Tag: buffet

Gone in 60 seconds

Empty buffet
Blink and it’s over: Last night’s buffet does an excellent impression of the JPC boss

POLICE have stepped up their search for the Just Put Carles manager who went missing during last night’s auction.

Discovered to be wearing an official London 2012 T-shirt, and hence being liable to buy the committee a round of drinks, the JPC boss was last seen receding faster than Usain Bolt’s hairline.

The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.

Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.

It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.

“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.

There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.

“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Teams will be published here over the coming week.

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The Chairman’s auction night top tips

Chairman with Averna
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”

WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.

Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.

In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.

“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.

The Chairman’s top tips

Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.

Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.

Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.

Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.

Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.

Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.

A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.

Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.

A few other items of note:

  • Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
  • Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
  • Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
  • No Batman suits.
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