Scepticism best group stage approach

Pant Bank
Disciplinary: Nicholas Bendtner referred by UEFA

EVEN BEFORE last night’s goal from Anotnio Cassano, the Eurosceptics were enjoying the Euro 2012 group stages.

Lukas Podolski, Yohan Cabeye and Rafael van der Vaart have all found the net to send the team top of the Olisadebe.

Three Mario Gomez goals and one from Theo Walcott have Chernobyl Forlov a close second.

But attack isn’t everything. Despite Alan Dzagoev’s treble, Ronaldo’s double and one from Samir Nasri, Utoya Island XI are bottom of the table.

The team’s back five have a combined total of -1. With Dzagoev out of the competition,the manager’s hunt for his first silverware looks set to continue.

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 77 3
2 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 73 4
3 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 67 1
4  Bwing on the Euwos Denney 65 4
5 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 63 2
6  Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 62 3
7  Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 62 1
8  Testiculadewland James Norris 62 1
9  The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 59 3
10 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 59 1
11 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 57 2
12 Make Party Six 56 2
13  Just Femen Claire Forysth 56 2
14 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 48 6
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Kenna ‘probably wanted’ to be in bag

Old bag
Bag: Experts say the Kenna would have been forced in by a third party

THE CHAMPIONSHIP title may have wanted to padlock itself into a bag because current managers are so inept, it emerged today at the Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry.

The panel heard chilling evidence from the 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup, which attempted to padlock itself into a bag in the aftermath of the controversial tournament.

“The group stages went well, but then the newspaper stopped printing the scores. The administration tried to deal with it by waiting until after the final and getting all the player totals from some random Yank sports website. I felt completely devalued. It was an utter clusterf*ck,” said the Caniggia after the inquiry had watched video evidence of the tournament trying to lock itself in a holdall in 2007.

The panel heard that the Kenna title could have resorted similar actions.

“The mediocre managers in the league today? Their naive auction tactics? I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s championship had wanted to be in the bag,” stated the Caniggia, fighting back the tears.

Experts maintain that it’s unlikely the Kenna could have got into the bag itself, and that it must have been forced in by a third party.

The inquiry continues.

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Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Final group standings
Final group standings

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January
Cup results – 24 January
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