Premier League auction to be tweeted live

Director of Wry Tweets
Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo

FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.

Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.

Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.

“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of  the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.

Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.

In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.

“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.

The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.

Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:

Debt tweet

The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:

Keane and Sheva tweet

Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):

Toys out of the pram

Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:

Fag and handjob tweet

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Chairman to pick up auction speed

Picks: Chairman will have a confidential list of 200 players

THE CHAIRMAN is to pick players to be introduced to auction if managers are too slow.

Under new rules managers must immediately introduce a player or be overridden by a ‘Chairman’s pick’.

The change has been designed to speed up the team-buying process after significant gaps were left in starting line ups at May’s Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

“To put it politely, as league membership has swelled, it’s become increasingly difficult to get all business completed in a timely manner. To be blunt, we’re tired of waiting for half-cut managers to make up their mind about who to introduce,” said the Chairman, putting on his ‘we’re waiting for you‘ face.

A confidential list of 200 players will be compiled by the Chairman before the auction.

Managers will have the choice of picking a player themselves, or leaving it to the Chairman.

A Chairman’s pick will not trigger the Titus Bramble ruling for any managers, unless they make an illegal bid.

In other news, the Kenna has written a strongly-worded email to the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games after no mention of the league was made in any of London 2012’s pageantry.

“It appeared to us that any Tom, Dick or Harry could carry the torch, so with our tireless work in English sport and promoting London pubs (for not a penny of remuneration, nonetheless) we must have been a dead cert for the opening ceremony.  The call never came.

“You make yourselves out to be this inclusive, public-spirited organisation, but in actual fact you’ve got absolutely no cultural sensitivities. Just look at the Korean flag mix up: you made a real dog’s dinner of that,” read a rambling extract.

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Brambled pink

Pink Gin
Pink Gin: tastes like neat gin, only worse. Financial penalties for Brambling also loom

PINK GIN is to be deployed in the war on tactical Brambling.

Managers found to be deliberately making illegal bids at next month’s Kenna auction will have to order, buy and drink the cocktail before taking any further part in proceedings.

The rule was changed after a manager was discovered knowingly buying a second French player in order to induce a forfeit and free up funds late on in May’s Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction.

New regulations also mean that all managers convoking the Titus Bramble ruling, whether tactical, incidental or accidental, will have half the value of the player forfeit confiscated.

In a press conference arranged in the lounge bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the Chairman said: “Pink Gin is the perfect drink to deter tactical Bramblers. While the addition of Angostura Bitters turns the drink the colour of a Frank Schlek urine sample, it does absolutely nothing to detract from the taste of warm, neat gin.

“We have acted decisively to stamp out the pernicious threat of tactical Brambling. It will mean tougher penalties for all Brambling, but the spirit of the Kenna is at stake.”

It must be proved beyond reasonable doubt that tactical Brambling has taken place for the rule to take effect.

Steaua Apples

The league has announced more lenient rules for managers accidentally introducing an illegal player to auction. If no other bids are made, and the manager immediately recognises their blunder, the Titus Bramble ruling will not be triggered.

“If no other managers make any bids for a player recognised to be illegal, the offending manager will not receive a forfeit, but may take no further part in the auction until they have bought and downed an Apple Sourz. That’s the kind of spirit the league has for members, and I’m sure managers can reciprocate that gesture,” said the Chairman in his munificence.

Those taking proceedings too seriously and throwing their toys out of the pram will be subject to ‘Mogadishu Rules’ – and openly mocked by the whole group.

More details about the ‘Spirit of the Kenna’ can be found on the Titus Bramble page.

Full rules and regulations will be shared with managers prior to the auction.

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Confessions of a tactical Brambler

Lego horse
Cavalier attitude: Bramblers, both tactical and accidental, are to face much stiffer penalties

IN THAT brief period of English sport when there’s no proper football, it’s too wet for cricket and the only diversion is the mind-blowing sight of a man raised in Kilburn wearing the yellow jersey with six days to go, rumours abound.

For Kenna managers eagerly awaiting next month’s auction ahead of the Premier League opening on 18 August, tittle tattle is at fever pitch as to how the administration will tighten up rules in the wake of May’s illegal bidding scandal.

Now the man responsible for Tactical Brambling, the practice of bidding for a player to deliberately incur a forfeit and free up funds, gives his dark insight into what happened that fateful evening in late spring – the time when the rain began.

Despite being dealt a hefty penalty, the Testiculadewland manager finished second in the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012.

But retribution works in mysterious ways: if he’d had kept Franck Ribery instead of Karim Benzema he’d have been the champion.

Sitting in his murky office, sinister music playing in the background, the Testiculadewland manager recounted his frame of mind:

“When Benzema first came up my  first thoughts were: ‘I’ll go for him’.

“Slightly later I realised that I had Ribery. I then thought: ‘Sod it, I wanted Benzema from the start and I want a good strike force. I can still have three good midfielders and the Bramble for losing Ribery’, as I saw it in my tipsy state.

“It was a gamble on my behalf, one in hindsight I don’t think really paid off. And Benzema only became available because of an earlier Bramble by someone else.

“I think tactical Brambling could pay off if done very carefully, but would only pay off the first time and if a manager was to repeatedly do it their team would very soon suffer.

“I think there’s an argument to be had to allow it as part of the game. It certainly makes the mid part of the auction more interesting and because your team is affected every time, your team exponentially becomes worse the more you do it, and there are already rules in place to deter it.

“I didn’t set out to tactical Bramble. It happened on the spur of the moment. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t set out with it as part of my auction game plan, but if half way along things aren’t going well, its a rash gamble that could be played.

“Wracked with guilt I’ve tried to think of a way of stopping it, or a way you can distinguish between tactical Brambling and old-fashioned honest stupidity Brambling, but can’t think of anything as practical or fun as allowing it.”

If, as early reports suggest, there are to be stiffer penalties to the Titus Bramble ruling being announced later this week, the Testiculadewland manager’s cavalier approach will be frustrated.

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Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction night – in pictures

Auction long shot

IN MAY this year 14 intrepid souls gathered in a south London pub ahead of Euro 2012 to take part in a fantasy football auction.

With a budget of £100m, each manager had to buy 11 internationals who they thought would perform the best over three weeks in Poland and Ukraine.

The manager of the team with the most points at the end would claim the prestigious Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup, collecting a cash prize and the coveted, replica, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

A bid flies in

The Chairman leads proceedings

Over four hours, exclusively broadcast live on Twitter, participants had to pick their team in a 4-4-2 formation which could not contain more than one player from each country.

Failure to adhere to these rules would lead to the dreaded Titus Bramble ruling – the illegal player is removed and replaced with a forfeit player.

Olisadebe auction

The Chairman and Horn of Africa manager

Managers had to overcome the added challenge of  British round culture. The Albert Arms enjoyed a brisk trade.



The auction became the most controversial in eight years with one manager threatening to resign half way through the evening and another found to be engaged in the heinous act of ‘tactical Brambling’ – deliberately buying an illegal player to give himself a financial advantage late on in proceedings.

The Eurosceptics manager went on to win the tournament after a thrilling final night in Kiev.

Olisadebe auctionOlisadebe auctionOlisadebe auctionOlisadebe auction

Olisadebe auction

Ahead of the English Premier League season, beginning next month, managers will convene to take part in the traditional Kenna auction at another London pub.

The auction is due to be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

All photos were kindly taken by World of Tim 2.

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Olisadebe review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.

It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.

The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.

“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.

Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.


Best – The Euroscpetics: 157 points
Worst – Make Party: 76 points


Best – Jordi Alba (The Eurosceptics): 39 points
Worst – Wojciech Szczesny (Testiculadewland), John O’Shea (Just FEMEN): -1 point each

Strike force

Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points
Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points
Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)


Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points
Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points
Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)


Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points
Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points
Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)

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Eurosceptics win Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012

Honorary girl
Booby prize: Make Party came last

A GOAL and a clean sheet from Jordi Alba handed The Eurosceptics the Emmanuel Olisadebe title in Kiev tonight.

The international debut manager fought off a challenge from controversial Testiculadewland to scoop the £100 cash prize and the replica, imitation, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Alba was also the top individual points scorer, earning his gaffer a further £60.

“Now if it could have happened with an Italy win I’d have won the office sweepstake as well!” said the jubilant Euroscpetics boss.

T-land picked up £50 for second place, while Bwing on the Euwos trousered £20 for third.

“I’m faiwly happy with bronze,” said the Bwing on the Euwos manager.

Disappointing Make Party, whose manager won the World Cup in 2012, came last collecting the Olisadebe’s wooden spoon – an ‘Honorary girl’ badge.

“We back go to draw board,” said the Make Party boss.

Full, confirmed results will be published soon.

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Olisadebe showdown – live on Twitter

TONIGHT’S FINAL showdown between The Eurosceptics and Testiculadewlandwill be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

Just three points separate the teams, who are vying for honours in the Emmanual Olisadebe European Cup, not to mention winning the coveted unofficial, replica, imitation Poland shirt (with superficial damage).

Neutrals will be hoping leaders The Eurosceptics, represented by Jordi Alba and Antonio Cassano in Kiev, will take the prize.

The T-land manager became the contest’s pantomime villain after unsavoury deception was exposed in the pre-tournament auction.

Italy’s Bonucci and Spain’s Piqué are likely starters for controversial T-land.

In the third-place battle Bwing on the Euwos (Buffon and Ramos) have a four-point advantage over Everybody Gdansk Now‘s Iker Casillas.

Make Party (Maggio) and Utoya Island XI (Ranocchia and Alonso), who share last place going into the game, will both be looking to avoid the wooden spoon.


Players are awarded two points for starting the match, five for scoring a goal, three for an assist and one point for coming on as a sub.

One point is docked for a yellow card, three for a red and three for missing a penalty.

Defenders and goalkeepers get four points for a clean sheet. A point is deducted for two goals scored against their team, two points taken off for three goals and three points for four goals etc.

Goalies collect five points for saving a penalty.

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Cassano holds final key

DESPITE an injury-time penalty from Mesut Özil, The Eurosceptics hold onto a slender lead going into Sunday’s final.

An Antonio Cassano assist was enough to keep a sliver of daylight between the leaders and Testiculadewland.

The boffins at Kenna HQ reckon that a 0-0 or 1-0 win to Italy in Kiev, without Cassano assisting or scoring would hand T-land the title.

Bwing on the Euwos will be hoping for the goalless draw so Buffon and Ramos can secure third place.

Fourth-placed Everybody Gdansk Now’s Casillas will have to save a couple of penalties to challenge.

At the other end Make Party and Utoya Island XI are in a dead heat for last place.

Manager Points Goals
1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 144 4
2 Testiculadewland James Norris 141 3
3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 119 4
4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3
5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 105 2
6 Just Femen Claire Forysth 100 5
7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 99 4
8 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 99 2
9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 98 3
10 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 97 1
11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 87 4
12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 84 3
13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9
14 Make Party Six 76 2

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Sagres back in the fridge


ONE SEMI final down and The Eurosceptics hold the lead by a narrow four-point margin.

Bruno Alves’ penalty miss, so ably assisted by Make Party’s Luis Nani, left the door ajar for Testiculadewland’s Piqué and Contraõ.

Tonight The Eurosceptics’ Cassano and Podolski take on T-lands’ Özil and Bonucci.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations dept reckon the thyroid-assisted German/Turkish string puller holds the key.

Manager Points Goals

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 137 4

2 Testiculadewland James Norris 133 2

3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 117 4

4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3

5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 102 2

6 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 97 2

7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 96 4

8 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 96 1

9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 95 3

10 Just Femen Claire Forysth 87 3

11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 83 4

12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 83 3

13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9

14 Make Party Six 75 2

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