Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball
Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013
Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 42 3
2 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 41 2
3 Dynamo Charlton Alex 38 2
4 Newington Reds Dudley 35 3
5 FC Testicluadew James N 35 2
6 Headless Chickens John N 35 2
7 Piedmonte Phil 31 2
8 Woking Mike 31 1
9 Northern Monkeys Hugo 27 1
10 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 25 1
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 24 0
12 Just put Carles Carles 23 1
13 Greendale Rockets Stu 22 0
14 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 21 3
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 21 1
16 PSV Mornington El Pons 21 0
17 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
18 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
19 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 16 1
20 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 16 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
Club Newington Reds
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Nothing to celebrate

Party popper
Step away from the party the popper: Celebrating goals is so 2012

A GARETH BALE goal was not enough to keep Bala Rinas from being dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Four hapless group game defeats left the side without a point, and with his team also struggling in the league the manager, yet to win a trophy in six years in Kenna, is under increasing pressure.

“People are saying that I’ve got no silverware, I can’t bring success to the club and I’ll never know the difference between riding the normal team coach and riding an open-top bus, but of course I knows the difference – one’s got a fcuking roof and one fcuking ‘asn’t,” sing songed the Welshman.

Bala Rinas weren’t the only ones not celebrating this week. Footballers are fashionable creatures, and a new craze has swept through the Kenna: not celebrating goals.

Cup results - 8 January 2013
Cup results – 8 January 2013

In Group D, Daniel Sturridge found the net to help Just Put Carles to their first cup win and a chance at the next round, but ‘out of respect’ the England striker did not cheer after scoring against his former club Lokomotiv Leeds.

Emmanuel Adebayor scored against Pikey Scum to give Newington Reds a vital lifeline in Group C, but the Togolese had moved to Reds from Scum in the October transfer window and refused to acknowledge the notch, even though he continues to don leisurewear from another former club.

In the other Group C match there were remarkable scenes at FC Testiculadew’s ground, the Death Star, where no players celebrated any of the eight goals in Sporting Lesbian’s 7-1 destruction of the hosts.

Hairy Fadjeetas, on the end of five-goal thrashing by Headless Chickens, were the only side to have the decency to avoid any awkward embarrassment by not scoring any goals at all.

The final cup game will be played on 29 January, where the top four from each group will go through to the last 16 knockout draw.

Teams below in yellow have already qualified, teams in red are out.

Group A - 8 January 2013
Group A – 8 January 2013
Group B - 8 January 2013
Group B – 8 January 2013
Group C - 8 January 2013
Group C – 8 January 2013
Group D - 8 January 2013
Group D – 8 January 2013

League table

Week 19 - 8 January 2013
Week 19 – 8 January 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 66 7
2 Just put Carles Carles 54 4
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 54 1
4 Dynamo Charlton Alex 51 4
5 Headless Chickens John N 50 5
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 49 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 48 2
8 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 46 1
9 PSV Mornington El Pons 45 3
10 Greendale Rockets Stu 42 1
11 Woking Mike 40 3
12 FC Testicluadew James N 40 1
13 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
14 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 38 0
15 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 37 3
16 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 36 1
17 Newington Reds Dudley 35 1
18 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 33 1
19 Pikey Scum Jack 33 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 29 1
Points Player
Player of the week 21 Suarez, L – LIV – STR
Club Sporting Lesbian
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Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Jones, P MUN £12m
Huth, R STO £5m
Cahill, G CHE £7.5m
Boyce, E WIG £0.5m
Allen, J LIV £10m
Walcott, T ARS £15m
Granero, E APR £0.5m
Brunt, C WBA £4m
Anichebe, V EVE £5m
Fletcher, S SUN £30m
 Total £99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m Allen, J LIV £10m
El Ahmadi, K AVL £3m Granero, E QPR £0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P REA £8.5m Anichebe, V EVE £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
de Gea, D MUN £19m Vorm, M SWA £9.5m
Sagna, B ARS £11m Jones, P MUN £12m
Bale, G TOT £30m De Ridder, S (B) SOT £15m
Downing, S LIV £8m Walcott, T ARS £15m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m Fletcher, S SUN £30m
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Pikey Scum (second window)

Manager: Mr Jack Bowley

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point

Sympathies: Spurs

Sorensen, T STO £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £18.5m
Johnson, G LIV £0.5m
Richards, M MCY £8.5m
Bassong, S WLV £0.5m
Drenthe, R EVE £1m
Gutierrez, J NEW £2.5m
Eagles, C BOL £1.5m
Meireles, R CHE £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £43m
Cisse, D QPR £13m
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