Jack of two clubs

BLAZERS at Kenna HQ have come under fire once again after it emerged Jack Wilshere spent the first five weeks of the season appearing for two separate clubs. 

The injury-prone midfielder was turning out for Northern Monkeys and Pikey Scum until someone pointed it out a few days ago.

At once reporters gathered outside the midfielder’s home to find out how he managed his commute.

“I can barely keep fit playin’ 10 fackin’ minutes for one club, and naow I’m playin’ for fackin’ two. I’m gettin’ ‘ome late. I’m missin’ Eastenders. It’s a fackin’ nightmare,” said Wilshere through his rolled down car window.

Kenna HQ immediately decreed whichever club collected most points this week would get the choice of keeping Wilshere. Monkeys outscored Scum by five points.

Given an option of another Bournemouth midfielder, the Scum manager picked Junior Stanislas.

Wilshere, who once claimed less than a fifth of Kenna managers were English, was a little displeased when questioned over the situation again this morning.

“The fackin’ norf? The fackin’ norf? Surraounded by those flat cap, whippet, braown ale cants? You’re ‘avin’ a Steffi fackin’ Graff, aren’t ya?” he said.

“An’ they got all that fackin’ frackin’. I seen it on the nooz.”

In another uncomfortable turn of events, if Islington Sports Islam & Leisure maintain their top of the table form for another week, the Pirate will win an unprecedented two manager of the months in a row.

Kenna table week 6

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 27 September 2016
Kenna table week 6 – 27 September 2016
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Kenna League less than a fifth English


THE KENNA League is only 17 per cent English, according to Jack Wilshere.

Only four managers come from below the Watford Gap to qualify as English under the midfielder’s nationality test.

The largest portion of managers, 52 per cent, fail to meet Wilshere’s English test point blank as they hail from ‘the Norf’.

Another 13 per cent of managers who come from Wales were dismissed as ‘facking sheep shaggers’.

Of the rest of the league 13 per cent are Catalan – or in Wilshere’s opinion ‘facking Spanish in’it, sangria cants’ – and four per cent Somali.

Wilshere, who is currently signed for Kenna outfit Judean Peoples’ Front, said: “It’s a facking disgrace all these Johnny Foreigners comin’ over here with a soppy bollocks brand of football. If it were up to me we’d put ’em all on the banana boat they came here on and send the buggers ‘ome.

“I don’t trust these Spanish. I heard they eat their tea at midnight. What the fack is that about? That’s over six hours after you’re s’pose to. And I mean seriously, a Somali? In London? Who does ‘e think ‘e is? Mo bleedin’ Farah? I actually quite respect Mo for ‘is runnin’ and stuff, although if me daughter brought ‘im home that would be a different facking story.”

Jack Wilshere’s English test includes eating pie and mash, smoking ‘Silk facking Cat’ and walking like ‘a bit of a geezer’.

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