Vasco confirmed as Kenna’s most glorious

Vasco da Gama cigars
Cigar?: Vasco’s two Kenna championships and two Canesten Combi Cups make them the most successful team ever to compete in the league

THE FORMER manager of Vasco De Beauvoir has been announced as the best ever to compete in the Kenna League.

Despite getting sacked in two months ago after leading the side to relegation for the first time in an eight-year career, the Vasco manager tops the charts through winning two league titles and two Canesten Combi Cups since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

The Worcestershire man also holds 11 Manager of the Month (MOTM) awards, the league record.

The Young Boys, FC Testiculadew and Dynamo Temple managers – all with one league championship and one cup apiece – will be mindful that they could take top spot in the all time stats if they scoop the double in the upcoming season.

Mr Terry's Ice Cream
Yes, you can retrain: The Dan Terry Seduction manager took a vocational route out of the Kenna

Kenna managers past and present with at least two campaigns’ experience were ranked against each other on leagues won, cups won, podium finishes and MOTM awards.

The veteran managers of Piedmonte and Newington Reds, the only others apart from the Vasco gaffer to compete in all eight Kenna seasons, find themselves down the rankings with just two podium finishes each and no silverware.

The Dan Terry Seduction manager is statistically the worst manager ever to have entered the Kenna, with three Turkey of the Month wooden spoons and a relegation. He left the league two seasons ago to apply his particular talents with more success elsewhere.

The Devils boss, who led the club between 2006 and 2010, is the highest ranked female manager with one podium finish. A condescending and cringe-worthy corporate awards ceremony involving flowers and chocolates awaits.

The former Vasco manager, who is also the Kenna League chairman, said: “To be fair, if I hadn’t always had a feeling that two championships and two cups meant I was the best ever Kenna manager, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time working out the damn stats to prove it.”

Rumours abound as to which team the chairman will manage in the new term. Westgreenspor, Eintracht Mind, Getoverit 96 and Total Network Failure have all be linked to the former Vasco boss.

The publication of ‘Jeff’s hall of fame’ comes 25 days before the ninth annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in a London pub to buy their teams in preparation for the Premier League season.

Jeff's Hall of Fame - 2005 to 2013
Jeff’s Hall of Fame – 2005 to 2013
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Heads roll in the drop zone

Cigar cutter
Gruesome end: While those at the top of the Kenna reach for the cigars, the bottom three managers face the chop (photo courtesy of double gauss)

AS THE SPORTING Lesbian manager bathes in the success of winning the Kenna title on his debut, time has run out at the other end of the league.

Vasco De Beauvoir, victors of the inaugural Kenna league in 2005 and double winners in 2010, rounded off a dismal season to be relegated after eight years in the top flight.

The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.

Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.

Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”

Licked

In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.

No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.

But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.

The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.

Crime spree

The Woking manager is still AWOL, and has been since the mysterious death of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer on Chobam Common.

Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.

A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.

The search continues.

Big do

Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.

The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”

Final league table

Week 38 - 21 May 2013
Week 38 – 21 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 47 6
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 43 1
3 Just put Carles Carles 40 2
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 37 1
5 Piedmonte Phil 35 1
6 Headless Chickens John N 34 3
7 PSV Mornington El Pons 34 1
8 Woking Mike 32 3
9 Dynamo Charlton Alex 32 0
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 31 2
11 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 30 1
12 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 30 0
13 Pikey Scum Jack 26 2
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 26 2
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 25 2
16 FC Testicluadew James N 24 1
17 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 24 0
18 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 23 1
19 Greendale Rockets Stu 20 1
20 Newington Reds Dudley 8 0
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No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime
Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu                                                      Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013
Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 39 3
2 Just put Carles Carles 34 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 32 2
4 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 31 1
5 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
7 Piedmonte Phil 26 1
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 25 2
9 Woking Mike 23 0
10 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 20 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 20 0
13 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 20 0
14 Newington Reds Dudley 19 0
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 17 1
16 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
18 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 12 0
19 Headless Chickens John N 10 0
20 Greendale Rockets Stu 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 11 Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
Club Unsigned
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Harry takes the Wii

Nintendo Wii
Taking the Wii: Kenna managers have accused Harry Redknapp of using punditry appearances as a shop window

A COLLECTIVE sigh of relief was heard on Friday in the vicinity of the relegation zone as Harry Redknapp took a new job.

The Bala Rinas, Woking and Vasco De Beauvoir managers were finding the maverick cockney’s ever-increasing punditry appearances uncomfortable viewing as he hinted at his future with every piece of analysis.

After seeing highlights of another awful performance from the last-placed club, Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker came straight out with it a week last Saturday, asking Redknapp if he fancied the job.

“As a recognised specialist of taking the reins of a struggling club just before the January transfer window and turning their fortunes around with a few chance signings that will financially drive them into the ground a couple of years after I’ve left, it would be inappropriate of me to comment on whether I’d take the job,” said Redknapp as a text from the Bala Rinas board with details of possible bonus payments for avoiding relegation silently buzzed in his jacket pocket.

“I happened to be in the De Beauvoir area this week, just driving around,” continued a deadpan Redknapp. “A TV reporter stopped me outside the ground and I did a quick interview through the car window like.

“He asked me if I’d seen the team’s latest defeat on the Roger Mellie, but I had to confess I hadn’t. I don’t get much chance to watch football because the daughter-in-law’s always round on the Nintendo Wii.

“Anyway, I’d rather watch her playing Just Dance 4 than this bunch of muppets.”

Canesten Combi Cup – latest scores

Ten matches have already been played in this week’s Cup group stage bumper fixture list. With another 10 to go only Headless Chickens have a clear advantage, although how their manager must rue selling Theo Walcott in the transfer window.

Cup scores latest - 28 November 2012
Cup scores latest – 28 November 2012

League table

Week 13 - 27 November 2012
Week 13 – 27 November 2012

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Greendale Rockets Stu 40 1
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 37 0
3 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 34 2
4 Headless Chickens John N 33 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 31 2
6 FC Testicluadew James N 31 1
7 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 1
8 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 25 0
10 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 23 2
11 Woking Mike 22 1
12 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
13 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 21 0
14 Pikey Scum Jack 19 0
15 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 19 0
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 16 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 15 0
18 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 14 0
19 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 14 0
20 Northern Monkeys Hugo 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Gomez, J – WIG – MID
Club Unsigned
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Make Party

Manager: Stix

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: Vasco De Beauvoir

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: Winner (out of 15)
  • John Jensen 2008 Euros: 5th (out of eight)
  • Claudio Caniggia 2006 World Cup: Last (out of eight)

4-4-2

(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling)

Akinfeev, I Russia £8.5m
Boateng, J Germany £0.5m
Corluka, V Croatia £1.5m
Wasilewski, M Poland £0.5m
Réveillère, A France £0.5m
Nani Portugal £15m
Downing, S (TB) England £0.5m
Maggio, C Italy £15m
Sneijder, W Holland £30m
Keane, R Rep of Ireland £5m
Shevchenko, A Ukraine £5m
Total £82m
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Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

George Bush gets down
“No, no, no, that’s wrong. This is how you ask for marajuana in Coldharbour Lane.”

LIKE KING Kenny’s chances of being down with the kids of Brixton, the season is well and truly over.

To complement January’s big mid-season review, the Kenna has added the second half’s performance chart to the mix (below).

Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.

FCT’s response was emphatic.

Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.

Having lost Yaya Touré to the battlefields of Africa, Lokomotiv’s form nosedived in January and February, leaving FCT to sail over the line.

Meanwhile at the other end, Polonia Forsyth didn’t exceed average performance for the entire season.

Lurliners, Vasco De Beauvoir and the Dan Terry Seduction almost joined them.

So what does the aristocrat of Match of the Day punditry make of all this?

“Pace. Power. Determination. FC Testiculadew have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…”

We’re sure Alan will be back to provide some more insightful analysis in the near future.

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart 2011-12
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart 2011-12
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FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger
Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012
Weekly scores – 15 May 2012
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King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII
King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”

Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
Weekly scores - 15 February 2012
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Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Final group standings
Final group standings

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January
Cup results – 24 January
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Sneijder reveals Vasco talks

Wesley Sneijder has admitted that he thought he was going to join Vasco De Beauvoir, but insisted finances were not the reason is did not happen.

The saga over the Dutch international’s future lasted for the whole transfer window, with Vasco, Manchester City and Chelsea all linked.

But it was always Vasco who were thought to be leading the chase, and Sneijder admits he thought he was Shoreditch Park stadium-bound.

“I just felt that it was close, yes [I thought I was going],” Sneijder, currently with the Dutch squad on international duty, told AD.

“We had several talks, the situation was such that Inter had to sell a player, Eto’o or me, and indeed there was interest.

“They [Vasco De Beauvoir] are one of the biggest clubs in the world, so it did not seem a bad thing – but at the same time I do not want to leave Inter.

“Italy is great for me, and I cannot exclude that they [Vasco] got that feeling, for me a move was not an absolute must and there were a few things which meant it did not happen.”

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