Tag: bush

The big mid-season review

Bush review
“It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”

  • Manager of the month awards

  • Player of the week tallies

  • Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.

This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.

A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.

So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.

Manager of the Month awards

FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.

Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.

After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong

Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.

And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.

MOTM - August to January
Managers and turkeys

As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.

Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.

As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.

Player of week tallies

Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?

Answer: Literally, none of them.

Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.

Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:

“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…..”

Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.

Performance guide August - January
Compare overall month-by-month performance with other clubs
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Quick guide to transfer night

"Dempsey, go big on Dempsey!"

The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.

Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.

Here are the key points:

Submitting transfers

A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman  (either personally or through [email protected]) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.

Forced transfer submissions

If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).

Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.

Budget

The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.

Available players

The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.

Transfer night auction

Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings

Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.

Bramble ruling

Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.

Attendance

Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.

Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).

Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.

 

Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.

 

 

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