Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub
Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires                                  Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva                                      Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse                                               Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3                                      Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013
Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Dynamo Charlton Alex 41 3
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 32 4
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 30 2
4 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
5 Newington Reds Dudley 25 1
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo 24 1
7 Pikey Scum Jack 24 1
8 FC Testicluadew James N 22 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 21 1
10 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 1
11 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 19 1
12 Bala Rinas Lewis 15 0
13 Piedmonte Phil 15 0
14 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 14 2
15 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
16 Woking Mike 14 1
17 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 14 0
18 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 13 1
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 12 1
20 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 23 Tevez, C – MCY – STR
Club Dynamo Charlton
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Euro 2012 country guides – Group D

Immediately identify which Olisadebe players are taking part in Poland and Ukraine, with these useful country guides.

The guides do not include players not travelling to the tournament.

‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling.

England

Hart, J GK Hoodyanika Bolokov £14m
Jones, P DF Just Put Warsaw £5m
Johnson, G DF Everybody Gdansk Now £7m
Cole, A DF Bwing on the Euwos £14m
Terry, J DF The Eurosceptics £11m
Young, A MF Utoya Island XI £26m
Downing, S (TB) MF Make Party £0.5m
Gerard, S MF Every Pole’s a Goal £20m
Walcott, T MF Chernobyl Forlov £5m
The Ox MF Testsiculadewland £0.5m
Carroll, A ST The Horn of Africa £12m

France

Lloris, H GK Every Pole’s a Goal £12m
Reveillere, A DF Make Party £0.5m
Rami, A DF Chernobyl Forlov £7m
Mexes, P DF Just Put Warsaw £8.5m
Evra, P DF Just FEMEN £9m
Ribery, F MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £21m
Debuchy, M MF Everybody Gdansk Now £0.5m
Nasri, S MF Utoya Island XI £16m
Malouda, F MF Don’t Know Yet £5m
Cabeye, Y MF The Eurosceptics £0.5m
Remy, L ST Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
Ben Arfa, H ST Bwing on the Euwos £0.5m
Benzema, K ST Testsiculadewland £17m

Sweden

Safari, B DF Chernobyl Forlov £0.5m
Mellberg, O DF Everybody Gdansk Now £12m
Olsson, M DF The Horn of Africa £7.5m
Antonsson, M DF Utoya Island XI £0.5m
Larsson, S MF Bunga Bunga Euro Tour £8.5m
Elm , R MF Bwing on the Euwos £0.5m
I, Zlatan ST Testsiculadewland £20m
Elmander, J ST Just FEMEN £7m

Ukraine

Pyatov, A GK Don’t Know Yet £1m
Kucher, O DF Every Pole’s a Goal £0.5m
Husyev, O MF Hoodyanika Bolokov £0.5m
Konoplyanka, Y MF Testsiculadewland £0.5m
Shevchenko, A ST Make Party £5m

Group A

Group B

Group C

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