who not in their wildest childhood dreams could have imagined emigration to the UK would end in competing at the game’s highest level. Overcoming his birth in the relative football backwater of the Costa Brava, last season the JPC boss became the Kenna’s most successful foreign manager in the league’s history by finishing in fifth position. Achievement earned the curiosity of his girlfriend, who attended last month’s auction to see for herself just what all the fuss was about. No doubt she was made to regret her decision when the new auction wildcards were unveiled.
Unlike his fellow conquistadores, the JPC manager chose to avoid the tactic of just signing Hispanic players. While Rapids de Cullons CF have five and PSV Mornington have seven, JPC boasts just Angel Rangel – an established starter who will play in defence alongside Guy Demel, Andy Wilkinson and Chris Smalling, in front of goalkeeper Tim Howard. Fernandinho, Dembele, Kacaniklic and Henderson all appear to be getting game time this campaign. Only Ba and Sanogo up front look like bench warmers.
Crucially, the manager takes £13m into the first transfer window in October, making JPC the fourth richest club in the league.
Outlook: Retained the majestic services of David Silva for £10m than last season, but the manager only bought four more players at auction before leaving faster than an Alex Santos commute once he discovered his choice of wardrobe would mean buying the committee a round. Filled by Kenna HQ using the accepted procedure, the team now contains former Still Don’t Know Yet defender James Collins.
We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).
We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.
When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.
At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.
Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.
The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.
“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.
“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.
“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”
Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.