Chairman to pick up auction speed

Toothpicks
Picks: Chairman will have a confidential list of 200 players

THE CHAIRMAN is to pick players to be introduced to auction if managers are too slow.

Under new rules managers must immediately introduce a player or be overridden by a ‘Chairman’s pick’.

The change has been designed to speed up the team-buying process after significant gaps were left in starting line ups at May’s Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

“To put it politely, as league membership has swelled, it’s become increasingly difficult to get all business completed in a timely manner. To be blunt, we’re tired of waiting for half-cut managers to make up their mind about who to introduce,” said the Chairman, putting on his ‘we’re waiting for you‘ face.

A confidential list of 200 players will be compiled by the Chairman before the auction.

Managers will have the choice of picking a player themselves, or leaving it to the Chairman.

A Chairman’s pick will not trigger the Titus Bramble ruling for any managers, unless they make an illegal bid.

In other news, the Kenna has written a strongly-worded email to the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games after no mention of the league was made in any of London 2012’s pageantry.

“It appeared to us that any Tom, Dick or Harry could carry the torch, so with our tireless work in English sport and promoting London pubs (for not a penny of remuneration, nonetheless) we must have been a dead cert for the opening ceremony.  The call never came.

“You make yourselves out to be this inclusive, public-spirited organisation, but in actual fact you’ve got absolutely no cultural sensitivities. Just look at the Korean flag mix up: you made a real dog’s dinner of that,” read a rambling extract.

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Confessions of a tactical Brambler

Lego horse
Cavalier attitude: Bramblers, both tactical and accidental, are to face much stiffer penalties

IN THAT brief period of English sport when there’s no proper football, it’s too wet for cricket and the only diversion is the mind-blowing sight of a man raised in Kilburn wearing the yellow jersey with six days to go, rumours abound.

For Kenna managers eagerly awaiting next month’s auction ahead of the Premier League opening on 18 August, tittle tattle is at fever pitch as to how the administration will tighten up rules in the wake of May’s illegal bidding scandal.

Now the man responsible for Tactical Brambling, the practice of bidding for a player to deliberately incur a forfeit and free up funds, gives his dark insight into what happened that fateful evening in late spring – the time when the rain began.

Despite being dealt a hefty penalty, the Testiculadewland manager finished second in the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012.

But retribution works in mysterious ways: if he’d had kept Franck Ribery instead of Karim Benzema he’d have been the champion.

Sitting in his murky office, sinister music playing in the background, the Testiculadewland manager recounted his frame of mind:

“When Benzema first came up my  first thoughts were: ‘I’ll go for him’.

“Slightly later I realised that I had Ribery. I then thought: ‘Sod it, I wanted Benzema from the start and I want a good strike force. I can still have three good midfielders and the Bramble for losing Ribery’, as I saw it in my tipsy state.

“It was a gamble on my behalf, one in hindsight I don’t think really paid off. And Benzema only became available because of an earlier Bramble by someone else.

“I think tactical Brambling could pay off if done very carefully, but would only pay off the first time and if a manager was to repeatedly do it their team would very soon suffer.

“I think there’s an argument to be had to allow it as part of the game. It certainly makes the mid part of the auction more interesting and because your team is affected every time, your team exponentially becomes worse the more you do it, and there are already rules in place to deter it.

“I didn’t set out to tactical Bramble. It happened on the spur of the moment. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t set out with it as part of my auction game plan, but if half way along things aren’t going well, its a rash gamble that could be played.

“Wracked with guilt I’ve tried to think of a way of stopping it, or a way you can distinguish between tactical Brambling and old-fashioned honest stupidity Brambling, but can’t think of anything as practical or fun as allowing it.”

If, as early reports suggest, there are to be stiffer penalties to the Titus Bramble ruling being announced later this week, the Testiculadewland manager’s cavalier approach will be frustrated.

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Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction night – in pictures

Auction long shot

IN MAY this year 14 intrepid souls gathered in a south London pub ahead of Euro 2012 to take part in a fantasy football auction.

With a budget of £100m, each manager had to buy 11 internationals who they thought would perform the best over three weeks in Poland and Ukraine.

The manager of the team with the most points at the end would claim the prestigious Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup, collecting a cash prize and the coveted, replica, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

A bid flies in

The Chairman leads proceedings

Over four hours, exclusively broadcast live on Twitter, participants had to pick their team in a 4-4-2 formation which could not contain more than one player from each country.

Failure to adhere to these rules would lead to the dreaded Titus Bramble ruling – the illegal player is removed and replaced with a forfeit player.

Olisadebe auction

The Chairman and Horn of Africa manager

Managers had to overcome the added challenge of  British round culture. The Albert Arms enjoyed a brisk trade.

"Emmanuel!"

"Emmanuel!"

The auction became the most controversial in eight years with one manager threatening to resign half way through the evening and another found to be engaged in the heinous act of ‘tactical Brambling’ – deliberately buying an illegal player to give himself a financial advantage late on in proceedings.

The Eurosceptics manager went on to win the tournament after a thrilling final night in Kiev.

Olisadebe auctionOlisadebe auctionOlisadebe auctionOlisadebe auction

Olisadebe auction

Ahead of the English Premier League season, beginning next month, managers will convene to take part in the traditional Kenna auction at another London pub.

The auction is due to be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

All photos were kindly taken by World of Tim 2.

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Olisadebe review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.

It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.

The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.

“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.

Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.

Team

Best – The Euroscpetics: 157 points
Worst – Make Party: 76 points

Player

Best – Jordi Alba (The Eurosceptics): 39 points
Worst – Wojciech Szczesny (Testiculadewland), John O’Shea (Just FEMEN): -1 point each

Strike force

Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points
Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points
Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)

Midfield

Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points
Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points
Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)

Defence

Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points
Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points
Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)

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Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012: final standings

Swedish fans and the Chairman
Off their Swedes: The Chairman meets Scandinavian fans

THE FINAL Emmanuel Olisadebe table was announced today, with The Eurosceptics officially confirmed as champions.

Jordi Alba put the title beyond doubt with a goal and clean sheet in last night’s Kiev final.

The Spanish wing back also earned his manager an additional £60 as the top-scoring individual player of the contest.

In an official Kenna statement the Chairman said:

“Once we overcame the difficulties surrounding the pre-tournament auction, the competition was one of the closest we’ve had. Well done to all managers involved,” said the Chairman.

“We also built some important diplomatic links with other nations, although we’re not sure they really liked it that much.

“Our next challenge is to prepare for the domestic Kenna auction. Our priority is to eliminate that most heinous crime of ‘tactical Brambling‘ and to identify the next crop of forfeit players.”

Full scores for each team can be downloaded from the ‘Details’ box at the right hand side of the page.

Final table

       
    Manager Points Goals
1 The Eurosceptics (Champions) Alex 157 5
2 Testiculadewland James 145 3
3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 124 4
4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben 121 3
5 Every Pole’s a Goal Lewis 115 2
6 Just Femen Claire 107 5
7 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John 106 2
8 The Horn of Africa Abdi 105 4
9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 103 4
10 Just Put Warsaw Carles 103 1
11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden 95 5
12 Don’t know yet Ball 93 4
13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 78 9
14 Make Party Stix 76 2

Individual top scorers

  Player Team Position TotalGoals TotalPoints
1 Alba, J The Eurosceptics DEF 1 39
2 Casillas, I Everybody Gdansk Now GK 0 37
3 Pique, G Testiculadewland DEF 0 36
4 Ramos, S Bwing on the Euwos DEF 0 35
5 Ozil, M Testiculadewland MID 1 33
6 Iniesta, A Bunga Bunga Euro Tour MID 0 32
7 Silva, D Hoodyanika Bolokov MID 2 31
8 Arbeloa, A Just Put Warsaw DEF 0 30
9 Fabregas, C Just FEMEN MID 2 30
10 Balotelli, M Just FEMEN STR 3 29
11 Pirlo, A Every Pole’s a Goal MID 1 28
12 Gomez, M Chernobyl Forlov STR 3 27
13 Pepe The Horn of Africa DEF 1 26
14 Ronaldo, C Utoya Island XI STR 3 24
15 Torres, F Don’t Know Yet STR 3 24
16 Nani Make Party MID 0 23
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Eurosceptics win Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012

Honorary girl
Booby prize: Make Party came last

A GOAL and a clean sheet from Jordi Alba handed The Eurosceptics the Emmanuel Olisadebe title in Kiev tonight.

The international debut manager fought off a challenge from controversial Testiculadewland to scoop the £100 cash prize and the replica, imitation, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Alba was also the top individual points scorer, earning his gaffer a further £60.

“Now if it could have happened with an Italy win I’d have won the office sweepstake as well!” said the jubilant Euroscpetics boss.

T-land picked up £50 for second place, while Bwing on the Euwos trousered £20 for third.

“I’m faiwly happy with bronze,” said the Bwing on the Euwos manager.

Disappointing Make Party, whose manager won the World Cup in 2012, came last collecting the Olisadebe’s wooden spoon – an ‘Honorary girl’ badge.

“We back go to draw board,” said the Make Party boss.

Full, confirmed results will be published soon.

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Scepticism best group stage approach

Pant Bank
Disciplinary: Nicholas Bendtner referred by UEFA

EVEN BEFORE last night’s goal from Anotnio Cassano, the Eurosceptics were enjoying the Euro 2012 group stages.

Lukas Podolski, Yohan Cabeye and Rafael van der Vaart have all found the net to send the team top of the Olisadebe.

Three Mario Gomez goals and one from Theo Walcott have Chernobyl Forlov a close second.

But attack isn’t everything. Despite Alan Dzagoev’s treble, Ronaldo’s double and one from Samir Nasri, Utoya Island XI are bottom of the table.

The team’s back five have a combined total of -1. With Dzagoev out of the competition,the manager’s hunt for his first silverware looks set to continue.

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 77 3
2 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 73 4
3 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 67 1
4  Bwing on the Euwos Denney 65 4
5 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 63 2
6  Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 62 3
7  Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 62 1
8  Testiculadewland James Norris 62 1
9  The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 59 3
10 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 59 1
11 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 57 2
12 Make Party Six 56 2
13  Just Femen Claire Forysth 56 2
14 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 48 6
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Knicker-less Bendtner to change pants after Euro 2012 ambush probe

NICHOLAS Bendtner will be glad his mum packed a spare pair of underwear after an ambush marketing stunt at yesterday’s Euro 2012 match in Lviv.

The Everybody Gdansk Now striker may have bagged a brace to send his team top of the Olisadebe, but tournament organisers have said pants to displaying Paddy Power branding during his goal celebration.

In this morning’s press conference the Everybody Gdansk Now manager said: “As far as I’m concerned Nicholas can advertise Irish bookies, Eastern European h00kers and Bolivian marching powder in the middle of his face if he keeps this up.

“It’s still early days, but I’m hoping the fans will be Gdansking in the streets if we manage to bring home the trophy.”

Bendtner’s second-choice smalls are unknown. Official Euro 2012 sponsors Canon are reported to be lining up a bid.

Olisadebe table 14Jun12
Olisadebe table 14 June 2012
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‘Dire’: Critical remarks for Olisadebe

BWING ON the Euwos were announced as early leaders of the Olisadebe after an accent scandal rocked the competition.

Two goals from Mario Mandžukić and one from Kuba Błaszczykowski sent the heavily foreign-charactered outfit into first place.

Organisers had originally announced Make Party on top, but a blunder with diacritical marks on players names meant scores had not updated properly.

Cesc Fàbregas, Thomas Müller, Fabio Contrão, Franck Ribèry and Kim Källström were among others under awarded points.

“Weally weally enwaged by the scowing on the fwist table. Feel discwiminated against. This is diwe,” said the Bwing on the Euwos boss in a press conference as his players Mario Götze and Dįrk Kūŷt prepared to warm the bench in tonight’s titanic clash.

The individual top points scorer so far is Utoya Island XI’s Alan Dzagoev (18).

Olisadebe standings - 4pm 13Jun12
Olisadebe standings – 4pm 13Jun12
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Euro 2012 crackdown on racism banana skin

Bananas
Going bananas: human rights groups claim the crop is as bad as that of opium in Afghanistan or cocoa in South America

AUTHORITIES have taken a drastic step against racism at Euro 2012, by closing down every green grocers within a 30-mile radius of host venues.

Polish and Ukrainian police forces made a coordinated swoop from the Baltic coast to the Black Sea in an attempt to remove the threat of bananas being thrown at black players during the tournament.

As part of the operation, thousands of fruit and veg venders were arrested on suspicion of inciting racial hatred.

With the spectre of racism hanging over the competition, European football’s governing body welcomed the move.

“It’s good to see authorities have eradicated the opportunity for these dealers of hate to profiteer from the tournament, especially when they haven’t given us a penny of corporate sponsorship,” read a UEFA statement.

Despite ensuring revenue for Euro 2012 organisers, the arrests have increased concerns that driving exotic fruit underground will create a black market.

A Polish green grocer who escaped the purge and wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals said: “I’m just doing the best for my family. Locally-grown apples and strawberries keep me above the poverty line but imported fruit like bananas turn a far superior profit.

“If 20 men with shaved heads come into my shop and buy enough bananas for me to send my children to university, what am I supposed to do?”

Ukrainian women’s rights group FEMEN, fierce critics of the anticipated boost to prostitution Euro 2012 will bring to the country, joined the debate by getting their melons out.

Make Party celebrate Olisadebe lead

Standings after matchday 1
Standings after matchday 1

TWO GOALS from Andriy Shevchenko saw Make Party take the initiative in the opening round of fixtures.

“People they talk we no have chance but I good motivate for team. I also do plumb,” said the Make Party manager.

Everybody Gdansk Now are a close second, not down to any particular individual performance but because they were the only team in which all 11 players picked up appearance points.

Testiculadewland, whose preparations for the tournament were mired in controversy, struggled to make an impact as goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny sent off in the opening match.

Points are taken from matches up to and including Greece v Czech Republic on 12 June 2012.

The top individual points scorer so far is Vaclav Pilar with 14 (unsigned).

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