Belgian Benteke books Pirates berth in cup final

Tidy pirate
Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)

A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.

The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.

“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.

Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.

Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”

Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.

Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.

Emperor Ming
Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager

The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.

“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”

Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.

Cup results

Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2             RVP

FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar           Lukaku, Benteke x3

*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”

League table

Week 34 - 30 April 2013
Week 34 – 30 April 2013

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 50 4
2 Just put Carles Carles 43 2
3 Newington Reds Dudley 37 4
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 2
5 Piedmonte Phil 28 1
6 Pikey Scum Jack 26 2
7 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 25 0
8 Woking Mike 25 0
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 23 1
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 23 0
11 FC Testicluadew James N 22 2
12 Dynamo Charlton Alex 20 1
13 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 20 1
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 19 1
15 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
16 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
17 Greendale Rockets Stu 13 0
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 13 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 8 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Benteke, C – AVL – STR
Club Spartak Mogadishu
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What a bunch of can’ts

McIlroy toothache: Maybe the equipment’s to blame

THE WOKING manager can’t polish a turd.

The Sporting Lesbian manager surely can’t lose the title from here, something the Piedmonte manager can’t ever be expected to win buying under-performing English footballers for extortionate prices at auction. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager can’t visit Utoya Island ever again. One man still can’t believe that when he introduced them to the definition of the word ‘needster’, two people who had never met before the Newington Reds manager’s stag do in the Pyrenees simultaneously pulled up the same provocative Facebook photo of a girl in a bikini. Rival Catalans the Just Put Carles and PSV Mornington managers can’t eat their evening meals before midnight. A steady diet of lager and Jägerbombs can’t be sustained for longer than three days without an eerie taste of sick developing at the back of the throat. The Spartak Mogadishu manager can’t stop pillaging other’s first dates and making off with the booty, while the former Dan Terry Seduction manager can’t get laid, even using Rohypnol. Kenna HQ can’t afford to open premises in St James’s called the Point Fives Club with live tweets from the Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction framed on the wall of the billiard room. And someone who can snowboard can’t necessarily ski.

Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.

No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”

League table

Week 29 - 19 March 2013
Week 29 – 19 March 2013

Weekly scores

This week
Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 43 3
2 Northern Monkeys Hugo 39 1
3 Piedmonte Phil 33 3
4 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 1
5 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 31 2
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 30 1
7 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 2
8 Just put Carles Carles 26 1
9 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 1
10 Bala Rinas Lewis 22 0
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 22 0
12 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 22 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 22 0
14 FC Testicluadew James N 20 1
15 Woking Mike 19 0
16 Pikey Scum Jack 18 0
17 Headless Chickens John N 16 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 16 0
19 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 16 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 14 1
Points Player
Player of the week 11 Monreal, N – ARS – DEF
Club Judean Peoples’ Front
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