Hoxton Pirates 2014/15

Abdi
Scourge of the Old Street roundabout: The Hoxton Pirates manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 21st (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Season preview in one sentence: Unable to attend the auction because of commitments in ‘Durrby’, the Somali’s automatically-generated side shows flickers of guile, and leaves most wondering whether he could have done better in person.

Fabianski, L (TW2) SWA £0.50
Davies, B (TW2) TOT £0.50
Manquillo, J (TW2) LIV £0.50
Coloccini, F (TW2) NEW £0.50
de Laet, R (TW1) LEI £3.00
Matic, N CHE £0.50
Song, A (TW2) WHU £2.00
Cllr Martin Kimber (TW2) (Bramble) ROT £0.50
Gary Glitter (TW2) (Bramble) HMP £0.50
Welbeck, D (TW2) ARS £0.50
Ings, D (TW2) BUR £11.00
£20m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Wright, R – goalkeeper, MCY – £2m (Bramble)
de Laet, R – defender, LEI – £3m
Wright-Phillips, S – midfielder, QPR – £4m
Evans, C – striker, OLD – £4m (Bramble)

Out
Robles – goalkeeper, EVE – £0m
Upson, M – defender, LEI – £0m
Lampard, F – midfielder, MCY – £0m
Campbell, J – striker, ARS – £0m

Remaining budget: £7m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In 
Fabianski, L – goalkeeper, SWA – £0.5m
Davies, B – defender, TOT – £0.5m
Manquillo, J – defender, LIV – £0.5m
Coloccini, F – defender, NEW – £0.5m
Song, A – midfielder, WHU – £2m
Former Rotherham Counsellor Martin Kimber – midfielder, ROT – £0.5m (Titus Bramble player)
Gary Glitter – midfielder, HMP – £0.5m (Titus Bramble player)
Welbeck, D – striker, ARS – £0.5m
Ings, D – striker, BUR – £11m

Out
Wright, R – goalkeeper, MCY – £0m
Dier, E – defender, TOT – £0m
Wilson, M – defender, STO – £0m
Delaney, D – defender, CRY – £0m
Wright-Phillips, S – midfielder, QPR – £0m
Januzaj, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m (lost under Titus Bramble ruling)
Ramirez, G – midfielder, HUL – £0m (lost under Titus Bramble ruling)
Zarate, M – striker, WHU – £0m
Ched Evans – striker, TBR – £0m

Remaining budget: £0.5m

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FC Testiculadew 2014/15

James N
Poor man’s Hugo Drax: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Winner

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence: Retreating ever further from public life into the shadows of tactical Bramblerdom, the defending double championEmerson World Cup victor and all-round ‘Dark Overlord’ of the Kenna still made his eerie presence felt at the auction in the form of half of case of champagne, and retains the budget to command bidding for Radamel Falcao at the transfer window.

Thacker, J (TW2) (Bramble) ROT £0.50
Blind, D (TW1) MUN £5.00
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Reid, W WHM £0.50
Dann, S CRY £0.50
Fernandinho MCY £0.50
Larsson, S (TW1) SUN £7.00
Cuadrado, J (TW2) CHE £9.00
Ramirez, G (TW2) HUL £0.50
Berahino, S (TW1) WBA £10.00
Benteke, C (TW1) AVL £0.50
    £34.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Blind, D – defender, MUN – £5m
Larsson, S – midfielder, SUN – £7m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0.5m
Berahino, S – striker, WBA – £10m
Benteke, C – striker, AVL – £0.5m

Out
Agger – defender, LIV – £0m
Fellaini – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Wanyama – midfielder, SOT – £0m
Torres – striker, MIL – £0m
Podolski – striker, ARS – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Former Rotherham Counsellor Joyce Thacker – goalkeeper, ROT – £0.5m
Cuadrado, J – midfielder, CHE – £9m
Ramirez, G – midfielder, HUL – £0.5m

Out
McGregor, A – goalkeeper, HUL – £0m
Barry, G – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Adam, C – midfielder, STO – £0m

Remaining budget: £2.5m

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Just Put Carles 2014/15

Carles
Showman: The Just Put Carles manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 15th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Season preview in one sentence: All of a sudden Danny Welbeck looks like a good signing.

Pantilimon, C SUN £0.50
Zabaleta, P MCY £0.50
Ward, J (TW2) CRY £4.00
Clark, C AVL £0.50
Bardsley, P STO £0.50
Ward-Prowse, J (TW2) SOT £9.00
Ramires CHE £0.50
Chadli, N TOT £0.50
Osman, L EVE £0.50
Carroll, A WHM £0.50
Vargas, E (TW2) QPR £0.50
    £17.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £15m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Ward, J – defender, CRY – £4m
Ward-Prowse, J – midfielder, SOT – £9m
Vargas, E – striker, QPR – £0.5m

Out
Enrique, J – defender, LIV – £2m
Wilshere, J – midfielder, ARS – £0m
Welbeck, D – striker, ARS – £0.5m

Remaining budget: £9m

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Team Panda Rules OK 2014/15

George
Inbetweener: The Team Panda Rules OK manager

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: 2013

Last season: 6th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts musicTrue Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Season preview in one sentence: Asmir Begovic, Sylvain Distan and Olivier Giroud all find their services employed at the club for a second successive season: the rumour is they just couldn’t say ‘no’ to Panda…

Begovic, A STO  £7.00 
Clichy, G MCY  £6.00 
Distin, S EVE  £10.00 
Johnson, G LIV  £8.00 
Smalling, C MUN  £3.00 
Puncheon, J CRY  £5.00 
Schneiderlin, M SOT  £3.00 
Sessegnon, S WBA  £3.00 
Sanchez, C (TW2) AVL  £0.50 
Giroud, O ARS  £24.00 
Remy, L (TW2) CHE  £0.50 
 £70m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

No changes. The manager considered his team unimproveable. Robert Soldado’s form would tend to disagree.

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Sanchez, C – midfielder, AVL – £0.5m
Remy, L – striker, CHE – £0.5m

Out
Schuerrle, A – midfielder, CHE – £0m
Soldado, R – striker, TOT – £0m

Remaining budget: £28.5m

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Headless Chickens 2014/15

John N profile pic
Mr Average: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicEveryday Normal Guy – Jon Lajoie

Season preview in one sentence: Led the Kenna for a period of last season before falling into mid-table obscurity, and appears to have assembled a side capable of doing the same again.

Courtois, T CHE  £4.00 
Kompany, V MCY  £13.00 
Rangel, A SWA  £1.00 
Schlupp, J (TW1) LEI  £5.00 
Shaw, L MUN  £13.00 
Cazorla, S ARS  £15.00 
Gouffran, Y NEW  £3.00 
Huddlestone, T HUL  £5.00 
Lallana, A LIV  £18.00 
Adebayor, E TOT  £10.00 
Rodriguez, J SOT  £0.50 
 £87.00m 

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In 
Schlupp, J – defender, LEI – £5m

Out
Ward, J – defender, CRY – £0m

Remaining budget – £14.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £19.5m

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St Reatham FC 2014/15

Mike
Last public appearance in the UK: The St Reatham FC manager

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name@mister76mike

Since: 2012

Last season: 11th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts musicIn Too Deep – Genesis

Season preview in one sentence: Despite having to Skype into the auction from his Swiss hideout because of that incident, the St Reatham FC manager seems to go from strength to strength on the pitch with a thrifty back line and creative midfield which could more than compensate for his strikers’ conspicuous shortcomings.

Foster, B WBA  £0.50 
Cameron, G STO  £5.00 
Jagielka, P EVE  £6.00 
Skrtel, M LIV  £4.00 
Fonte, J SOT  £0.50 
Ben Arfa, H NCE  £0.50 
Mata, J MUN  £29.00 
Jedinak, M (TW1)
CRY  £2.00 
Fabregas, C CHE  £24.00 
Fletcher, S SUN  £0.50 
Sordell, M (TW1) BUR  £7.00 
 £79m

First transfer window – 17 October 2014

In
Mile Jedinak – midfielder, CRY – £2m
Marvin Sordell – striker, BUR – £7m

Out
Samir Nasri – midfielder, MCY – £5m
Frazier Campbell – striker, CRY – £0m

Remaining budge: £20.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £20.5m

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The edible journey

Inspector Montalbano
Caught napping: Inspector Montalbano has come under fire from Kenna chiefs for failing to prevent crime (photo: Steve Thorne)

THE Kenna League chairman has hit out at Sicilian authorities after having his passport stolen near Catania on Saturday.

Stripped of his ability to return to the UK as scheduled that evening, the chairman was forced to spend the next two days making his way to the British Embassy in Rome to get the required emergency documentation.

The incident happened when the chairman stopped off on the way to the airport to collect vital supplies.

As he browsed the isles of olive oil, wine, coffee and parmesan cheese, ruthless – yet admittedly, well-organised – thieves jimmied the lock on the chairman’s hire car making off with a suitcase full of clothes and a bag of valuables, including his passport and laptop.

“I lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Sicilian police and in particular that phony, Inspector Montalbano,” reasoned the chairman.

“You always see him on television darting around in that old Fiat Tipo making out like he’s in touch with the everyday people, but he’s obviously only interested in murder and long lunch breaks. When it comes to good, old-fashioned community policing this incident proves he’s come up short.”

Without a UK passport, the chairman was advised that only British consulates in Milan and Rome could provide the necessary assistance. He would also have to wait to until office hours on Monday morning to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, air traffic control strikes in Italy on Saturday meant all flights to Rome and Milan were booked up for the next three days.

Grounded until an available seat to Naples 24 hours later, the newlywed chairman unwillingly spent the night alone in a Catania youth hostel, living on a strict diet of fresh swordfish and repelling the drunken advances of exotic young women bent on testing his marriage vows to the limit.

“The whole incident has been incredibly stressful and has impacted on my duties running the league,” said the chairman from a trattoria in Rome yesterday afternoon, between mouthfuls pizza and local wine.

“Thank God it took place during an international break.”

10 things the chairman learned from getting his passport swiped in Sicily

  1. Never get smug you’ll return the hire car without a ding until you’ve handed it back.
  2. The security guy in the shopping mall car park is probably in on it.
  3. To avoid future discomfort when buying emergency pants on an Italian street market, add an ‘X’ to your normal size.
  4. A Mediterranean youth hostel is no place for a married man of 34.
  5. Even in the usually drab confines of an airport departure lounge, the view at Catania Fontanarossa is never far from pleasant.
  6. When you’ve been the victim of crime the last place you really want to fly into at 11pm on a Sunday night is somewhere with a reputation like Naples.
  7. If you’re carrying three bottles of olive oil in your bag for a two-day trip through southern Italy one of them will break and begin to leak everywhere, probably from the overhead storage during a train journey.
  8. The guy in the queue at the consulate who says ‘it’s ridiculous, it’s obvious we’re British’ one too many times is most likely to be the spy.
  9. Walking around the sites of ancient Rome for three hours in cheap flip flops may result in blisters.
  10. No matter how many you drink, espresso macchiato in Italy is always a pleasure.

Kenna table (from last week)

Kenna table - 2 September 2014
Kenna table – 2 September 2014 (week 3)
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Pikey Scum 2014/15

Jack
Solitary cup win: The Pikey Scum manager

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 5th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 win (under review)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts musicI’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Season preview in one sentence: The Scum boss auctioned well, picking up a mixture of appearances and goals, so now is the time to knuckle down and avoid any ambiguous career discussions with his Nigerian striker.

Hart, J MCY  £10.00 
Clyne, N SOT  £4.00 
Bellerin, H (TW2) ARS  £5.00 
Konchesky, P (TW1) LEI  £0.50 
Rojo, M (TW1) MUN  £6.00 
Mirallas, K EVE  £13.00 
McManaman, C (TW2) WBA  £4.00 
Dembele, M (TW2) TOT  £5.00 
Markovic, L (TW2) LIV  £4.00 
Costa, D CHE  £36.00 
Gayle, D (TW2) CRY  £6.00 
 £93.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Pocognoli, S – defender, WBA – £0.50m
Konchesky – defender, LEI – £0.50m
Rojo – defender, MUN – £6m
Coquelin – midfielder, ARS – £10m (Bramble player)
Diame, M – midfielder, HUL – £6m
Crouch, P – striker, STO – £0.50m

Out
Collins, J – defender, WHU – £0m
Walker, K – defender, TOT – £0m
Santon, D – defender, NEW – £0m
Ozil – midfielder, ARS – £0.5m
Valencia, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Odemwingie – striker, STO, – £0m

Remaining budget: 10m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Bellerin, H – defender, ARS – £5m
McManaman, C – midfielder, WBA – £4m
Dembele, M – midfielder, TOT – £5m
Markovic, L – midfielder, LIV – £4m
Gayle, D – striker, CRY – £6m

Out
Pocognoli, S – defender, WBA – £0m
Coquelin, F – midfielder, ARS – £0m
Diame, M – midfielder, HUL – £0m
Allen, J – midfielder, LIV – £0m
Crouch, P – striker, STO – £0m

Remaining budget: £0m

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Still Don’t Know Yet 2014/15

Ball profile pic
Undecided: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Last season: 17th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Season preview in one sentence: With a 14th-place finish and a 17th-place finish under his belt, the manager knew that – for a third successive campaign – sticking to his auction strategy of blowing half the budget on Robin van Persie and the rest on a bunch of no hopers and bench warmers would be the last thing his competition would expect.

Boruc, A SOT  £3.00 
Huth, R LEI  £7.00 
Manquillo, J LIV  £0.50 
Monreal, N ARS  £0.50 
Zouma, K CHE  £0.50 
Downing, S WHM  £4.00 
Johnson, A SUN  £8.00 
Lennon, A EVE  £3.00 
Morrison, J WBA  £3.00 
Dzeko, E MCY  £21.00 
van Persie, R MUN  £39.00 
 £89.50m 

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Lisbon bars.

Remaining budget (for the Kenna): £10.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers. Did not attend. Paying over the odds for drinks in discreet Singapore bars.

Remaining budget (for the Kenna): £10.5m

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Dynamo Charlton 2014/15

Alex
Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name@alexbass75

Since: 2011

Last season: 19th

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts musicThe Gladiators TV theme

Season preview in one sentence: A mixture of untested talent and Kenna experience revolving around an Elephant who will never forget should the manager not remember his birthday (13 May, by the way).

Howard, T EVE  £                0.50
Vlaar, R AVL  £                6.00
Dawson, M (TW1) HUL  £                0.50
Wisdom, A WBA  £                2.00
Sakho, M (TW2) LIV  £              10.00
Özil, M (TW1) ARS  £                0.50
Toure, Y MCY  £             10.00
Cabella, R NEW  £             15.00
Gomez, J (TW2) SUN  £                0.50
Kane, H (TW2) TOT  £              36.00
Gomis, B SWA  £                8.00
     £             58.00m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Jonny Evans – defender, MUN – £0.5m
Michael Dawson – defender, HUL – £0.5m
Özil – midfielder, ARS – £0.5m

Out
Debuchy – defender, ARS – £0
Teixeira – defender, STO – £0
Snodgrass – midfielder, HUL – £0

Remaining budget: £45.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Sakho, M – defender, LIV – £10m
Gomez, J – midfielder, SUN – £0.5m
Kane, H – striker, TOT – £36m

Out
Evans, J – defender, MUN – £0m
Albrighton, M – midfielder, LEI – £0m
Lambert, R – striker, LIV – £0m

Remaining budget: £8m

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