christmas – The Jeff Kenna League

Tactical Brambler moves top

IT was only a matter of time before the Kenna’s own pussy-stroking villain went top of the league.

Having hovered around the top four for the first half of the season, FC Testiculadew saw Tom Heaton, Kyle Walker, Christian Fuchs, Alex Iwobi and Eden Hazard score in the teens in a bumper week over New Year and Zlatan rack up 25 points.

Known as the Tactical Brambler for his ruthless interpretation of league rules, the FCT manager was also in the winning tag team of the inaugural Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup.

“Pathetic earthlings!” Ming the Mercilessed the Tactical Brambler to journalists outside the club’s Death Star training facility.

“Hurling your fantasy football teams out into the void, without the slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you had known anything about the true nature of the Kenna League, anything at all, you would’ve hidden from it in terror.”

But there was unwelcome turn of events for the FCT manager.

This evening Kenna HQ issued details of the Christmas Cup prize and confirmed only the weaker half of the winning tag team – in this case mid-table Walthamstow Reds – would gain free entry to next season’s Kenna League.

Reds face Christmas Cup tag team partner FCT in Narcozep Cup group A this weekend, which is now being touted as a grudge tie.

Ironically, the dip in form in the last month that saw Islington Sports Islam & Leisure fall from first to third place is the only Christmas catastrophe to which ISIL have not laid claim.

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 1) Testicureds 431 (FC Testiculadew 260 / Walthamstow Reds 171)

2. (was 4) Leeds Burqini 404 (Lokomotiv Leeds 172/ Burqini Pool Party 232)

3. (was 3) Lesbian Panda 403 (Sporting Lesbian 226 / Team Panda 177)

4. (was 2) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 373 (Thieving Magpies 215/ So Good They Named Him Twice 158)

5. (was 5) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 367 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 230/ Adam Johnson Fan Club 137)

6. (was 6) Charlton Towers 357 (Sleptember XI 232/ Dynamo Charlton 125)

7. (was 10) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 311 (Cowley Casuals 179/ Judean Peoples’ Front 132)

8. (was 9) Bala Monkeys 287 (Bala Rinas 146/ Northern Monkeys 141)

9. (was 11) Two Pegs One Hook 271 (ISIL 171/ Two Goals One Cup 100)

10. (was 7) Pikey Network Failure 181 (Pikey Scum 98 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 83)

11. (was 8) Just Piss Poor 178 (Piss Poor 111 / Just Put Carles 67)

Kenna table – week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

Narcozep Cup fixtures

10-Jan-17	Walthamstow Reds	FC Testiculadew
10-Jan-17	ISIL	Lokomotiv Leeds
10-Jan-17	Northern Monkeys	Sleptember XI
10-Jan-17	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Thieving Magpies
10-Jan-17	Team Panda	Burqini Pool Party
10-Jan-17	Piss Poor	Bala Rinas
10-Jan-17	Just put charlie	So Good They Named Him Twice
10-Jan-17	Cowley Casuals	Dynamo Charlton
10-Jan-17	Young Boys	Pikey Scum
10-Jan-17	Adam Johnson Fan Club	Two Goals One Cup

PSV Mornington sack manager

Pons elf — Close to the sack: The PSV Mornington manager on Saturday

PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.

A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.

Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.

A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.

“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”

The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.

He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.

The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.

Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.

The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.

Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

Worst Christmas ever

The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.

17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points

14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)

16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)

19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)

18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)

13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)

17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)

14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	48	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	39	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	38	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	35	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	31	0
8	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
13	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	21	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
16	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	2
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	0
18	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	13	1
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	St. Reatham FC	Mike	13	1
22	Pikey Scum	Jack	11	0
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

A Christmas Carroll

A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.

“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.

The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.

“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”

“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.

“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”

The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.

“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.

“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.

“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.

After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”

The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.

“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”

The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.

“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.

“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”

The striker grinned: “Andy did a hole!”

League table

Week 17 - 25 December 2012 — Week 17 – 25 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	41	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	2
6	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	3
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	28	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
10	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	25	2
11	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	14	1
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	14	0
19	Woking	Mike	12	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	Gerrard, S – LIV – MID
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Magpies manager admits he can’t go out locally

A thieving magpie — One for sorrow: Thieving Magpies have been bottom of the league for weeks

The Thieving Magpies manager has admitted that he can no longer go out in the local area because of the fear of meeting some of the club’s disgruntled fans.

With ‘Pies currently sitting bottom of the Kenna and facing the prospect of making more signings like Gabriel Obertan in the transfer window, supporters have vented their anger at the manager for most of the season.

Despite showing loyalty to the club since the Kenna began in 2005, the ‘Pies boss admitted that possible clashes with angry supporters has kept him from going out socially around the outfit’s Tin Foil Street ground.

“It’s sad really,” said the ‘Pies gaffer. “I live in the area but I don’t go out there because I can’t. You just never know who you might run into. I hope the situation changes and over Christmas it did feel like things were improving.

“I don’t go anywhere feeling any fear but, unfortunately, you never know where a flashpoint might occur,” he told Jeff All News.

Balotelli fires up Polonia boss

Fireworks — Pocket rocket: Balotelli produced the goods

Polonia Forsyth has always been a team associated with grinding, but this week they finally ground into action.

Overwhelmed by the flair of Mario Balotelli, the Polonia manager was figuratively lit up like a Christmas tree in Sunday’s post-match interview.

“There’s always fireworks when Mario’s around,” she sighed. “He’s got a short fuse but really rose to the occasion. He can set fire to my towels any day.”

There was further welcome news for the Polonia boss this week, who decision to rest her star defender Vidic after his comeback from injury spared him a six-goal drubbing.

The club jettisoned deadwood Fabianski and Essien in the transfer window.

Rodallega also left the club, but was snapped up by third-placed Newington Reds.

Kenna HQ will publish updated transfer window team sheets this week.

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