Lokomotiv steam into 2012

Assault weapon: Titus Bramble

The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.

The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.

However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.

“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.

Meanwhile, Judean Peoples’ Front defender Titus Bramble faces a third $exual assault charge.

“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”

Weekly scores - 5 January 2012
Weekly scores - 5 January 2012
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Quick guide to transfer night

"Dempsey, go big on Dempsey!"

The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.

Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.

Here are the key points:

Submitting transfers

A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman  (either personally or through kennaleague@gmail.com) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.

Forced transfer submissions

If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).

Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.


The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.

Available players

The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.

Transfer night auction

Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings

Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.

Bramble ruling

Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.


Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.

Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).

Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.


Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.



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Bikini bottom

Hairy Fadjeetas

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.

Week 8's total scores
Week 8's total scores
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Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B) NOR £0.5m
Johnson, G LIV £13m
Gallas, W TOT £10m
Bramble, T SUN £1m
Berra, C (B) WLV £0.5m
Taarabt, A QPR £11.5m
Duff, D FUL £8m
Valencia, A MUN £7m
Ramires CHE £9.5m
van Persie, R ARS £38.5m
Heskey, E (B) AVL £0.5m
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