Bramble manager slams ‘out of touch Kenna blazers’

Dirty white van
James Collins was last seen being bundled into the back of a van at dawn

DEFENDER JAMES Collins is at the centre of a controversial appeal that has led to the Kenna administration being branded ‘out of touch’.

The incident arose when it emerged after the auction that the Still Don’t Know Yet manager had signed West Ham midfielder Gary O’Neil, and stood to lose Collins under the Titus Bramble ruling.

League regulations stipulated that Collins would be replaced by Newcastle’s Shane Ferguson, but the SDKY boss maintains that the Welshman, who switched to West Ham from Aston Villa two weeks ago, was still marked as a Villain on the official player list.

Already under pressure at the club for being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, the SDKY gaffer was so incensed at HQ’s decision that he sent a strongly-worded email in which he claimed the league had ‘gone too far’ and criticised the bureaucracy for ‘being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet’.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull,” said the manager in the leaked email (full copy below), before making a veiled threat to refer the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

The league’s response was swift and ruthless. The appeal was turned down flat, and in the early hours of the season’s first day Kenna HQ goons with cable ties and rubber truncheons swooped on the team’s hotel, to replace a petrified Collins with a simpering and dehydrated Ferguson.

“Our Manager Experiences department has dealt with an incident related to the Titus Bramble ruling. I’m given to understand the matter was resolved amicably, and we wish the manager involved all the best for the new season,” confirmed a league spokesperson, sweeping the matter under the carpet.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s leaked email to Kenna HQ

“Sadly I didn’t have time to reply last night, because, like a real man, I was out playing football and not sat at home being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet.

“I went off the “official” list as you described it on Facebook. The “official” list. If we start ignoring the (and yes, I’m going to use quotation marks for a third time) “official” list, where do we end up?

“Anarchy that’s where. In a nation where people are willing to burn down city centres so they can thieve a slightly bigger TV. You’re playing with fire.

“I can see how jealously can affect your decision making when your strike force is led by a Congolese Middlesbrough reject [Leroy Lita] while my £58m front line contains a daring mixture of mental instability and injury susceptibility, but I think you’ve gone too far.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in-spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull.”

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Still Don’t Know Yet

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: Domestic debut (entered The Olisadebe Euro 2012)

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook: After a warm-up 12th in the Olisadebe in the summer, this was a chance to stamp some authority on the domestic game but the SDKY manager already finds himself under considerable pressure. Not content with being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, and hence have the services of missing reserve player from the Cameroon Olympic women’s team Drusille Ngako between the sticks, the SDKY boss unsuccessfully appealed against a controversial decision to remove defender James Collins from his side.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Ngako, D (B) AWOL £1m
Jagielka, P EVE £7.5m
Ferdinand, A QPR £4m
Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
Ferguson, S (B) NEW £1m
McAnuff, J REA £18m
Gerrard, S LIV £15m
Cattermole, L SUN £2.5m
Morrison, J WBA £2.5m
van Persie, R MUN £35m
Kone, A WIG £19m
 Total £109m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Jenkinson, C ARS £13m Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
O’Neil, G WHM £0.5m McAnuff, J REA £18m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Evans, J MUN £5m Jenkinson, C ARS £13m
Balotelli, M MCY £23m Kone, A WIG £19m
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Missing Cameroon keeper named in forfeit squad

African football pitch
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad

THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.

Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.

However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.

“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.

The hunt for the most mediocre players in the Premier League started a month ago and has claimed 16 footballers, including some names from big clubs.

“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.

Titus Bramble squad


Drusille Ngako (free agent)


Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)


Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)


Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal)
Bebe (Man U)
Apostolos Vellios (Everton)
Callum McManaman (Wigan)
Leroy Lita (Swansea)

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