Transfer deadline day – just four hours left

Toilet paper
Puncheon one off: Jason went for a sh1t

LORRY LOADS of toilet paper being delivered to Vasco De Beauvoir‘s Shoreditch Park ground as the manager attempts to lure Jason Puncheon to the club.

Demba Ba and Juan Mata battling it out in an arroz con leche eating contest as they try to secure their future at PSV Mornington by impressing ‘El Jefe’.

Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.

The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”

These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.

Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).

Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?

Strikers

Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)

Gouffran (NEW)
Remy (QPR)
Wellington Paulista (WHM)

Midfield

De Guzman (SWA, 81)
Jason ‘I went for a sh1t’ Puncheon (SOT, 72)
Craig Gardner (SUN, 66)
Beausejour (WIG, 60)
Macanuff (REA, 57)

Coutinho (LIV)
Sissoko (NEW)
Chris David (FUL)
Holtby (TOT)

Defenders

Bassong (NOR, 72)
O’brien (WHM, 68)
Geoff Cameron (STO, 65)
Clichy (MCY, 63)
Azpilicueta (CHE, 60)

Yanga-Mbiwa (NEW)
Haidara (NEW)
Forren (SOT)
Ben Haim (QPR)
Debuchy (NEW)
Emmanuel Pogatetz (WHM)

Cup results

Greendale Rockets 2 1 Dynamo Charlton
Woking 1 0 Still Don’t Know Yet
Vasco De Beauvoir 1 2 Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys 1 0 Judean Peoples’ Front
Sporting Lesbian 1 1 Newington Reds
FC Testicluadew 1 0 Spartak Mogadishu
Just put Carles 0 0 Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds 4 1 Piedmonte

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – final tables

Final tables - cup groups
Final tables – cup groups

League table

Week 22 - 29 January 2013
Week 22 – 29 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 4
2 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 32 1
3 Greendale Rockets Stu 29 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 26 2
5 FC Testicluadew James N 26 1
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 26 1
7 Headless Chickens John N 25 2
8 Pikey Scum Jack 20 2
9 Woking Mike 18 1
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 17 0
11 Newington Reds Dudley 16 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 16 1
13 Piedmonte Phil 15 1
14 Dynamo Charlton Alex 13 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 0
16 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 11 0
17 Just put Carles Carles 10 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 8 0
19 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 6 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 3 0
Points Player
Player of the week 26 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax
Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

  • The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
  • The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team Gaps Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir Five £73.5m
Woking Seven £60m
Bala Rinas Five £52.5m
FC Testiculadew Four £51m
Pikey Scum Four £51.5m
PSV Mornington Seven £45m
Headless Chickens Four £44m
Northern Monkeys Two £40m
Dynamo Charlton Three £38m
Still Don’t Know Yet Two £36m
Hairy Fadjeetas Two £36.5m
Greendale Rockets Four £31m
Spartak Mogadishu Three £28.5m
Newington Reds Four £26m
Sporting Lesbian Three £26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers Two £25.5m
Piedmonte Four £25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Four £16m
Judean Peoples’ Front Four £19m
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Transfer deadline day – just four hours left!

The window
Peeping through the window

Jermaine Defoe and Louis Saha playing paper, scissors, stone to see who’ll stay at PSV Mornington.

Vedran Corluka’s personal belongings being thrown out of a first-floor, terraced-house window by a teary-eyed Polonia Forsyth boss.

Andrey Asharvin in a cravat and smoking jacket telling the Hairy Fadjeetas gaffer “I go Mother Russia where make small tax and cheap car insurance”.

Just some of the footage we’d like to bring you today ahead of 12pm’s transfer submission deadline.

Instead, it’s the picture of the half-dressed girl with the developed quad again.

And Jim White making a rac1st slip of the tongue on live television.

“If you want to do business on Friday night send in your unwanted players by 12pm, otherwise you won’t be doing any business on Friday night,” said the Chairman while mixing cement in a disused warehouse.

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Wednesday deadline for transfer submissions

The window
Peeping through the window

Managers have until 12pm on Wednesday (1 February) to submit their unwanted players.

Submissions can be made directly to the Chairman or by emailing kennaleague@gmail.com.

Bidding will begin for available players next Friday at the second, and final, transfer night this season at 7.30pm.

The rules remain the same as for the first transfer night.

“This is the first ever Kenna event on a Friday and we’re excited,” said the Chairman, before dismissing claims that television scheduling had forced the administration’s hand.

“I must remind you that any manager found re-signing someone who has previously played for them this season will incur the Titus Bramble ruling. We look forward to finding someone who didn’t read this far.”

A clutch of top-scoring available players can be found below.

Strikers

S Morison (Budgies) – 93
The Yak (Yakburn) – 90
Danny Graham (Swans) – 87
Holt (Budgies) – 78
Helguson (QPR) – 77

Midfielders

Richardson (Mackems) – 62
Ryan Taylor (Toon) – 62
J Allen (Swans) – 54
Formica (Blackburn) – 52
Jordi Gomez (Wigan) – 51

Defenders

Heitinga (Everton) – 49
Bardsley (Mackems) – 44
Hibbert (Everton) – 43
Senderos (Fulham) – 43
McAuley (WBA) – 43

Goalkeepers

Lindegaard (Man U) – 39

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