Chairman becomes first Kenna manager to win two international tournaments

The Kenna League chairman finally got round to confirming himself Euros Super League winner.

The trophy puts the chairman into the Kenna record books, as the first manager to win two international tournaments. He won ‘the Khumalo’ 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup.

After speaking briefly of ’11 years of hurt’ in a press conference this morning, the chairman explained why it had taken him so long to share his good news.

‘Last week started badly on an emotional and a physical level. It was hard to acknowledge that football or sobriety could exist. Even the Kenna, that sacred lamb, was difficult to countenance.

‘Then I started taking an interest in transfer news and here we are.’

Having bared his soul, the chairman went about rubbing victory in managers’ faces.

‘How they laughed when I signed Jordan Pickford and Ronaldo at the auction, and they finish the tournament the two top points scorers.

‘How they laughed when I signed Patrick van Aanholt for £19m. He scored 17 points.

‘How they laughed at a midfield of Calhanoglu, Kroos, and Golovin, and admittedly they were awful, but they still scored 21 points between them.

‘Even one-game Timothy Castagne scored four points. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.’

Managers now look ahead to the domestic auction on Saturday 7 August. The chairman has promised to get ‘managers back in pubs’ based ‘not on dates or data, but daytime drinking’.

Euros Super League – final standings

Full scores available from The Rub.

Euros Super League final standings – 12 July 2021
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Piss Poor close gap after last 16

THE Piss Poor manager is in with a chance of his first ever Kenna silverware after a strong second round showing in the Euros Super League.

Three goals for Karim Benzema and Alvaro Morata, and an assist from Jack Grealish saw PP go within six points of the chairman’s side at the top of the table.

With seven games left to play, each of the three leading sides has just four players left in the tournament.

With Alessandro Florenzi an injury doubt and Timothy Castagne a squad player, the chairman will be hoping for Jordan Pickford’s sheet to remain unstained, and Vladimir Coufal to make a strong showing in the quarter finals.

Piss Poor look to have lost Kevin De Bruyne to injury, but Donnaruma, Grealish, and Morata all take good form into the weekend fixtures.

A 34-point deficit looks too much to overturn for the Craft Beer Wankers quartet of Yann Sommer, Ben Chilwell, Simon Kjaer, and Andrea Belotti.

Piss Poor have never impressed in the domestic league, relegated three times in eight seasons, but the manager has enjoyed more fortune on the international stage finishing second in the 2018 Dmitri Kharine World Cup.

Chairman – 155 points
Pickford, Castagne, Florenzi, Coufal

Piss Poor – 149 points
Donnaruma, KDB, Grealish, Morata

Craft Beer Wankers – 121 points
Sommer, Chilwell, Kjaer, Belotti

Euros Super League – after last 16

Full scores available from The Rub.

Euros Super League after last 16 – 30 June 2021
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Chairman still top

The chairman extended his lead to 20 points after the second round of EurosSuper League group games.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, and Jordan Pickford starred for the chairman, who last tasted international success lifting the Dr Khumalo World Cup in 2010.

The chairman, who’s supposed to be in the Algarve, spent the afternoon playing beach cricket in Sandbanks with the Thieving Magpies manager.

‘Apart from tearing my jeans spilling a diving catch, my second-ball dismissal, and having my bowling carted around by regular cricketers, I had a great time,’ said the chairman.

‘And I think I saw Sandra in Waitrose.’

Euros Super League – 20 June 2021
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Ronaldo Cokes up chairman’s form

EVERY Kenna manager knows one, hard-learned fact of which executives at Coca-Cola would do well to take note: never bet against Cristiano Ronaldo.

Which is why it was strange at last weekend’s Euros Super League auction the chairman’s decision to pay £25m for the Portuguese was met with mockery.

Ronaldo’s brace, alongside a Vladimir Coufal clean sheet and assist puts ‘Chairmany‘ top of the table after one round of games.

The chairman’s side also achieved the exceptional feat of seeing all eleven players make an appearance, the only side in the Euros Super League to do so.

The Dark Lord lurks behind, the £37m for Romelu Lukaku (the most expensive player at the auction) immediately warranted with two goals.

Tournament debutant, but domestic cup competition specialist, the Clotted Cream First manager occupies third place, but mainly through the efforts of autofilled player Raphael Guerreiro.

‘I’m looking forward to the Friday night game,’ said the chairman. ‘Although I’m meeting the Cowley Casuals manager in a pub serving Deya Steady Rolling Man two hours before kick off so I just hope I remember it.’

Euros Super League – round one*

Full scores available from The Rub.

*Due to an admin glitch Cowley erroneously have Coufal up front rather than Arnautovic, so they are fourth, not third.

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Clottedcreamugal

Manager: Oli

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – n/a
2014 Emerson World Cup – n/a
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – n/a
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – n/a

Sympathies: England

GKSchmeichelDEN3
DFAlbaSPA0.5
DFGuerreiroPOR0.5
DFAlderweireldBEL0.5
DFLengletFRA0.5
MFZinchenkoURK15
MFSakaENG3
MFHavertzGER25
STVydraCZE11
STInsigneITA25
STKaramanTUR0.5
Total84.5
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TNSSR

Manager: Will

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – n/a
2014 Emerson World Cup – n/a
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 5/18
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 13/16

Sympathies: England

GKDe GeaSPA7
DFMaguireENG3
DFPavardFRA14
DFWsesteragrarDEN0.5
DFBlindNED0.5
MFZielinskiPOL7
MFHazard TBEL1
MFVerattiITA0.5
STMullerGER26
STFelixPOR10
STRebicCRO15
Total84
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Dontknowyecthinstein

Manager: Pete

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 12/14
2014 Emerson World Cup – 18/18
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 17/18
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 14/16

Sympathies: England

GKSzczesneyPOL6
DFMeunierBEL12
DFGinterGER13
DFMendesPOR2
DFTrippierENG6
MFMark Bridger’s washing machineBramble6
MFRabiotFRA1
MFCseriHUN1
STDepayNED30
STbraithewaiteDEN8
STferran torresspain11
Total96
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Barrytania

Manager: Mackay

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – n/a
2014 Emerson World Cup – n/a
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – n/a
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – n/a

Sympathies: England/Scotland

GKShuninRUS5
DFDiasPOR11
DFWalkerENG0.5
DFAzpiliSPA10
DFDe LorenziITA0.5
MFTielemensBEL7
MFMatt DawsonBramble8
MFGundoganGER7
STEmboloSWI1
STGreizemenFRA32
STWindDEN0.5
Total82.5
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Pisspoorania

Manager: John N

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 7/14
2014 Emerson World Cup – 17/18
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – n/a
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 2/16

Sympathies: England

GKDonnarumaITA6
DFHummelsGER0.5
DFPepePOR0.5
DFRobertsonSCO2
DFSoyuncuTUR0.5
MFKDBBEL21
MFGigi WNED5
MFGrealishENG0.5
STKramaricCRO9
STMorataSPA16
STBenzemaFRA24
Total85
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Testiculadewland

Manager: The Dark Lord

International form
2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a
2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a
2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – n/a
2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 2/14
2014 Emerson World Cup – 1/18 *winner*
2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 1/18 *winner*
2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 5/16

Sympathies: England/Slovakia

GKKrulNED0.5
DFRudigerGER5
DFCanceloPOR11
DFSkriniarSLO0.5
DFDigneFRA0.5
MFOlmoSPA0.5
MFSterlingENG1
MFModricCRO6
STLukakuBEL37
STYilmazTUR7
STImmobileITA7
Total76
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