Battle for the Kenna

BBC Breaking News
Genuine threat: Kenna HQ has survived a potential uprising, for now

“We turn now to events in the Kenna League where a cabal of managers has threatened to overthrow the established power of the league. Our political editor Nick Robinson is outside Kenna HQ.”

“Thanks, Hugh. As you can see I’m standing outside Kenna HQ, the epicentre of events today where an attempted coup d’etat was made on the league leadership of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football competition.

“From the outside it just looks like a building on a normal London street, but inside the wheels of administration are just about still turning after a small group of managers led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall boss moved for a vote of no confidence in the league chairman.

“It’s understood that discontent has been bubbling away under the surface of the Kenna for some time.

“Critics of the chairman say his rule over the league has become ever more authoritarian in recent months.

“They say that while in appearance the Kenna governing body has maintained the bureaucracy that so frustrates managers trying to get a reprieve from the Titus Bramble forfeit process, the chairman has been stripping back the checks and balances of the apparatus and placing more and more power in the notoriously ruthless manager experiences department.

“On the face of it, this shadowy arm of the Kenna is responsible for ensuring the smooth running of the league, but stories of abductions, beatings, blackmail and even torture are all too commonplace.

“It is thought the department is increasingly bypassing league rules and regulations to ensure swift actions against malcontents, on orders thought to come straight from the chairman’s office.

“In particular, the department’s archive of compromising social media photos of managers has become a tool of terror.

“Today’s attempted coup was sparked by disillusionment amongst a small group of managers unhappy at those who did not attend the pre-season auction in August, or to be more specific at their remaining budgets ahead of next month’s first transfer window.

“Here’s the statement released by the Young Boys manager today, which explains the origins of the conflict:

With the first transfer window nearly upon is quite clear that mangers who did not attend the first auction will have a distinct advantage with a much larger transfer budget, whilst those who did attend will be punished for turning up, getting drunk and making ludicrous bids on average players (which is basically the point of the Kenna) adding to the feeling of growing disillusionment of the hard working mangers towards Kenna HQ. Furthermore, the problem has been exacerbated by the ever increasing authoritarian Kenna HQ’s decision not to return the full amount paid for a player when they are released for transfer. This is just another example of Kenna HQ becoming more and more removed from the needs of the normal, everyday, Kenna manager.

“How did the league respond? Well, earlier this afternoon the chairman did address members of the press outside Kenna HQ.

“He dismissed the Young Boys manager and ‘his pernicious little band conspirators and Charlie Chesters’ as troublemakers. He assured the media he was in full control of the league and that this was ‘yet another pathetic attempt by the Young Boys manager to wrest power’. He pointed out that under ‘the gentle teasing of my firm hand the league has grown to become a towering feature of the fantasy football landscape’.

“The chairman then went on to utterly dismiss any notion that he had lost touch with the everyday Kenna manager. He pointedly said, and I quote ‘we are dealing with the issue of remaining budgets. This is complicated, sports administration and far too complex to go into here. We’ll sort it out and send our resolution to Ceefax for distribution’, although he made no indication of how the issue would be addressed.

“Of course, there is another angle here. It is widely known in the Kenna that the Young Boys manager has been obsessed with taking power at Kenna HQ for some time and maintains that his origins as a Welshman are keeping him from the chair. Most moderates consider the issue of remaining transfer budgets a smokescreen for the Young Boys manager’s true ambitions.

“With only four weeks to go until the transfer window, the bout looks far from over, but after this round the chairman still has the upper hand.

“This Nick Robinson, for BBC News, outside Kenna HQ. Back to you in the studio, Hugh.”

“Thank you, Nick.

“And finally, as the serious business of the Kenna League is played out, one manager is taking an alternative view of the matter. We now join BBC News reporter Alice Bandherkravi in south London.”

“Thank you, Hugh. I’m here in Wandsworth where Kenna League member the Still Don’t Know Yet manager has barricaded himself in his flat.

“It appears that when he heard news of the attempted boardroom rebellion he took it to mean a full-scale civil one.

“Neighbours have reported seeing the Teesider dressed in a tinfoil hat roaming around the premises claiming that, and I quote, ‘as a temporary measure during this time of unrest my side are now top of the Kenna’.

“Of course, he’s currently mid table and even the non-football fan could tell you that he’s not going to get much higher than that.

“Police were attending the scene, but have since stood down when it was decided the manager remained intent on locking himself in his house and occasionally shouting ‘Stay in your homes. Do not panic’ from a first floor window.

“This is Alice Bandherkravi, for BBC News, outside a deranged Northerner’s house. Back to you, Hugh.”

Kenna table – full scores available from The Rub

Kenna table - 23 September 2014 (week 5)
Kenna table – 23 September 2014 (week 5)

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 36 3
2 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 31 2
3 Pikey Scum Jack 29 1
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 1
5 Fat Ladies Ted 23 0
6 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 1
7 Young Boys Denney 21 1
8 Piedmonte Phil 21 0
9 St Reatham FC Mike 20 1
10 FC Tescticuladew James N 19 2
11 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 0
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 1
14 Judean People’s Front Sholto 16 0
15 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 14 0
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 12 1
17 Team Panda Rules OK George 11 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 9 0
19 KS West Green Stix 9 0
20 Just Put Carles Carles 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Vardy, J – LEI – STR
Club Unsigned
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Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article
Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked  by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012
Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 36 3
2 Piedmonte Phil 29 4
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 29 3
4 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 29 2
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 27 2
6 Woking Mike 27 0
7 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
8 FC Testicluadew James N 25 0
9 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 25 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 24 0
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 23 0
13 Just put Carles Carles 22 0
14 Bala Rinas Lewis 16 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Headless Chickens John N 15 0
17 Newington Reds Dudley 15 0
18 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 15 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 14 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Lambert, R – SOT – STR
Club Piedmonte
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Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
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