Kenna club guide – North west

Immediately identify Kenna players in north west Premier League clubs: Everton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic.

Everton

Howard, T GK Newington Reds £8m
Baines, L DEF Woking £22m
Distin, S DEF Northern Monkeys £6m
Neville, P DEF Bala Rinas £4m
Jagielka, P DEF Still Don’t Know Yet £7.5m
Heitinga, J DEF PSV Mornington £6m
Hibbert, T DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £5m
Osman, L MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Fellaini, M MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £9m
Pienaar, S MID FC Testicluadew £12m
Jelavic, N STR Judean Peoples’ Front £21m

Liverpool

Reina, P GK Greendale Rockets £16m
Agger, D DEF Bala Rinas £15m
Skrtel, M DEF Newington Reds £17m
Enrique, J DEF Judean Peoples’ Front £13m
Carragher, J DEF Wandsworth Window Lickers £0.5m
Johnson, G DEF Piedmonte £8m
Downing, S MID Pikey Scum £8m
Gerrard, S MID Still Don’t Know Yet £15m
Leiva, L MID PSV Mornington £0.5m
Henderson, J MID Just put Carles £0.5m
Allen, J MID Woking £7m
Borini, F STR Vasco De Beauvoir £19m
Suarez, L STR Sporting Lesbian £36m

Manchester City

Hart, J GK Judean Peoples’ Front £22m
Savic, S DEF Bala Rinas £10m
Zabaleta, P DEF Greendale Rockets £7m
Kompany, V DEF Headless Chickens £18m
Lescott, J DEF Hairy Fadjeetas £12m
Richards, M DEF Woking £12m
Milner, J MID Newington Reds £0.5m
Silva, D MID Just put Carles £32m
Nasri, S MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Toure, Y MID FC Testicluadew £21m
Balotelli, M STR Still Don’t Know Yet £23m
Aguero, S STR Sporting Lesbian £12m
Adebayor, E STR Pikey Scum £0.5m
Tevez, C STR Dynamo Charlton £30m
Dzeko, E STR Northern Monkeys £1.5m

Manchester United

de Gea, D GK Pikey Scum £19m
Ferdinand, R DEF Vasco De Beauvoir £6.5m
Evra, P DEF Spartak Mogadishu £15m
Jones, P DEF Headless Chickens £9.5m
Vidic, N DEF FC Testicluadew £13m
Rafael DEF Piedmonte £2m
Kagawa, S MID Lokomotiv Leeds £26m
Nani MID Bala Rinas £15m
Carrick, M MID Dynamo Charlton £2.5m
Valencia, A MID Judean Peoples’ Front £17m
Cleverley, T MID Northern Monkeys £8.5m
Young, A MID Wandsworth Window Lickers £15m
Rooney, W STR Greendale Rockets £38m
Welbeck, D STR Just put Carles £7m
Hernandez, J STR Woking £5.5m
van Persie, R STR Still Don’t Know Yet £35m

Wigan Athletic

Al-Habsi, A GK Vasco De Beauvoir £2.5m
Figueroa, M DEF Sporting Lesbian £0.5m
Boyce, E DEF Pikey Scum £0.5m
Alcaraz, A DEF Just put Carles £0.5m
Miyaichi, R MID Newington Reds £5.5m

London club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

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Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene
Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern MonkeysLokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

  1. Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
  2. Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
  3. Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
  4. Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
  5. Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
  6. PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
  7. Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
  8. Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
  9. Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
  10. FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
  11. Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
  12. Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
  13. Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
  14. Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
  15. Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
  16. Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
  17. Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

League table - week 4
League table – week 4

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testicluadew James N 46 2
2 Greendale Rockets Stu 30 2
3 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 28 2
4 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
5 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 0
6 Woking Mike 24 2
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 24 0
8 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 0
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
10 Headless Chickens John N 19 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 0
13 Newington Reds Dudley 18 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 17 2
15 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 17 0
16 Piedmonte Phil 16 0
17 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 16 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 0
19 Pikey Scum Jack 13 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 2 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Gervinho – ARS – STR
Club Greendale Rockets
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FC Testiculadew (second window)

FC Testiculadew made no transfers in the second window

Manager: Mr James Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Everton

Szczesny, W ARS £2m
Kaboul, Y TOT £5.5m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Shorey, N WBA £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £31m
Dempsey, C FUL £5.5m
Fellaini, M EVE £4.5m
W-Phillips, S QPR £8m
Rooney, W MUN £28m
Dzeko, E MCY £5.5m
£96.5m
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