Live auction tonight at 7pm: the 16 teams competing

Olisadebe signing
Phoenix from the flames: Kenna HQ recreate the moment Emmanuel Olisadebe is declared eligible to represent the country after the Polish FA rush through his immigration paperwork at breakneck speed

THE WAITING is over and the day has come for 16 intrepid managers to take part in the very first fantasy football auction to be broadcast live on Twitter.

At 7pm tonight, in a pub not far from Elephant & Castle tube station in south London, the first player will be introduced to the bidding for the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

From there the auction will roll on until every team contains a goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers – each of the 11 players hailing from a different nation.

Every manager will be hoping for glory and planning to avoid ignominy.

“The Olisabdebe promises to be the best auction yet. When a group of gentlemen met for the first ever auction seven years ago, none of them ever thought it would reach these heights. I wish every manager the best of luck,” said the Chairman.

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST).

The 16 managers competing for glory

A brief profile of each competitor can be found below, as well as the teams that failed to qualify and the final standings from the 2010 Doctor Khumalo World Cup.

1. Make Party (Eng) – Having won in South Africa two years ago at the helm of Nelson’s Column, the Make Party manager has the pedigree of international success. Claims this season’s rocky domestic form with Vasco De Beauvoir was down to it being a transitional year.

2. Chernobyl Forlov (Eng) – Came a very close second in 2010 managing South Afrikaans are Rasc1st Santander, and still in the Zurich appeal courts after the Fifa Technical Committee awarded every goal of the tournament to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder. Will be looking to get one over Make Party. Disappointing in the league this season managing Hairy Fadjeetas.

3. Aston Birra (Cat) – Took a sabbatical from the domestic game this year to keep fresh for the summer. Hoping to better his run out in the Khumalo where his team Nottingham Miedo came a respectable third.

4. Just Put Warsaw (Cat) – Another Catalan doing well in 2010, come fourth with Where’s MaraVilla? Preparations marred by stuttering league campaign with Just Put Carles and Catalan public spat.

5. Bwing on the Euwos (Wal) – A consistent performer at domestic level, with one league title to his name managing Young Boys, the Welshman is yet to win silverware at international level. Mid-table finish at the helm of Paul Gadd’s U16s in 2010.

6. Utoya Island XI (Wal) – A mid-table manager at every level. Got the best of our Robin van Persie in the league at Judean Peoples’ Front this season. Resemblance to Anders Breivik unhelpful.

7. Just FEMEN (Sco) – Disastrous league campaign this season led to her sacking from Polonia Forsyth. Led Anyone But England in disappointing 2010 tournament. Needs to pull her kni… socks up.

8. Welease Wio! (Eng) – Also sacked earlier this month for leading The Dan Terry Seduction to relegation. Provided one of the comedy highlights of the 2010 auction by introducing Scott Chipperfield to the bidding. Probably reading up on useful fly halves, hurdlers and wicketkeeper-batsmen, if reading up at all.

9. The Horn of Africa (Som) – Growing tired of major tournaments hosted by countries with rac1st tendencies. Hopes to better his 2010 performance at the helm of RIP MJ. Impressive domestic season with Spartak Mogadishu.

10. Hoodyanika Bolokov (Eng) – Won the Claudio Caniggia 2006 World Cup, although its validity recently brought into question. Calamitous beginnings to 2010 when he bought an injured Samir Nasri at auction. Pikey Scum team finished mid-table this season.

11. Everybody Gdansk Now (Eng) – After seven years still looking for a trophy at any level. Led Newington Reds to third place in the league this season.

The following managers are all making their international debut

12. Testiculadewland (Eng) – Was so successful in his debut campaign with FC Testiculadew that an official league inquiry was launched two months before the end of the season. Can he become the second ever manager to win the triple?

13. Bunga Bunga Euro Tour (Eng) – Domestic cup runner up this season in charge of Headless Chickens.

14. Every Pole’s a Goal (Wal) – Mid-table domestic finish with Bala Rinas.

15. Doing the Poznan (Eng) – Mid-table domestic finish with Lurliners.

16. The Eurosceptics (Eng) – Mid-table domestic finish with Dynamo Charlton.

The following teams failed to qualify for the tournament, in most cases for legal reasons:

  • Dnieper’s Creepers
  • Tatry Sauce
  • The Don
  • Azov Now
  • Right in the Donets
  • S3x Slavs
  • It’s Bloody Baltic
  • Soviet Terror Balls
  • Black Sea Monsters
  • The Cleaners from Work
  • Lebensraum
  • Do you mind if I Katyń?
  • Do you mind if I Krakow?
  • Lech Kaczyński’s Flying Circus
  • Concentration Champs
  • Kill Howard Webb

2010 Doctor Khumalo World Cup – final standings

2010 Khumalo World Cup - final standings

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Probably the worst team at Euro 2012

Special bus
All aboard the special bus: Titus Bramble XV named

STEWART Downing, Andy Carroll and Gareth Barry have all been earmarked as amongst the most average players taking part in the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The three Englishmen join 12 others from across the continent to make up the Titus Bramble XV (full line up below).

All are expected to have little or no impact on the tournament, and will be employed as forfeit players for managers breaking rules in tomorrow night’s auction, due to be broadcast live on Twitter from 7pm.

“We’re delighted to announce the Titus Bramble XV for the auction, including, for the first time ever, two honourary VIP selections from the host nations. These fifteen players will replace anyone forfeit tomorrow night,” said the Chairman, before being escorted into a waiting car by sharp-suited, severe-looking men from the Vatican.

Titus Bramble XV

Goalkeeper

Grzegorsz Sandomierski (Pol) – Will have an excellent view of proceedings from the bench.

Defenders

Behrang Safari (Swe) – A good defender relies on clean sheets and clean sheets are built upon team unity. With 22 men playing for the democratic monarchy of Sweden and one for the evil, Slavic autocracy of Emperor Zlatan, goal-shy Safari must surely be a wildcard at best.

Simon Kjaer (Den) – Recently named one of the worst signings in Serie A this season who ‘has consistently been tortured by quick attackers’, the Dane can only struggle against the speed and precision of German and Dutch forward play.

Per Mertesacker (Ger) – Surprising inclusion in a slick Teuton outfit considering his lumbering form and recent injury at club level.

Rolando (Por) – The poor man’s Ronaldo.

Midfielders

Nigel De Jong (Hol) – Nicknamed ‘The Lawnmower’ for his combative style of play, there’s more chance of De Jong being able to repair a Briggs & Stratton engine during a match than avoiding the book or finding his way onto the score sheet.

Alexandros Tziolis (Gre) – From Tziolis’ agent wikipedia: “He plays a ‘silent’ role in the game, and he tends to occupy the role of a deep-lying playmaker more than a defensive stopper. His crisp passing and physical strength are also positive aspects of his game.” The content of this summary is as doubtful as its syntax.

Keith Andrews (Ire) – Tournament highlights: booked against Croatia scything down Modric, booked against Spain upending Andres Iniesta, misses Italy game.

Stewart Downing (Eng) – No goals, no assists and spent most of the league season looking like a timid schoolboy on the ball, must be quaking at the prospect of playing in the bread basket of Soviet terror.

Strikers

Andriy Voronin (Ukr) – On average, the Steppe’s answer to Tarzan scores a goal every 10 games for his country. Even if an unlikely Ukraine get to the final, he’s left with just over half a chance of netting one.

Georgios Samaras (Gre) – Thinks he’s Ronaldinho. Is not.

Subs

Andy Carroll (Eng) – striker – played really well for the last three games of the domestic campaign, but for the rest of the season has shown less talent than a Tuesday afternoon in Gateshead Weatherspoon’s.

Gareth Barry (Eng) – midfielder – Against a similar standard of opposition, but without the likes of David Silva and Yaya Touré a short pass away, Barry is in for another tournament ride bumpier than Fred West’s patio. Will be replaced by Jordan Henderson if injured.

Honourary host nation representatives

Yulia Tymoshenko (Ukr) – Libera – The ‘Gas Princess’ may score as many goals as Bobby Sands this summer, but in international terms the PR value she brings to any outfit is welcome to Olisadebe managers who tend to lurch from one media disaster to another. At 51 still has the looks to alleviate the inevitable curse of squad boredom.

Pope Jean Paul II (Pol) – Goalkeeper – A regular between the sticks for his school and university sides, the former pontiff is the reason why there are so many top-level, Polish ‘keepers around. Spiritual contribution cannot be overlooked.

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

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How to pick a winning tournament team

Andres Iniesta
Tempting at this time of year: Andres Iniesta scores goals and gets assists

MANAGING a team in regular fantasy football contests offers little true variance.

Sitting at your computer and picking the same two strikers 100,000 others have, while the War Office reminds you it’s bin day tomorrow is unpreferred.

Having to then spend the tournament logging on to make transfers and, God forbid, ‘pick captains’, is quite frankly unacceptable.

In the Olisadebe auction, managers lock horns in that most competitive of arenas, the pub.

Once the auction’s over, managers are free to enjoy the tournament in the patented Ruud Gullit ‘bars and discotheques’ style.

For the uninitiated, here an idiot’s guide to the rules:

  • Each manager has £100m to buy 11 players in a 4-4-2 formation
  • Each team may have no more than one player of each nationality
  • Managers breaking the rules are subject to the Titus Bramble Ruling.

The second rule in particular makes the Olisadebe ultimately challenging. Buying a bottom-drawer player from a top team is folly.

Going around the table, each gaffer takes it in turns to introduce a player to the bidding. The auction ends when every team is filled.

The Olisadebe ‘Brambles’ will be announced next week.

What experience tells us

Looking below at the top performers from the last international tournament, the Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup, the immediate thought is: what the bejabbers was someone up to spending £31.5m on a holding midfielder like Schweinsteiger?

During a domestic season, steady Eddies like Bastian ‘Pig-overseer’, making regular appearances and nicking the odd goal can be useful.

But in tournament football, where an absolute maximum of six games awaits, the only successful midfielders are those scoring just as many goals as their striking counterparts (Wesley Sneijder).

Forwards regularly finding the net and back fives from organised teams picking up clean sheets offer the best return on investment.

Creative wing backs getting assists and goals, while their side keeps clean sheets, are a handy addition.

The second thing you’ll notice from the table is that some household names went for chicken feed. There are three reasons for this:

  1. all the other managers had bought their quota from that country (Iker Casillas)
  2. those at the auction simply hadn’t considered that player of value (Thomas Muller)
  3. the player had initially been bought for a large sum, forfeited through the Titus Bramble Ruling and bought on the cheap later in the evening (David Villa)

Top European’s from the 2010 Khumalo World Cup in South Africa

Name

Position

Country

Points

Auction price

Thomas Muller

Striker

Germany

42

£0.5m

Wesley Sniejder

Midfielder

Netherlands

40

£36m

David Villa

Striker

Spain

39

£0.5m

Iker Casillas

Goalkeeper

Spain

35

£0.5m

Gerard Pique

Defender

Spain

33

£22m

Carlos Puyol

Defender

Spain

33

£1m

Sergio Ramos

Defender

Spain

28

£1m

Mesut Ozil

Midfielder

Germany

26

£0.5m

Miroslav Klose

Striker

Germany

25

£7m

Manuel Neuer

Goalkeeper

Germany

24

£0.5m

Phillipe Lahm

Defender

Germany

22

£13.5m

Arne Friedrich

Defender

Germany

22

£1m

Arjen Robben

Midfielder

Netherlands

21

£15m

Bastian Schweinsteiger

Midfielder

Germany

21

£31.5m

Andres Iniesta

Midfielder

Spain

20

£19m

Giovanni van Bronckhorst

Defender

Netherlands

20

£5m

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe in the build up to the auction.

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Olisadebe Euro 2012 prizes announced

Emmanuel Olisadebe shirt - back
Strike it rich: Unofficial, replica Olisadebe shirt (with superficial damage) awaits tournament winner

KUDOS, riches and glazed-over, gyrating, Slav human traffic leggier than a recent Scott Parker performance have long been the trappings of international success, but the Olisadebe offers that little bit extra.

Not only will the victor trouser £100 in cash, but they will become the proud owner of an unofficial, replica Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

“Gained at no great expense, the shirt is almost exactly like the one, like the one worn by Emmanuel during his prolific spell for Poland. Any manager would be thrilled to hang the shirt in pride of place, so long as they can overlook the superficial damage,” said the Chairman, before returning to a heated telephone call about unkept promises with a storage solutions company.

Second place will land £50 while third will scoop £20.

The manager ending with the top individual points scorer in their team will also have something smile about.

“This tournament we’re offering a whopping £60 for player of the tournament. We hope it’ll bring out some big bids on the auction night,” said the Chairman.

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe in the build up to the auction.

Prizes

First: £100 and the unofficial, replica Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt (with superficial damage)

Second: £50

Third: £20

Top individual player score: £60

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Euro 2012 auction to be tweeted live

twitter_newbird_boxed_whiteonblue
For all the latest updates follow #eurosauction

THE EMMANUEL Olisadebe European Cup auction is to be broadcast live on Twitter, organisers announced today.

Lot-by-lot updates of the fantasy football competition, based on Euro 2012, will be tweeted on Tuesday (29 May) from 7pm.

A total of 16 managers will battle it out in a mystery pub in south London.

The contest is a ‘ties-off’ international tournament in a similar format to domestic club contest the Jeff Kenna League.

The Kenna HQ Chairman said: “The live tweet is an excellent way to showcase to the world how fantasy football competitions should be played.

“The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup auction, like the Kenna auction, is a face-to-face contest of knowledge and footballing acumen in an informal atmosphere. During the roller coaster, four-hour event participants experience the full range of emotions, although they mostly fluctuate between schadenfreude and humiliation.

“Picking captains and making transfers every week may be a good way for the big newspapers to drive up traffic to their websites and increase advertising revenue, but we’re convinced the auction format is the true test of fantasy footballing skill.

“Once the auction is done, entrants are left to wholeheartedly drink in every second of Euro 2012 in the patented Ruud Gullit ‘bars and discotheques’ style.”

Follow the auction live @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe here in the build up to the auction.


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The Friday Poll: Who’ll be the big money signing?

The Friday Pole
The Friday Pole

As managers choose their likely targets for the impending auction, who will be the players on everyone’s minds?

Last season Didier Drogba went for a Kenna record-breaking £47m. Seven other household names went for over £30m with varying results.

So who will attract the biggest price tag this time around?

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department have selected a likely bunch to choose from below.

If you think it’ll be someone other than this, take the option to add them in.

[polldaddy poll=5287103]

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