Game of arrows

Dart board
More pricks than a second hand dartboard: Kenna membership is at record levels

IN MEMORY of legendary sports commentator Sid Waddell each manager has selected their own ‘darts music’.

From the sea shanty of Spartak Mogadishu to the FC Testiculadew ACDC classic, the leitmotifs are choices for the entrance music managers would have into the competitive arena of professional darts, where Sid plied his so eloquent trade.

“Nothing could show more athletic intent than a slightly overweight, middle-aged man awkwardly walking into a room full of delirious drunks to a floor filler,” said the Chairman, quietly impressed by Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock’s entourage.

After the Fabio affair there were murmurs that the league administration were about as much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit, but Kenna HQ have utterly redeemed themselves by introducing arrows to the table to show movement from week to week.

The Kenna Pump

  • £38m Wayne Rooney faces a month on the sidelines with injury. “We’re not in crisis, we’ve still got Gervinho,” said the manager of crisis club Greendale Rockets.
  • £21m Clint Dempsey was left out of action again on the weekend. “He’s lost his head,” said the Headless Chickens boss.
  • £4.5m winger Adam Johnson might actually play a game this season after moving to Wearside. “I bought Glenn Johnson too, surely one of them will do something,” said the Piedmonte manager.
  • £3m former Bramble player Angel Rangel looks like one of the buys of the season. “I only signed him so I could say his name all the time,” chortled the Newington Reds gaffer.

Kenna table

Week 2 - 28 August 2012
Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

This week
Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 51 4
2 Pikey Scum Jack 43 3
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 36 2
4 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 36 1
5 FC Testicluadew James N 34 2
6 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 32 3
7 Piedmonte Phil 30 2
8 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 2
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 27 2
10 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 24 1
11 Dynamo Charlton Alex 23 2
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 PSV Mornington El Pons 18 0
15 Greendale Rockets Stu 16 0
16 Just put Carles Carles 16 0
17 Northern Monkeys Hugo 15 0
18 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 15 0
19 Woking Mike 10 0
20 Bala Rinas Lewis 8 0
Points Player
Player of the week 21 Hazard, E – CHE – MID
Club Hairy Fadjeetas
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Greendale Rockets

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts musicI was made for lovin’ you – Kiss

Outlook: The £38m swoop for Rooney shows intent, even if the £6.5m deal for SWP and Gervinho looks like what the ingrained Kenna manager may regard as a schoolboy error. Dodgy foreheads aside, the rest of the Rockets starting line up looks like a few points. Cup run?

No Brambles

Boruc, A SOT £0.5m
Zabaleta, P MCY £7m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £4.5m
Cuellar, C SUN £0.5m
Williamson, M NEW £4m
The Ox ARS £5m
Gera, Z WBA £0.5m
Coutinho, P LIV £20m
Lennon, A TOT £8.5m
Rooney, W MUN £38m
Becchio, L NOR £2m
 Total £90.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Reina, P LIV £16m Boruc, A SOT £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £2m Azpilicueta, C CHE £4.5m
Bertrand, R CHE £8m Cuellar, C SUN £0.5m
Taylor, M WHM £3.5m The Ox ARS £5m
Kightly, M STO  £5m  Coutinho, P LIV  £20m 
Gervinho ARS £0.5m Becchio, L NOR £2m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Taylor, N SWA £0.5m Clark, C AVL £2m
Dunne, R AVL £3.5m Bertrand, R CHE £8m
W-Phillips, S QPR £6m Taylor, M WHM £3.5m
Miereles, R FEN £6m Gera, Z WBA £0.5m
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Young Boys of Kilburn (first window)

Manager: Mr Andrew Denney (WAL)

Since: 2006

Trohpy cabinet: league 2011

Sympathies: Spurs

Given, S AVL £8m
Kompany, V MCY £27m
Ferdinand, R MUN £0.5m
Cole, A CHE £28.5m
Ferdinand, A QPR £0.5m
O’Hara, J WLV £5m
Reo-Coker, N BOL £0.5m
Cabaye, Y NEW £0.5m
Diame, M WIG £0.5m
Gervinho ARS £12m
Walters, J STO £15m
£98m
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